Macaroniac
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- Jun 17, 2017
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This is my first post on any sort of forum, not sure if this is right or not.
I never thought I suffered from depression before, I always though I just felt depressed, if you get my difference. Its only recently that I've looked back and realised I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time. For a while, I kept imagining things couldn't get much worse if they were this bad, but then they did. There are a lot of things that cause it, and I suppose I could deal with it to an extent, if it weren't for the fact one major cause is my family.
Just typing that makes me feel guilty, but at the same time I know it is the truth. My family is very much the 'behind closed doors' kind of family. No one is supposed to see our dirty laundry. But as time goes on I feel myself getting worse and worse, and bottling up the truth is hurting too much.
A couple months ago I told my sister how I felt, only to be rebuffed. She told me she didn't believe I was depressed, and that I was the 'one with issues' in the family. I cried in front of her and she said nothing, which sort of started my downward spiral. I would tell my mother how I felt, that I was crying every night and losing the will to do a lot of things, but her reply would always be that she had it worse. This happened about 10 times before I told her to stop replying with that. In response, she used therapy as a threat and said a lot that I think she would regret, if only she remembered - it wasn't a big deal for her. And when I tell my father how I feel, he tried to be diplomatic - which really means disagreeing with me and defending others even when it isn't fair.
About a month later I couldn't find the will to get out of bed, to eat or drink anything. My family got annoyed and didn't understand where it came from. My oldest sister listened to me, and I thought she understood. That was, until she then forgot and returned to treating me like her childish sister, even though its been 10 years since she last lived with me.
It's now that I feel I'm at a loss for what to do. Its always been easy to hide but I am in pain every day now. I know I would never consider ending it all, but I also know exactly how and where I would do it, and what frightens me the most is how nice is sounds. I've began to feel there is something wrong with me; I get so filled with intense emotions and hurt that I have started to take it out on myself physically, and I know if someone saw me they would think I have 'a problem.' I also lost a lot of friends to their relationships, while I am recently single, and I have never felt more alone.
At this point, I am totally lost in my life, and its hard to imagine a nicer future. The only thing that encourages me to keep going is that one day I can travel out of the country and away from here.
I never thought I suffered from depression before, I always though I just felt depressed, if you get my difference. Its only recently that I've looked back and realised I haven't been genuinely happy in a long time. For a while, I kept imagining things couldn't get much worse if they were this bad, but then they did. There are a lot of things that cause it, and I suppose I could deal with it to an extent, if it weren't for the fact one major cause is my family.
Just typing that makes me feel guilty, but at the same time I know it is the truth. My family is very much the 'behind closed doors' kind of family. No one is supposed to see our dirty laundry. But as time goes on I feel myself getting worse and worse, and bottling up the truth is hurting too much.
A couple months ago I told my sister how I felt, only to be rebuffed. She told me she didn't believe I was depressed, and that I was the 'one with issues' in the family. I cried in front of her and she said nothing, which sort of started my downward spiral. I would tell my mother how I felt, that I was crying every night and losing the will to do a lot of things, but her reply would always be that she had it worse. This happened about 10 times before I told her to stop replying with that. In response, she used therapy as a threat and said a lot that I think she would regret, if only she remembered - it wasn't a big deal for her. And when I tell my father how I feel, he tried to be diplomatic - which really means disagreeing with me and defending others even when it isn't fair.
About a month later I couldn't find the will to get out of bed, to eat or drink anything. My family got annoyed and didn't understand where it came from. My oldest sister listened to me, and I thought she understood. That was, until she then forgot and returned to treating me like her childish sister, even though its been 10 years since she last lived with me.
It's now that I feel I'm at a loss for what to do. Its always been easy to hide but I am in pain every day now. I know I would never consider ending it all, but I also know exactly how and where I would do it, and what frightens me the most is how nice is sounds. I've began to feel there is something wrong with me; I get so filled with intense emotions and hurt that I have started to take it out on myself physically, and I know if someone saw me they would think I have 'a problem.' I also lost a lot of friends to their relationships, while I am recently single, and I have never felt more alone.
At this point, I am totally lost in my life, and its hard to imagine a nicer future. The only thing that encourages me to keep going is that one day I can travel out of the country and away from here.