How NOT to Make Friends

Hi guys, thought I would share some of my experiences and "wisdom" regarding how NOT to make friends, lol. Too me some years to learn a better approach.

1. Too Serious - I am an introvert and I enjoy pondering the "deep meaning and questions of life". I like discussing things like "why do we exist", does God exist, why is there so much suffering in the world, why are we here and on and on. I can talk about philosophy, theology, for hours. And, it never really occurred to me when I was younger that there are a lot of people who actually do not lie awake at night thinking of these things! lol I mean, I guess I used to assume that others had similar thoughts. Part of my "awakening" was realizing that they don't. And, that I had to kind of temper this in starting new friendships. That I needed to keep it light and slowly build a friendship and see where it goes.

2. TMI - This is kind of the same thing in a different way. But, I used to think that sharing one's personal truths was a good way to connect with people. And, it is. But the timing has to be right. I tended to overshare too much of myself too early. I think that tends to scare people off. What you view as sharing your personal truth sometimes is interpreted as being too needy or negative or whatever.

3. Too fast - Take your time - I have found that in order to build friendships, I had to take it slow and begin with several positive, light interactions. If you feel a connection to someone whom you would like to be a friend, it helps to just let it develop over a few meetings. Like maybe you both have kids in the same sport or something. I have found that if you proceed to quickly, that seems to be too much for some people.

4. Too Much - It is important to give people space as well. I tend to prefer having much closer friendships with less friends. But, there are people who really might want to be friends but they don't want a BFF type friendship. I have learned that it is OK and enjoyable to have a "movies friend" or a "ski buddy" and that is the go to person for those activities but maybe I dont' really see them any other time.

Anyway, those are some of the things I have learned. If anyone has any other suggestions I would love to hear them.

You are actually right: this is true for most people I know. But that's annoying for me because I like to talk about meaningful stuff and am quite bad with "small talk".

Additionally either I like a person, or I don't, usually XD It's an instinctive feeling. So the ideal person to talk with, for me, is someone who speaks a lot, doesn't lie, likes to talk about meaningful stuff (like the things you mentioned) and most importantly (sounds stupid, I know) I need to instinctively feel like it'd be a good friendship.

I myself tend not to tell much about myself at first and slowly reveal things as the relationship progresses. However there have been cases (very few) where I revealed most of it right away.

I know by experience that most people don't like when you criticize them, even if you want to help them and actually say so. Additionally many people are too touchy about many topics and will refuse talking about them. This is actually a problem for me because I hate to lie... and would prefer to always tell the truth, in general. But many times I have to, because otherwise it'd be too complicated to talk with the other person... and that's tiring XD

Also in general people like positive people. I myself don't really care much though, as long as the person is interesting and doesn't ONLY complain.

Hmm I can't think of much else..
(EDIT: **** I wrote exactly what was going through my mind.. sorry for the messy writing, I hope it's understandable)

This is really good and well put. I find all 4 annoying, and I feel annoying when I act that way towards people.

I wish I could get only one BFF or SO, so that the other kinds of relationships won't suffer from my occasional needy feelings...

delledonne11 said:

1. Too Serious - I am an introvert and I enjoy pondering the "deep meaning and questions of life". I like discussing things like "why do we exist", does God exist, why is there so much suffering in the world, why are we here and on and on. I can talk about philosophy, theology, for hours. And, it never really occurred to me when I was younger that there are a lot of people who actually do not lie awake at night thinking of these things! lol I mean, I guess I used to assume that others had similar thoughts. Part of my "awakening" was realizing that they don't. And, that I had to kind of temper this in starting new friendships. That I needed to keep it light and slowly build a friendship and see where it goes.

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I have the same problem. People don't want to talk or even think about complex stuff. Reminds me when I talk to some coworkers about the holographic universe theory. They just said: "you're crazy"

I would love to discuss deep things for hours. However I started watching some popular TV shows to have more light things to chat about.

It really is difficult to say what's NOT and IS to do since every single person is different and there are many variables. But I get the gist an I think there are some key things like this.

