I am a new member here, this is my first thread, but I'll introduce myself a bit further and my situation.
I am of 18 years of age, I've been living in New Zealand since the age of 3 1/2, since my family immigrated from Russia. My names Victor, thats about it I guess.
Anyhow I will go on and explain my situation, so bare with me since it might seem like a long post and a very long novel :/.
I've been suffering depression for well over 2 years now, I feel empty and lonely at times, I have lost count of the amount of times I have cried and wept at night before sleep, the times I felt worthless and hopeless in my situation, the times I felt I was better to end up dead. But I don't think I could ever kill or harm myself as its my biggest fear and I could never think of suicide to fix my problem, which is why I've been staying positive for years, but its extremely hard in my situation.
I don't know what to do.
Since the first day of primary (elementary) school till the end of high school I've experienced cruelty, humilation from others, I was bullied for my differences, for being socially awkward, having a funny hoarse voice, skinny and because of my nose which was said to be big. I only had 2 close friends in high school and basically everyone else avoided me and thought I was a creep, especially girls, I got stabbed and used by someone who I thought was a genuine friend who made and edited videos of me to make me look like a total pervert and creep during high school which affected me badly.
Kids would exclude me from groups and what not at primary school, I barely had any friends besides a close odd one out who actually cared.
I hated school and did very badly in high school, was lazy, never did my homework or studied for exams and failed a lot more often than I passed, some teachers would even bully me or treat me like I was a disappointment. I finished high school 2 years ago and was glad.
I live with my mother and older and younger sister, my mother can't work since shes on sickness benefit and relies on me and my older sister to pay for things, basically I pay for my own living costs which costs me $150 NZD a week. I don't really get along with my mother or siblings since they never really seem to understand me, they complain about me a lot, my mother always mentions that she would be more proud had I worked harder in school and what not, and be a better son .
My father doesn't give a honeysuckle about me, he lives the life of luxury with his gf whos half his age and a gold digger, does not support me and rarely ever makes contact with me.
I have a part time job which pays me pretty much minimum wage $13.50 NZD an hour thats including tax which I only end up getting $11.50 an hour , as well as not enough hours which make it hard to make enough income to help out. I'm sick of the job since its all physical labour. I've applied to many places for a full time job but never have success cause no one calls me back, even spoke to managers, and still nothing, I have no experience other than hospitality which Im sick of, and its hard to find a job nowday's, too much competition even for the lowest paying jobs.
I have a few close friends but 80% of them are always busy with work or their own girlfriends so I only get to see them once every few weeks.
I have no car, and working my way to obtaining my restricted license in manual transmission, I'm on my learners, while everyone I know has their full :/, I took an instructor from AA this week so he could check my driving ability on the road and he called me hopeless and made me feel really bad on the road, which killed my self confidence on the road, everyone else I know have said my driving was good, Ive been learning for 6 months now.
I'm very skinny, I weigh about 55-60KG (120lb??), I'm 5"11. I took up weightlifting 2 years ago and got no where, spending hundreds of dollars on muscle mass gaining diets,my gym membership,supplements and failed badly, but always reworked and planned everything out again but was still unsuccessful over many row of times, worked on a year and a half and I'm still the same skinny guy which kills my self esteem, I quit the gym last year cause I lost interest in it and couldn't afford to pay for it every week as well as the food and what not since it was expensive .
I've never had a girlfriend, my first kiss, I'm still a virgin, I masturbate often and watch porn to get rid of my sexual urges and afterwards I feel guilty and disgusted with myself, and and while it doesn't so much bother me that I'm a virgin which actually proud of, its the companionship and longing for someone who I can care about and be affectionate with. I had my first date a few weeks ago and I'm unsure how that went since we didn't do much other than talk which is what she wanted, the girl said she was still interested but we barely talk as she said she has her own problems at the moment to deal with so I gave her space.
My other experiences with girls have been horrible, I've been called a stalker once, I've been rejected as well as at times when I've had girls would give me out their numbers, but would play mind games with me only because they loved the attention I gave them, I realized I became clingy and needy so I stopped looking for someone anymore. I've been told Im fairly attractive or cute by some girls, but at times I find it hard to believe. At times I feel confident but still get no where so basically Ive stopped all together, sick of girls and them dating the wrong guys then bitching to me about their problems while not giving a honeysuckle about how I feel.
I hate valentines day, and I as much as it sounds wrong I am happy for my close friends who are in a relationship but I hate feeling envious at times because a lot of them have a lot going for them. I know theres a saying you have to love yourself first before you can love someone, to be honest I don't believe in it, I'm not religious, and at times if the saying is so true then I might as well end up lonely forever and never loved since I can't even love myself and I've been making a lot of effort to change my life around but still no success every time I come across to the same exact situation I was in before and get fed up and depressed about it, and I get over it and work on it again but alas, still the same honeysuckle over and over, its a vicious cycle.
