Why many people are lonely

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Francis

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I've spent a few days here and it's become obvious to me why many people are lonely just like on most other forums even though this one should expressly be looking for SOLUTIONS to loneliness since the purpose of the forum is to put loneliness at the forefront. Of course, finding solutions to life's problems is the modus operandi of just three personality types (of which I've noticed/typed about 7 active people here) while that half of the other personality types live lifes of problems and enjoy being there. Solutions aren't comfortable or easy so why go through the effort?


- Nothing to offer. People may be looking for support or someone to be interested in them, but show no active interest in others at an individual level or dont offer anything so its all about taking, taking, taking--something which is totally average and can be seen across most forums, especially relationship forums. So if you stick to average ways of doing things you'll get average results; that means mediocre results. Since friendship is idealistic there is no such thing as a mediocre friendship, those are called acquaintances, and they don't offer fellowship, which is what most lonely people should be aiming for if they want positive relationships. It should come as no suprise that people like people who have something to offer to their life and that reciprocation is good. If you take no interest in other people or any real step in helping them, all you'll have is acquaintances

- No personality/bland. If you like hiding yourself and your personality and anything about you which may actually form a connection with someone else, then you won't pair bond (and talking about pains and traumas have their place but barely count, they bring down the conversation instead of up, is in the past and not the future which is what we OUGHT to be looking forward to.) That's why the personality type that contains hidenness and concealment also contains helplessness and quitting<--- which is what many have done, even have consciously and directly said it. So they crave contact but are too comfortable and 'hands off' to do any effort to get it. The big problem here is that your life is gonna be circular, always going back to the same starting point without ever getting anywhere, you never get to the root of things, so you don't have the power to change circumstances.



There are more reasons which I won't get into now. What I propose is that we take a good look at ourselves and our lives and not conform to the lonely half-lives society forced upon us. We should be the change we want to see in the world. This is much deeper than simply finding someone to talk to, but concerns the future of humanity. What do we have to give to others and the world which proves useful? If the answer is nothing, we have a big societal problem, not only will people be unable to form families (in which I include friends) but won't advance much in their work, and won't have a support in place to also help them advance in their work. We've globally stagnated and as a result we are seeing widespread loneliness and a total lack of innovation, even when it's the case that we have the potential to do the total opposite. So yeah, we have harder years to come; will we rise to the challenge of bettering ourselves or our lives or self servingly think we are the best we can be already and give up?
 

TheSkaFish

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I don't know -

on the one hand, ideas about "value" and "not having enough to offer" have always rubbed me the wrong way because they seem to carry the same kind of gross energy as, like if I were to say some woman isn't attractive because her boobs and ass aren't big enough. Basically that's what this post seems to say - that people are lonely, because they aren't "good enough" for anyone. I don't know if that's a good way to think about this.

I'm not faulting you specifically for this. I'm more like faulting society as a whole for it.

A lot of how much "value" we have always seemed like it comes down to luck - just so happening to be the right kind of person, with the right body, right brain/mind, right personality, right interests, etc. You can't help what you are or aren't born with. I hope you can modify it, but I don't know.

In addition to that, growing up, I thought we were all equally, inherently valuable. I thought that was the message that parents, teachers, and modern society in general was trying to say, because we as a species had evolved out of savagery and into civilization, and knew better enough to be understanding and compassionate instead of cold, competitive, and brutish. And that people who believed that some people were inherently better than others, were backwards, morally wrong, and even evil - from everyday examples like common bullies, all the way to the Nazis on the extreme end of the spectrum.

And another message I heard often growing up was, "just be yourself". "Don't worry about being 'cool' or fitting in". "Don't change yourself for others". Aren't we supposed to just like the things we like? Or are we all supposed to be trying to get really good at something in order to impress other people, and be "good enough" - interesting enough, wild enough, rich enough, good enough at various sports or art forms or whatever else, etc.

Are we supposed to do all these things only if we want to? Or are we supposed to do them because we have to, and we can't just like things? Sometimes it feels like there is a very narrow "right" way to live, where we have to make sure to tick all these various boxes, and make sure to hit various quotas - need to have such and such skills up to such and such level, need to have such and such amount of ideas, need to have such and such amount of stories - it's hard to guarantee these things. And it seems like if we lived our lives trying to tick these boxes and hit these quotas, instead of just living naturally and doing what we want because we want to, the result would be pretty artificial.

But considering this is the case -
it's hard to have something to offer if you don't so happen to get inspired with the right ideas in the first place. If the right ideas to be interesting, don't occur to you, or you're not exposed to things that could inspire you, or you are but just don't randomly get the right ideas from it, then you're going to be stuck.

