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L

Leef `c

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My life over the past years has been an act of complete isolation, a rejection of introducing people into my life in any sense. I've lost contact with the extended family, with all my old friends, I am cordially distant from people in public and I make it clear I am not looking for a conversation, a friend, or a date.

It's as though I am situating myself for suicide. I use my freedom to sever myself from everything, I have turned my home into a death row.

Nothing interests me. Sometimes I find passion or interest, but most days are wearisome trudge out of bed and through the day.

I can't start a movie, a book, a walk outside, a news paper, a video game. I only have the motivation to start small things like reading or watching TV. But I become bored after a few moments and it seems pointless and I can't push through them. I will stop reading, stop watching TV, and instead lie on a couch or my bed or in a chair. This idle nothingness is what consumes most of my time.

I have nothing to do. I am a 21 year old man whose circumstances of life are rather pathetic: I live with my grandparents without a job; I have limited work experience and no resume or qualifications or references and indeed no career goals & the simplest conversation with strangers or peers is fraught with so much anxiety and boredom that I don't attempt it anymore with anyone.

The job hunt process is equally overwhelming as it requires a level of social interaction that I have atrophied . I fear it to the point of parallelization. In this way I am trapped as if in prison. I am idle in my room, becoming increasingly inert, drifting between feelings of emptiness and despair.

For some reason the usual overwhelming despair and depression was not clouding my every thought and I was granted an hour or so of lucidity and levity of spirit.

But this calmness of mind brought to my attention a sad revelation: I have no interests, no hobbies, no passions or talents--no pursuits of any sort whatever.

I don't care about video games or comic books, about movies or literature, I don't play a musical instrument, I was never a part of a group. I don't watch TV, I don't read magazines or newspapers or blogs or listen to the news, I don't even care about the historic presidential elections coming up.

I realized that if I wanted to branch out to other people I wouldn't have a single solitary reason for doing so, not one talking point. There is no reason for me to be around other people. It would quickly turn to silence and then annoyance at their presence.
 
There are some people who also have nothing to talk about but still want to be around someone and don't mind the silence, just a matter of finding someone like that

A lot of the things you described like lack of motivation and lose of interest in things you used to enjoy are signs of depression, so maybe some of this is your brain's chemistry and not how your life is going, you could try seeing a psychologist and ask about medicine or you could try SAM e which is available over the counter, it increases the amount of serotonin in the brain and has been shown to help with depression, I use it and find it helps a lot, it's at least worth a try, it might make you feel better, and remember to take it with a b vitamin if you want to try it
 
I feel alot of those feelings also, I'm 23 living with adopted mom. Somehow I've managed to lose all my joy and passion for life, I'm so jaded right now, I can't even share a joke with someone. Ppl say I shouldn't feel so sorry for myself but I can't help it, I'm a deformed ******* freak and life never lets me forget it. There is this sense of worthlessness that I can't even describe, I feel like a walking mistake. I feel dirty for just sitting around everyday crying inside, everybody seems to be moving on in life. I think and even talk about suicide alot but never had the courage to even make an attempt, its weird, I hate being alive so much but I can't let go of it. I'm left here stumbling through each day aimlessly, constantly trying to distract myself from reality. I envy everyone, with their loves, friendships, plans, even their problems. I often daydram of having just one friend, somebody who didn't care what I looked like, somebody who saw me as just a regular human being, not some genetic mistake, even my mom called me a freak recently. I don't know what to do with myself.............
 
I can identify with most of what you are saying. While i see no question i wouldn't have an answer anyway or i wouldn't be where i am. The stuff NeverMore mentions, sounds of interest.
 
Sixtyten, dude. You are not lazy and OK you have not much to do in the day. So no surprise you then smoke a bit of weed and just lay on your bed doing nothing. It's hard to gain motivation when you have nothing to get you out of bed in a morning. Of this I know.

It dose not make you a bad person or even any less worthy of a person.

If you had a job offered to you would you not take it? Of course you would.

Now you just have to keep looking in the paper, the net and at the joke shop (job center) I call the job center a joke shop for reasons I think you well probably all ready know huh. Its easier to get a job when you have a job. You have no job. So its going to be moor difficult. But you only need the one break. And if you fined your self laid on ye bad just day dreaming then its really no big deal. just don't beat your self up over things man.

A good thing I think for you to do is make a plane. So think what you have to do then write it down so you have a timetable to keep to the next day. That way you wont just get up and go from the day.

You don't have to do something everyday. just make plans to go job hunting act say 2 times a week. then the rest of your time is your time. To do what ever you like even if that is just chillin with a spliff.
 
I can understand where you are comong from. I have also distanced myself from the outside world. I don't go anywhere or do anything. If I lived alone I would probably sleep the day away (I did before). I seem to find no interest in the world around me. Although, I think mine is more related to a trust and interaction issue. My life right now is at it's lowest point, but I'm still pushing forward, looking for that speck of sunshine in the darkness around me.

Honestly, you have to make yourself think about yourself. You have to tell yourself that finding a job is for your own good or that small conversations will help improve your ability to communicate. You have to give yourself that drive and motivation. If you don't push forward, you will begin to fall deeper into the abyss and lose all that matters to you. At this point, you may not care, but think about that person you could meet someday that would care. There is someone for you and friends (or maybe aquaintances) too. You just need to draw on that strength from within that you are turning into this sadness. I'm always here to talk or listen or whatever it is you may need, so don't be a stranger if you need anything. BIG HUGS---Doll
 

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