Help me out here...loneliness is ruining me

[JS1]

Hi everyone - my first post!

Basically, I'm an 18 year old guy living in England. I feel like I'm going crazy over how lonely I feel right now. I finished high school about 6 months ago and have a university place booked for next year. I have 2 part time jobs, a car and licence, a loving family, my sister who is my best friend of all, and a small group of friends. Sounds ok right? Not so.

Loneliness right now is searing through me and sometimes it hurts so much I get a physical, heartburn type of 'pain'. You see, I don't see my friends that often and apart from my two jobs my time is sparsely filled. I'm definitely a shy, quiet guy, and I don't identify as your typical teenager interested in all night partying. But I do like to have fun, and I do have a number of interests. That said, I really feel like I've wasted the social opportunities afforded to me. I was 'ok' at school, but always too shy to initiate anything. I don't have much luck with girls, and I've never had a proper relationship. However much I try, I don't see why anyone would be attracted to me. I'm confident about certain things (eg ability to pass exam, play soccer etc), but I cannot get confident around girls. I know that I can't sit around and wait for something to happen like in the movies, but it feels like some invisible force is paralysing me (anyone else get that?), preventing me from interacting, reducing my self esteem further. It's just bizarre. How do I force myself to break away from this. Then I think about the possibilities if I don't. That I might always be alone. The thought has brought me to tears a lot. It's the only thing I ever cry about. Unless I'm doing something, it occupies my thoughts constantly. And I know that as every day passes and I do nothing about it, my chances lessen. I feel like the meaning of life is to experience total companionship, experience the emotion of love. I get very upset when I believe that I won't experience it, and that I am unlovable. I always think so cynically - that others think the worst of me. When I get a compliment I tend to react to it with cynicism, and I take negative reactions very sensitively. I know I have some talents (I want to make a career in the radio), and that I'm not totally ugly (I have applied to do modelling after some encouragement), but I just can't break through this invisible 'barrier'. And that makes me feel powerless, and very lonely indeed. Loneliness really is a terrible thing. I've definitely, apart from the obvious sadness, become more cynical and resentful. Sometimes I see happy people or couples my age and I feel hateful, and angry.

Have I got some bigger issue here? Why can I make friends, but not a girlfriend? I've never felt so upset about something in my life, and my desperation for a relationship only makes me feel worse about myself. Any advice would be great. I've spoken to my sister about this (she's the only person who knows how I feel), but I don't really want to burden her that much more. How do I get myself out of this. Some people find the stuff that perplexes me to be incredibly easy, to me it feels like a mountain to climb, and the hardest thing in the world. I want to end this loneliness so badly.

 

[PsychoBilli]

Being paralyzed by anxiety is something that still haunts me. I've since learned that if I can get past that initial hurdle it passes pretty quickly and I do just fine, but sometimes that anxiety wins and I back down or just freeze. I was talking to my psychologist today and he was telling me that emotions are things we can't control, they just happen and we have to deal with it. However, a lot of how we react to our emotions is based on our perception of them.

When the anxiety hits me I'm usually VERY focused on whatever is causing my anxiety. I may not be looking at the subject, but it fills my every sense and thought. The thing is, when I'm caught in that moment, I'm usually thinking of how things could go wrong. So since I'm so caught up in how wrong it could go I just freeze like a deer in the headlights. Doing nothing is apt to be better than the horrors running through my head, so that's what anxiety makes me do. I feel it coming on and I freeze.

The point my doctor was making was that I can learn to look at it differently and reacting differently would come a little more naturally. It would still be a struggle, but the first step is to look at it in a different light, much like the last line in my signature.

 

[Syber Tiger]

if i wanna explane my prob i can just copy yours and change the age and job thx u saved my time

i know ezaktly how u feel
and the pain is like a knife stabing you from the indide of you heart and a stomic pain??

i am 16 years old and life suz i cant find a girl all look pass me but guy "friends" i can get easy ana talk to but the girl are just the oppeside


i hope your life change for the better its living hell to live like that
and to make my life worce i am an unplanned baby that my dad didnt want and he ran way and my mom tryd to hide me from my grandma

and i am susidle (wanna kill my self i am tired of living like this)

the only thing keeping my alive is my pc(i like to play games)
and car(BIG CAR FAN)

i am tired of ppl saying there is a girl for you but where!!


good luck
bye

 

[stuff4096]

I totally understand what you are talking about. I feel the same way as you, aside from the resentment and anger. When I see couples together, I do not feel anger or hate. Instead I feel envious of their relationship and sadness that I cannot have the same thing. I understand the physical (heartburn-like) and emotional pain you are describing all too well. I have experienced it too. You really do sound a lot like me, both when I was younger and even now. I use two analogies to sum up my situation. The first one is like the one you mentioned. Finding that special someone to have a meaningful, lifelong relationship with is like reaching the top of the mountain, and right now we are both stuck at the base. Many of my friends are already married and it makes me feel sad that they have figured out how to get to the top and I am still stuck at the base of the mountain. I had friends that got married before I even went on my first date. The other analogy I use is that the world is like a snowglobe. I can see and hear everything that goes on within the snowglobe, but I can never be a part of that world. A world of love and happiness. As I have not figured out the answer this problem (and of course there is no single answer), I do not have any brilliant advice. Let me say this though. After I went through college, I realized I wasted a golden opportunity to meet someone. I do not want to see this happen to you. You seem to have a bright future ahead of you. When you go to college, take the opportunity to attend gatherings and meet people. I know it is difficult to get out of your comfort zone, but college is the perfect environment to meet new people. It is easy for me to just tell you to do that, but trust me when I say that it is better to try and fail than to not try and have regrets. Remember, you cannot win the lottery without buying a ticket. Once you graduate and start working, it becomes much more difficult to meet new people. I am not saying that you need to change who you are, because you seem to be a good person for the most part. Find a balance between your academics and your social life. You only get to live the college life once so make the best of it. Good luck to you brother

 

[alone_1986]

check out my new post mate, im from england too where u from! i was like you when i was 18 very down im nearly 25 and still feel this way, its like it'll never change and im totaly cursed! its all real...