Anticipating negative reactions

[ardour]

Prior to starting conversations with strangers or new acquaintances I always imagine the worst reactions; their withering stare, listless, bored expression, or shock/unease (particularly with women.)

I imagine myself bombing; making stupid comments, jokes or attempts at irony that falls flat. All these embarrassing scenarios are run through in my minds eye before a word is said.

Of course it's self-fulfilling, affecting tone of voice, confidence and the whole social experience. It's such a deeply ingrained habit I have to force myself to think more positively, but it's hard, really hard to step out of this pattern of thinking.
How can you change a thought process after so many years of indifference, outright rejection, and unexpected snubs from those you thought you were on good terms with?

 

[Cassandra]

Prior to starting conversations with strangers or new acquaintances I always imagine the worst reactions; that withering, listless, bored expression, or shock/unease (particularly if it's women.) I imagine myself bombing, making stupid comments, jokes or intended irony that falls flat. All these embarrassing scenarios are gone through in my minds eye before opening my mouth.

Of course it's self-fulfilling, affecting tone of voice, confidence and the whole social experience. It's such a deeply ingrained habit I have to force myself to think more positively, but it's hard, really hard to step out of this pattern of thinking.

How can you change a thought process after so many years of indifference, outright rejection, and unexpected snubs from those you thought you were on good terms with?

I am familiar with what you are experiencing. I am sorry that I can't answer the question. :rolleyes2:[/b]

 

[Nicolelt]

Oh my gosh! Me Too!!!!

I really feel like nothing positive will come out of a conversation I have with someone older and more powerful (as in at work) than me.

When I talk to these people, I do one or both of these things. First, I get a pep talk from someone. Sometimes, these people have no idea they are giving me one. I typically will go to someone and say "Does this sound right?" and talk it out.

I also give myself a pep talk and take a deep breathe. Most of the time I ask myself, Can you possible die from this situation? no? then stop worrying!

I have been accused of being a little uncouth, I just blow it off now. Just chalk it up to another bonehead move and move on. I do have flashbacks to those situations, and think to myself how stupid I was, but then my ADHD sees something shiny, and I quick thinking about it.

 

[TooMuchAnxiety]

I go through similar feelings. Here are some things I try to do to help me:

1. Just ask questions. I think this came from the 40 year old virgin, but if you can ask the other person you're with questions, it takes the pressure off you. Most people like talking about themselves, so fire away!

2. Silence can be more awkward than saying something stupid, so don't be afraid to talk.

3. Positive self talk. I know it's tough because I go through a ton of self doubt and negative self talk. The negative talk just seems to be "natural" for me, so I make an effort to give myself pep talks. I tell myself that I'm the man, that I am funny, that people do find me interesting. It sounds cheesy, but it does help at times.

 

[Goblin]

I spent most of my life pressed and molded into a mode of socializing that wasn't for me and told to be socially appropriate, considerate of feelings, and participate in ritual or I'd deserve the shame and rejection I got. Funny, that totally reasonable-sounding approach to other people was what was making me sick and giving opinions so much power to change what I thought of myself in the first place.

The big secret of this line of thinking is that other people can be wrong, too, and there's no reason to reflect it on yourself except that everyone is shouting for you to do it.

The second secret is that you're entitled to be cruel, callous, manipulative, boring, self-centered, and judgmental or gentle, generous, and candid entirely at your own discretion - or to make jokes that don't please the entire crowd. You are paying nobody what you owe them, and you have the right to judge as much as you are judged instead of currying favor and shouldering blame wherever possible.

The culmination of these two secrets, and the biggest secret of all, is that rejection is a perfectly healthy thing to have happen. It means the sharp points of an individual human being haven't been filed and rounded down to make them the exact same, inoffensive shape as everyone else.

