Caring either too much or too little

[Xelha]

Sometimes I'll get really attached to friends I've made, and then when communication starts to go downhill, it really gets me down. I often feel like people get sick of talking to me after awhile, or like they're ignoring or avoiding me. I know at least some of them have stopped caring altogether. The problem is that I still care, and so when they don't talk to me for months at a time, or avoid me, it really gets to me. I still wonder how they are and what they've been up to... whereas I no longer really mean anything to them.

And then now, I think that I'll sometimes try to protect myself from getting so emotionally attached, and I'm suddenly unable to form proper friendships. I guess what I need is to figure out how to let go of certain emotional attachments, while still being able to form new ones. :/

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It's actaully more simple than you think to obtain it.
It just takes a little practice and awareness.

You already intuitively know how to this. You did and still do it in other aspects of your life.

Let go....or simply drop it.
I belive at some level you know you're not your emotions or your thoughts.
You have thoughts and emotions. Once you are aware of this...it get easier to not react/over react to your emotions.

Our thoughts also drives our emotions. You can become more aware of this if you allow yourself to observe yourself.
Do a simple excersize of your mind. Retrive a thought from your brain/mind...
The eaiest ones for this excersize are turamatic, painful, or very sad memories that you have.
Observe...your thoughts..then observe the emotions the comes after the thoughts.
Obverse your breathing, your feeling while holding this thought.
Observe now you might react to your feelings...
This technique is call diving righting to the pain or bursting the bubble....

Simply allow yourself to let go...don't fight it , don't resist it, don't figure it out.
Evnetaully you'll go right through it and into peace or an ocean of love.

Some people use meditation...
Simply sit still and focus on an object in front of you.
Observe the endless parades of thought...just oberseve it. Don't aynalize it, don't figure it out.
Just let all of the thoughts go through as if your watching a parade...
Eventaully your mind will come to a still...
For a brift moment...you'll notice a state of total blizt or grace
The more you practice doing this...the longer you'll be able to obtain and stay in that state of being.

Then it just a matter of practicing that while you're inneracting with your friends or wondering about them.

Or you cam simple do this simple excersize...
Pick up an object...(keys or whatever).
Roll it around in your hand...feeling the object. Look at it.
Then squeeze it...harder as hard as you can. (notice the tensions in your body when you're holding on to this object)
Now simply drop the object on the floor (release/let go)..notice there's tension in your body.
This happens with our emotions...the same principle applies.
By doing this excersize...you're simply training yourself . You can physically see it.
You know it's as simple as just droping it.
You just make a decision to drop your emotions.

I hope that helps.
It helped me. It was so simple it blew my mind.

I bascailly live my days like this, now. I'm peaceful, easy going, I make new friends. i don't trip too hard if some poeple don't call me all the time.
Siumpy becuase being a state of peace...I'm more approachable and in a friendly state of being.
Yy focus is better. I perform better at work or whatever else I want to do or need to do becuase I'm in a peaceful state. I'm not wasting my energy worrying
or reliving pains. It's call being and living life in the moment...not in my head.

I already intuitively knew how to do this..without going through the mechanics of how my mind works. mmmm..but i had to get to know myself (know thyself).lol
When play my guitar and improvise....I'm in a state of grace...but the thing about it is...sometimes i play very fast.
I don't think too much or analize it. i just let the music flow through me or come through me.
See...if i think while I'm improvising...it's too fucken late. I'll miss a beat or lose rythem..Then I'll freaken try to figure it out.
Which fucks me up even more or lose rythem and play more freaken sour notes

You also intuitutively know how to do this..whatever your thing is in life that you enjoy and love doing.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I think that I have a similar problem. I tend to get really attached to people who want to spend time with me. Well who are willing to spend time with me... especially females.

While this is crappy advice, you could try believing that the people are not interested in you at first. You know just except they are being nice to you... it kind of works for me... just a thought. Just play it as a game of politeness. Until you have fully grabbed their emotions.

Or find people who are looking for That kind of attention. Some people want it, find someone to focus on.

 

[coricopat]

I don't really have any useful advice, just wanted to say that I understand what you mean.

This is a big problem for me. Most of my friends completely dropped me when I got sick. That hurt. A lot. Gave me major trust issues that I'm still working through.

