A confused person

[Superman5694]

This is probably just a rant thread, but I don't really post personal things on the internet, so I thought why not. It's kind of long, so feel free to hit the back button.

So, I am a college grad in the real world right now, I have 2 jobs that I hate, but I don't really care. I am barely making ends meet and I get home late and essentially stare at my computer until I go to bed early to start the process over again.

I don't have fun any more. All my young life I have been content with just looking at a computer screen, never having friends, never wanting any. I always had a negative view on people, and that carries to this day. I feel like am radically different in the brain than anyone else. Not that I am smarter than anyone else, but that everyone's thinking process is so radically differently than mine.

I really want to try and go out and meet people, but I don't have the money to do so. I don't drink and I don't feel like wasting money driving all the way out to the city to some club just for the off chance that someone will speak to me. The gym is expensive. The people are obnoxious. I never have a good time.

I tried for a while to meet people online. But everyone I meet is just shallow and mean. I just end up moving on. I am not going to waste money or energy trying to meet people I can't actually physically meet in real life.

I really wish I was one of those mentally unstable people. The ones that could play Mario 64 for the rest of their life and be content. Never wanting anything, never wishing for something better.

I have gone to therapy before. The therapist called me "weird" (word verbatim), took my money, and shoved me out the door.

I have tried drugs for depression, they all either never worked, or only made me "hulk out" in terms of rage.

I am at the point in my life where if I am left static, I start wanting to hurt everything around me. This isn't healthy, but I don't know what to do. I am never happy, and I cannot escape my reality like the more lucky of our species can.

All my fellow co-workers call me cynical when I don't try to be. It's become a habit now. I just get so tired and depressed, it's really hard for me to put on a happy face and fake my way through social situations. At the end of the week I am physically and mentally exhausted.

The only thing that ever gives me joy is the pain of others, this shouldn't be the case. I have nobody to turn to, and am just alone, lost in my head wanting to break out and be free.

Some advice I have been given before:

"Grow up and welcome to the real world"
"Get over yourself"
"Stop it"
"Shut Up"
"Go talk to your friends about it"(lol)
"Go to the Gym"
"You're young. That means everything will be all right in time."

 

[condemnedsoul666]

This may not be taken seriously, but super mario 64 was a pretty **** good game, I actually would be surprisingly happy if thats all i had to do for the rest of my life, and i'm younger than you.

also, who gave you that advice its similar to a lot of the crap i've had to listen (out of politeness, one dat i'll just snap at one my relatives for giving me some)and what word did the therapist use?

and sorry again if you don't think i'm serious, this is just what i think when i see this the first time

 

[JamaisVu]

It sounds like you're stuck in a frustrating situation right now, the stress of working 2 jobs combined with social isolation is enough to wear anyone down. Are things likely to get better for you in the future, like better job prospects or the chance to move to a more lively area (you mentioned having to drive to a city just to go clubbing...)? I can relate to thinking differently from everyone else, it's definitely harder to find good friends when you're just not like most people.

 

[StoneDeadAlready]

well if you're not having much luck on traditional dating sites and the only thing that gives you joy really is the pain of others,there's certain BDSM "dating"(or hookup) sites that may interest you...

that was semi-serious but on a completely serious note what specific courses did you take in college?and what are the two jobs you have?and is there anything you particularly want and/or want to do?(like do you want to program video games,or be a mime,do you want a soulmate,do you want to move to the countryside/big city?)it might help people a little with the advice they'll inevitably give on here.(not that its a bad thing,just saying.)

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It sound retared but you want your life to change. So make changes in your life.

I ve gone through that phase of working 12/7 then coming home to a house full of stuff...So I went out partying all the time chasing women and what not.
I spent lots of money too.
For the most part i had fun but I never took none it too seriouse...

Theres a lack of balacne in your life..
All work and no play N love can make anyone not well adjusted.

Love and relationship is something I havnt totally figure ou even though I vn on the flip side of havnt dated plnty of women..Maybe I shouldnt take love too **** seriouse either...IDK

For better or for worst...I didnt miss it.
Thats all I can say about how I lived it

 

[moonlight07]

hi Superman

I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy and and feeling confused.

What are the things that you used to enjoy before you started doing these two jobs. What brought you joy as a kid (apart from other people's misery). I need you to think hard.

What things would you like different in your life? What do you want in life?

If you don't want to answer to these questions on the forum then send me a private message.