So for the first one you put I think that it's not necessarily wrong, it just means that the person you're speaking to doesn't share the same interest or simply doesn't think that deep about those particular subjects. The best thing you could do is touch on a particular subject you're interested in and if the conversation goes deeper then great. I'm similar in the way I like to talk about things on a deeper level that I'm interested in, but at the same time I understand not everyone is that interested and wouldn't be so keen on listening to me bang on about it all, I lightly brush over subjects and you can always get a feel is someone shares the same interest and wants to discuss it further... Another thing to think about is some people may find the full on mega deep conversations intimidating, depending on the person it may be best to take the conversation slowly.

I think the TMI thing is true, if you're talking to a person and your spilling every detail about your feelings and life out you can come across as vulnerable, needy, and nieve. Personally I'm pretty closed - particularly to people I just met, it takes me a while to be able to talk about stuff like that... but I think I prefer this over a compulsion for the opposite.

Friendships work much better if it's kept casual and built up slowly, even if it does move too fast and everything seems to be going great it often ends up getting stale.

I think opening up is all about intuition and watching the signs with people. Some like to get serious fast. Others don't. The only thing I think is uncomfortable is when people keep piling on the heavy emotional stuff as I keep redirecting the conversation and not sharing in return.

If people don't seem responsive to personal or deeper topics, I don't push it. One person I talked to about politics pretty much right away. Another I talked to for a couple of months before he even mentioned he'd broken up with his long-term boyfriend, and then a few weeks after that we talked about life stuff in general.

Tealeaf said:

I think opening up is all about intuition and watching the signs with people. Some like to get serious fast. Others don't. The only thing I think is uncomfortable is when people keep piling on the heavy emotional stuff as I keep redirecting the conversation and not sharing in return.

If people don't seem responsive to personal or deeper topics, I don't push it. One person I talked to about politics pretty much right away. Another I talked to for a couple of months before he even mentioned he'd broken up with his long-term boyfriend, and then a few weeks after that we talked about life stuff in general.

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Yeah, I suppose some people struggle to read the signs or something. And the best this for opening up is time, if anyone is worth your time... time will always tell.

...if that makes sense lol.

I feel like I have stumbled into at least a few of these pitfalls at some point or another. Especially the first two - "too serious" and "too much information". I think these things are especially true especially when you are looking for someone to have a relationship with, also. I don't have a whole lot of trouble making friends, but when seeking potential girlfriends I know I've stepped into these bear-traps several times. I'm really frustrated because I had already gone through the experiences to know better, before the problems happened that I sometimes talk about.

I have a hard time with the first one, "too serious" because I don't really like making small talk. I like to talk about things like what makes a story good, what makes a neat character, what makes you want to replay a song ten times in a row. What books and movies and bands speak to your soul. How magical it was to be a kid and to use your imagination and how to re-ignite it today. I like to talk about the creative process or where good ideas come from. I like to talk about aliens and ghosts and dreams and history and things like that, or what kind of experiences would make the perfect bucket list - how to make good life stories. I like to talk about the things that are special to me and I am curious about the things that the other person also finds special. I like to brainstorm ways to build adventures, to build an interesting identity. I like to know people's feelings and inner thoughts. I don't think there is anything wrong with these topics themselves, but I have to be careful not to complain about my life when I talk about them. This leads to the second problem, "TMI".

Unfortunately, sometimes talking about deeper topics and the search for a more meaningful life also means I think and talk a lot about my worries, my regrets, and uncertainty about my abilities and the future. If I feel a connection with a girl, I have had a tendency to open up to them quickly - including both the good and the bad. Especially when they have opened up to me about their problems. I was accepting of this because I guess I don't think like most people and I saw more to like in them than to dislike. I was willing to try to help them with their problems, not to barter with them for sex but because I cared about them and genuinely wanted to cheer them up when they were down. To me that's what a relationship is - when you want to sleep with someone AND you also care about them, want to make them happy, and are willing to listen to them even when the conversations aren't always about fun topics. But it led me to make the mistake of letting down my guard and over-sharing about problems of my own. I thought it demonstrated trust and showing them that I was not afraid to be completely open and honest with them, acknowledging that I wasn't flawless but was willing to improve. I thought that demonstrated courage and self-awareness, but in fact, I had forgotten the cardinal rule that as a guy I am supposed to at least appear to know where I'm going, to appear to be in control at all times. I thought we were relating because I have had a lot of self-doubt all my life, but I have come to learn that this is pretty much girl repellent and therefore "too much information", and any self-doubts I have should be kept to myself. I now see that in over-sharing about my problems and worries, all I was doing was telling them all the reasons why they SHOULDN'T go out with me.