My anxiety stopped when I started doing the opposite of all the advice I ever received, because I was no longer bound to the cycle of performance and praise or punishment. People can still praise or punish me, but their power is limited because I'm not doing what I do for them and awaiting their judgement.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I do that too sometimes, but more than just conversations. It's stupid because most of the time it is just all in your head, and you really never know until you try. Not every reaction is going to be negative, and if you believe it will, like you said, will affect your outward attitude as well.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Prior to starting conversations with strangers or new acquaintances I always imagine the worst reactions; their withering stare, listless, bored expression, or shock/unease (particularly with women.)

I imagine myself bombing; making stupid comments, jokes or attempts at irony that falls flat. All these embarrassing scenarios are run through in my minds eye before a word is said.

Of course it's self-fulfilling, affecting tone of voice, confidence and the whole social experience. It's such a deeply ingrained habit I have to force myself to think more positively, but it's hard, really hard to step out of this pattern of thinking.
How can you change a thought process after so many years of indifference, outright rejection, and unexpected snubs from those you thought you were on good terms with?

The unexpected snubs - I think it's easy to over think such events. People have off days and are not always in the mood to chat. Try not to be over sensitive, that's the key. A thick skin is what you should aim for.

I always think if you expect the worst then anything other than that is a bonus. Think about the good experiences you have had. Even little chats with women or smiles.

 

[Outcast]

Everyone bombs on occasion so I wouldn't take it too seriously, and usually that one success makes up for it all.

 

[Grackle]

When i'm at work, I always get nervous around certain people because I'm sure anything I say will sound stupid and it usually does. Even saying the simplest things. Its because I get intimidated by them. So I think the pep talks that TooMuchAnxiety is talking about is actually a really helpful tip.

 

[SofiasMami]

Prior to starting conversations with strangers or new acquaintances I always imagine the worst reactions; their withering stare, listless, bored expression, or shock/unease (particularly with women.)

I imagine myself bombing; making stupid comments, jokes or attempts at irony that falls flat. All these embarrassing scenarios are run through in my minds eye before a word is said.

Of course it's self-fulfilling, affecting tone of voice, confidence and the whole social experience. It's such a deeply ingrained habit I have to force myself to think more positively, but it's hard, really hard to step out of this pattern of thinking.
How can you change a thought process after so many years of indifference, outright rejection, and unexpected snubs from those you thought you were on good terms with?

Well that's an interesting question. I think it may help to fake it till you make it.
Also, you learned at some point to expect bad outcomes when speaking to others; surely then you can learn to instead expect good outcomes?

-Teresa

 

[robinstoke]

I humor myself a little when I bomb. I think you can connect with anyone by showing some vulnerability. It dosent have to be so scary

 

[ardour]

I humor myself a little when I bomb. I think you can connect with anyone by showing some vulnerability. It dosent have to be so scary

It really depends on the person though, doesn't it. Some people, if they assess you as an idiot then it's pretty much over. But then dwelling on the negative, letting past experiences affect your outlook only makes it worse.

 

[Indifferent]

How can you change a thought process after so many years of indifference, outright rejection, and unexpected snubs from those you thought you were on good terms with?

Quite honestly, I just push through those insecurities now, but realistically I only have slightly better "positive experiences" with people because of it. All of my experiences are more genuine, unless I'm at work which is a case-by-case basis, but whether or not that's a good thing is debatable. Whenever I say or share anything with anyone on any terms I immediately expect their response in their head to be "Oh my god, I don't care!" Which is unfortunate because mostly, like you pointed out in your original post, that feeling is rooted in experience. When I analyze this process I always think about that saying "you're your own worst critic" which has helped smooth the edges for me a little bit. Moving forward from negative expectations is a day-by-day struggle and takes a large amount of effort. I'm going on almost two straight years of correcting those thoughts by using this "method." I feel with how I present myself outside of this insecurity that if the experience is negative the shared fault rests more in what the other person brought to the table. With some people I let the filter slide a little more and express something more true and everything works out, because like you said it depends on the person, and those experiences help me better gauge myself.

I spent most of my life pressed and molded into a mode of socializing that wasn't for me and told to be socially appropriate, considerate of feelings, and participate in ritual or I'd deserve the shame and rejection I got.