Cheers

Moon

 

[jjam]

Hey. I'm still reading your post, but I just had to comment on the gym being filled with obnoxious people. I recently got a membership and it has been such a great experience. I often hear stories of obnoxious people at gyms, but my experience hasn't been that. Is it because I wear earphones? I don't know. I've been there a few times without them. People actually look me in the face and greet (or greet back) me. People (non-staff) have helped me understand how I should be properly using equipment, even when I looked retarded in trying to figure it out.

---

This may not be taken seriously, but super mario 64 was a pretty **** good game, I actually would be surprisingly happy if thats all i had to do for the rest of my life, and i'm younger than you.

meh
Mario 64 < Galaxy 1, Galaxy 2, and pretty much every 2D Mario I've played (all of em)...
It certainly had major impact though.

 

[Superman5694]

I'll try and address different points in the conversation so far...

@condemnedsoul666

Super Mario 64 is a great game. No question. I just get bored of even the best games.

And the Therapist used the word "weird".

@JamaisVu

I don't know if things will get better. If I had prospects, sure. But right now I don't know.

@StoneDeadAlready

I never said anything about dating websites, so lol. I am not touching that any further.

I took website programming courses in college, currently I work at a job that I lift boxes, and another where I program websites for a couple dollars over minimum wage.

@Lonesome Crow

Fun stuff, but I can't afford that lifestyle. bills to pay, mouths to feed etc etc etc.

@moonlight07

The things that brought me joy as a child are the same things I've been doing. Mainly sitting in front of a computer.

Things I would want different in my life? I higher paycheck at the end of the week. Which I am trying hard to accomplish.

@jjam

Mario is awesome in almost any iteration, let's be honest here.

 

[JamaisVu]

@JamaisVu

I don't know if things will get better. If I had prospects, sure. But right now I don't know.

@StoneDeadAlready

I never said anything about dating websites, so lol. I am not touching that any further.

I took website programming courses in college, currently I work at a job that I lift boxes, and another where I program websites for a couple dollars over minimum wage.

If you're skilled at web programming, I'd recommend getting an up-to-date and well-rounded skill set and seeking steady employment in that field. Work for serious companies who can offer you a competitive salary, and by "serious" I mean sites with heavy traffic that require custom server-side programming. Even a junior programmer should make a decent salary. You'd likely have to move to an area with a high concentration of tech companies to find the best jobs, but that'd be something to look forward to since there'd be better opportunities for socializing. If you like sitting in front of a computer all day, you'd love it.

 

[Superman5694]

If you're skilled at web programming, I'd recommend getting an up-to-date and well-rounded skill set and seeking steady employment in that field. Work for serious companies who can offer you a competitive salary, and by "serious" I mean sites with heavy traffic that require custom server-side programming. Even a junior programmer should make a decent salary. You'd likely have to move to an area with a high concentration of tech companies to find the best jobs, but that'd be something to look forward to since there'd be better opportunities for socializing. If you like sitting in front of a computer all day, you'd love it.

I am continuing seeking work. This economy in the USA, at the least. Expectations of "Entry Level Programmers" are to have 12 years professional experience. The only people I personally know that can get a job, either know someone or know someone who knows someone. Which by now you should know I don't have.

 

[grainofrice24]

Hey dude,

As a fellow techie/programmer/computer science grad, let me say that you probably shouldn't be lifting boxes. I've done that myself, but that was when I was in school to make a few bucks or before I found a proper job. I know the economy is in the toilet right now and it's probably worse where you are than it is where I am (i'm Canadian ). But you gotta go where the jobs are. I commute 1.5-2 hours to and from work every day because that's where the work is. I got a competitive salary and the work is good too. Even though network support was not my favorite in school, that's what I do. So stay flexible and go where the work is. Every day you (as a computer sci grad) lift boxes instead of programming, is money you are LOSING.

As far as the advice you've received. It may be harsh, and hard to hear, but it should be taken to heart. Stop thinking about and dwelling on how shitty your situation is and start doing something about it. You are young so every chance you get to learn something will move you forward. And yeah...real life does suck a lot. As one of my all-time favorites Rodney Dangerfield said:

"Life ain't all moonlight and canoe's in Venice, that's in the movies! Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks...and a wife that doesn't"

 

[JamaisVu]

Expectations of "Entry Level Programmers" are to have 12 years professional experience. The only people I personally know that can get a job, either know someone or know someone who knows someone. Which by now you should know I don't have.

