Close Friends

[edamame721]

So, lately, I feel like I have no close friends or actual friends. When my mother was diagnosed with her illness, a lot of people ignored me until I confronted them. I spend a lot of my time trying to stay in touch with people and they don't show me the same courtesy.

Really, I don't think I have anyone who cares what's happening or what I'm feeling. And when I try to tell people I feel like we haven't been connecting they avoid me instead.

I don't want to live life putting on a friendly mask but I feel even more alienated when I speak the truth. When I'm there for people, they take me for granted or vent their anger towards me.

I don't have a significant other and my siblings remain "busy." My mother has been my support through my grandparents' hospitalization and deaths and I'm appalled at how the rest of the immediate family keeps ignoring the diagnosis and doesn't spend more time with her. Sometimes, I think my mother and I are the same in that we care too much.

 

[Tiina63]

I know this feeling only too well.
A lot of people are unable or unwilling to deal with illness or other major problems in another person's life and so they try to brush the whole thing under the carpet and to avoid those who are suffering. I am really sad that this is happening to you, and that you are so alone in caring for your mum. She is very fortunate to have you and you are being really great to be there for her.
Have often read about how, when people have problems, everyone in their life has rallied round to help them, but can only say that my life has been the same as yours- most people run for the hills when you need them.

 

[Tealeaf]

Your family might come to regret their choice to spend so little time with your mother down the road, when they realize that human life can't wait for their time off, their kids to go to bed on time, or their stress to abate. My grandparents' passings couldn't wait for me to stop being too worried about school to make real time for family. You're in a better position to have enough memories.

I've often experienced people's eagerness to share their own woes and partake in comfort without returning the kindness, on one occasion without even acknowledging that I'd said anything. One person would trash talk groups I'm part of after coming to me and partaking of my sympathy and encouragement. Even a dog has the good sense to look ashamed when it's been caught pissing all over its home, but not these people. Which is, of course, why I no longer offer. Be a friend to make a friend, indeed - they just don't say what kind of friend you're getting.

With the few people I still talk to, I try to keep it casual. No feelings. I like them and have considered trying to strengthen the bonds by talking about the problems we face, but I'd rather not go through the same old disappointment. I think it's just better this way when emotional issues aren't really on the table as discussion fodder, and we talk about things like politics, video games, and movies. No one leaves having had the well drained but without being able to expect any kindness in return.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I don't have a significant other and my siblings remain "busy." My mother has been my support through my grandparents' hospitalization and deaths and I'm appalled at how the rest of the immediate family keeps ignoring the diagnosis and doesn't spend more time with her. Sometimes, I think my mother and I are the same in that we care too much.

I think that you and your mother should continue to care about each other, and forget everyone else. If they don't want to act right, that's on them. That will be on their minds and heavy on their heart if something happens; Not yours. Don't let their selfishness and blatant disregard rest on your shoulders. Their actions are not your burden to carry.

 

[edamame721]

@Tiina63 I'm sorry to hear this. But in my case, if I can't even count on family to be there for my mom, I don't know who else to turn to.

@Tealeaf In most cases, I'm okay with keeping things casual, but when I can't share something important with people, even small things (like getting canceled on, which recently happened) end up hurting a lot more. But then, isolating myself causes me to be more depressed. Also, there are some people I've known for more than a decade...so I don't think asking for some time or concern is unreasonable.

@VanillaCreme The problem is, my mother has always been my support. But with her illness, I no longer feel I can come to her with all my concerns. Stress exacerbates symptoms and I've lately been trying to keep her mood positive. And who do I talk to when I have concerns not about my own life, but about her?

 

[VanillaCreme]

@VanillaCreme The problem is, my mother has always been my support. But with her illness, I no longer feel I can come to her with all my concerns. Stress exacerbates symptoms and I've lately been trying to keep her mood positive. And who do I talk to when I have concerns not about my own life, but about her?

I completely understand this. My mother is also ill. I try to keep the conversations between us light as well. But if I have something I need to say, I say it. Just like I believe with my mom, your mother being ill doesn't make her any less of a person. I'm still honest with my mom, and she won't think twice to be honest with me or anyone else. I think that the both of you should be able to talk. There's nothing to lose in being honest there. I realize that you may not feel the same, but I've not been any different towards my mom since she became sick. And I know my mother appreciates that, because she went through many years thinking she was so completely different from everyone else, and feeling like she couldn't be a normal person anymore.

I wish I knew what more I could say. I do know how you're feeling though. I guess my suggestion in lesser words are to just be... normal, I suppose. I wish the best for you and your mother. And I hope the rest of your family wakes up and realizes how ridiculous they're being. They don't need to treat her any different, or make her think she's not worth their time.

 

[cumulus.james]

So, lately, I feel like I have no close friends or actual friends. When my mother was diagnosed with her illness, a lot of people ignored me until I confronted them. I spend a lot of my time trying to stay in touch with people and they don't show me the same courtesy.

Really, I don't think I have anyone who cares what's happening or what I'm feeling. And when I try to tell people I feel like we haven't been connecting they avoid me instead.

I don't want to live life putting on a friendly mask but I feel even more alienated when I speak the truth. When I'm there for people, they take me for granted or vent their anger towards me.

I don't have a significant other and my siblings remain "busy." My mother has been my support through my grandparents' hospitalization and deaths and I'm appalled at how the rest of the immediate family keeps ignoring the diagnosis and doesn't spend more time with her. Sometimes, I think my mother and I are the same in that we care too much.

you are not alone. I felt like this my whole life. And heres what I have just realized, it was because I felt that way I would lose friends. Sad truth is that if they are not botherd about you then they are not real friends. But that does not mean to say that you can't have real freinds, or a partner who loves you.

I think the difference between people like us and popular people is that popular people tend not to give a crap what anyone else thinks of them. How many times in your life have to come across a popular/sucessful person and though 'this guy is a propper c***'. I think that when we percieve people noticeing flaws in us, we get self consious and it has a negative effect.

It is only by accepting who you are, and any 'differences' you may have and celibrating them that you will find people who truly like you, and all of you. Hide nothing, never be ashamed of your natural self. It is our differences which make us unique.

In the UK everyone is trying to be the same and ape everyone else, fall into line with what is popular or sanctioned as 'noraml'. Makes for a very boring world. We have a monoculture - and it's all so beige.

 

[edamame721]

@VanillaCreme Thanks for this advice. I will try to be more honest with my mom. Just recently, I kept something from her and I saw that she was concerned for me. It was a small thing though, and it'll pass, but I realize you are right.

@cumulus.james I think popular people are more savvy than simply being confident about themselves, but I agree somewhat. I don't mind people noticing flaws -- it's those picking on them on purpose that's aggravating. I care about people and unfortunately, that includes caring about their opinions more than I should.

Also, in other news, I confronted my siblings. I ended up having to argue badly with one of them, but they made recent efforts to spend more time with my mother. One even taught my mother some exercises while being defensive all the while about what I said. I had to avoid them afterwards because I was feeling drained, but I'm glad this helped my mom.

 

[VanillaCreme]

If it takes an argument for them to realize they do need to spend more time with their mother, then so be it. That's something that's easily preventable by them. I'm glad you stood up for your feelings on that, and for your mother. I'm sure she wants to talk to all her children.