i dont know where or how to start but i am depressed, very so. usually is swept under the rug, only to creep on out again. but right now because of ex pretty much.. we decided to get some lunch together, it started off nice, it was pleasant, then she made it unpleasant. I was trying to have a nice time with her but she had to bring up subjects better left unsaid. she asked me if i've had love after her or am trying to, i told her no, she asked me if i had luck on tinder, another no. so i feel it when i say "how about you" she said there were two guys she had a thing with, not surprised considering how free and social she is. i only knew about one of them, and when i figured out it cut really deep, real deep.. they didnt work out, one possibly could but he's a bad alcoholic so idk.. but this same guy.. she told me she just went up to him and asked "have you been waiting for me?" he says yes, like some love at first sight type bullshit... surprised she'd do that, and even tell me about it.. hurts but not as much as the next part.. she told me she was anxious during one of our trips we took, and i told her i was anxious during a different trip we took, we went to a festival and she was very anxious and broke down, had to go to "chill tent", we were both sober but i felt so bad because she was really anxious, but i felt my energy affected her that way because i felt that way but i can hide it, i can keep a cool calm collected face, but inside is chaos.... anyways, after i tell her this, she tells me that once we started dating she became anxious and got eczema/hives very itchy. pretty much a lower quality of life... so i say "you're good before me, you date me, get messed up, stop dating me, then you're good." she frowns at me, says she learned alot from me tho.. yea yea. So im so messed up, that i got her messed up, i pretty much made her sick, im a fucking cancer...I MADE HER SICK...... this is the part that stings most, it makes me feel like shit and hate myself even more..i dont improve peoples lives, i dont do shit in them, people are barley in my life and im barley in theirs.. im very insignificant and forgotten the majority of the time. im never a part of anything or invited. but then there comes the times that i am.. and sometimes its not so bad i can have fun with close friends, lesser so in public and in larger groups. the more the people, the more they talk among each other, the more im heard less and talked over. and slowly im on the outside watching everyone have fun but im to busy having an internal storm... thinking way to much and hating myself for it, while trying to coach myself, worst coach ever.. so my social skills are awful and i end up alone or alienated. this is not new, i grew up this way, in school very much so, i usually had one or two friends. pretty much the other quiet kids sitting alone. the loser kids all grouped together.. well atleast hanging out with these kids gave me confidence to by myself more, and id say im naturally funny, my father was and i used to imitate him so yea. i eventually would become the class clown, my whole school career(most parts). it got me more friends and ive had a taste of popularity, kind of? atleast i felt so because i was dapping up/hugging so many people and i was/can be wild, loud and funny having fun. and it has made me be an asshole to my first friends, the lonely quiet kids. at the time i thought it was funny or cool of me, now im older and now i was wrong and if i could i would apologize to them, i probably affected them negatively like i know i dont like. most times i was just kidding but they take it seriously. regrettably i became a bully, without realizing it i was picking on smaller weaker people/friends. but growing up i was bullied alot to, my bullies would wait for me after school and all beat me up, besides them alot of kids in my neighborhood were little pricks, just for walking by, or being on the playground would get me chased and beat up. it was rough being me in my hood. i was quiet nice kid, surrounded by big tough kids, these kids were tough. i was not, growing up in a household of all women, grandma, sister and mom. my dad moved away when i was about 4 maybe. but i was a mommas boy for sure, my sister extremely jealous of it, she didnt have a father until my dad met our mom, 8 years later is me, less attention for her, and her father figure gone, makes sense shes not happy. im not sure why but when i was a baby it took me longer than average to walk and talk and other human stuff. so i guess i had to stay close to mom for protection of this unknown world. as i got older i started getting embarrassed by it and and denied being mommas boy, i didnt want to be that, i pushed her away by being an asshole in hopes of it, never worked regardless of how worse i got, goddam i suck. my sister and mom have always had a horrible relationship, for as long as i can remember, so i grew up watching them fight and my sister run away/ go to boarding school, for bad kids pretty much. so alot of the time it was like i was an only child, my sister and mom just dont mix idk, ive always tried to be the peace keeper, in the middle between trying to make everything better, never works. so my grandma would usually come and go back to portugal from time to time, so when she wasnt home, id be home alone alot. my sister lived elsewhere, and my mom worked alot, like all day everyday, i would barley see her. but she also had/still somewhat had a shopping addiction, just always shopping when she could, but she wouldnt pay for most of it if you know what i mean. shes been caught multiple times and gone to jail for it. more time to be alone, atleast during these times my sister would come and care for me and the house, barley. but i survived. but i did get to make some friends in my neighborhood eventually, kinda. first by walking over to a group og kids i saw across the street, they threw rocks at me, so i ran back to porch and just put head down and cried. eventually one of them came over to me and we all became friends, kinda. not very solid foundations to alot of my relationships, not