The fundamental truth that went over my head seems to be that most people in the early stages of a relationship just want to party, no matter how serious they come off. It's like that 80s song, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". I imagine most guys do as well. It might be okay to share problems after you have firmly established a romantic relationship, but it's been my experience that it is almost never a good idea to do this before, especially if you are a guy.

It's exactly like this here:

9006 said:

I think the TMI thing is true, if you're talking to a person and your spilling every detail about your feelings and life out you can come across as vulnerable, needy, and naive.
...
Friendships work much better if it's kept casual and built up slowly, even if it does move too fast and everything seems to be going great it often ends up getting stale.

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I have also had to hold myself back from making the other mistakes - "too fast" and "too much". When I've met some of those girls, I had to remember not to "like" or comment on too many of their posts on Facebook, not to post too much to their wall, or to not start conversations with them too often. This was hard because a lot of the things they said were things I was interested in or agreed with, and I was eager to show them how many overlapping interests and viewpoints we had. I was eager to show them how I honestly admired them and that we could be good together.

I am trying to be more careful now in not being over-eager or over-sharing my problems, doubts, and fears. It puts me in conflict with myself though - on the one hand, I feel like I should be able to be any way I want to. But on the other hand, I'd hate to ruin all my chances with girls I could otherwise have gotten along with great, if only I just gave them a little of what they wanted and played the game. I think the ones I've met are special enough to be worth that compromise.

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Another big mistake I have to add is this:

Don't forget to keep living your life on your own, to keep going for the things you wanted to do for yourself before you met this person that you are trying to connect with. I have gotten into that trap where I started to forget to live my life and just spent all day waiting to talk to a certain girl. Then when she did talk to me, I had nothing to show for myself because I wasn't reading anything, watching anything, doing any of my hobbies, going anywhere, and so on. You have to keep doing the things you normally do or the things that you'd like to do, so that you keep things fresh and have new things to talk about. Otherwise you eventually run out of ideas.

Also don't make yourself too available. This is another one I've experienced firsthand and is kind of an example of what I was talking about. There was this girl I really liked who would almost always start a conversation with me within seconds of me going online. This was great, but the problem was that since I had been sitting around all day waiting to talk to her instead of doing anything, I didn't have much to talk about, didn't have any new progress or new ideas to show for myself. I just followed her lead in all the conversations and rarely took the lead myself. I didn't see this as a problem, because I just liked talking to her, and it didn't matter what the topic was. I now see that this plus the complaining/over-sharing about my problems really sunk me. I really kick myself for this because I unknowingly took a good thing (her wanting to talk to me and initiating most of the conversations) and spoiled it by not doing anything to stay fresh, interesting, exciting, and passionate - things that I liked in her, myself. So if I knew I didn't have enough to say, I shouldn't have hung around online if I thought she'd talk to me, because if she did and I'd done nothing, I'd only make myself look worse. I should have given myself time to have more interesting things to discuss and also so that she wouldn't feel like my presence was too common, too cheap, like she could have it whenever she wanted it. It probably lowered my value in her eyes. Besides, if I wasn't talking to her every day because I actually was busy doing the things I told her I wanted to do with my life, it would have given her something to be interested in and given myself confidence that I really was interesting.

I guess I'd call this one Mistake #5: "Don't Forget to Live Your Life".

I've done all of those things, especially 1 and 2. Took me a long time to learn that it bothered other people.

I probably do all 4 of those, but if people don't like it: tough. It's a part of who I am and I don't plan on altering my personality in the hope that a prospective friendship will blossom. I doubt that any friendship started in this way would last, because it would be based on deception.

^ I feel the same way.

I am just making some general points based on what I have learned.

1. Don't bathe
2. Don't clean your room
3. Don't go outside

4. Be male, because a female doing the above would still be desired by some guys; we are the biggest horn dogs on the planet.

And if you suffer from Hostile Resting Face then that can be a problem too. Lol.

Haha, I've made these mistakes before. Good points! Especially the 4. is a great one... Don't be too clingy and needy. Even if the person is very interesting and a great friend to you, everyone needs space sometimes, it's natural.