Another challenge is how to be interesting when you have to work. Most jobs are boring, mundane things that just need to be done, and leave you with little time or energy to work on being an interesting person. Most jobs take you in the opposite direction of that, and push you more towards mediocrity, whether you want it or not. And spending all day doing something you have no real interest in doing, while you feel like you can't really get good enough at anything you really are interested in, kind of beats the joy out of life. It makes things that previously seemed fun and interesting, not that fun and interesting anymore. Survival is necessary, but it's boring. Most people's best chances of survival are just to do some boring job that they CAN do, intellectually - but that they're not really personally interested in doing - mainly because such a job would pay enough for a normal, functional, middle-class lifestyle. It's hard to be motivated to be the best at something, or for that something to give you a sense of energy, confidence, interest in yourself and liking yourself, when you're just doing it to avoid being poor. And even if you are working on being interesting, you still need to do something that pays enough for you to have a life in the meanwhile, because life is still happening while you're working on that. Life is still passing you by.

These are the concerns I spend a lot of time thinking about when it comes to this. I guess it all comes down to, how free are we to change ourselves if we don't just so happen to have been born the "right" kind of person? Can we make ourselves into whatever we want, or are we prisoners of how much genetic talent we do or don't have?

I guess that's the question - can a person overcome a lack of natural, inborn genetic talent, or not?
 
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Cherubino

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I love to be lonely in public life but not in my private life ... I think many evils would diminish if people would learn to be less gregarious and value quality instead of quantity ... I think a domestic partner and optional offspring would be enough to fulfill a great deal of the need to be social ... Nordic societies (around Scandinavia) are considered the happiest although they are also atomized but at the same time they are the most generous when it comes to contribute to the common welfare ... if the whole world would be like them wouldn't be that a smart world
 
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I totally agree that with all the intelligent, energy driven, and creative people in the world we could make this a GREAT planet. We have some amazing technology too. OMG! Could you imagine if each country actually helped each other. IMO, life can totally be awesome for so many people. Helping others makes you feel better too. When I was younger I thought I could do anything and that I was going to be super successful. The possiblities are endless!

But, it just doesn't work that way. Well, atleast for most people. For instance, WTF is with Russia invading Ukraine and how the fuck can so many other countires be setup that it severely affects them when shit like that happens? WTF is the world just sitting back, watching, and given Ukraine just enough support to not make a real difference?

With inflation a known problem, last year many countries just kept their foot on the gas hoping for the best while knowing that supplies are/were limited. That's the worst time to put their foot on the gas. Hell the US president is talking about removing the tarrifs on Chinese products to help with inflation. Are you kidding me? Their output is WAY down. So, if Chinese products are cheaper for Americans they will buy more. That will cause even more shortages of Chinese products. So, China will raise their prices, which will only help them and have a net zero effect on us or worse.

Modern life is filled with too many problems now to be so thrilled about it. IMO, most people feel like they are struggling just to get by. So, they have no more energy to interact with other people and improve things. People aren't as stupid as the leaders believe them to be. They know the government is screwing them and their children over for generations to come. So, they have turned to self preservation, which makes sense. I don't like it. But, I don't blame them.

Leaders are in postion to lead and are supposed to lead. Yet, the current leaders are leading us down the shitter. I know that life has kicked the shit out of me. I'm afraid to stick my head up or I'll get wacked again. Hell I don't even want to leave my house any more. The best feeling I have now is shutting and locking the door behind me when I come home.

It's not such much that the people need to change in order to change this world. Most people are sheep. Humans are a herd animal. They need to be led in the right direction, given the neccesary tools to succeed, given a real oppurtunity to succeed and thrive, and shown the right path by leading by example. The world is in dire need for real leadership. I hope you have the strength to deal with the crap, rise to the top, and help lead the world in a better direction. I just know I don't.
 

Adamridge79

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Here's what's missing. Banter is generally back and forth a sentence, maybe three. In real life, someone goes into their spiel, your mind wanders (you know what's cool? Hummingbirds weigh almost nothing, but when they fight, that shit is loud) oh...their still going. Um, quick, listen to a sentence. They finally stop, you reply, 'Yep, totally) and never do that again. 8.25 sentences
 
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Here's what's missing. Banter is generally back and forth a sentence, maybe three. In real life, someone goes into their spiel, your mind wanders (you know what's cool? Hummingbirds weigh almost nothing, but when they fight, that shit is loud) oh...their still going. Um, quick, listen to a sentence. They finally stop, you reply, 'Yep, totally) and never do that again. 8.25 sentences
Well the difference is that we are not speaking to each other in person. I understand you like the quick back and forth. I do too much of the time. But, sometimes, it's nice to expand and fully explain what you are thinking and feeling. It's also nice to read what other's write in long responses because they can fully explain themselves.
 

