Why am I still here?

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Fragilegirl

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Do any of you ever wonder, as I do, why am I still here? Everyone I’ve ever loved has died. Everyone who ever loved me is gone. I don’t have a passion or purpose in life. I have a job that I am grateful for. I’m not bad at it but if I didn’t show up to do it tomorrow someone else would easily take my place. I don’t feel like I’m useful to anyone. With the possible exception of my dog. I suffer from anxiety and depression. So that can’t be fun for other people to be around. So I try to keep it to myself most of the time. I’m posting it on here because it’s the only place I feel like I can say these things. I feel lost. Nothing really gives me joy anymore. I don’t look forward to anything in the future. I am not a positive person as you can see. And I feel like the future is very bleak at least for me. I’ve just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. This is after fighting thyroid cancer a few years ago. But I think the worst part of all of it is just feeling so alone. I do have relationships with friends but they have their own families, their own circles. They can’t be there for me as much as I need them to be. The way a family would be. Even as I’m writing this post I hear the whining in it and it makes me feel bad that I sound so self-pitying . So that makes me dislike myself even more. I don’t say these things to other people because I don’t want them to want to try and avoid me because of my negativity. That’s why I’m venting here so I hope you don’t mind.
Have any of you ever watched the movie it’s a wonderful life and thought,” if that was me would it have turned out that things would have been no different or even better had I not been born?” I know that’s a dark thought sorry I’m just in a dark place right now. Sorry for being such a sad sack today. I just needed to get that out.
 
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Do any of you ever wonder, as I do, why am I still here? Everyone I’ve ever loved has died. Everyone who ever loved me is gone. I don’t have a passion or purpose in life. I have a job that I am grateful for. I’m not bad at it but if I didn’t show up to do it tomorrow someone else would easily take my place. I don’t feel like I’m useful to anyone. With the possible exception of my dog. I suffer from anxiety and depression. So that can’t be fun for other people to be around. So I try to keep it to myself most of the time. I’m posting it on here because it’s the only place I feel like I can say these things. I feel lost. Nothing really gives me joy anymore. I don’t look forward to anything in the future. I am not a positive person as you can see. And I feel like the future is very bleak at least for me. I’ve just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. This is after fighting thyroid cancer a few years ago. But I think the worst part of all of it is just feeling so alone. I do have relationships with friends but they have their own families, their own circles. They can’t be there for me as much as I need them to be. The way a family would be. Even as I’m writing this post I hear the whining in it and it makes me feel bad that I sound so self-pitying . So that makes me dislike myself even more. I don’t say these things to other people because I don’t want them to want to try and avoid me because of my negativity. That’s why I’m venting here so I hope you don’t mind.
Have any of you ever watched the movie it’s a wonderful life and thought,” if that was me would it have turned out that things would have been no different or even better had I not been born?” I know that’s a dark thought sorry I’m just in a dark place right now. Sorry for being such a sad sack today. I just needed to get that out.
This is exactly the place to express your feelings! Please do not feel bad about doing so. It does not make you weak. I didn't hear any whining. I heard another person struggling in this life. That negative self talk harms you. It's best not to do that any more if you can.

I believe my purpose in life was to be the peace keeper and middle man for the two different sides of my family. I also became the sole care giver for my mom, dad, and his grandparents. They are all gone now and I too am alone.

However, I have embrace being alone as it is so much easier and less stressful. For the most part, now that I have fulfilled all my duties, I am just coasting through life until I die. I do try to have some enjoyment some times though. But, mostly I have been ridding my life of stress and problems to make the journey as easy as possible.
 

Fragilegirl

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This is exactly the place to express your feelings! Please do not feel bad about doing so. It does not make you weak. I didn't hear any whining. I heard another person struggling in this life. That negative self talk harms you. It's best not to do that any more if you can.

I believe my purpose in life was to be the peace keeper and middle man for the two different sides of my family. I also became the sole care giver for my mom, dad, and his grandparents. They are all gone now and I too am alone.

However, I have embrace being alone as it is so much easier and less stressful. For the most part, now that I have fulfilled all my duties, I am just coasting through life until I die. I do try to have some enjoyment some times though. But, mostly I have been ridding my life of stress and problems to make the journey as easy as possible.
Thank you for being so kind. I suppose I did have a purpose in life. I took care of my mother for about 17 years after my father died. She was very dependent on my father and then became dependent on me. but I guess in a strange way we depended on each other. Now that she’s gone i’m struggling to find a new purpose. I hope you have a great deal of success in ridding your life of the stresses. And I’m going to try and take your advice and not be so negative .
 

