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Revanchist

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Hey guys, so these past few days I've been chatting with a person, and there is something that sort of slapped me in the face and reminded me of an issue many people have. I just want to make this issue open and public so you can hopefully gain from my experience :D

Here's the problem.

Depression is easy.

Yep. There is nothing easier than giving up. I went through the "depression" and later on, upon talking to the school councelor, i learned that I was in fact NOT depressed. She told me directly that depression is like...something serious. Something messed up, like its nothing to joke about. People take meds for it etc.etc. and then I discovered at that moment, that I was nothing more...but a little *****. Yeah i mean hear me out.

I used to lay in bed and cry at times, thinking oh i wish i had more friends. Or perhaps someone to love, and then it dawned on me...***** nobody can hear you. I noticed this with closer friends, they tend to moan and complain hoping someone will hear them and come and say...hey...i wanna marry you or something.

That isn't gonna happen. People aren't attracted to sad people. The only kind of people you'll get from that is people who look down on you and want to help you. They take pity and try to help. Its not a bad thing, its called friendship. People who help you out. But you cannot expect strangers to come and give you everything you need. Its not very attractive to introduce yourself to strangers in a negative mannor.

Even if you think badly about yourself a little, you should never talk to others in a tone that is disrespectful to you. They might correct you and help but if you keep doing it they'll give up.

Just think of this. Would you sooner be attracted to a person who rejects every compliment, and drowns in self pity, or a person who smiles to your compliments, returns some and spreads an aura of relaxation?

You should open your social problems to closer people, but if you really feel like you have a problem, don't expect to use it to get a partner. You can use it to get friends, like on this site.

I noticed self destructive behavior with many people online. This forum is an exception because you open yourself here, but i mean social networks. So i was on this one site and this person shared about how sad they were. Then someone commented about how they should keep their chin up etc.etc. So i thought, hey...this guy isn't that bad. I mean he feels down but he'll get better with support. Then I click below and see that on every positive comment he got, he responded with something like " Oh i don't think so...or...no im not, im ugly". In that very moment i instantly got pushed away. Why should I bother helping someone who doesn't want to be helped? This is a stranger. I'd rather help out a friend.

It is selfish somewhat, but hear me out. Every time you apporoach someone in such a fashion, they will think the same thing. You're a stranger, they don't owe anything to you and they won't help you unless you ask for it. It comes off as attention seeking and fake.

::::
I'm just trying to say that nobody will come with magic words that will mend your heart. I don't care what age you are, you need to start feeling good in your skin so that others may feel that goodness and be attracted to it. Then common people will be friendlier because its so much easier to breathe around a person who is friendly.

You'll surely meet bastards who don't give a crap about you, and them you should avoid. But nobody wins the first time. You gotta keep trying. Change your tactics.

This was sort of a long post that just explains a perspective, but its something i noticed on people. As a matter of fact there was this guy i kinda liked online and now i got really put down when he said he had social problems. I mean I'll help him and ill be a friend for him, but that romantic image faded because personally I want someone who will make me smile, not constantly laugh at everything I say. So I'll be his friend but hardly anything more.
 
How can you say "depression is easy" when you haven't even experienced it? Depression isn't a choice, it's not just someone saying "Oh fresia it I can't be bothered".

I see what you're trying to say but I can't help but think it's a tl;dr version of "lie about who you are and how you feel if you want to get laid/don't want to get friend-zoned." OK sure, it's one thing to introduce yourself to a stranger as a miserable shitbag, but personally I can be attracted to a happy person or a sad person... preferably a mixture of the two. As long as they are real and honest with their emotions. No, I don't want to be with someone who is negative all the time, but I do want to meet people who understand that overly positive people are annoying. Related to a morbid sense of humour I suppose. Depression is not to be sneered at, but everything in life is to be laughed at. With laughter, pessimists survive.

Don't you think it's a good idea for people to be upfront about their bullshit such as social problems? Yes, it will be red flags for many people (people like you :p) but I think it's good to know about it beforehand, rather than seeing the poor sod have a panic attack on your precariously-chosen first date in the middle of the city.

I hate this quote and the people who post it in stupid facebook pictures etc, but I find it appropriate here.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best"

I think it was Marilyn Monroe. There's some sense in it, I think. But again I do see what you are saying. Yes, overly negative people are also annoying - the types you mentioned who are always self-deprecating, and not in an amusing way.
 
painter said:
How can you say "depression is easy" when you haven't even experienced it? Depression isn't a choice, it's not just someone saying "Oh fresia it I can't be bothered".

I see what you're trying to say but I can't help but think it's a tl;dr version of "lie about who you are and how you feel if you want to get laid/don't want to get friend-zoned." OK sure, it's one thing to introduce yourself to a stranger as a miserable shitbag, but personally I can be attracted to a happy person or a sad person... preferably a mixture of the two. As long as they are real and honest with their emotions. No, I don't want to be with someone who is negative all the time, but I do want to meet people who understand that overly positive people are annoying. Related to a morbid sense of humour I suppose. Depression is not to be sneered at, but everything in life is to be laughed at. With laughter, pessimists survive.

