Hello Anxiety, My Old Friend

The title of the thread is a play upon the Simon and Garfunkel lyric, "Hello darkness, my old friend." This isn't about darkness as it is self sabotaging thoughts.

In about an hour after writing this, I will be expected at a smallish Thanksgiving dinner that starts at noon. (That's how we roll in America. Start eating at noon, a brisk walk at 3ish, pie at 4pm, and more pie, and then waddle my way back home. lol)

Anyway, here's how my mind works. I've known this group for maybe 8 or 9 years, but every time I see them, I have self doubts. My mind makes me feel like they aren't really interested in my presence, and would not miss me if I didn't show up. Which is crazy because people go out of their way to welcome me, but it's my self-sabotaging brain that cannot accept these nice comments as real.

So every year I go thru the same battle. Should I cancel? I never do, and at least one member of the group knows how I have struggled. The main problem is the anticipation of a social event. Sometimes, it's strong enough for me to beg off and avoid the event entirely. I've sought help in the past to rectify this, and while I am much less prone to canceling, I still have those thoughts, and it's simply a reality that I will be nervous beforehand and then fine once I show up.

Anyone else have the anticipation anxieties or pre-event nervousness that tempts you to avoid certain social contact? I'm curious. Be well, everyone.

So, it's about 8pm now here in So Cal. We had our Thanksgiving dinner, and it was everything I expect and more. Great people, funny people, kind people, and I didn't want to leave. Zero anxiety, also. It was just a goofy, sincere bunch of people who like to have fun, relax with family with no drama, and embrace life. And that's why they're my surrogate family. I couldn't ask for a better, kinder group of people to spend the holidays with.

Anyway, I'm still interested to see if anyone has the anticipation anxiety I mentioned above and what you do to combat it.

You should start working on your self-esteem...Try yoga or meditation...Remind yourself that your fears are irrational...You have to like yourself first for anyone else to like you...I understand you completely, but you should try to reset your mind, and start believing people.It would be try in the beginning but it will get easier as you continue...

Danny1987 said:

You should start working on your self-esteem...Try yoga or meditation...Remind yourself that your fears are irrational...You have to like yourself first for anyone else to like you...I understand you completely, but you should try to reset your mind, and start believing people.It would be try in the beginning but it will get easier as you continue...

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Welcome to the site, Danny. I see you've already had a chance to look around. That's good.

I appreciate your post, however, this isn't a self-esteem issue. If it was, I would not have been able to overcome the irrational thoughts. Instead, I would have accepted them as true and avoided any number of social events as a result. But that didn't happen.

Also, it's not enough to just start "believing people," as you say I should do. That's a bit like telling a depressed person to "just be happy." The brain doesn't really work that way. What I did was overcome the negative self-talk that happens to a lot of us. I believe I did rather well. But if you have reduced your own self-esteem issues the way you suggest, good for you. Maybe this will help someone else here.

Case said:

Anyone else have the anticipation anxieties or pre-event nervousness that tempts you to avoid certain social contact? I'm curious. Be well, everyone.

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I used to this this ALL the time before, I still do now but not as much. Now, I try to stop myself when I am starting to back up... I tell myself to just fresia it and go ahead that cancelling is not an option.

But I totally understand you. I could drive myself crazy just debating whether I should just cancel and be on my own because I anticipate feeling left out or not getting along well with others. Sorry you're going through it yourself, Case. :\ Hope it gets better for you.

ladyforsaken said:

I used to this this ALL the time before, I still do now but not as much. Now, I try to stop myself when I am starting to back up... I tell myself to just fresia it and go ahead that cancelling is not an option.

But I totally understand you. I could drive myself crazy just debating whether I should just cancel and be on my own because I anticipate feeling left out or not getting along well with others. Sorry you're going through it yourself, Case. :\ Hope it gets better for you.

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Thanks, LadyF. I'm actually fine. Thanksgiving was delightful, as I knew it would be. As I age, the anxieties are less and less obnoxious, but they'll still appear suddenly and I have to deal with them. Sometimes, I think of my anxieties as the character "Betelguese" in the Tim Burton movie. My anxiety is a crazy dude in my head who will tell me anything, lie to me even, all to stop me from doing something. I either have to find a way to tune it out or distract my brain so it's working on some other issue because the longer I am idle, the more the fears grow into something I cannot control.

I suppose I just wish these anxieties never appeared, but I know they will, so I try my best to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Case said:

I either have to find a way to tune it out or distract my brain so it's working on some other issue because the longer I am idle, the more the fears grow into something I cannot control.

I suppose I just wish these anxieties never appeared, but I know they will, so I try my best to feel the fear and do it anyway.

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Exactly. And yeah, I'd do my best to feel the fear and do it anyway as well. It seems to be the only thing that will work for me as I don't know any way else.

Good luck on this, Case!

All my socializing outside of work including on holidays is with the same circle of friends that I've had for the past decade or so. But even after all this time, I still feel like the odd person out sometimes. Yet everyone treats me like a member of their extended family. This despite the fact many of my friends are Latino and I'm often the tallest, blondest person at our gatherings!
But somehow I always leave feeling good and with a smile.
I think being introverted can cause me to get in my own way and I'm sure that happens with a lot of introverts. If I'm feeling anxious, I often forge ahead anyway. I would hate to let the anxiety win out; if that happened, I would really be a lonely hermit.

-Teresa

Case, I feel that way before every party or get-together, big or small (especially when there will be people I don't know). Extreme anxiousness, anticipating all the different ways I will be avoided or ignored, imagining myself standing in the corner alone while everyone else is having fun.

One thing I've started to do is give myself an out. I'll think, "Ok, I'm just going to stay for about half an hour, then I'll leave." This reduces my anxiety a lot because I know I can escape if I need to. Of course, more often than not, once I'm actually at the party it's fine and I want to stay past the deadline I set for myself. And if it's not going so well? I've already given myself an escape route. This strategy has gotten me to get up and go to a lot of things I would have otherwise avoided.