Well, no, not really. I live in the land of Google and Oracle and Twitter and 12 years of industry experience would be a senior position. Employers expect a degree and familiarity with the technologies you need to develop a website (main language, scripting language, database management, cloud service providers, etc.) If you've done the college coursework and written websites, you have a very good foundation to keep building your project portfolio and seek better employment. Networking is useful like in any career, but it's not everything.

 

[Superman5694]

I don't know where you live, but I wish I lived there. I have gotten over 30 job interviews the past few months. Not a single offer.

At first I think it's my interviewing skills. Nope. I even asked and a few said "lack of experience".

Really? Really? ENTRY LEVEL?!?! I have a freakin DEGREE, from a very expensive college. I have a portfolio. I can code circles around people. Nope. I just have to suck dick apparently.

Cripes. Maybe I just don't know what the heck I am doing.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
Have you considered relocating for a job? I might be worth looking into. Yeah, the economy is bad but there are still companies hiring and there are still people out there that are getting jobs. And college-educated people are far more likely to be employed even in a depressed economy (thank god for that )

Teresa

 

[JamaisVu]

I don't know where you live, but I wish I lived there. I have gotten over 30 job interviews the past few months. Not a single offer.

At first I think it's my interviewing skills. Nope. I even asked and a few said "lack of experience".

Really? Really? ENTRY LEVEL?!?! I have a freakin DEGREE, from a very expensive college. I have a portfolio. I can code circles around people. Nope. I just have to suck dick apparently.

Cripes. Maybe I just don't know what the heck I am doing.

Web development is one of those industries where location matters. Any large city will have some programming jobs, but California is where the action is at if you're seeking work in the web development industry. Silicon Valley has historically been an important region for computer technology and that hasn't changed throughout the years, this is still home to the venture capitalists and startups. Facebook, Netflix, Apple, Google, Twitter, Yelp, and a multitude of smaller dotcoms are located here in the SF Bay Area (except Amazon, they're in Seattle). Browse the job listings on Craigslist (also founded in SF, for what it's worth) and check out the prospects for software engineers to see if it'd suit your skills. There are ~ 40 listings from today. Many are seeking senior level candidates, but there are entry-level listings too and it can't hurt to submit a resume. Everything is online these days and now everything is on iOS and Android too, so there are a lot of opportunities for work. I know it's a big ordeal to relocate, but it's often necessary to follow the jobs and the cash. The salary should be well above minimum wage to compensate for the high cost of living. You're young and educated, it sounds like all you really lack in life is a reasonable income and social opportunities.

 

[Superman5694]

That sounds like good advice, I will be sure to take that under consideration in future job searches.

Relocation isn't a huge deal for me, as I don't have much to cling onto (or all that many items to move).

I know this isn't a job search site, but you seem knowledgeable in this area, I can't seem to imagine that a company would hire out of state. There are so many programmers in-state as-is. I can't relocate, THEN search for a job. What would make me stand out over other, closer-to-home candidates?

The more people talk about it, the more I am agreeing that it's my financial situation.

 

[JamaisVu]

Companies probably don't hire out-of-state candidates very often at the entry level without an in-person interview, but I'm not really sure. If you're on the East coast, check Boston for web development jobs too.

I'm not well-informed about the application review and interviewing process, my knowledge is secondhand. Nevertheless I'll try and give some suggestions: Interesting, successful, and non-trivial projects are important for demonstrating your abilities. Programming needs to come across as a strong personal interest since you'll be doing it all the time. It's useful to have a broad range of skills. I've heard it's sometimes difficult for companies to find programmers who are familiar with their particular set of web technologies, so a candidate that's a perfect match and otherwise looks solid is likely to be considered. Network online if you can.

 

[SeiToSai]

I really wish I was one of those mentally unstable people. The ones that could play Mario 64 for the rest of their life and be content. Never wanting anything, never wishing for something better.

God, I wish for this so terribly. I wish I could be so simple minded that I didn't know the life I lead now is so unsatisfying.

I am at the point in my life where if I am left static, I start wanting to hurt everything around me. This isn't healthy, but I don't know what to do. I am never happy, and I cannot escape my reality like the more lucky of our species can.

I also have moments like these, more frequently now, like back in middle school. They are satisfying during but then make me feel like their are my karma or something. It's a weird feeling. There are just days when I look at the world and think how lucky people are I don't have superpowers.