sure how or why but most my "friends" are friends of my friends. and 2 of the group stuck, the same kid who approached me, this is julian, the other johnny. we became like brothers, even fighting as such sometimes, multiple times we have became enemies or not friends to friends, more rocky relationships.. what sucked hard was that my new group of friends, culdesac kids, was that they were friends with one of my bullies, this mean kid who made my life a literal hell, i could not escape this kid and he was always around my friends. this kid would beat me up and actually climb into my house and steal my video games, i know it was true, but people had also told me it was julian and johnny to, atleast they'd all work together, one would come over and unlock my window without me knowing, we'd go over to their house, and when i go home my stuff is gone, even the day after christmas. my spirit was very low, sad lonely kid whose only friends would get me beat up and my stuff stolen. i dont like thinking or talking about it, my mom used to tell me all the time, she didnt like/trust them, she learned to, to not tust, to trust them again, most of my relationships or those im tied to are always messed.. but julian and johnny are still my friends, we rarley hang out tho, somewhat talk in a group chat, were all grown up now doing our own things, guess thats what happens when people become adults, you get less and less friends.. ihave other friends to, like 4 maybe, barley see or talk to anyone, you can say my best friend is my boss, i see him alot and were actually friends besides work, he to has his own busy life and we dont hang out much. the majority of my life has been me alone, i kept myself busy with art, video games and my imagination, to this day. but ive had no motivation for to long to do anything so i usually just sit back and play games. i barley make art, when i do its because i feel super depressed like right before writing this. and most of my art these days are dark and demonic and black.. uughghghghghg i wish i would make more art, itd help but here i am making these monsters and having no motivation and being super critical of everything that i do. plus im lazy, always been unfortunatelly. growing up my mom did way to much for me, at the time its sweet, but when you get older and cant do shit is not sweet. i still can barley cook, dont ask me to wash clothes, these days i do my own stuff but still but i dont care or want to do much, i like to just chill doing what i like, ive become very careless and desensitized and emotionless, theres been times its been useful, prevent myself from feeling shitty, but been times ive felt guilty after, then i tell myself not to feel that. im sure its pushed people away without me realizing. i feel i was mindless half my life, barley putting things together and paying attention. i was an idiot. i didnt say much, still dont, barley have words to come out most times, alot of time growing up when i was being myself people didnt like it, so i hid it which made me more quiet, and i never spoke about what was bothering me, i just stayed quiet and said im ok, still do that. so ive always had alot built up inside, never speaking about it, i didnt like the feeling of it, anxiety? i never liked conflict, ive always tried to avoid it.that goes for negative feelings to, for a good while i told myself to not feel sad or angry or anything that dosent bring me joy and positivity, hippy flow. but i guess that isnt very human? idk my feelings are intense i guess, libra double scorpio if that means something. when i get angry i get very angry and destructive, when i get sad i want to kill myself, when im happy im to embarrassed to be happy, fucking fool. as i got got older i used my quietness to my advantage, became wiser, speak only when needed and dont say to much, stealthy and schemey, ugh piece of shit. in high school, after another rocky raea cop saw me and i didnt get to do my plan. senior year, barley going to graduate and scared of the unknown, after school. i tried cutting my wrists this time, and i sent out goodbye text, those friends came to my house climbed in my window and got me out the tub. i was ok i guess, this kid i went to school with died the night before i believe, so there was a candle lighting and i went, felt very weird. but the day after when im sleeping at home the cops come and i go to the hospital again, stupid. that was my last attempt, then i started smoking weed, still do everyday now. but eventually i started doing psychedelics. thers been plenty of great trips with beauitufl enlightening expierences , but there has also been times where ive been completely silent not saying a single word, my true self? idk. again id kind of freak out, but internally and just keep cool until my trip comes down. i did get alot out of it but sometimes i think it also made me more anxious and quiet. in 2014 i was my happiest, trippy free guy and always said who cares, i had the most experiences during this time, i think the first time i got laid since my gf in high school, 2 years. i was single living it up. then my ex, brooke(as previous mentioned ^^^)we met in a great way, it was amazing, like once we met we liked each other. but again, the rockiness ensues.. our relationship started pretty early, only knowing eatch other for a month or so before dating, and our relationship started off not so smooth, we broke up and got back together, always back n forth in my life huh. but eventually we work things out and things are great for a long time, fight here and there but normal? we were fucking tight tho, aint no rocking our boat type love. but like i said, her quality in life went down because of me, i was happy when we met but i forgot about it and past traumas surfaced making depressed again, but there were times she'd fight with me, she starts them and i make peace, i loved her unconditionally and it was to much i suppose........she told me today, but other times as well. that she didnt like when i did when she was "crazy" as she says, so rather me telling her to become stronger, i comforted