TropicalStarfish

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It's interesting you should mention the film, "it's a wonderful life." I've been in despair for some time now. Last time I had watched it, it wasn't so much I felt that, if that happened to me, nothing would be different. It's the end of the movie that gets me. The moral of the movie, at the end, is the value of friendship, "No man is a failure, who has friends." When the film is done, I realize, I don't have any friends, heh. Technically, I have a few, but, it's doubtful they would be able, or willing to come to the sort of aid, like in the film.

And yeah, I have found, when I am in despair, there is this black fog that just blankets everything, inside, and outside my mind. If I speak, it comes out through my mouth, and if I listen, it filters everything that I hear. It's a very difficult thing to deal with. I find it tends to make me want to isolate more, because being around others, only seems to make it worse. I bring them down, which brings them down, which brings me down.

But when I was reading your message, I thought, "how nice it would be if she found a good friend." Some one to spend quality time with, get coffee, perhaps go to book clubs together, see films together, have dinner nights out; something to look forward to each week...

Anyway, I hope, like a pilot with zero visibility, you can rely on your instrumentation and wits, to continue to navigate; and I hope some one kind, caring, and thoughtful, comes into your life, enriches it, and you do the same for them. :)

I'm not sure I'm a huge believer in, 'having a purpose.' I'll spare you my philosophics; but, I don't think a flower needs a purpose to smell good. If we are to have any, 'purpose,' I think it's of our choosing. The heavens and nature, still retain their beauty, regardless of us fitting into a particular design, plan, or niche... By our nature, though, I think we need love, and connection, however remote. I think that's where the rough patches come in to play...
 

Fragilegirl

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It's interesting you should mention the film, "it's a wonderful life." I've been in despair for some time now. Last time I had watched it, it wasn't so much I felt that, if that happened to me, nothing would be different. It's the end of the movie that gets me. The moral of the movie, at the end, is the value of friendship, "No man is a failure, who has friends." When the film is done, I realize, I don't have any friends, heh. Technically, I have a few, but, it's doubtful they would be able, or willing to come to the sort of aid, like in the film.

And yeah, I have found, when I am in despair, there is this black fog that just blankets everything, inside, and outside my mind. If I speak, it comes out through my mouth, and if I listen, it filters everything that I hear. It's a very difficult thing to deal with. I find it tends to make me want to isolate more, because being around others, only seems to make it worse. I bring them down, which brings them down, which brings me down.

But when I was reading your message, I thought, "how nice it would be if she found a good friend." Some one to spend quality time with, get coffee, perhaps go to book clubs together, see films together, have dinner nights out; something to look forward to each week...

Anyway, I hope, like a pilot with zero visibility, you can rely on your instrumentation and wits, to continue to navigate; and I hope some one kind, caring, and thoughtful, comes into your life, enriches it, and you do the same for them. :)

I'm not sure I'm a huge believer in, 'having a purpose.' I'll spare you my philosophics; but, I don't think a flower needs a purpose to smell good. If we are to have any, 'purpose,' I think it's of our choosing. The heavens and nature, still retain their beauty, regardless of us fitting into a particular design, plan, or niche... By our nature, though, I think we need love, and connection, however remote. I think that's where the rough patches come in to play...
Thank you for taking the time to give such a lovely and thoughtful response. I agree that one good , close friend is really the difference between contentment and despair. I did have that friend once. She passed a year and a half ago. Do you know the phrase “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone “ it was that way with my friend. I cared about her deeply but I didn’t realize how much a part of my life she was until she was no longer in it. Hopefully I can find another friend like her. But she was rather unique. I miss her.
On another note, I just wanted to comment that you have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself. Very eloquent, almost poetic. It makes me want to ask if you are a writer?
 

TropicalStarfish

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I'm sorry about your friend... Yeah, seems there is a season to many things in life...

But each night gives way to a new day, or vice versa. :) (Surprising myself, even, with that kind of optimism!)

Thank-you very much for the compliment. I do fancy myself a bit of a writer, from time to time. However, a true writer must write, and continue to write, I've come to believe. I should get at it more, perhaps...

:)

You seem like, to me... I get the feeling some one special will come along into your life. You seem like the type.

I could be wrong; but... Maybe not. :)
 

Sir Joseph

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Fragilegirl, your health issues and lack of close relationships are shared by many of us here, so venting and seeking support is quite welcome. I wish to comment on your lost feelings, passion, and purpose for life. I see this as a prevalent problem for so many people today, but it needn't be.

I believe that God created all of us for a purpose - to know and love him, and to learn how to love others. Everything else is just a temporary diversion or distraction that doesn't matter in the end.
Losing my career, physical abilities, and youthful social activities has been tough on me too, but I've replaced them with a new purpose and passion in retirement life - focusing on my Christian faith. In doing that, I appreciate now the value of each day and reason for the Lord keeping me alive. There's sooooooooooo much important work to do and things to learn, even as we grow old and less capable.