My anxiety stopped when I started doing the opposite of all the advice I ever received, because I was no longer bound to the cycle of performance and praise or punishment.

Good for you! That's a very big moment. I have a feeling that living by society standards is why my interactions with the majority of old people are always the worst of the worst, because it's pretty clear they lived that way their entire life, and they are very pissed off when I don't accept what they say to me. I treat everyone with a given amount of respect and don't have problems, because I'm courteous and respectful to them by simply acknowledging that they're people, and if listening has taught me anything it's that people typically experience similar things and can be at different points in their lives during any interaction. You don't know if someone just got divorced, or their parents died, or they lost their house, or are just having a bad day and all I ask on a bad day is that people aren't mean to me. The worst experience I ever had with societal social norms was when I had my heart broken and had to stop on my way home for gas. Some late-thirties dick with his wife was pumping gas next to me and I was leaning against my car watching the price trying not to cry. He sees me and jokes "Hey, kid, looks like you got dumped!" to which I replied "Yeah, thanks, my girlfriend just broke up with me." and without hesitating he said "Ah, fresia her, you can do better than that ***** anyway!" His wife was shocked, but she still married him, and I became very aware that everything he said to me was considered socially acceptable. Sexist, terrible, intrusive, all around not funny, but up to par. That's why I've heard similar things told to teens and passed down from my relatives or friends throughout my entire life. "Don't be so sensitive" or "I was joking so lighten up" isn't really an excuse to barge into someones life with a spoonful of honeysuckle unless you're an active stage comedian.

 

[robinstoke]

I humor myself a little when I bombinside I think you can connect with anyone by showing some vulnerability. It dosent have to be so scary

It really depends on the person though, doesn't it. Some people, if they assess you as an idiot then it's pretty much over. But then dwelling on the negative, letting past experiences affect your outlook only makes it worse.

Very true, a ton of people think im simply an idiot. Mainly people I've only met a handful of times. their really not the people who make me who I am Inside so I guess it dosent hurt so bad. The ones i really get to know hopefully think of me as a deeper moron or a complex dumbass

 

[Cucuboth]

Prior to starting conversations with strangers or new acquaintances I always imagine the worst reactions; their withering stare, listless, bored expression, or shock/unease (particularly with women.)

I imagine myself bombing; making stupid comments, jokes or attempts at irony that falls flat. All these embarrassing scenarios are run through in my minds eye before a word is said.

Of course it's self-fulfilling, affecting tone of voice, confidence and the whole social experience. It's such a deeply ingrained habit I have to force myself to think more positively, but it's hard, really hard to step out of this pattern of thinking.
How can you change a thought process after so many years of indifference, outright rejection, and unexpected snubs from those you thought you were on good terms with?

Well that's an interesting question. I think it may help to fake it till you make it.
Also, you learned at some point to expect bad outcomes when speaking to others; surely then you can learn to instead expect good outcomes?

-Teresa

I think that's a very interesting thing. When all we have is bad experiences, then we 'learn' to expect them to happen. So, in order to 'learn' to expect something good to happen, we have to have good experiences to teach us so.

But I don't think that 'faking it until you make it' is ever a very good idea. Maybe that comes from my own experiences at attempting that, and always ending up being called a fake and a liar because of it. People don't seem to like finding out that you're only pretending to be something, so, I never really understand why this advice is ever given.

The so called 'positive thinking' alone isn't always useful for everyone. I always tend to find that, when I get my hopes up about something, if I start telling myself that something is going to work out this time, or be a success, then it always goes to sh*t a lot quicker, and hurts a lot more when it does. 'Positive thinking' only seems to be useful when you have those positive experiences happening to reinforce them.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Often times I do this too so I know where you're coming from and I often beat myself up anytime I bomb a conversation. I end up thinking what I could have said differently but than I realize in the end that I wouldn't be myself & that I'd be being a totally different person. In the end I just end up learning from the experience and hoping that the next person will be more enjoyable to talk with.