her, so sorry? she was already a strong independent free woman but ok. ive always been a shy quiet weakling. got lucky i guess, but she is so outgoing and we would go out and i felt soooooo anxious, but i wanted this girl to like me and things work out so i forced myself and pretended to be this awesome guy,honestly thats good for people, get out the comfort zone and grow, but i suck at that so the way i felt effected the way she felt, thus making her sick and anxious. because my energy became her energy, so i comforted her when needed, because i knew thats what i wanted, or what i was used to. i didnt really realize i was affecting her until we went to the festival, she looked the way i felt, i stay solid.broke my heart then and it does now. to be the reason someone enjoys life less, going about it with issues and worry. another reason to hate myself. its been almost a year since we broke up and im still in love with her and i get the, love you to crap. and she tells me shes so much better without me, makes sense because the cancer isnt there. hurts so hard to hear but good for her, i want her happy and wish her well in everything including love, i dont want it to be another guy but thats whatll it be.. never me again, believe thats a quote . thats just how it is tho and it fucking sucks, i feel like a pitiful loser thinking about it, or even worse when she talks to me about it, like telling me to not love her and get over her and how to deal with it all. FUCKING LOSER GODDAMN! shes right but i cant help it.. i love her so much, i havent dated or anything since, she has but i rather not know details ugh, she occupies my mind so much so that i dont think i could really do anything with anyone else, not attracted to anyone really, i think and dream of her so much wow. how pitiful. it sucks how women can get anyone they want, literally go up to them and say "have you been waiting for me?" of course any guy would react positively to that, especially to such a beautiful girl........ ive tried using tinder with no luck, no response to a hello how are you, zip, zero, nada. am i really that ugly? i first went on months ago and she got upset by it, so much so she had to make one, match with me and delete it, i ditched it to since no luck and it was making me more depressed. she asked me if i had any luck, surprised to hear i got nothing. no one likes me i guess. should i blame them? i dont even like myself, i hate myself. i hate the way i am and the way i go about life and interactions/conversations, I SUCK! didnt really pick up on it until i got a little older but i realized i can be awkward, before i knew what that even was, same with anxiety, ive had those feelings but i didnt know that is what i was until i got older. so again ive been affecting people unintentionally... another reason to not be around me. most of conversations start or prolong because someone else talks, i like that, but i want to be like that, but my mind ugh, MY MINDDDDDDD. so i dont actually make friends, i just talk with people when i see them, i have like 4 friends i guess? i dont even know :/ feels like 0. i wish i could just go and talk to anyone, both my parents and my sister are outgoing and can talk to people easy, i cam out the shy quiet one. why why me? i feel as if i have the shitest luck, things wont go the way i want ever, but i am usually right in the way things play out in some kind of messed up reality bull shit. im right more times id liked to be, thought about this, im right because i manifested that into reality, unintentionally. thats the worst.. this reality is a weird one, twisted and beautiful, WTF. it got me messed up tho, i hate it.. i hate reality.. this living thing that we're doing, im over it, its temporary and painful. Id like to transition into the next life, something more than this materialistic plane. its been corrupted and im not sure what can fix it besides destroy and rebuild. holy shit my brain hurts, ive been writing for hours now.. i feel very alone on this subject and in this life/reality, like i dont belong. i do enjoy my solitude very much, but i do get lonely and dont want to be alone, but for a long time ive always seen/thought of myself ending up alone living in nature somewhere till the end of my days, hopefully reaching enlightenment. but it sounds sad and lonely.. my life.. deep down ive always felt alone, even when someone is in love with me........ my ex asked me if i was going to be alone forever, i shrugged and said i dont know. or will i unintentionally manifest my life so. when i was really hippy i thought itd be cool to meditate my life away, i suppose an option, or to be a monk but holy cow thats a commitment idk if i could make, i dont like rules and i do what i want, maybe if itd be for a little. but now i think thats something to do when im way older, or not at all because i dont want to be alone. now that i am man, i dont feel very manly. or how to be a proper man, a lack of discipline and i dont get shit done.. my relationship with my father is barley a thing, but growing up id spend summer vacation with him, i enjoyed it, but not having a dad by my side really affected me and it shows, growing up with a positive male influence would made me so much better, there are things only a father can teach and i missed out on it. dad wasnt there.. we have hung out a couple times recently and it was pretty nice, i didnt really talk about what id like, get to know him better, i feel i dont know him at all really. my relationship between my parents has been another hell, in the middle of a custody case, and parents poisoning me about the other parent trying to win me oh god, my dad seemed worse because hes the smart one, but my mom has been very toxic, a selfish airhead in her own world where its ok if she says so. so ive always been in the middle of peoples issues, whether i wanted to be or not, with family and friends. like is it me? or is it this world? is this what every human goes through at some point? more reasons to just avoid that and be alone, peaceful, right? not so much anymore, these seas are raging.