Don't you think it's a good idea for people to be upfront about their bullshit such as social problems? Yes, it will be red flags for many people (people like you :p) but I think it's good to know about it beforehand, rather than seeing the poor sod have a panic attack on your precariously-chosen first date in the middle of the city.

I hate this quote and the people who post it in stupid facebook pictures etc, but I find it appropriate here.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best"

I think it was Marilyn Monroe. There's some sense in it, I think. But again I do see what you are saying. Yes, overly negative people are also annoying - the types you mentioned who are always self-deprecating, and not in an amusing way.

Okay I think I used the word depression falsely. That was the kind of feeling that I had thinking it was depression. The illness in itself is something far more serious so yeah it was misused because I wasn't thinking of the illness but the feeling of THINKING one is depressed. I won't edit it, editing would only cause confusion i think.

And yeah i totally agree overly positive people are annoying but what I meant to say is that the "worst" as you mentioned above should definitely be adressed but not put above the "best". In no way am I suggesting that someone hides their bad side but simply equalises it and not puts it above the "best". Because people who feel like that usually tend to always allow the bad feelings take up 90% of their behaviour when in fact it should be equal. I'm not turned off by the bad side, clearly everyone has them but in my opinion the bad side is more of a personal nature and should be addressed once you get to know someone a little better, mostly because at that time the person you're trying to meet won't be blinded by the bad things.

Kind of like when you meet someone online before seeing them. You get to know their soul before seeing what they look like, which allows you to judge their character and personality with no bias.
 
Being sad all the time makes your hair flat from stress.
Flat hair is unattractive.
 
Revanchist said:
Kind of like when you meet someone online before seeing them. You get to know their soul before seeing what they look like, which allows you to judge their character and personality with no bias.

Interacting with someone through the internet doesn't magically ensure that everyone's being honest -- quite the opposite: in many ways, it becomes easier to wear a mask online. It's a much simpler thing to fool someone when they can't read your face or look into your eyes.
 
I believe she might be saying that if a guy expresses the faintest glimmer of doubt or says he has some problem, his romantic chances with the woman he's talking to are gone. :D

You may not say that directly, but it's in between the lines IMO. Lotsa evidence for this in real life, anyway.
 
I'm not a religious person so I won't say that God helps those who help themselves, but I do believe that life does.
 
I do see your point, and with most of it, I agree. But I think its common knowledge:/
But thanks for sharing it though, maybe someone will feel encouraged by it:) And that worth it I guess:)
 
Batman55 said:
I believe she might be saying that if a guy expresses the faintest glimmer of doubt or says he has some problem, his romantic chances with the woman he's talking to are gone. :D

You may not say that directly, but it's in between the lines IMO. Lotsa evidence for this in real life, anyway.

I must say this rings true, for all genders
 
⬆maybe right at the start ... At the start it is better to keep the crazy under wraps , and only let it out a bit at a time as one progresses in the relationship. Otherwise it looks as if there is only crazy..
 
My idea behind finding someone to fall in love with would be so I could be happy not so I could counsel and molly coddle a depressed and unhappy person. I know what a downer I can be when I'm feeling down, which brings out the negative in me, and I can't see expecting someone to be attracted to me when I'm like that because what kind of future is there for the poor girl? Who wishes to find someone so they live in a dark bleak world, moaning their way into the twilight years?

Expecting anyone to embrace the depressed negative moaning side of me is a little selfish, in my opinion. Maybe there's a subculture out there that embraces that, I don't know. But I don't fault anyone who moves onto the guy who is full of life and energy and laughs (annoyingly) at everything life offers him. A happy spirit is hard to resist, unless you're like me, and find happy, out going, attention seekers annoying as hell. LOL
 
Grackle said:
My idea behind finding someone to fall in love with would be so I could be happy not so I could counsel and molly coddle a depressed and unhappy person. I know what a downer I can be when I'm feeling down, which brings out the negative in me, and I can't see expecting someone to be attracted to me when I'm like that because what kind of future is there for the poor girl? Who wishes to find someone so they live in a dark bleak world, moaning their way into the twilight years?

Expecting anyone to embrace the depressed negative moaning side of me is a little selfish, in my opinion. Maybe there's a subculture out there that embraces that, I don't know. But I don't fault anyone who moves onto the guy who is full of life and energy and laughs (annoyingly) at everything life offers him. A happy spirit is hard to resist, unless you're like me, and find happy, out going, attention seekers annoying as hell. LOL

I do agree that we shouldn't be councelors to our partners 24/7 but personally I don't mind helping the person that I love if they're insecure etc. However I'd also like to know that should I ever feel that way, that person will be there for me. I think both sides in a relationship should be supportive of eachother and not just one who is the counselor while the other is feeling down 24/7.

lol as for the happy spirits...I'm not into people who laugh at everything. Being a person who talks a lot and makes people laugh, I get bored of it and instead get really surprised when someone makes me laugh and says something interesting, as oppose to just saying " You're funny" 20 times a day.


