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Why getting to know people scares the hell out of me...
06-11-2011, 06:12 AM
Post: #11
RE: Why getting to know people scares the hell out of me...
They all sound like very strange and unfortunate situations where you let yourself open up to the wrong people, those that need mental help. None of those people sounded like they should have been your friends, more trouble than it's worth. Sometimes it's really hard to judge character because people try to impress others by not being themselves.
I try to take my time when getting to know people and letting them get close to me. I will spend time with them in public situations unplanned for a good while, before I go anywhere with them. This is usually us hanging out at school when we run into each other, and I tend to let it go at least three months of frequent interaction (face to face) before I feel comfortable enough to spend time with them elsewhere. Then maybe we'll go out to lunch every once in a while, which is still in a public place but it's just the two of us. And then I will consider if I may let this person come over to my apartment, and by this time I've known them for at least 6-8 months. I try to make sure I catch the crazies before they get to close and then have my number and address and such and so forth. If (and when) meeting online, I would take far more time to get to know them, probably wait for a year of interaction before we meet face to face. If they're interested enough to talk to me consistently for that long, they probably aren't creepy, or they're extra creepy. I feel that I am a decent judge of character though, and so I hope that I will never let myself get into a situation where I'm being stalked by a creep....
Though, I really need to follow this same advice in closer relationships... But, I'm still learning. XD

When I look back on the past
It's a wonder I'm not yet extinct.
All the mistakes and bad judgments I made,
Nearly pushed me to the brink.
It doesn't pay to be too nice,
It's the one thing I have learned.
Still, i made my fossil bed.
Now i toss and turn.


I'm a dinosaur! Somebody is digging my bones...
[Image: Alan.jpg]
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06-11-2011, 05:17 PM (This post was last modified: 06-11-2011 05:19 PM by Lonesome Crow.)
Post: #12
RE: Why getting to know people scares the hell out of me...
you are not alone LuNA...
Poeple are freaken wierd man. In my travels I came across and met
a lot of off the wall people. i guess they probably say or thinks the samething about me. hahahaaaaa
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06-11-2011, 05:31 PM (This post was last modified: 06-11-2011 05:32 PM by IgnoredOne.)
Post: #13
RE: Why getting to know people scares the hell out of me...
Quote:I have a lovely family member that keeps reminding me that I'll probably be raped one day cause I look like easy prey and won't tell the police. I damn well will and will burn the motherfucker that tries to do harm to me.

I hate to say this, but she's probably projecting her own experiences, or someone close she knows upon you.

I'm glad to hear that you've taken steps to keep yourself safe. There are more balanced people out there.

"The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity...a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe."

John Walter Wayland

“When you can't cheat the game, you'd best find a means to cheat the players.”

Scott Lynch, Red Seas Under Red Skies
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09-13-2012, 06:37 AM
Post: #14
RE: Why getting to know people scares the hell out of me...
(06-05-2011 03:18 AM)Luna Wrote:  For the past few months, I've been trying to make progress on developing my social skills, making friends etc without much success.
Going to volunteer groups etc - I still don't quite fit in cause I'm a bit shy despite me trying to be more open.
It's just who I am. I'm not the loud, popular centre-of-attention types and do not want to be - but whatevs - that's not the point.

I've had more success in finding people online. The women seem to want me to wine and dine them...lmao I'm not doing that. The men seem alright, until they start making the moves on me despite me strictly stating that it is only platonic.

I suppose my intense paranoia that has been gradually building for the past while is due to unfortunate experiences I've had with men (angry stalkers); but nonetheless - I find myself almost just instinctively assessing for the following in a first meeting/ or the beginnings of a new friendship:

1. Rapist Potential

I don't know what it is about me - but people always suggest to me that I look vulnerable/ easy to take advantage of etc because of my "baby-face", mellowness, quiet voice and lack of confrontation.
I have a lovely family member that keeps reminding me that I'll probably be raped one day cause I look like easy prey and won't tell the police. I damn well will and will burn the motherfucker that tries to do harm to me.

There is nothing more f***ing scary than when you meet someone for the first time, and they're licking their lips, sticking out their assets, and trying to get in close to you and breathing down your neck.

I had chatted with someone for a few weeks on an online website and was going to meet them until they said that they ARE going to have a shower with me. I said no. They then said something along the lines:
"I AM GOING TO SHOWER WITH YOU AND YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTION."
What.the.fuck.

2. Angry people

Nothing is a bigger turn-off than an angry person.

Take this situation: I was excited that I had made a new friend (male). While shopping at Winners (Clothing/ Home Store), he got upset when I didn't follow him around to look at men's clothes...as I wanted to look at women's clothes instead for myself.
So I followed him around...he asked me what I think of orange on men.
I said I don't like it.
He got extremely mad and personally offended as that is his favourite colour.
Which reminds me, another time he showed up in some stylish outfit that I didn't notice. I don't notice men's clothing...it all looks the same to me. Plus I like...t-shirt and jeans; I don't care for fashionistas.
Got horribly angry at me for not noticing his new shirt, jeans, jacket etc.