Cherubino

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public life autism will save the world (I'm already doing it) ... As for the private life we should have a thorough global database while artificial intelligence find me a partner in no time ... also we should have the option to fall in love with a customized operating system like in the movie "Her"
 

TheRealCallie

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public life autism will save the world (I'm already doing it) ... As for the private life we should have a thorough global database while artificial intelligence find me a partner in no time ... also we should have the option to fall in love with a customized operating system like in the movie "Her"
It's 6 am and I'm tired, so I may not have understood this correctly, but how is autism going to save the world, when the majority of the world doesn't know anything about autism? Most people think autism is all low functioning/special needs type of thing. At least that's how it is in the places I've been.
 

Cherubino

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it's 1:30 PM and I'm in a hurry to go to the city to meet my therapist .... I meant an autism-like pandemics will save the world in the sense if individuals would be less gregarious and live in their own emotional, spiritual bubble rather than "connect" to others when in a public domain ... many evils stem from the fact that people think others should be after their image and feel the need to enforce that if not complied
 

Francis

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I love to be lonely in public life but not in my private life ... I think many evils would diminish if people would learn to be less gregarious and value quality instead of quantity ... I think a domestic partner and optional offspring would be enough to fulfill a great deal of the need to be social ... Nordic societies (around Scandinavia) are considered the happiest although they are also atomized but at the same time they are the most generous when it comes to contribute to the common welfare ... if the whole world would be like them wouldn't be that a smart world

Good childrearing is restricted to mostly Scandinavia, highest level country in every sense. US and UK are a whole century behind, they barely get to the level of Doctor Spock's work regarding child rearing practices. UK glorifies apathy and psychopathy which is why it has an obsession with serial killers. And the US is obsessed with beating the shit out of people with batons cause they thought the Nazi's were great until they had to fight against them and then rage against communism for the following decades because...they took the nazis place!

I have no idea about Romania. How is it there? Can you move to Scandinavia?
 

ardour

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I'm just leaving this here. The second to last comment should be enough of a warning.
 
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ringwood

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Here's what's missing. Banter is generally back and forth a sentence, maybe three. In real life, someone goes into their spiel, your mind wanders (you know what's cool? Hummingbirds weigh almost nothing, but when they fight, that shit is loud) oh...their still going. Um, quick, listen to a sentence. They finally stop, you reply, 'Yep, totally) and never do that again. 8.25 sentences
You're free to skip over the 'thesis' posts if you like. Sometimes, a post requires a more in-depth response in order to fully explain and express one's thoughts. Sure, banter has a place at times but so do other types of posts. Don't like it? Don't read it. Pretty simple.
There's a little envelope thingie up there that is perfect for those very types of interactions.
No need for the snide comments.
 

Cherubino

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Good childrearing is restricted to mostly Scandinavia, highest level country in every sense. US and UK are a whole century behind, they barely get to the level of Doctor Spock's work regarding child rearing practices. UK glorifies apathy and psychopathy which is why it has an obsession with serial killers. And the US is obsessed with beating the shit out of people with batons cause they thought the Nazi's were great until they had to fight against them and then rage against communism for the following decades because...they took the nazis place!

I have no idea about Romania. How is it there? Can you move to Scandinavia?
man, I'm physically unfit and kinda old to move there but if I was younger I would work even as their garbage man without hesitation ... well Romanians are exactly the opposite of the Scandinavians, Latin people like the Italians and also Eastern Orthodox like the Russians ... I don't want to comment further
 

randomguy

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Bloody hell! No banter in here at all!?

I didn't realise how lonely I was, until I decided my favourite sexual position was right-handed.
 

TheRealCallie

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man, I'm physically unfit and kinda old to move there but if I was younger I would work even as their garbage man without hesitation ... well Romanians are exactly the opposite of the Scandinavians, Latin people like the Italians and also Eastern Orthodox like the Russians ... I don't want to comment further

Wait, there's something wrong with being a garbage man? I know several people who have done that job They make a pretty good paycheck...granted, not what a doctor would make, but a lot more than fast food or retail. On top of that, it's honest work.

Also, to clarify other posts, America is NOT full of Nazi wannabes who beat people with batons....
 

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