Warning VERY long post. I'm grateful such a forum exists and for the interaction with members. The site's title alone is a stark reminder of the choices I made that brought me here. I have a therapist but I often feel that I overwhelm her cause there's just so many things wrong with me. I have no social outlet and no friends. I'm scared about trying to make new friends as everyone I meet ends up using me. I guess I just want genuine attention and to belong but I constantly face rejection. I'm putting my past on blast publically. If anyone wants to talk, PM me.
· I was a twin born more than 3 months premature, due to birth problems and severe chronic allergies I am a mouth breather. Three surgeries, orthodontics, allergy medication and tooth removal didn't help. Allergy medication and slight abatement of my symptoms have only happened within the last 3 months.
· Mentally I have ADHD, dyscalculia and congenital brain atrophy so I have the memory of an elderly person, I have a high I.Q., I'm a news junkie and I love to learn but my memory skills negate all of that.
· I've had eczema my whole life leaving me with scars and uneven tone from head to toe.
· My father suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and either was off impregnating scores of women, ignoring my mum, brother and me or verbally abusing us. He in incapable of love and never wanted children even though at last count he has 14 children - only 2 with his wife, my mother.
· Whilst my mum was going to school and my dad had messed off, from the time I was born until I started school my mother left me with a nanny and I'd only come home on weekends. Whilst at the nanny's I would be left in a room all day and night alone with nothing to do, no toys, books, just a TV tuned to horse racing and God forbid you change the channel.
· Later I was dumped with 2 twin stepsisters for hours who couldn't stand me as there was ten years between us, but then they ran away.
· I have 1 younger brother whom I love to death who has autistic tendencies who I was primarily responsible for as we were left alone the majority of the time until he was put in a group home.
· I've been working since I was 13 and helping my parents out financially since then to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. My dad frittered it all away on his other women, his other children's education, their houses back home and bills, I was unaware where the money was really going for many, many years. I'm still helping my mother out financially even though it's to my detriment and neither parent is appreciative or grateful. Both parents only see me as a source of financial income and nothing else. We have never, ever been close because they just messed off on parenting.
· I am sure my mum has ADHD as well but she doesn't believe it exists.
· I've been to 5 different elementary schools in two different countries and we moved nine times by the time I was 17.
· I was bullied for years in elementary and then in high school by my best frenemy and other students
· I've also moved many, many times over the years either because of school, being flooded out twice, dangerous situations or people ripping me off. I'm incredibly stressed because in all likelihood I'll have to move for the third time this year which I don't wanna do.
· I've been a chronic workaholic my whole life, often working multiple jobs at once. I haven't travelled since I was 16 and although I love flying and meeting new people I never take vacations. When I am forced to take time of work I either end up doing OT or doing errands and then that's only for a few days at the most.
· I have gone to college 5 times and have a diploma and two certificates I paid for every cent myself
· I have an excellent job unrelated to my education but I feel compelled to work 80+ hours per week
· I've won awards and certificates at many jobs but I often feel I don't deserve them
· I grew up in a very sexualized environment filled with a lot of pornography and although I don't honestly think anything happened there were many visits with 2 different people/families who were members of the Family Cult (Children of God).
· I was molested by an elementary school teacher when I was 12 or so.
· My first sexual experience at 16 involved hitchhiking and fellatio with a much older man.
· I was gang raped by 2 men in my 20's when they busted the door of the room I was renting.
· I was raped again 3 years ago by an acquaintance. Both rapes were never reported.
· I did phone sex part time from home and at a call centre for three years.
· A few years later I became a prostitute and did that on and off for three years. One night a john beat me, forced me to perform oral, ripped me off and dumped me on a farm in the middle of nowhere at night with no way to get home and no money.
· I have posed nude twice for artists for sculptures
· My relationships with men outside of hooking have never been good as I always end up being used. I don't like intimacy at all although I crave it I just can't deal with it.
· I've been with someone on a FWB basis for 4.5 years. He is verbally abusive, treats me very poorly and is rough to the point of pain - which I hate. I love him very much but he doesn't and I keep coming back to him I wish I didn't.
· I have PCOS and a fibroid that haven't responded to treatment or surgery. As a result I cannot conceive, I'm heavy and suffer from all the other crap that goes along with it.
· I much prefer to do things for others and I'm not comfortable doing things for myself as I feel incredibly guilty. I'm getting better at treating myself well and buying myself nice things but the majority of the time the things never end up being used.
· I'm in debt right now and have made a significant impact in reducing it and hope to be debt free by year's end.
· Due to the ADHD I am impulsive and although I'm a great cook and have worked in many restaurants I buy almost every meal. When I do cook for myself my first thought is who can I give this to as I don't want to eat it, or I take a few bites and don't want anymore. However if it's something I've bought I'll overeat.
