Why is it always the ones I Don't want?

[blumar]

Someone please tell me that I'm not the only one who has experienced this...
The guy I'm not in love with winds up telling me they love me. And the one guy that I can honestly say I fell in love with, didn't love me back. ugh.

Sorry, but I just keep going over this in my mind and asking myself - did I do the right thing?

The brief history: I was in a relationship for about six years...he asked me to marry him. It was a great match - all the parents/grandparents were happy. He was a good person, educated, well off, etc. I felt the pressure from everyone to marry him. But, when he proposed, the very first thought in my mind was "no, I don't love you". We ended our relationship.

I fell in love with someone else. And honestly fell in love - would have given up everything/anything to make sure he was happy and safe. Unexpectedly, we dated and stayed together for 3 years. But eventually broke it off (his choice) because our relationship didn't go over well with the family.

Sometimes I think to myself - why didn't you just marry the first guy? Make everyone happy and just deal with it. But then I think what a complete lie it would have been.

Why is it always the ones I don't want...why can't it be the one I want?

Sorry for the rant.

 

[Badjedidude]

I'd say quit wondering about it so much and give the guys that DO love you a chance. Guys are always going to love you without you returning the favor....but what I think you should do is at least give yourself a CHANCE to learn to love these guys in return.

Otherwise, you may never find anyone. Take what you get, when you get it, I say.

----Steve

 

[Maverick1989]

"Before you judge someone, try walking in their shoes for a mile."

Sorry Badjedidude, stole the answer right from your sig

You should try to know the person who loves you better, that way you might start to love him even if you normaly wouldn't date him. I don't want to attack you, but this is mostly the sole reason why alot of less attractive/interesting guys are still lonely. :club:

And getting to know people isn't a bad thing either, maybe he has some very attractive friends! Who knows!

 

[Phaedron]

So after 6 years of being together when the guy finally proposed you ended the whole thing, and now you're pissed cause the guy you actually loved ended it on you.

Sounds like you got what you deserved. Life is trying to teach you something here.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm in no position to judge you. And certainly I will not take advice from people that
don't have any experince on such matters. Life is not trying to teach you anything...

No one can give you the reasons why for you

I can however share my experince, strength and hope on this matter.
I can relate to you to a certain degree. I married someone that I love very much. Families and friend got in the way.
I do know that she still loves me and cares for me very much. However we're still not together.

I got into serval relationships after my divorce....The women that fell in love with me basically acted like the perfect wife.
They had some similar triats and qualities...Yet for some reason...I didn't have the level of passion and desire for them
as my ex-wf. These women felt it and they tried to deal with it...I tried to deal with it. I tried to learn how to love a woman
in a relationship for 6 years. It wasn't like I did'nt care for her..I did very much..but there were certain things I wouldn't do
or go out of my way for her. You know what I'm talking about.....If you don't love someone...You don't love someone.
It hurted her..at the sametime...it wasn't like she didn't have other men in her life before.

I remember the first woman I dated after my diviorce. It rip her heart to pieces...but i couldn't do it any longer.
I didn't love her so i ended that relationship. A couple months later I saw her with another guy...She seem very,very happy.
She looked like she found someone that loves her.

Well...my last LT relationship...Somewhere alone the line she didn't love me or loved me back.
It dragged on a lot longer than it should have. We separated 5-6 times..I forget. She kept coming back to,
I keep letting her in. At the sametime..She felt it. She felt that I had feelings for my ex-wf...

You can't make someone love you and you shouldn't be force to love anyone...Screw fucken guilt.
Learning how to love someone is like lying to myself. Settling for less. Eventaully it'll catch up to you...You know this.

i have it in black and white...even my ex-wf admits it...when you love someone or have had the best...it's just not the same with someone else.
I know she loves me. She will always love me. It's a part of her. She was borned with it. She came into this world loving me....
I don't know how to stop loving her....
I even tried to convience myself that I hated her...playing mind trips on myself. The turth is I love her and that's all there is to it. Simple.

I don't have an answer of what you should do...
Do however love your yourself no matter what.
I hope all your hopes and dreams come true.
I hope that you will fine someone that you truly love and love you back.
To thy ownself be true...

 

[Phaedron]

And certainly I will not take advice from people that
don't have any experince on such matters. Life is not trying to teach you anything...

That's just his less then subtle way of saying I'm a loser and don't know anything.

Everything that happens in life is teaching us something, the rest of his post goes on to say what? What he LEARNED from his relationships. I certainly wouldn't listen to hypocrits who contradict themselves just to put someone else down. Plus someone with a lot of failed relationships can only really teach us what went wrong. I fail to see how this counts as greater worthwhile experience.

