el Jay
Well-known member
Earlier this year, I went to a psychologist and finally got a formal diagnosis that includes autism spectrum without accompanying mental disability. Also general depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. This is something both myself and my mom have suspected for years, since I was a kid even. But the trouble I'm posting about here IS my mom.
While she has believed I do have Asperger's (or some other high-functioning autism), she is extremely inept at actually helping and supporting me with it. Now, that's not to say she doesn't help and support me; she just bought me a small condo earlier this year and has been financially helping me for years. But she's absolutely clueless in how to help me with problems that arise from the autism. Or more specifically, problems that the diagnosis of autism gives a concrete cause and justification for, for which she'd previously just call me lazy, or "just like my dad," or some other typical attack.
She has that two-sidedness about her, where on one hand she fully believes I do have autism to some extent, even though it barely if at all impacts my intelligence (I've consistently scored 130+ on IQ tests throughout my life), but on the other, she adamantly believes the best way to "help" me be more "normal" is to basically force me through "normal" things, like a square peg into a round hole. And whatever stress, anxiety, and depression it causes me, well, the things she's forcing me to do are things "everyone" does, so I can't complain, and have to deal with it. Keeping in mind that my complaint isn't that I have to deal with things that other adults do, but in HOW she goes about it, and how she talks to me about it.
We have fights all the time about this. If I try and approach her about how she handles her "support" of me, she thinks I'm being lazy and trying to get her to just acquiesce and basically support me the rest of my life while I sit around doing nothing. There's no middle ground in her mind, partially because of my dad being a lazy narcissist (which she then reads into anything I do that is at all similar to him). So the end result is that I can't rely on her for support or as someone to talk to, because even when I get her to shut up long enough to explain to her exactly what I need from her (in terms of emotional support), she just goes back on the offensive about how she's doing what she has to to help me, and if I don't want that help, I'm being just like my dad, who never did either.
ANYWAYS, that turned into a longer rant on my mom than I intended. My point in this topic was to see if anyone knows of any good links on resources for helping adults who suffer from autism and related issues cope with life. After my mom's visit earlier this year, it became clear that it is impossible for me to continue to have a relationship with her without giving her some resources to better understand how and why I am how I am. For having a son with autism and depression and anxiety, she's practically the poster child for one of those infographics you'd see on Facebook titled "What NOT to say/do to a person with autism/depression/anxiety."
It's pissed me off for a while that despite interacting with me like this, her story to her friends and whatnot is still that her son has Asperger's and it's been difficult and all that. Not in an attention-whoring way, mind you, but it still feels to me like "well, it wouldn't have had to be THIS hard if you'd ******* better educate yourself about how to better help me." Add to that, she also practically fetishizes autistic people by absolutely loving The Big Bang Theory, always talking about how she can see the cast as "[me] and [my] friends if [we] lived together."
I just need some way of getting her to understand just why I am how I am, or else I'm going to end up having to cut her out of my life, despite how much financial support she's given me. But if she doesn't change and realize that the fights we've had aren't 100% my fault, then that's all she deserves.
While she has believed I do have Asperger's (or some other high-functioning autism), she is extremely inept at actually helping and supporting me with it. Now, that's not to say she doesn't help and support me; she just bought me a small condo earlier this year and has been financially helping me for years. But she's absolutely clueless in how to help me with problems that arise from the autism. Or more specifically, problems that the diagnosis of autism gives a concrete cause and justification for, for which she'd previously just call me lazy, or "just like my dad," or some other typical attack.
She has that two-sidedness about her, where on one hand she fully believes I do have autism to some extent, even though it barely if at all impacts my intelligence (I've consistently scored 130+ on IQ tests throughout my life), but on the other, she adamantly believes the best way to "help" me be more "normal" is to basically force me through "normal" things, like a square peg into a round hole. And whatever stress, anxiety, and depression it causes me, well, the things she's forcing me to do are things "everyone" does, so I can't complain, and have to deal with it. Keeping in mind that my complaint isn't that I have to deal with things that other adults do, but in HOW she goes about it, and how she talks to me about it.
We have fights all the time about this. If I try and approach her about how she handles her "support" of me, she thinks I'm being lazy and trying to get her to just acquiesce and basically support me the rest of my life while I sit around doing nothing. There's no middle ground in her mind, partially because of my dad being a lazy narcissist (which she then reads into anything I do that is at all similar to him). So the end result is that I can't rely on her for support or as someone to talk to, because even when I get her to shut up long enough to explain to her exactly what I need from her (in terms of emotional support), she just goes back on the offensive about how she's doing what she has to to help me, and if I don't want that help, I'm being just like my dad, who never did either.
ANYWAYS, that turned into a longer rant on my mom than I intended. My point in this topic was to see if anyone knows of any good links on resources for helping adults who suffer from autism and related issues cope with life. After my mom's visit earlier this year, it became clear that it is impossible for me to continue to have a relationship with her without giving her some resources to better understand how and why I am how I am. For having a son with autism and depression and anxiety, she's practically the poster child for one of those infographics you'd see on Facebook titled "What NOT to say/do to a person with autism/depression/anxiety."
It's pissed me off for a while that despite interacting with me like this, her story to her friends and whatnot is still that her son has Asperger's and it's been difficult and all that. Not in an attention-whoring way, mind you, but it still feels to me like "well, it wouldn't have had to be THIS hard if you'd ******* better educate yourself about how to better help me." Add to that, she also practically fetishizes autistic people by absolutely loving The Big Bang Theory, always talking about how she can see the cast as "[me] and [my] friends if [we] lived together."
I just need some way of getting her to understand just why I am how I am, or else I'm going to end up having to cut her out of my life, despite how much financial support she's given me. But if she doesn't change and realize that the fights we've had aren't 100% my fault, then that's all she deserves.