Fake it until you Make it?

[AspiringCatLady]

So what does everyone think of this well known and perhaps overused phrase used by counsellors and therapists etc. I've been trying to drum it into my head. So I now pretend i'm happy until it actually happens? Or do I just pretend i'm attractive even if I don't feel it? Someone once told me to stand in front of the mirror and say 'You're great you are' or some other gut wrenchingly cringeworthy phrase. Okay.. so i've taken them at their word, and thought there must be something in it .. right?

So why oh why do I feel like a complete pillock doing these things.. I feel like i'm kidding myself! Okay I can put up a good front to others that i'm happy.. after all, no one likes a whinger right? So I do all this stuff, try to stay happy, try to convince myself i'm happy, do all the happy things.. Blah blah blah. So after all this i'm still at the stage where I need antidepressants to lighten my mood. Am I just unlucky and my life is a bit honeysuckle? or would someone else deal with things in my life differently? Bleurgh.. Maybe I just overthink things. Insights anyone?

 

[Tiina63]

I feel mixed towards this 'fake it till you make it' phrase. On one hand, a person with not much confidence might eventually become more confident by faking confidence, but on the other hand the phrase to me means 'don't be yourself.' For this reason I am dubious about this advice.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think it depends on WHY you are doing it.

If it's a self esteem issue, it can very much help you overcome it. It can help you do things that you wouldn't otherwise do and in time it will be easier to do.
If you're doing it to hide from, not only the rest of the world, but also yourself, then it likely won't work the way you've heard it's supposed to.

Fake it 'til you make it worked for me. Baby steps is the key, I think. Don't "fake" everything at once. Stop off with the simpler things and work your way up. By the time you get to the bigger things, they won't seem as daunting.

 

[Mouse]

First off, confidence doesn't come from faking confidence. Confidence comes from being happy with yourself and knowing who you are.

When I was younger and around a crowd of people I was a very shy mouse and didn't say much. Now that I know who I am, I am very social and open with everyone who approaches me. Confidence, Luv, it doesn't happen over night. It doesn't come with practice and sure doesn't come from faking it. Except confidence comes when you are happy with yourself and you don't care what anybody thinks about you. You know who you are and if someone doesnt like you for being you - their loss.

Be yourself and don't worry about what other people think about you If you're talking to a new person, then try to find a common interest with them. And if you were to become really confident, then you can act random/crazy (not annoying though). Lol, but sometimes I think my randomness actually helps start a conversation.

Fake it until you make it - how will you ever know when you've made it?

 

[Katerina]

I think it depends on whether you are pretending to be someone you're not or a confident version of yourself. I know people who it's worked for and in a way it can be a similar thing to cognitive behavioural therapy in that you are changing your behaviour in order to change your thinking rather than vice-versa. The reason why it's often done this way round is that mindsets can become very self-critical and stubbornly hard to shift whereas saying something or being positive in other ways to ourselves is easier to achieve even if it's something that can make us roll our eyes and can eventually shift our minds to think differently.

 

[AspiringCatLady]

Thanks Katerina, I guess what you're saying is about finding a balance - being a better version of yourself but not overdoing it so you come across as an overconfident jerk! I do find these CBT techniques just a bit cringeworthy though - I think i'm a confident person but i'm aware of my vulnerabilities - to me i'd rather be like this than someone who lives with their head in the clouds thinking that they're something that they're not. These sorts of people really make my blood boil!

 

[exasperated]

Are there really therapists that promote this line of thinking? I know it's prevalent in self help literature but any really therapist that uses this phrase should have their credentials taken away.

I think pretending to be happy when you are not will have a terrible impact on one's psyche. Unfortunately we are living in a time when bottling up feelings and always acting happy is expected, at least in the US. I think this is having a detrimental impact on society and is preventing us from really relating to others. Most importantly you should not put on a front for others. Everyone is always going through something (whether they admit it or not) and we should all be able to talk openly about that and draw support from others.

If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. I promised you would never have to pretend to be happy around me and can express whatever you are really feeling, sadness, angry etc without limit.

 

[bookworm1979]

exasperated,

Have you read Barbara Ehrenreich's "Bright-Sided : How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America"? Here's the summary: "Exposes the downside of America's penchant for positive thinking, which the author believes leads to self-blame and a preoccupation with stamping out "negative" thoughts on a personal level, and, on a national level, has brought on economic disaster."

I haven't read it yet myself, but I've been meaning to, so thanks for indirectly reminding me that it exists!

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think pretending to be happy when you are not will have a terrible impact on one's psyche. Unfortunately we are living in a time when bottling up feelings and always acting happy is expected, at least in the US. I think this is having a detrimental impact on society and is preventing us from really relating to others. Most importantly you should not put on a front for others.

I think you (and perhaps others) have a misconception of what fake it til you make it really is.
It's not about hiding yourself or being "fake" all the time. You don't change everything about yourself, you just "fake" having confidence, having less anxiety or even not being quite so sad so you can go out and do things a little easier or help push yourself past a hurdle.
It is most definitely NOT for others in any way, it is for YOURSELF. fresia other people, it's not about them. It's about allowing yourself to be able to move through whatever is holding you back. It's also not a long term fix and it shouldn't really be used as one (although some do). It's to help yourself see that how you feel about yourself isn't always the truth. It's to show you that not all of it is real, that some of it is just in your head and you CAN do the things you tell yourself that you can't.