P.S. I'm a guy! :p
 
Revanchist said:
Grackle said:
My idea behind finding someone to fall in love with would be so I could be happy not so I could counsel and molly coddle a depressed and unhappy person. I know what a downer I can be when I'm feeling down, which brings out the negative in me, and I can't see expecting someone to be attracted to me when I'm like that because what kind of future is there for the poor girl? Who wishes to find someone so they live in a dark bleak world, moaning their way into the twilight years?

Expecting anyone to embrace the depressed negative moaning side of me is a little selfish, in my opinion. Maybe there's a subculture out there that embraces that, I don't know. But I don't fault anyone who moves onto the guy who is full of life and energy and laughs (annoyingly) at everything life offers him. A happy spirit is hard to resist, unless you're like me, and find happy, out going, attention seekers annoying as hell. LOL

I do agree that we shouldn't be councelors to our partners 24/7 but personally I don't mind helping the person that I love if they're insecure etc. However I'd also like to know that should I ever feel that way, that person will be there for me. I think both sides in a relationship should be supportive of eachother and not just one who is the counselor while the other is feeling down 24/7.

lol as for the happy spirits...I'm not into people who laugh at everything. Being a person who talks a lot and makes people laugh, I get bored of it and instead get really surprised when someone makes me laugh and says something interesting, as oppose to just saying " You're funny" 20 times a day.


P.S. I'm a guy! :p

Same here.

I wouldn't support someone with no interest in supporting themselves outside of our relationship, but I'd expect them to have downsides and bad moods. That's just how people work, and no one is exempt from that. In a marriage of 5, 10, 20, or 30 years, anyone who's attracted to a happy, outgoing person and expects their relationship to be all sunshine and rainbows is in for a cold, hard awakening.

In the past my problem has been with people making me the target of their frustrations or responsible for their problems.
 
I agree with being there for the people we love but I was talking about people we don't already know. I feel people would be more attracted to getting to know me if I wasn't DebbieDowner.
 
Peaches said:
Batman55 said:
I believe she might be saying that if a guy expresses the faintest glimmer of doubt or says he has some problem, his romantic chances with the woman he's talking to are gone. :D

You may not say that directly, but it's in between the lines IMO. Lotsa evidence for this in real life, anyway.

I must say this rings true, for all genders

It's not true for me, and not true for a lot of men. Which is a lot of us--especially those of us who haven't had much luck with relationships. That's something we can easily look past, unless it turns into some kind of "extreme."

But women tolerate NONE of this, at all, from men.

The cult of confidence continues. It weighs more heavily on men than it does for women.
 
painter said:
How can you say "depression is easy" when you haven't even experienced it? Depression isn't a choice, it's not just someone saying "Oh fresia it I can't be bothered".

I see what you're trying to say but I can't help but think it's a tl;dr version of "lie about who you are and how you feel if you want to get laid/don't want to get friend-zoned." OK sure, it's one thing to introduce yourself to a stranger as a miserable shitbag, but personally I can be attracted to a happy person or a sad person... preferably a mixture of the two. As long as they are real and honest with their emotions. No, I don't want to be with someone who is negative all the time, but I do want to meet people who understand that overly positive people are annoying. Related to a morbid sense of humour I suppose. Depression is not to be sneered at, but everything in life is to be laughed at. With laughter, pessimists survive.

Don't you think it's a good idea for people to be upfront about their bullshit such as social problems? Yes, it will be red flags for many people (people like you :p) but I think it's good to know about it beforehand, rather than seeing the poor sod have a panic attack on your precariously-chosen first date in the middle of the city.

I hate this quote and the people who post it in stupid facebook pictures etc, but I find it appropriate here.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best"

I think it was Marilyn Monroe. There's some sense in it, I think. But again I do see what you are saying. Yes, overly negative people are also annoying - the types you mentioned who are always self-deprecating, and not in an amusing way.

I agree with this. Absolutely nothing is more attractive to me, personality wise, than someone who is honest with how they feel, how they're doing, and who they are.

I have an issue with people who can't hold up when it's time to hold up (meaning people who have to break down and cry in the middle of class, or let their anger out on people who have nothing to do with it). But that type of behavior is different from just being honest about your feelings.

I have a self deprecating sense of humor sometimes. And I think it's attractive when others do also. It's a sign that they're a little more comfortable with themselves, in a way. Even if it's cold comfort.

PS: depression is not easy. It's excruciatingly difficult every step of the way and every foot gained is like a million years.
 
Grackle said:
I agree with being there for the people we love but I was talking about people we don't already know. I feel people would be more attracted to getting to know me if I wasn't DebbieDowner.

That's exactly what I mean.
 

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