May I encourage you to watch this lengthy but excellent video sermon and see if it stirs your soul. If it does, you'll realize why you're still here and appreciate each new day that lies ahead.

 

Fragilegirl

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Fragilegirl, your health issues and lack of close relationships are shared by many of us here, so venting and seeking support is quite welcome. I wish to comment on your lost feelings, passion, and purpose for life. I see this as a prevalent problem for so many people today, but it needn't be.

I believe that God created all of us for a purpose - to know and love him, and to learn how to love others. Everything else is just a temporary diversion or distraction that doesn't matter in the end.
Losing my career, physical abilities, and youthful social activities has been tough on me too, but I've replaced them with a new purpose and passion in retirement life - focusing on my Christian faith. In doing that, I appreciate now the value of each day and reason for the Lord keeping me alive. There's sooooooooooo much important work to do and things to learn, even as we grow old and less capable.

May I encourage you to watch this lengthy but excellent video sermon and see if it stirs your soul. If it does, you'll realize why you're still here and appreciate each new day that lies ahead.


Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me. I appreciate it very much. I was raised a catholic and I still believe in God . Even if I no longer believe in the church. I’m having trouble believing in myself and my own worth. I’m also trying to understand what the Lord wants of me. I feel like I took a wrong turn and have no map to get back on the road I was meant to travel. And although I have read the Bible it presents me with more questions than answers. I feel as if my chance to really do something worthwhile has passed me by and I’m waiting , merely existing. I think that’s the toll that loneliness takes on you.
 

TropicalStarfish

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This may not relate; but, a lot of my time on this earth has been spent, just sort of waiting, some times. At those times, it never really seems all that spectacular. But, when I look back, those times have been some of the most cherished...

hmm

Life has been strange... Immensely tough, and difficult, at times; but, rarely uninteresting...

Some people can't stand to spend a few seconds or minutes alone with themselves and nothing but their thoughts, much less years...
 

LeeG

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@Fragilegirl I am new to this site but I read your post and I don't think your whining, I believe you came to the right place to vent. I am sorry about your loved ones dying. I share your feelings of loneliness and i also wish sometimes I was never born and I also have struggled with suicide ideation. I really have no friends and most of family really doesn't want to interact with me either. When I'm around other people I try to be upbeat and I don't mention the problems I have, because somehow just my personality seems to repel everyone already, and I've never known exactly what it is about me that does that.

Try to stay strong and realize that life is good, sometimes being alone is a good thing. Sometimes I find happy moments by myself, I hope you do the same. All my best wishes to you.
 

Fragilegirl

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@Fragilegirl I am new to this site but I read your post and I don't think your whining, I believe you came to the right place to vent. I am sorry about your loved ones dying. I share your feelings of loneliness and i also wish sometimes I was never born and I also have struggled with suicide ideation. I really have no friends and most of family really doesn't want to interact with me either. When I'm around other people I try to be upbeat and I don't mention the problems I have, because somehow just my personality seems to repel everyone already, and I've never known exactly what it is about me that does that.

Try to stay strong and realize that life is good, sometimes being alone is a good thing. Sometimes I find happy moments by myself, I hope you do the same. All my best wishes to you.
Thank you. I hope you’re doing well. welcome to the site 😊
 

DragonflytotheMoon

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@Fragilegirl

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents & friend. Have you volunteered or considered it? Six years ago I started volunteering at the local shelter with the kitties. Over time I became the one to take the photos & make the observations to help them get adopted. It's been very rewarding. There's a lot of things I care about & advocate for, but animals are number one.

After I had been going there for awhile I felt that I was serving my higher purpose. I've also volunteered with seniors. I worked as support staff for developmentally challenged adults. Until I was diagnosed with stage 4 uterine cancer last year & needed to leave that. I still go to the shelter & find ways to help others, including, online.

It's a Wonderful Life is my favorite holiday film & one of my favorites in general. It never fails to make me cry & also lift my spirits. Honestly, most of us will never know what impact we have on others unless they tell us. Hopefully, some will. Of course, many of us get to be angels on earth for someone. We were there just at the moment they needed someone.

I would say you're here to offer insight & give us things to ponder. Thank you for that.
 

Adamridge79

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Nothing better to do? Maybe a great visual experience. Or auditory. Maybe witnessing human level acceptance and compassion? Maybe something tasty. Maybe..just being able to eventually experience these things with all 5 senses? It can always be worse. Just a thought
 
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