What was wrong with me…

[CenotaphGirl]

So dating a Christian man has changed my outlook on so many things. This guy has been a Christian longer than I’ve been alive and here I am… newish? To really embracing myself as a Christian.

So what am I learning? I learned very quickly that I have perverted ways that I never addressed because they were always celebrated rather than shamed.

I enjoy things I shouldn't, why? Years of manipulation from media that its okay?

I wish I could be more respectable… I always felt like my place wasnt a wifes position due to my nature… but I have learned I dont need to be so disgusting, I can be better, I can bring my problems to the lord and learn to change.

Idk… I just really want to be better, I want to be different, I dont want to see myself as this mistress, temptress of men, I want to be someone worthy of way more.

So broken, but so ready to be whole

Its the road and path to change that is paved with shame, judgement, misunderstandings, darkness and I just feel so low but I will be washed and hopefully new.

 

[okidoke]

Good luck with it.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

There's nothing wrong with you.
When you're young, especially if under the age of 30, it's a very specific time period of a human life.
20 - 30 is the first time the training wheels are off so-to-speak.
It's a learning curve. Sometimes steeper for some than others.
The thing is, that that's not written anywhere, and tbh it probably should be for the betterment of people.

Everyone does reckless, dangerous, and controversial stuff when they're in this age range. Literally everyone.
I've yet to meet anyone who was a pristine angel of moral perfectionism between the age of 20 and 30.

The important thing is that you're wanting to shape a path for yourself to self-improvement, which is good.
There is no such thing as a perfect person, but as people we kind of create that as an impossible goal for ourselves to give ourselves something to focus and work toward. The trick to keeping everything in line, is to remember that it isn't actually realistically possible to be 100% Perfect With Everything Across The Board, that it's just goals you're working towards. You've gotta cut yourself a little slack sometimes, try not to beat yourself up too much over it, because the world we live in is very harsh and will beat the life out of you of its own accord as it is, if you let it. Don't let that happen. Don't be me, girl.

Despite the fact that I'm not Christian, I'm fairly moral. Not to any puritanical ideology of it, but I have a clear understanding of right and wrong. My alignment if I had to put it into corny Dungeons & Dragons terms would probably be True Neutral? I'm fairly stoic, most of the time. I think as a formality of just how to learn to adapt under trauma and pressure over the years. Although when I'm off balance, like anyone off balance, it is fairly noticeable...infallibility of being human, or in some instances perhaps a defining characteristic of being human, depending on who you ask.

I hope you feel better, Ceno.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

There's nothing wrong with you.
When you're young, especially if under the age of 30, it's a very specific time period of a human life.
20 - 30 is the first time the training wheels are off so-to-speak.
It's a learning curve. Sometimes steeper for some than others.
The thing is, that that's not written anywhere, and tbh it probably should be for the betterment of people.

Everyone does reckless, dangerous, and controversial stuff when they're in this age range. Literally everyone.
I've yet to meet anyone who was a pristine angel of moral perfectionism between the age of 20 and 30.

The important thing is that you're wanting to shape a path for yourself to self-improvement, which is good.
There is no such thing as a perfect person, but as people we kind of create that as an impossible goal for ourselves to give ourselves something to focus and work toward. The trick to keeping everything in line, is to remember that it isn't actually realistically possible to be 100% Perfect With Everything Across The Board, that it's just goals you're working towards. You've gotta cut yourself a little slack sometimes, try not to beat yourself up too much over it, because the world we live in is very harsh and will beat the life out of you of its own accord as it is, if you let it. Don't let that happen. Don't be me, girl.

Despite the fact that I'm not Christian, I'm fairly moral. Not to any puritanical ideology of it, but I have a clear understanding of right and wrong. My alignment if I had to put it into corny Dungeons & Dragons terms would probably be True Neutral? I'm fairly stoic, most of the time. I think as a formality of just how to learn to adapt under trauma and pressure over the years. Although when I'm off balance, like anyone off balance, it is fairly noticeable...infallibility of being human, or in some instances perhaps a defining characteristic of being human, depending on who you ask.

I hope you feel better, Ceno.

I just dont want to be disgusted anymore apexie… do you think someone can grow out of perverse ways?

What if you are always tempted to act in ways you shouldn't?

 

[okidoke]

What you consider "perverse" might be another's normal or nothing special. I can't imagine you've done anything more disgusting or perverse than I have or people I know have, and I don't think anything bad of them or myself. "Shouldn't" just depends on the company you keep I guess.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I used to be like that...only different. I did not think I was a temptress to men, but I did make a lot of jokes about sex and I could turn anything into something sexual. I grew up, I grew out of it, I learned that it was just immaturity, so I matured. I was like that because the people I was around were like that. You live, you learn. No reason you can't do that also.

As a side note, I have always been a Christian, so don't think being a Christian means that people aren't like that because some are.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I just dont want to be disgusted anymore apexie… do you think someone can grow out of perverse ways?

What if you are always tempted to act in ways you shouldn't?

It never really totally goes away, but it does gradually get easier to manage as you get older and take on more life responsibilities, and as your health changes and so on and so forth.

The popular misunderstanding that the Western world tends to have about the Kama Sutra is: "Oh so it's about sex, right?"

Kind of. The Kama Sutra is alike to one volume of an encyclopedic series. It's actually about learning to tame and control your body through a series of practices in which the subject matter is partially about sex. Tantrics, as they're called, are people whose spiritual practice it is to try to be self-focused on self-understanding through a mind-body connection and mind-over-matter generalized rule of thumb.