 

[Sway]

I don't know, sometimes when I notice that i'm getting too talkative, or lame to my friends, I'll go through a phase where I talk less, only talk when need to. This way I don't over load them, then when i calm down i'll go talk to them normally... for a while, then i rinse and repeat but it works.

Then there are times when you get positive reinforcement from you friends, and that just proves to you that your over thinking the whole animosity situation . After i went quiet one or two of my friends told me how much they missed my company, which came as quite a shock to me; cuz i totaly self-convinced that they hated my company lol.

So I wouldn't give up on making friends all together, just polish your methods to cope with your habits, and it should be alright, those random positive feedbacks are really great confidence boosters to keep building for .

 

[duality]

Sometimes I'll get really attached to friends I've made, and then when communication starts to go downhill, it really gets me down. I often feel like people get sick of talking to me after awhile, or like they're ignoring or avoiding me. I know at least some of them have stopped caring altogether. The problem is that I still care, and so when they don't talk to me for months at a time, or avoid me, it really gets to me. I still wonder how they are and what they've been up to... whereas I no longer really mean anything to them.

And then now, I think that I'll sometimes try to protect myself from getting so emotionally attached, and I'm suddenly unable to form proper friendships. I guess what I need is to figure out how to let go of certain emotional attachments, while still being able to form new ones. :/

I feel you on this one! I just learned, or rather still learning, how to deal with this by not thinking about it too much. If my friends talk to me and wants to know how I am, that's great. But if they ignore, then that's just fine too. Sometimes, I think that maybe I should be the one who start to ask how my friends are. If nobody starts doing that, then everyone will think they're being ignored by everyone else, don't you agree?

 

[AndrewM]

I think Duality makes a good point. You can't expect your friends to make the effort to get in touch with you, if you never make an effort to get in touch with them. I'm not saying that's true in your case, but it's easy to forget this when you're feeling down. Another thing to keep in mind is that being a good friend means not making too many demands on other people's time.

It's also worth thinking about whether you're befriending the right kind of person. I've made so many bad choices about this in the past that now, when I meet someone who could become a friend, I'm very sensitive to anything about them that might lead to problems in the future. I'm probably over-sensitive to the point where it's becoming a problem. But if keeping friends has been an issue for you, then it's a good idea to be conscious about who you want to make your friend in the future, and not just be satisfied with anyone who crosses your path.

 

[Xelha]

Thanks for your input.

I guess when I say all this I have a particular friend in mind. A lot of my other friendships have been going downhill as well though, over the past few years, largely due to inconsistencies in my life.

This one friend of mine that just pushes me over the edge is an online friend that I used to confide in so much... we were friends for like upwards of 5 or 6 years, I've lost count now. I guess I became increasingly dependent on his friendship, because whenever I started going in a different direction in life, no matter where I was, he would still always be there. We used to talk for hours a day(he also really enjoyed our conversations and would confide in me as well).

Anyway, we had something of a fight, and after that things were never the same. I couldn't stand to see what our friendship had become, so after a while I told him I wanted to end it and cut off contact. But he begged me not to, said he didn't want to lose me as a friend, blah blah blah. The problem? Things are still nowhere near how they used to be... and he's avoiding me. He'll not come online for months at a time... but then sometimes I'll go on Facebook chat for a moment and see he's online(probably 'cause he knows I never use it, and there he's unable to block me anyway). It's like he has control over me, since by coming online very rarely he controls when we can talk. All of this is driving me crazy... maybe I need to tell him again that I want to cut off contact... only this time be more firm about it.

Back to what I was saying about my real life friends... a big part of the problem is just the phase of life I'm in, I think. When I graduated from high school, I went to university in another town 3 hours away, and so I lost a LOT of my high school friends... especially since we no longer had much in common anymore. In university I just had a lot of bad luck... almost all the people I started to develop close friendships with would suddenly drop out of school(one person felt God didn't want her to be there, one person needed time to think about things, another one's mom died).

I do contact my old friends, but then when we talk I can see they don't really care at all to talk to me anymore... and I don't want to be the one to start up conversation every time when the other person clearly doesn't care enough to keep the conversation alive.

That was really long, sorry lol.

 

[nicespirit]

i have the same problem as you, i think this is due to low social experience.
we just need to be social, try to understand people, we don't have to be pushy toward people, just try to get along with them.