Gaslighting

[edamame721]

Gaslighting is a tactic that people use to invalidate and deny your feelings by claiming your memories of events is faulty. This happened to me a few times and it really opened my eyes to how a former friend had been bad for me because she used gaslighting to try to convince me I was interpreting her actions incorrectly ("I didn't say that") even after I talked about how they continued to hurt for years.

I hope this helps someone. Trust in your own judgement. *hugs*

 

[Aisha]

I've said I didn't say/do that sometimes. But only reflexively, because I honestly don't remember. Then when given context it becomes 'Oh right. I did say that. Let's talk about it.' So we talk. I used to keep things bottled inside and that's harmful, I wouldn't want anyone else to do the same. Even if I don't remember I will apologize anyway. I don't bear grudges and anger passes very quickly for me as do the memories of any negative interaction.
Just bear in mind that the denial maybe reflexive for some people as it is with me, I don't think everyone who does it is gaslighting.

 

[edamame721]

You're uniquely you, so I'm not going to judge, but gaslighting does exist. I was honest with this former friend before. I told her "I don't remember" instead of saying I didn't do something and instead of talking it out, she scoffed and claimed I was just using that as an excuse. We never had the conversations we needed to because she used gaslighting to protect herself from acknowledging her own harmful actions. She held grudges against me she never discussed, she changed the subject deciding the real problem was elsewhere. She was a lawyer and treated our arguments as a case she should win, acknowledging some of my points only to belittle them later.

You are lucky to have who you do.

 

[Aisha]

You're uniquely you, so I'm not going to judge, but gaslighting does exist. I was honest with this former friend before. I told her "I don't remember" instead of saying I didn't do something and instead of talking it out, she scoffed and claimed I was just using that as an excuse. We never had the conversations we needed to because she used gaslighting to protect herself from acknowledging her own harmful actions. She held grudges against me she never discussed, she changed the subject deciding the real problem was elsewhere. She was a lawyer and treated our arguments as a case she should win, acknowledging some of my points only to belittle them later.

You are lucky to have who you do.

Just bear in mind that the denial maybe reflexive for some people as it is with me, I don't think everyone who does it is gaslighting.

I know it does exist. I have seen it happen. It's very frustrating when it does. There are many people who treat others badly deliberately and then refuse to acknowledge the fact. I am sorry your friend has treated you that way, but that shows she was no friend, and it's obvious why you use the word 'former' to refer to her. I hope everyone is brave enough to draw away from friendships of that nature.
And yes. I know I am lucky to have people who love me and I do appreciate them.

 

[Solivagant]

That's one of my favorite movies!

I've been gaslighted. The self-doubt and distrust it causes is the worst effect, I think.

 

[h3donist]

My ex wife used to do this - made worse from the fact that I've had a brain haemorrhage so I had extra reason to doubt myself Deliberately and insidiously, using my disabilities against me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I used to go through this before... memories, memories.

 

[Despicable Me]

I get the exact opposite of this from one person I know. They tell me stuff that really didn't happen. Their own versions of 'the story', and so they manipulate the truth.
Is there a name for this, except just 'lying'? This leads me to having to deny it, because it simply isn't true. I can tell my own version of things, but honestly no one ever really listens to me so what difference does it make? Even when they do listen, they just think I'm as credible as the person who is lying, so there is still no difference to telling my side. One of the many reasons why I just don't care anymore.

 

[dd11]

I understand what you are saying. I guess I dont' see a lot of value in rehashing things because no matter whom you are speaking with , they aren't going to remember it the same way you do. And, sometimes that is just simply a matter of a different perspective. But, I agree, there are some people who will manipulate that as well.