I studied at a technical institute last year, but it was situated in a bad area, did a Diploma in IT and it wasn't bad but the area I studied in I hated, there was no one I could relate to,no girls , no one my age with the same interest, everyone was of polynesian or indian/asian ethnicity who were well over the age of their 30s studying for their qualification, I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone at all, even culturally. I managed to pass 17 papers last year but failed one which I have to study part time this year plus another paper , which kind of annoyed me but I was okay with it. I can't get into University since I don't have the right grades or requirements to study in there so I don't bother.
Everyone my age wants to party, get drunk. I've been to 2 parties in my life and they sucked, I rarely drink, I don't smoke, I don't out to bars or clubbing cause it isn't my scene, but a lot of people my age do so its hard to find anyone I can relate to, especially girls. I also listen to rock and metal music, and everyone here my age listens to their stupid mainstream,rap or hip hop music which I can't stand, so I don't share a lot of interests than most people, so with most people it would be very hard to relate.
I've taken therapy sessions, called online help services and that never helped, everything costs money here which I can't afford. I have no hobbies, and lost interest in anything, I have no talents, I use to do kickboxing 3 years ago for 5 years when I was younger but stopped going cause lack of transport and my father stopped paying for it. I also use to play Ice Hockey when I was 8 till I was 10 but never was good enough and got an infection on my leg so I stopped going too. I tried learning guitar but realized I didn't like it at all so I stopped doing that as well.
I don't know what I want to do, I don't have any outlook in life, Id love to travel around Canada,the US if I had the money, most likely in the future, but other than that I don't know, I'm just so sick of being ******* depressed because of my loneliness, I seriously don't know what I'll be doing 10 years down the road or where I'll be, I try to keep myself occupied, most times I have a lot of time to spare so I end up playing video games at home, I had game addiction but managed to beat it but I still game once in a while, I always end up going to be around 3-5am every day for the past 4 years now cause I prefer to surf the net, chat to people online instead of sleep.
Anyway to be honest it scares me, but I'm still trying to live my life and make the most of it, and remain positive but at times I think I might end up dying an early age and realizing I died a virgin, a loser, a failure with nothing achieved in his own **** life and all the effort and hard work was taken for granted. I wished I could write so much more but it would take me hours on end to explain further
I wished there was an easy fix, but most of all I hate being unhappy majority of the times, and believing theres a sense of hope in my life for things to workout for the better, but nope, still the same honeysuckle over and over.. just another vicious cycle to make me feel even worse.
I am of 18 years of age, I've been living in New Zealand since the age of 3 1/2, since my family immigrated from Russia. My names Victor, thats about it I guess.
Anyhow I will go on and explain my situation, so bare with me since it might seem like a long post and a very long novel :/.
I've been suffering depression for well over 2 years now, I feel empty and lonely at times, I have lost count of the amount of times I have cried and wept at night before sleep, the times I felt worthless and hopeless in my situation, the times I felt I was better to end up dead. But I don't think I could ever kill or harm myself as its my biggest fear and I could never think of suicide to fix my problem, which is why I've been staying positive for years, but its extremely hard in my situation.
I don't know what to do.
Since the first day of primary (elementary) school till the end of high school I've experienced cruelty, humilation from others, I was bullied for my differences, for being socially awkward, having a funny hoarse voice, skinny and because of my nose which was said to be big. I only had 2 close friends in high school and basically everyone else avoided me and thought I was a creep, especially girls, I got stabbed and used by someone who I thought was a genuine friend who made and edited videos of me to make me look like a total pervert and creep during high school which affected me badly.
Kids would exclude me from groups and what not at primary school, I barely had any friends besides a close odd one out who actually cared.
I hated school and did very badly in high school, was lazy, never did my homework or studied for exams and failed a lot more often than I passed, some teachers would even bully me or treat me like I was a disappointment. I finished high school 2 years ago and was glad.
I live with my mother and older and younger sister, my mother can't work since shes on sickness benefit and relies on me and my older sister to pay for things, basically I pay for my own living costs which costs me $150 NZD a week. I don't really get along with my mother or siblings since they never really seem to understand me, they complain about me a lot, my mother always mentions that she would be more proud had I worked harder in school and what not, and be a better son .
My father doesn't give a honeysuckle about me, he lives the life of luxury with his gf whos half his age and a gold digger, does not support me and rarely ever makes contact with me.
I have a part time job which pays me pretty much minimum wage $13.50 NZD an hour thats including tax which I only end up getting $11.50 an hour , as well as not enough hours which make it hard to make enough income to help out. I'm sick of the job since its all physical labour. I've applied to many places for a full time job but never have success cause no one calls me back, even spoke to managers, and still nothing, I have no experience other than hospitality which Im sick of, and its hard to find a job nowday's, too much competition even for the lowest paying jobs.
I have a few close friends but 80% of them are always busy with work or their own girlfriends so I only get to see them once every few weeks.
