Would you listen to me?

[MIA]

Hi guys,

I did not know that so many people feel lonely as I do. I think it is good that we can support each other.

I am 39 years old. Single, live in Toronto for 4 years. 

My mom passed away in a car accident in 2000 when I was 19.  I keep recalling the horrible moment she had and try to imagine how scary and painful she felt. I guess I blame myself for not taking her side when she was suffering from the marriage struggling with my dad. The truth was my dad was cheating on her since I was 10 and I could not believe that. I trusted my father so much so I was not believing my mom. For those years, I was like a spoiled kid who always fights with mom for nonsense. Maybe subconsciously, I blamed her for not being happy which was so stupid and selfish. I discovered the truth in 1999 which was one year before the accident. I regretted and tried to fix my mistake. I had a few sincere and close conversations with my mom. I still remember she was touched and cried when I showed her my regret and trust. It was so hard for her to keep our family. She had no one to tell only me but I made her so miserable in so many years. She was an extremely diligent and kind-hearted person. She was just not smart enough to marry the right person. But she never gave up on loving my dad and me until the last moment of her life. We were just so selfish.

I guess I had some issue after that. If you can not believe the person who was supposed to love you the most, who you can believe? If you had no chance to fix your mistakes, how could you dare to make mistakes?

It was not bad enough. In 2004, my dad got cancer. I just transferred all of my attention to him. I could not imagine how would I live without any family. Unfortunately, things happened anyway. I lost my dad in 2006. I hold his hand until it became cold and stiff. He spent the last a few years of his life with the lady who he loved. I think he lived with the guilty feeling to my mom as well. I knew that my mom would not blame him because she loved him more than anything. I hope both of them have made their peace.

I had only one serious relationship in my whole life. It lasted for 4 years. I told myself I would not make the same mistake as my mom and my dad. It seems that I could not help losing myself in the relationship either. I thought we would get married in 2009 but it turned out the relationship ended in 2010.

After that, I tried to open my heart but I could not. I hope life will not end up like this.

 

[Finished]

Welcome to the forums! I think a lot of what you went through is fairly common. I definitely can related to it. All you can do now is remember the good times you had with your parents. Humans are all flawed. So don't be too hard on yourself or the memories of them. You have to keep moving forward. It's your choice to move forward in a positive or a negative manor.

 

[ahsatan]

Welcome

So sorry about ur mom

 

[StarDust]

Welcome Mia. Sounds like your Mom was a very compassionate person. It is a tough ride to lose your parents. I lost both parents at age of 17 (health issues). I agree with 'Finished', it is important to keep moving forward.

 

[BeyondShy]

Welcome MIA. Sorry to hear about all the things that happened to you that you wrote about. I hope you enjoy this forum a lot.

 

[Sir Joseph]

Listened we have.  Feel free to share here and seek support and encouragement.

 

[ewomack]

Hello! That was a rather sad tale you told above, but many of us can relate to some degree. It's good to share such things.

My first marriage, many years ago, ended with her running off with another person. She just told me she wanted to end the relationship, she didn't tell me about the affair she was having. I had to find out from other people, but when I found out I realized that it had been going on for years. A few puzzles pieces fell into place. I had dedicated myself to that marriage, but she apparently didn't. She even told a number of people that I was cheating on her, but she never accused me to my face and I had to find out about the accusations from someone else. They weren't true.

So I completely understand when you say "If you can not believe the person who was supposed to love you the most, who you can believe?" It took me a while to recover, but I did find someone else eventually and things took a turn for the better, but I had to take a few risks to get there. It can happen and there's no reason that it can't happen to you.

 

[MIA]

Welcome to the forums! I think a lot of what you went through is fairly common. I definitely can related to it. All you can do now is remember the good times you had with your parents. Humans are all flawed. So don't be too hard on yourself or the memories of them. You have to keep moving forward. It's your choice to move forward in a positive or a negative manor.

I guess I am just too lonely and I can't stop overthinking these days during Covid. I will try to be positive.

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Welcome MIA. Sorry to hear about all the things that happened to you that you wrote about. I hope you enjoy this forum a lot.

Thanks for your empathy.

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Welcome

So sorry about ur mom

Tks, I guess nothing can eliminate my guilty for her this life.

---

Welcome Mia.  Sounds like your Mom was a very compassionate person.  It is a tough ride to lose your parents.  I lost both parents at age of 17 (health issues).  I agree with 'Finished',  it is important to keep moving forward.

Tks to both of you. I will try.

---

Listened we have.  Feel free to share here and seek support and encouragement.

Thanks!

---

Hello! That was a rather sad tale you told above, but many of us can relate to some degree. It's good to share such things.

My first marriage, many years ago, ended with her running off with another person. She just told me she wanted to end the relationship, she didn't tell me about the affair she was having. I had to find out from other people, but when I found out I realized that it had been going on for years. A few puzzles pieces fell into place. I had dedicated myself to that marriage, but she apparently didn't. She even told a number of people that I was cheating on her, but she never accused me to my face and I had to find out about the accusations from someone else. They weren't true.

So I completely understand when you say "If you can not believe the person who was supposed to love you the most, who you can believe?" It took me a while to recover, but I did find someone else eventually and things took a turn for the better, but I had to take a few risks to get there. It can happen and there's no reason that it can't happen to you.

I am glad that things worked out for you. 

I hope it will work out for me one day.

 

[ewomack]

Welcome to the forums! I think a lot of what you went through is fairly common. I definitely can related to it. All you can do now is remember the good times you had with your parents. Humans are all flawed. So don't be too hard on yourself or the memories of them. You have to keep moving forward. It's your choice to move forward in a positive or a negative manor.

I guess I am just too lonely and I can't stop overthinking these days during Covid. I will try to be positive.

---

Welcome MIA. Sorry to hear about all the things that happened to you that you wrote about. I hope you enjoy this forum a lot.

Thanks for your empathy.

---

Welcome

So sorry about ur mom

Tks, I guess nothing can eliminate my guilty for her this life.

---

Welcome Mia.  Sounds like your Mom was a very compassionate person.  It is a tough ride to lose your parents.  I lost both parents at age of 17 (health issues).  I agree with 'Finished',  it is important to keep moving forward.

Tks to both of you. I will try.

---

Listened we have.  Feel free to share here and seek support and encouragement.

Thanks!

---

Hello! That was a rather sad tale you told above, but many of us can relate to some degree. It's good to share such things.

My first marriage, many years ago, ended with her running off with another person. She just told me she wanted to end the relationship, she didn't tell me about the affair she was having. I had to find out from other people, but when I found out I realized that it had been going on for years. A few puzzles pieces fell into place. I had dedicated myself to that marriage, but she apparently didn't. She even told a number of people that I was cheating on her, but she never accused me to my face and I had to find out about the accusations from someone else. They weren't true.

So I completely understand when you say "If you can not believe the person who was supposed to love you the most, who you can believe?" It took me a while to recover, but I did find someone else eventually and things took a turn for the better, but I had to take a few risks to get there. It can happen and there's no reason that it can't happen to you.

I am glad that things worked out for you. 

I hope it will work out for me one day.

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There is no reason to think that it can't. It happened to me when I least expected it and wasn't even looking. I can't explain it.

By the way, I love Toronto. It's a very underrated city. I've visited a few times and plan to return. I could live there, but that would take ambition.