chasingowls
Member
I have kind of a weird problem, that's taken over my life. Even though I know it's stupid and irrational.
I spend almost all my free time online trying to talk to people or watching tv/youtube/etc. to numb feelings of loneliness. I'm aware the solution would likely have to come from irl. Joining a club, volunteering, asking a coworker out, etc. The place I live is very small, so I just want to make it clear that's not an option right now. Moving is also not an immediate option. And I have also tried therapy.
I'm basically killing myself in slow motion. Even though I'm working, I'm destroying any chance I have of being anything other than a husk. And I know this. I know it would make more sense to use all that time on hobbies. The rewards from doing anything other than numbing myself or trying to find people to talk to do not motivate me. Not one bit. Even though I know that the cost of the way I'm spending my time is going to get worse, and worse, and worse the older I get.
I know "it's too late" is a warped way of seeing things that doesn't make sense. It's just that not having anywhere I can go to meet new people, not having anyone I can invest my time in (as you do with friends or acquaintances) makes me feel like I'm trapped underground with no way out. Loneliness is the central problem in my life, and I can't fix it. I feel like I can't do anything, in my own life. It feels like I'm out of control, and all I can do is escape or numb those negative feelings, which I never get any relief from unless I'm in that weird half-awake state of staying up until 2am while watching your 2nd hour of mindless youtube. And I don't understand why it feels like, if I'm not interacting with people, everything I do alone is pointless (even though I know I have to, again because if I do NOTHING, I'll be even worse off in the future). I thought about making drawing my 'thing'-- using absolutely every second of my spare time on that. Because then I'd have tangible progress in at least one thing in my life. But I swear to god, every single time I try anything (that isn't just numbing my feelings) I talk myself out of it and convince myself this is a stupid waste of time, I'm stupid for trying, and etc.
I wanted to use online games as a way to socialize in the mean time (while I'm stuck in this location) but here's a surprise, I've avoided it because I can't deal with people. Even though I want to socialize. Even though I'm expecting a lot of bs rude behaviour-- it's not like I can't handle myself-- I still find a way to convince myself I don't belong. Anywhere.
I spend almost all my free time online trying to talk to people or watching tv/youtube/etc. to numb feelings of loneliness. I'm aware the solution would likely have to come from irl. Joining a club, volunteering, asking a coworker out, etc. The place I live is very small, so I just want to make it clear that's not an option right now. Moving is also not an immediate option. And I have also tried therapy.
I'm basically killing myself in slow motion. Even though I'm working, I'm destroying any chance I have of being anything other than a husk. And I know this. I know it would make more sense to use all that time on hobbies. The rewards from doing anything other than numbing myself or trying to find people to talk to do not motivate me. Not one bit. Even though I know that the cost of the way I'm spending my time is going to get worse, and worse, and worse the older I get.
I know "it's too late" is a warped way of seeing things that doesn't make sense. It's just that not having anywhere I can go to meet new people, not having anyone I can invest my time in (as you do with friends or acquaintances) makes me feel like I'm trapped underground with no way out. Loneliness is the central problem in my life, and I can't fix it. I feel like I can't do anything, in my own life. It feels like I'm out of control, and all I can do is escape or numb those negative feelings, which I never get any relief from unless I'm in that weird half-awake state of staying up until 2am while watching your 2nd hour of mindless youtube. And I don't understand why it feels like, if I'm not interacting with people, everything I do alone is pointless (even though I know I have to, again because if I do NOTHING, I'll be even worse off in the future). I thought about making drawing my 'thing'-- using absolutely every second of my spare time on that. Because then I'd have tangible progress in at least one thing in my life. But I swear to god, every single time I try anything (that isn't just numbing my feelings) I talk myself out of it and convince myself this is a stupid waste of time, I'm stupid for trying, and etc.
I wanted to use online games as a way to socialize in the mean time (while I'm stuck in this location) but here's a surprise, I've avoided it because I can't deal with people. Even though I want to socialize. Even though I'm expecting a lot of bs rude behaviour-- it's not like I can't handle myself-- I still find a way to convince myself I don't belong. Anywhere.