I don't know the details of what kind of relationship you had, but if you broke someone's heart you deserve to know what it feels like on the other end and it is poetic justice for that to happen to you. If not, then life is still teaching you something.

I can imagine how the guy must've felt. Build up the courage to ask someone to marry them, and then not only do they refuse they end the entire relationship. I can only imagine how much of a mindfuck that would be.

But like I said I dont know the relationship. Maybe there were no hurt feelings and it was more of a casual thing. You asked why this is happening to you and I gave you my opinion, not the sugar coated falsehood someone less honest might say, but whatever I'm done with this thread. My advice, is as always, consider what life is teaching you from the experience.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

And certainly I will not take advice from people that
don't have any experince on such matters. Life is not trying to teach you anything...

That's just his less then subtle way of saying I'm a loser and don't know anything.

Everything that happens in life is teaching us something, the rest of his post goes on to say what? What he LEARNED from his relationships. I certainly wouldn't listen to hypocrits who contradict themselves just to put someone else down. Plus someone with a lot of failed relationships can only really teach us what went wrong. I fail to see how this counts as greater worthwhile experience.

I don't know the details of what kind of relationship you had, but if you broke someone's heart you deserve to know what it feels like on the other end and it is poetic justice for that to happen to you. If not, then life is still teaching you something.

I can imagine how the guy must've felt. Build up the courage to ask someone to marry them, and then not only do they refuse they end the entire relationship. I can only imagine how much of a mindfuck that would be.

But like I said I dont know the relationship. Maybe there were no hurt feelings and it was more of a casual thing. You asked why this is happening to you and I gave you my opinion, not the sugar coated falsehood someone less honest might say, but whatever I'm done with this thread. My advice, is as always, consider what life is teaching you from the experience.

Speak for yourself...

Now I ma speak for myself...

I know not to take advice from you...I didn't have to learn it.
The kingdom of heaven is inside of me.
Be a light to thy own two feet.
To thy ownself be true.
In other words...god created me with all the answers. It's inside of me.
God is inside of me. All the knowelge , wisdom, love is inside of me...It's call my intuition.
or jesus is in my heart...whatever your flavor.
Such as...I know when I love someone and don't.

Blumar was born and create as I AM.
She has all her answers inside of her....

So you're telling her...life is teaching her to feel fucken guilty and be Ashame? ( I'm not fucken suger coating this)
Errr...seem to me like you're the one who's putting her down...

You worte it...not me.
What the fresia dose she deserve?
Answer the fucken question. make it clear. do not divert.

You're twisting it to fit your delusions.


So you're saying a person should stay in a relationship just becuase
they invested time. You know a lot of people stay in relationships
for years just becuase of that and are very unhappy and depressed.
Even I did it....

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here's what my ex-wf wrote
I told you i have it black and white...

I am just trying to stay in place, not show my face....lying to myself...I am troubled by the signs I feel now...like if I think about him I cant breathe....I cant. I want to be with him, but right now its just not working out. I have to handle all this bullshit....so heres the question.........Do I stay with the man I have been married to for almost 20 years who has taken care of me and my girls...given me practically anything I wanted or do I go to the man who I have loved for 20 years and hope and pray things work out?????????? I am so confused....im so obsesses with this now I think of nothing else. I cant handle the pain of being in this house much longer, thank god its almost finished so I can sell. I dont know whats coming after that, but im sure my ass will be in college finishing my degree so I can have something for me!! I miss him telling me he loves me, asking me how things are going.....oh fresia I miss it all. Even though it was a phone that brought us together each night I miss it!!!!!! I am in a lonely house with a man who wants to watch his big ass tv and keep me hidden.....what do I do?????????????? Get high, yeah thats it!!!!!!!!!! out for now, maybe back later if I dont work on my painting.

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Chelle asked me out...It took a lot of love and courage on her part.
Chelle is a very attractive woman...she could of had any guys she wanted. Guys were hitting up on her all the time.
She went against the grain. It was nevered convient for her to love me.
Her parents hated me...just for the sake of hating me.
Poeple used to stair at her as if there was something wrong with her for loving me.
I'm asain and she's cucasian. 20 years ago way down south...that was tabooo. In the Bibble Belt...none the less.
In other words we were surround by biggotry and hatred...judgemental fuckheads.
In the misyt of all that hell...there was love, true love.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Someone please tell me that I'm not the only one who has experienced this...

No, you're not the only one.