I have no car, and working my way to obtaining my restricted license in manual transmission, I'm on my learners, while everyone I know has their full :/, I took an instructor from AA this week so he could check my driving ability on the road and he called me hopeless and made me feel really bad on the road, which killed my self confidence on the road, everyone else I know have said my driving was good, Ive been learning for 6 months now.
I'm very skinny, I weigh about 55-60KG (120lb??), I'm 5"11. I took up weightlifting 2 years ago and got no where, spending hundreds of dollars on muscle mass gaining diets,my gym membership,supplements and failed badly, but always reworked and planned everything out again but was still unsuccessful over many row of times, worked on a year and a half and I'm still the same skinny guy which kills my self esteem, I quit the gym last year cause I lost interest in it and couldn't afford to pay for it every week as well as the food and what not since it was expensive .
I've never had a girlfriend, my first kiss, I'm still a virgin, I masturbate often and watch porn to get rid of my sexual urges and afterwards I feel guilty and disgusted with myself, and and while it doesn't so much bother me that I'm a virgin which actually proud of, its the companionship and longing for someone who I can care about and be affectionate with. I had my first date a few weeks ago and I'm unsure how that went since we didn't do much other than talk which is what she wanted, the girl said she was still interested but we barely talk as she said she has her own problems at the moment to deal with so I gave her space.
My other experiences with girls have been horrible, I've been called a stalker once, I've been rejected as well as at times when I've had girls would give me out their numbers, but would play mind games with me only because they loved the attention I gave them, I realized I became clingy and needy so I stopped looking for someone anymore. I've been told Im fairly attractive or cute by some girls, but at times I find it hard to believe. At times I feel confident but still get no where so basically Ive stopped all together, sick of girls and them dating the wrong guys then bitching to me about their problems while not giving a honeysuckle about how I feel.
I hate valentines day, and I as much as it sounds wrong I am happy for my close friends who are in a relationship but I hate feeling envious at times because a lot of them have a lot going for them. I know theres a saying you have to love yourself first before you can love someone, to be honest I don't believe in it, I'm not religious, and at times if the saying is so true then I might as well end up lonely forever and never loved since I can't even love myself and I've been making a lot of effort to change my life around but still no success every time I come across to the same exact situation I was in before and get fed up and depressed about it, and I get over it and work on it again but alas, still the same honeysuckle over and over, its a vicious cycle.
I studied at a technical institute last year, but it was situated in a bad area, did a Diploma in IT and it wasn't bad but the area I studied in I hated, there was no one I could relate to,no girls , no one my age with the same interest, everyone was of polynesian or indian/asian ethnicity who were well over the age of their 30s studying for their qualification, I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone at all, even culturally. I managed to pass 17 papers last year but failed one which I have to study part time this year plus another paper , which kind of annoyed me but I was okay with it. I can't get into University since I don't have the right grades or requirements to study in there so I don't bother.
Everyone my age wants to party, get drunk. I've been to 2 parties in my life and they sucked, I rarely drink, I don't smoke, I don't out to bars or clubbing cause it isn't my scene, but a lot of people my age do so its hard to find anyone I can relate to, especially girls. I also listen to rock and metal music, and everyone here my age listens to their stupid mainstream,rap or hip hop music which I can't stand, so I don't share a lot of interests than most people, so with most people it would be very hard to relate.
I've taken therapy sessions, called online help services and that never helped, everything costs money here which I can't afford. I have no hobbies, and lost interest in anything, I have no talents, I use to do kickboxing 3 years ago for 5 years when I was younger but stopped going cause lack of transport and my father stopped paying for it. I also use to play Ice Hockey when I was 8 till I was 10 but never was good enough and got an infection on my leg so I stopped going too. I tried learning guitar but realized I didn't like it at all so I stopped doing that as well.
I don't know what I want to do, I don't have any outlook in life, Id love to travel around Canada,the US if I had the money, most likely in the future, but other than that I don't know, I'm just so sick of being ******* depressed because of my loneliness, I seriously don't know what I'll be doing 10 years down the road or where I'll be, I try to keep myself occupied, most times I have a lot of time to spare so I end up playing video games at home, I had game addiction but managed to beat it but I still game once in a while, I always end up going to be around 3-5am every day for the past 4 years now cause I prefer to surf the net, chat to people online instead of sleep.
Anyway to be honest it scares me, but I'm still trying to live my life and make the most of it, and remain positive but at times I think I might end up dying an early age and realizing I died a virgin, a loser, a failure with nothing achieved in his own **** life and all the effort and hard work was taken for granted. I wished I could write so much more but it would take me hours on end to explain further
I wished there was an easy fix, but most of all I hate being unhappy majority of the times, and believing theres a sense of hope in my life for things to workout for the better, but nope, still the same honeysuckle over and over.. just another vicious cycle to make me feel even worse.