3. Emotionally Needy and Controlling

The above-mentioned individual...every few days would be "How is our friendship coming along" "Are you mad at me?" "Do you want to be really good close friends? Really, really good friends with me?".
If I was quiet (sometimes I just don't feel talkative), he would take it as a slam and interpreted as something against him.

Another encounter: I was approached in a parking lot by some older fellow who had followed me all the way to the grocery store. (lololwhydidntthisalarmme)
I thought he was friendly and gave him my number.
I went out with family that same evening and forgotten my phone at home. When I checked on my phone, I had several voicemails - all sounding progressively angry and upset. I didn't respond, and got calls from him (also on different phone numbers) almost everyday for about 8 months+.

Conclusion

Because I'm an ass and scared for my safety, I've stop contacting all of the above-mentioned individuals and refer to them as my "creepers".
The bottom-line is I find that getting to know people is exhausting and downright scary sometimes. If you are doing any of the above that I have indicated - there is a reason why people are running away.

Desperation is off-putting and when you're sending your "interest" blank and cryptic texts - despite them telling you not to contact them - it is not cool...wish they'd stop already.

I figure, THE HELL WITH PEOPLE...I think I'm comfortable with just what I have now. I don't have much for online friends (less than I can count on one hand, and people come and go) but I figure it's better than encountering any more weirdos out there in the real world.
At least the internetz peeps can't killz me woot woot.

Love to chat with you more on this topic - if you're still around Luna,
Anton
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09-14-2012, 01:49 AM
Post: #15
RE: Why getting to know people scares the hell out of me...
Keep your distance. You don't have to establish a relationship with whomever it may be. Keep everyone at a distance.
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09-14-2012, 11:46 PM (This post was last modified: 09-15-2012 12:22 AM by Tealeaf.)
Post: #16
RE: Why getting to know people scares the hell out of me...
My own stalker backed off a few years ago after I got the law and some rather large friends of a friend involved, but it's still fresh in my mind how fast someone can turn from normal to crazy.

A few things I'd like to suggest:

1) If you're meeting people online, a few weeks (or more) of engaged chatting helps to weed out the worst of them. They often have trouble not being assbags for very long.

2) Friends can introduce you to more friends. If someone has a history of creeping around, blowing their fuse, whatever, most of them will slip up or get sloppy eventually and word will spread. Your friends may be in the know. Similarly, people who've proven themselves over time to be safe can be vouched for.

A word of caution, though: Know who among your friends is an efficient judge of character and who's not. I adore my guy friends, but some of them are way too forgiving of other men, especially if they see their own troubles in them.
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09-21-2012, 02:46 AM (This post was last modified: 09-21-2012 02:51 AM by Lena.)
Post: #17
RE: Why getting to know people scares the hell out of me...
" 3. Emotionally Needy and Controlling

The above-mentioned individual...every few days would be "How is our friendship coming along" "Are you mad at me?" "Do you want to be really good close friends? Really, really good friends with me?".
If I was quiet (sometimes I just don't feel talkative), he would take it as a slam and interpreted as something against him.

Another encounter: I was approached in a parking lot by some older fellow who had followed me all the way to the grocery store. (lololwhydidntthisalarmme)
I thought he was friendly and gave him my number.
I went out with family that same evening and forgotten my phone at home. When I checked on my phone, I had several voicemails - all sounding progressively angry and upset. I didn't respond, and got calls from him (also on different phone numbers) almost everyday for about 8 months+.


"

I found myself identifying with you on all others, but this one is highly offensive to me. It was offensive because you labeled the guy as emotionally needy just because he wanted to be really good friends with you and he was wondering if something went wrong. I find myself doing this a lot with people because a lot of people are phony and they will lie to you about how they feel to avoid confrontation. To me, people who react like this to situations appear extremely passive and detached from their emotions. People are offensive and that is my biggest fear about meeting and talking to folks. I'm so sensitive and emotional these types of answers are the reasons why I don't have friends. Most of society is detached like this and count feelings as being too "emotional" and too needy. In my opinion, it's not needy, you just wondering what's going on since one minute a person is talkative and the next they're not. I mean, it's like flipping a switch off and on.

I had a few stalkers in my life time. So, I don't agree or condone annoying bug-a-boo behavior. They are extremely controlling and constantly on your every move 24/7.

There is a difference between being emotionally needy and just having social anxieties over what the other person feels about you. I have social anxiety so I know how it is. You're always worried or wondering if the other person is mad or something since they're not doing what they normally do. It's only human nature to wonder.


But back to the original topic, what scares me most about people is that they're two-faced, dishonest, they can't tap deep enough into their emotions , and they abandon you when the first thing they say is I'll never leave you.
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