The brief history: I was in a relationship for about six years...he asked me to marry him. It was a great match - all the parents/grandparents were happy. He was a good person, educated, well off, etc. I felt the pressure from everyone to marry him. But, when he proposed, the very first thought in my mind was "no, I don't love you". We ended our relationship.

If you really did not love him, then I think it is better than you figured this out when you did than years after you were married. As painful as it must have been to break things off when you did, it is worlds worse to dissolve a marriage.

Sometimes you can grow to love another person, but really if your gut instinct was, "No I can't do this because I don't love you," then it's probably right on. For both your sakes, it's a shame that you didn't come to the realization sooner, but sometimes we can be cruising along in a relationship, not really taking stock of our feelings. Then something like moving to a new level whether moving in together or a proposal can throw it all out of kilter.

---

Sounds like you got what you deserved. Life is trying to teach you something here.

Telling her that she got what she deserved is uncalled for. She didn't break it off with the first guy to hurt him or to be spiteful.

If she'd accepted the proposal and she really didn't love him, just how well do you think that marriage would have gone? It would not have been fair to either of them to be stuck in a one-sided marriage.

 

[mintymint]

The brief history: I was in a relationship for about six years...he asked me to marry him. It was a great match - all the parents/grandparents were happy. He was a good person, educated, well off, etc. I felt the pressure from everyone to marry him. But, when he proposed, the very first thought in my mind was "no, I don't love you". We ended our relationship.

You're lucky you were able to hear that voice inside you. As hard as it may be to believe many people rely on external cues (a partner well liked by others, good family chemistry, what friends say) in these situations and fail to understand what they want. It's good that you were in tune with your feelings at that crucial moment. A good friend of mine was in a relationship for 9 years (married for 5 of them) and when it was ending one day during a discussion she blurted out to me (and herself) "if it were up to me, I never would have gotten married." She only came to that revelation when it was coming to an end. It was sad, but she picked up the pieces and is in the best place she's ever been. Some people just need a deeper connection to make a relationship work.

 

[kelbo]

Would dating be fun if you just got the person you wanted? No. There wouldn't be any awkward or embarrassing dates if the first person came along was perfect. You need to the weird moments to realise how great the good ones are.

If there wasn't a struggle then it wouldn't feel so great when you finally got it. It is like the hard days work people put in for their pay check. It feels better to work towards something to get it. If things fall in your lap then you become lazy and ungrateful.

Life is random. Things happen. It is just how it is.

Stop fretting on the past. Concentrate on the future.

 

[fdelapena]

This is the one of the main reasons why I am distrustful of women, and one of the ways my heart was ripped apart.

All you women need to look beyond the looks of others, this is one of the main reasons why there are men and women who hate each other because of this stupid immature bullshit!

And yes I am married, initially I never was interested in my wife because she was a woman. Women are the reason why I don't like them, but I gave her a chance by looking beyond who she is and opened myself up to her. You know what out of all the women I could have been in a relationship in, married..I never looked back because this was the woman for me and to think if I had rejected her I may be miserable hating women for the rest of my life..but now...I don't hate them so much..though they can get annoying to me.

 

[VanillaCreme]

No, you're not the only one. I experience this too. And more often than I'd like. And it's not so easy as "give the guys who DO love you a chance"... I can't just like someone because they like me. For me, I have to feel a connection with them at all, and simply liking me won't just do alone. If someone turns out to like me, and I don't like them back like that, I feel bad. One guy liked me for a year, and started saying that we were dating when I never even agreed to. I never said anything to him about being with him.

I just refuse to settle for someone because they're there. It's not that they aren't good people or aren't good enough. I just wouldn't appreciate someone "settling" for me. If there's no connection there, I won't even bother.

---

This is the one of the main reasons why I am distrustful of women, and one of the ways my heart was ripped apart.

All you women need to look beyond the looks of others, this is one of the main reasons why there are men and women who hate each other because of this stupid immature bullshit!

And yes I am married, initially I never was interested in my wife because she was a woman. Women are the reason why I don't like them, but I gave her a chance by looking beyond who she is and opened myself up to her. You know what out of all the women I could have been in a relationship in, married..I never looked back because this was the woman for me and to think if I had rejected her I may be miserable hating women for the rest of my life..but now...I don't hate them so much..though they can get annoying to me.

Why don't you turn gay then? You wouldn't have to deal with women.

FYI: Not ALL women look for appearance. Maybe you've been looking at the wrong ones yourself.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

No, you're not the only one. I experience this too. And more often than I'd like. And it's not so easy as "give the guys who DO love you a chance"... I can't just like someone because they like me. For me, I have to feel a connection with them at all, and simply liking me won't just do alone. If someone turns out to like me, and I don't like them back like that, I feel bad. One guy liked me for a year, and started saying that we were dating when I never even agreed to. I never said anything to him about being with him.

