Are you shy to invite woman to dinner? My 101 for first date.

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

ToddShark

Active member
Joined
Sep 25, 2015
Messages
29
Reaction score
0
Disclaimer: Advice provided bellow is based on my own experience.
I have been overcome more than 20 years or low/zero self-confidence, lack of ability to talk with women and s.o.
What I'm describing is a my way how to escape this cage. It doesn't mean it will work for everybody.
But consider it as one possible way. Without hate.
If it helps to at least one man it will be success.

All my advice are intended for men. Men with low self-esteem,
men with problem to communicate with women.
Men with high self-confidence or women are not target audience.
They will - probably - not understand them.​


You know the situation. First date! How to impress her?

You know how. You will book some good restaurant for dinner.
You see it like it already happened. You will spend nice time by chatting over quality food and good wine.
Then you will walk together towards her home under summer sky.

In front of the doors to her house you will wish her nice dreams,
will kiss her gently and will go to home.

Full of endorphin you will send text message inviting her to the cinema
on Friday. You have created good impression. She will accept it.

OK, back to reality. Restaurant booked, everything prepared.

And now... arrow directly to your heart.

The text message just hour before dinner. She cannot come.
Her cat is puking over the whole flat. Or she has to prepare for exam.
Or she is really cold. Or...

You call her back. She doesn't pick up phone.
You write text message. Then another one. In next hour another five ones...

It happened to me years and years. Do you know this scenario?
If yes, continue.

[Sometimes I will explain you how to react when it happens.]

But now I want to show you how to prevent such situation at all.
(OK - be realistic - decrease probability.)

Your idea about this dinner is described above. But do you think
woman will see it the same way? Perhaps. But often she sees it different way:
  • I have to spend two or three hours with somebody I don't know. What
    if he will be boring? Stupid? Pervert?
  • He will want to escort me to home. What if he will want to invite himself
    to my flat?
  • What if he will want to have a sex? It's luxury dinner. Surely he will want to have sex.


...and then you will get text message hour before dinner. She will not call you. Just message.
(To lie over phone is much more difficult than over text message.)

Yes. You know her fears are pointless. But she doesn't know about it.

How to help her to accept your first date?

1. Plan it short.
Invite her for date with some time constrain.
Something like: "I have half hour of free time before bowling party with my friends. What about some coffee?"
This offer allows her spent just half hour if you will be boring to death.
(This is also rescue circle for you if she will be boring to death.)

What if both of you will found out you like each other and want to spend the whole evening by chatting about life, the Universe and everything?
No problem. You will not just leave after half hour.

If she is smart enough she will not ask.
When she ask, tell her that you like to chat with her more than play bowling (if you lied and no bowling is planned).

Or - if you are brave enough - tell her you lied and why.

If your friends are really waiting for you - cancel the bowling or...
...just invite her to bowling too.

2. Never plan something expensive/luxury on the first date.
You want to impress by your personality not by your money.
Buy her coffee. Or best hamburger from stand on the beach.

You - as gentleman - should pay for it. But "high bill" often looks like "pre-paid sex voucher".
To pay for coffee or burger is fine and will not create tension.

Invite her to place you visit often. Like coffee bar next your office.
Familiar environment allows you to be more relaxed.
"It's just small talk over coffee. It's not serious date. I don't need to worry."

Leave three hour long luxury dinner for third date... :)

I would really appreciate if you send me comment with most weird cancelling text message you got from woman. Thanks.
 
And this is coming from someone who enjoys telling women what is wrong with them.

By the way, that's my disclaimer.
 
BeyondShy said:
And this is coming from someone who enjoys telling women what is wrong with them.

By the way, that's my disclaimer.

I don't see how he is telling a woman what is wrong with her???? There is a lot of truth to this post. When I was online dating, I bailed on guys that plan this big romantic date at the first meeting. It was too much and I got cold feet. The nice talks at a pizza place for an hour were the good first dates.

I've made up things to avoid going out with guys.
 
Nicolelt said:
I don't see how he is telling a woman what is wrong with her???? There is a lot of truth to this post. When I was online dating, I bailed on guys that plan this big romantic date at the first meeting. It was too much and I got cold feet. The nice talks at a pizza place for an hour were the good first dates.

I've made up things to avoid going out with guys.

You're right Nicole he did not say this in this thread. But he did in another.
 
Nicolelt said:
I've made up things to avoid going out with guys.

Just wondering... did you make things up to avoid going out, or to cancel after saying "yes" to going out? What compels a person to say "yes" but then change their mind later? Do they say yes because they aren't comfortable turning a person down face-to-face, so they defer it to a safer time when they can txt msg?

BTW, ToddShark, I'm not quite seeing how your post relates to shyness. Seems more like "how to prevent date from being canceled".
 
WhatDidYouDoNick said:
Nicolelt said:
I've made up things to avoid going out with guys.

Just wondering... did you make things up to avoid going out, or to cancel after saying "yes" to going out? What compels a person to say "yes" but then change their mind later? Do they say yes because they aren't comfortable turning a person down face-to-face, so they defer it to a safer time when they can txt msg?

I've done this before too, but well not with guys but with my friends. I figure it could be similar. For me it's usually a case of spontaneous acceptance at the point of invitation because I think it might be fun to go out with them but then as time passes, my anxiety being around certain groups of people as well as my loner tendencies start brewing and it makes me think it's not such a good idea after all. So I end up canceling or making up excuses. That was before though. Now if I don't feel like going out even after saying yes, I'd say it upfront that I've changed my mind. Then again now, I tend to say "Let me get back to you about it." when asked out by friends and think through it first.
 
Seems to be not the right article to thread about shyness or low-esteem.

Just look it from different angle.

How self-confident man invite woman to the first date? Without any hesitation, without shaking voice.
He usually attracts the woman since beginning and she is looking forward for this date.
She text is immediately to all her friends, update status on facebook or s.o.
(OK, there is option he is not attracting her and she refuses the date. You know. A lot of self-confident men are jerks.)

When man with low/zero self-confidence invites woman to the first date the action of inviting is very stressful for him.
He doesn't know what to tell, his voice is shaking,...
Often the first impression is not good.

If woman accept the date it's usually because "he is such nice guy and she doesn't want to be impolite".

Later on she start to think. Uh, do I know him?
I know he is colleague but I never seen him among some buddies in coffee-room.
What I really know about him? Nothing. Do I really want to date him?

...and send text message...

And another look from another angle.

To invite woman for short coffee or (as mentioned above) pizza is much more simple for man with low self-esteem. it's not BIG ACTION with a lot of planning. Just coffee, nothing more.
If it's in well-known place for him it's even easier.

It helps to behave more confidently and show the personality.
 
WhatDidYouDoNick said:
Nicolelt said:
I've made up things to avoid going out with guys.

Just wondering... did you make things up to avoid going out, or to cancel after saying "yes" to going out? What compels a person to say "yes" but then change their mind later? Do they say yes because they aren't comfortable turning a person down face-to-face, so they defer it to a safer time when they can txt msg?

BTW, ToddShark, I'm not quite seeing how your post relates to shyness. Seems more like "how to prevent date from being canceled".

Most the time the situation was like

Him: "Hey, how bout we hang out sometime"
And me thinking it was just a casual hang out, I would say yes after talking to someone online for a bit.

But then what I felt like should be a casual meeting gets planned out to be a real extravagant date, and I get cold feet and make up an excuse. I rather just go get coffee or pizza, I get scare of the official date stuff.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top