· I yearn to get married and have a family of my own whether it be through conceiving or adoption but due to my issues I have little faith in that ever happening
· I was a twin born more than 3 months premature, due to birth problems and severe chronic allergies I am a mouth breather. Three surgeries, orthodontics, allergy medication and tooth removal didn't help. Allergy medication and slight abatement of my symptoms have only happened within the last 3 months.
· Mentally I have ADHD, dyscalculia and congenital brain atrophy so I have the memory of an elderly person, I have a high I.Q., I'm a news junkie and I love to learn but my memory skills negate all of that.
· I've had eczema my whole life leaving me with scars and uneven tone from head to toe.
· My father suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and either was off impregnating scores of women, ignoring my mum, brother and me or verbally abusing us. He in incapable of love and never wanted children even though at last count he has 14 children - only 2 with his wife, my mother.
· Whilst my mum was going to school and my dad had messed off, from the time I was born until I started school my mother left me with a nanny and I'd only come home on weekends. Whilst at the nanny's I would be left in a room all day and night alone with nothing to do, no toys, books, just a TV tuned to horse racing and God forbid you change the channel.
· Later I was dumped with 2 twin stepsisters for hours who couldn't stand me as there was ten years between us, but then they ran away.
· I have 1 younger brother whom I love to death who has autistic tendencies who I was primarily responsible for as we were left alone the majority of the time until he was put in a group home.
· I've been working since I was 13 and helping my parents out financially since then to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. My dad frittered it all away on his other women, his other children's education, their houses back home and bills, I was unaware where the money was really going for many, many years. I'm still helping my mother out financially even though it's to my detriment and neither parent is appreciative or grateful. Both parents only see me as a source of financial income and nothing else. We have never, ever been close because they just messed off on parenting.
· I am sure my mum has ADHD as well but she doesn't believe it exists.
· I've been to 5 different elementary schools in two different countries and we moved nine times by the time I was 17.
· I was bullied for years in elementary and then in high school by my best frenemy and other students
· I've also moved many, many times over the years either because of school, being flooded out twice, dangerous situations or people ripping me off. I'm incredibly stressed because in all likelihood I'll have to move for the third time this year which I don't wanna do.
· I've been a chronic workaholic my whole life, often working multiple jobs at once. I haven't travelled since I was 16 and although I love flying and meeting new people I never take vacations. When I am forced to take time of work I either end up doing OT or doing errands and then that's only for a few days at the most.
· I have gone to college 5 times and have a diploma and two certificates I paid for every cent myself
· I have an excellent job unrelated to my education but I feel compelled to work 80+ hours per week
· I've won awards and certificates at many jobs but I often feel I don't deserve them
· I grew up in a very sexualized environment filled with a lot of pornography and although I don't honestly think anything happened there were many visits with 2 different people/families who were members of the Family Cult (Children of God).
· I was molested by an elementary school teacher when I was 12 or so.
· My first sexual experience at 16 involved hitchhiking and fellatio with a much older man.
· I was gang raped by 2 men in my 20's when they busted the door of the room I was renting.
· I was raped again 3 years ago by an acquaintance. Both rapes were never reported.
· I did phone sex part time from home and at a call centre for three years.
· A few years later I became a prostitute and did that on and off for three years. One night a john beat me, forced me to perform oral, ripped me off and dumped me on a farm in the middle of nowhere at night with no way to get home and no money.
· I have posed nude twice for artists for sculptures
· My relationships with men outside of hooking have never been good as I always end up being used. I don't like intimacy at all although I crave it I just can't deal with it.
· I've been with someone on a FWB basis for 4.5 years. He is verbally abusive, treats me very poorly and is rough to the point of pain - which I hate. I love him very much but he doesn't and I keep coming back to him I wish I didn't.
· I have PCOS and a fibroid that haven't responded to treatment or surgery. As a result I cannot conceive, I'm heavy and suffer from all the other crap that goes along with it.
· I much prefer to do things for others and I'm not comfortable doing things for myself as I feel incredibly guilty. I'm getting better at treating myself well and buying myself nice things but the majority of the time the things never end up being used.
· I'm in debt right now and have made a significant impact in reducing it and hope to be debt free by year's end.
· Due to the ADHD I am impulsive and although I'm a great cook and have worked in many restaurants I buy almost every meal. When I do cook for myself my first thought is who can I give this to as I don't want to eat it, or I take a few bites and don't want anymore. However if it's something I've bought I'll overeat.
· I yearn to get married and have a family of my own whether it be through conceiving or adoption but due to my issues I have little faith in that ever happening