I just refuse to settle for someone because they're there. It's not that they aren't good people or aren't good enough. I just wouldn't appreciate someone "settling" for me. If there's no connection there, I won't even bother.

---

This is the one of the main reasons why I am distrustful of women, and one of the ways my heart was ripped apart.

All you women need to look beyond the looks of others, this is one of the main reasons why there are men and women who hate each other because of this stupid immature bullshit!

And yes I am married, initially I never was interested in my wife because she was a woman. Women are the reason why I don't like them, but I gave her a chance by looking beyond who she is and opened myself up to her. You know what out of all the women I could have been in a relationship in, married..I never looked back because this was the woman for me and to think if I had rejected her I may be miserable hating women for the rest of my life..but now...I don't hate them so much..though they can get annoying to me.

Why don't you turn gay then? You wouldn't have to deal with women.

FYI: Not ALL women look for appearance. Maybe you've been looking at the wrong ones yourself.

---

Becuase I wasn't borned gay...

No...not all women look for apprearance.
Some of the ones that don't, look for money?
Evidently Benjiman still looks better than me dead.
so f-it...it's still looking no matter how you go about it.lmao

Any women that's ever gotten involved with me...is lying to herself if she didn't know wtf she was doing or getting into.
None were miss goodie too shoes...I know that. All of them lied to me and made broken promises. ALL of them..that includes Chelle the woman I love very much.
Her..especailly her...she knew exactly what she was doing. She ask me out. She wasn't drunk on the first night nor the last.
I married her....striaght up, no bullshit. I put my heart, soul and life on the line too...

 

[VanillaCreme]

I don't remember asking you. That wasn't even directed towards you. Once again, you take something that wasn't even said to you and make it into something about you, Rocket. At least keep your senseless comments to posts directed at you.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

This is the one of the main reasons why I am distrustful of women, and one of the ways my heart was ripped apart.

All you women need to look beyond the looks of others, this is one of the main reasons why there are men and women who hate each other because of this stupid immature bullshit!

Actually, no. All of us women don't need to do a damned thing. Plenty of us look beyond a man's appearance and toward a deeper connection. I know from experience that it's impossible to force attraction, and being in a loveless/attractionless relationship just because you can is simply trading one misery for another.

And yes I am married, initially I never was interested in my wife because she was a woman. Women are the reason why I don't like them...

If you despise women so much I really wonder that you want to be in a relationship with one at all.

 

[Steel]

This is the one of the main reasons why I am distrustful of women, and one of the ways my heart was ripped apart.

All you women need to look beyond the looks of others, this is one of the main reasons why there are men and women who hate each other because of this stupid immature bullshit!

Kindly refrain from preaching your own predjudices. All your recent posts on this forum seem to be along the same lines.

 

[Aedammair]

Hey people... chiiill. Stop for a minute okay. fdelapena... you're wrong about all women being like that. Women are actually more likely to go past looks than men are. It is wrong to generalize on both sides. Vanilla Creme, yes he's wrong. No need to attack him about it or suggest he goes gay (I am not against gay people so if I start getting crap I swear). Everyone chill out and please redirect your passionate answers towards helping Blumar.

I've had a considerable amount of trouble with the same thing I always want what I apparently can't have. And then someone I either don't like that way or am apathetic too suddenly wants to date. It sucks.
But eventually, more than likely, you're gonna fall for someone who is stricken by you. Don't give up hope yet. Just put yourself out there sometimes, date, and see if any of them are going to go where you want them to go.
You shouldn't be upset with yourself about not marrying someone you don't love. Personally, as soon as I'm sure that a relationship isn't going romantically (whether a friendship or dating), I try and let that person know (more often than not discreetly) so that they don't think I'm leading them on.
Just remember that just because you don't have an immediate attraction to a person, don't write them off. Sometimes love grows out of the strangest relationships.


Goodluck
Aedammair

 

[Badjedidude]

I don't remember asking you. That wasn't even directed towards you. Once again, you take something that wasn't even said to you and make it into something about you, Rocket. At least keep your senseless comments to posts directed at you.

I laughed so hard at this. XD I loves you, Nilla. lol

ALSO: I don't think I need to add any comments as to fdelapena's attitude...it would be overkill. I agree with everyone else here.

----Steve

 

[dontwant2beelonely]

Focus on the ones who want you instead of the ones who most likely want to mess with your emotions.