This is where things like diet, exercise, intermitted fasting, and the subjugation of the libido and sex drive with the energy that it brings to a human put more towards productivity and personal and spiritual goals.

By the nature of what our hormones are, they naturally make us irrational. It's a recognition of this, and a therapeutic practice as to how to try to manage it.

 

[randomguy]

It never really totally goes away, but it does gradually get easier to manage as you get older and take on more life responsibilities, and as your health changes and so on and so forth.

The popular misunderstanding that the Western world tends to have about the Kama Sutra is: "Oh so it's about sex, right?"

Kind of. The Kama Sutra is alike to one volume of an encyclopedic series. It's actually about learning to tame and control your body through a series of practices in which the subject matter is partially about sex. Tantrics, as they're called, are people whose spiritual practice it is to try to be self-focused on self-understanding through a mind-body connection and mind-over-matter generalized rule of thumb.

This is where things like diet, exercise, intermitted fasting, and the subjugation of the libido and sex drive with the energy that it brings to a human put more towards productivity and personal and spiritual goals.

By the nature of what our hormones are, they naturally make us irrational. It's a recognition of this, and a therapeutic practice as to how to try to manage it.

My understanding is, according to Hindu scriptures, kama (pleasure) is one of the four goals of life. The other three are dharma (duty or morality), artha (prosperity, wealth and power) and moksha (freedom from cyclical rebirth). The "Kama Sutra" was written as a guide to achieving kama, in particular, physical pleasure.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I used to be like that...only different. I did not think I was a temptress to men, but I did make a lot of jokes about sex and I could turn anything into something sexual. I grew up, I grew out of it, I learned that it was just immaturity, so I matured. I was like that because the people I was around were like that. You live, you learn. No reason you can't do that also.

As a side note, I have always been a Christian, so don't think being a Christian means that people aren't like that because some are.

I hope I can learn to put down my questionable ways never to enact them again… however i’ll be stunned to see if I can make this change and I agree I dont mean it to come off as I am trying to say all christians are perfect I just mean before I really took religion seriously I just listened to the media and public ideals about whats right and whats wrong so now I see the true horrifying errors of my ways.

 

[Cherubino]

you're too hot and young to be with that guy ... God commands you shall not waste his gift for you ... I love you more than that Christian guy and I deserve you more but I respect his true laws

 

[CenotaphGirl]

you're too hot and young to be with that guy ... God commands you shall not waste his gift for you ... I love you more than that Christian guy and I deserve you more but I respect his true laws

Cherubino! You’re gonna make my haters pop up out the woodworks ugh lets have a gossip about him as im already unhealthily obsessed with him but he’s amazing Cherubino I swear he’s like genetically everything I want in a man, I feel like wow I never knew I could be humble enough to make myself appealing to a man like him, im young yeah but im not what most men are looking for in terms of a wife

 

[Cherubino]

you're too kind to be hated although some times you like to humiliate the men kind ... I'm sorry you don't want to keep looking for the right guy (age appropriate) ... wait so you are struggling to make that guy impregnate you?

 

[Unsigned]

wait so you are struggling to make that guy impregnate you?

Tony Randall had his first child at 75.
Anthony Quinn got his wife pregnant at 85.

Know what they both had in common?
Young wives.

 

[Cherubino]

well I never gave a **** on the Bible's God but I have a high respect for the God revealed by science and philosophy ... therefore if she said "I swear he’s like GENETICALLY everything I want in a man" to me this is perhaps the greatest compliment a man can get from a woman (also its variant "I wanna have a child from you") ... in this case I have not much to say ... go for it CGirl

 

[CenotaphGirl]

you're too kind to be hated although some times you like to humiliate the men kind ... I'm sorry you don't want to keep looking for the right guy (age appropriate) ... wait so you are struggling to make that guy impregnate you?

Omg me? Humiliate men!?!? They like to humiliate me the monsters Oh dont say thattt im just so sensitive to everyone judging me about the age gap, I didnt go out looking for it There will be no baby until im a wife

 

[CenotaphGirl]

well I never gave a **** on the Bible's God but I have a high respect for the God revealed by science and philosophy ... therefore if she said "I swear he’s like GENETICALLY everything I want in a man" to me this is perhaps the greatest compliment a man can get from a woman (also its variant "I wanna have a child from you") ... in this case I have not much to say ... go for it CGirl

Yep he is perfect to me, do I wish he was 8 ish years younger? Yeah but lol not much i can do about it

 

[okidoke]

How long have you been seeing this guy?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

How long have you been seeing this guy?

Hasnt even been a month yet

 

[Cherubino]

Omg me? Humiliate men!?!? They like to humiliate me the monsters Oh dont say thattt im just so sensitive to everyone judging me about the age gap, I didnt go out looking for it There will be no baby until im a wife

thats why Im sorry you don't want to keep looking for someone more age appropriate ... that guy seems only good for breeding ... edit: I meant you humiliate men from here but I like being humiliated more than ignored

 

[CenotaphGirl]

thats why Im sorry you don't want to keep looking for someone more age appropriate ... that guy seems only good for breeding

Well as much as I wanna be a mum I also want to be a good woman. I think he helps me see that I can be. I guess this thread is about that. Guys similar age to me will most likely encourage me to be what im trying to stop being… you know?