 

[shadetree]

I dont really like this saying either, ive had a couple what id consider bad therapists tell me this crap and its not a totally useless idea i dont guess. But at the same time its not that great either. Also most of them dont even bother to fully explain it. I think the real idea behind it is that you push yourself out of your comfort zone in the hopes that if youre out there long enough youll be okay.

Its the psychology equivalent of throwing a kid in deep water and hoping they learn to swim.

What ive learned from studying my own irrational fears and anxiety is that anxiety is like quicksand and the more you struggle against it the more you sink.A good saying i learned is, what you resist persists. The key to overcoming depression and anxiety comes in acceptance and learning to deal with it a step at a time,and draining its power over you. not fighting against it. If you fight it, it only makes it stronger.

So sometimes just jumping out and facing your fears can have negative consequences that blowback on this method. For example lets say like me you have irrational fears of talking to people you dont know. Youre doing the fake it till you make it song and dance. You walk up to this person all psyched up "feeling good" and you try talking to them and they just flat out reject you, curse you out tell you get the F away from them etc. Now keep in mind thats worst case scenario. But it could potentially happen, and then you now have a new negative event attached to when youre talking to people. So that makes that wall you had built in your head even bigger and harder to climb. Chances are if youre already in this state and that happens its going to put you waaaaaaaaaay back behind that wall and make you even more down on yourself and afraid and reinforce your automatic negative thinking.

It "can" work, but i wouldnt think it would work for anybody with deep seated depression or anxiety, it might work for somebody with mild shyness, mild depression etc. But its not good for people with serious issues.

 

[exasperated]

That is my absolute favorite book. She really hits the nail on the head! I think it should be required reading for everyone in the US.

exasperated,

Have you read Barbara Ehrenreich's "Bright-Sided : How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America"? Here's the summary: "Exposes the downside of America's penchant for positive thinking, which the author believes leads to self-blame and a preoccupation with stamping out "negative" thoughts on a personal level, and, on a national level, has brought on economic disaster."

I haven't read it yet myself, but I've been meaning to, so thanks for indirectly reminding me that it exists!

 

[bookworm1979]

exasperated,

Now I definitely want to read that book! I had a feeling that you were familiar with it, based on what you said about always being expected to act happy in the US (I agree, BTW).

Have you read Ehrenreich's "Nickel & Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America"? It's about the working poor, and should also be required reading.

 

[Tealeaf]

One of my greatest fears is that people can all see how messed up I am, no matter how I dress, act, or conduct myself. That even when I'm leading a lab group, they still only see some awkward, sick thing.

 

[exasperated]

I love that book as well! You should also try Bait and Switch by Ehrenreich. It's under another cover book about job hunting.

Funny, I've been trying to get a nonfiction book club going where I live with the first book being Bright Sided. I think that book is a great way to meet people for me, because I know they like it we will get along.

exasperated,

Now I definitely want to read that book! I had a feeling that you were familiar with it, based on what you said about always being expected to act happy in the US (I agree, BTW).

Have you read Ehrenreich's "Nickel & Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America"? It's about the working poor, and should also be required reading.

 

[SofiasMami]

exasperated,

Now I definitely want to read that book! I had a feeling that you were familiar with it, based on what you said about always being expected to act happy in the US (I agree, BTW).

Have you read Ehrenreich's "Nickel & Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America"? It's about the working poor, and should also be required reading.

I read that book I think back in the 90s and it still holds true today, maybe even more so! Ah, when the people rise up with pitchforks and torches, I will be right there in the middle of it. But now I'm way off topic, sorry

-Teresa

 

[exasperated]

If you like Nickel and Dimed you may like Hand to Mouth by Linda Tirado. I really like it until I got the the chapter about parenting.

I hope the pitchforks and torches day comes!

 

[bookworm1979]

exasperated,

Have you had any luck with your book club? What other books would you include in the club?

What was wrong with the chapter on parenting in the Tirado book?

Thanks for the suggestions! Now I know what to get on my next trip to the library (although "Hand to Mouth" seems to be a bit popular at my library right now, so I'll have to wait).

Torches and pitchforks would be nice, but I don't see it happening any time soon. Advertise a new iPhone, however, and people will wait in line for days for THAT cause.

 

[Greenish]

@ Bookworm & Exasperated

How about starting up a book club thread. Apart from the two of you there must be many others who love reading as much as you do

 

[exasperated]

Not well lol. Where I live people do not read that kind of stuff. This is the book I'm reading next http://www.amazon.com/Idiot-America-Stupidity-Became-Virtue/dp/0767926153

I just didn't sit well with me. Her agreement was basically that you don't really need money to have children e.g just buy used tee shirts at a thrift store and use them as diapers... putting antiseptic on scrapes isn't necessary etc. I'm child free by choice, but just didn't feel this chapter.

I think there is a "what are you reading thread." I'd be happy to start a non fiction book club thread starting with these two books, not sure if we'd have anyone other than bookworm and myself.

 

[SofiasMami]

Not well lol. Where I live people do not read that kind of stuff. This is the book I'm reading next http://www.amazon.com/Idiot-America-Stupidity-Became-Virtue/dp/0767926153

That book looks interesting but I'm quite certain it already reinforces what I already believe. I also tend to go for wonky arguments with numbers and nerdy stuff instead of using words like idiot and stupid. But that's just me!

Apologies again for going way off topic-
I've heard the phrase fake it till you make it and I'm a big believer in cognitive behavioral psychology (I studied it for my bachelor's degree). However, I don't think it's as simple as pretending you're happy until you actually feel happy. It's a bit more complex and multi-layered than that.
Feeling happy is way overrated anyway. I'd rather feel satisfied and content.

-Teresa