AnonymousMe
Well-known member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2013
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I’ve always read that loneliness causes both physical and mental consequences, negative effects that can be very hard to treat in the long run, I understood what the articles were trying to state, but without experiencing those issues themselves, nobody can fully understand what those essays mean. I’ve known what my problems are, tried to solve them since my school years, especially in College, after my breakdown however, I stopped trying in solving my emotional turmoils, in socializing and pursuing my dreams. Since then, I’ve simply spent the majority of my time in my room, looking what to do on the internet, I think it’s going to be 4 years now since I adjusted to this and I think I am starting to pay the consequences. I’ve felt lonely for a long time, I thought that I would adjust to the continuous negative feelings, like sadness, without enthusiasm or motivation, not belonging anywhere, not being someone’s sweetheart, be sleepy, etc. Since last year, I noticed that I was sensing all of those things far more frequently and feel them just about every day now, I may have not realize it, but I think my loneliness if starting to affect me for real.
I may be stating the obvious here: I don’t stay inside my room all the time; I do go outside too almost every day, just not as often as other people. Anyway, like my feelings, I’ve also noticed that it’s also becoming more difficult to be around a group, increasing my chances of not belonging anywhere. For example, I was thinking of getting an easy, miniscule job these past months to keep me occupied, then thought twice about it when I saw a bunch of young adults around my age working in an In-N-Out kitchen. What I thought wasn’t about working in a low-salary place, what I thought was about my position around such people. I looked at all of them happy, talkative, full of life and I felt overwhelmed by just looking at them, I imagined that it wouldn’t be possible for me to even work at fast food restaurants, if I feel insecure by simply looking at them, then how will I supposed to work when I’m surrounded? Not to mention, they all looked good in their job uniforms, I cringe at imagining myself wearing such outfit.
It may not be to any of you, but I actually consider the following situation worse than the previous paragraph. Like many on this board, I too still haven’t experienced romantic relationships, I normally envy guys that I see with a mate, doesn’t matter if they’re holding hands, hugging, kissing, rubbing noses, cuddling or even walking, I try to not look, despite the damage already being done, especially when their girl is one of “my types.” I can’t even stand looking at fictional characters that have their special someone. It’s always been like this, but it’s also affecting my entertainment. How exactly?
Well, I’m abandoning YouTubers that have stated that they’re in a relationship. “Oh, that’s my wife in the back”; “I’m being accompanied by my lovely girlfriend”; “I have a son”; “I have a fiancé”; “I married!” The slightest indications make me stop watching their content. The worst happened today with my favorite YouTuber. I click a video that interests me and immediately see a purple-haired girl, with glasses, that likes video games (3 of my types combined), but what made her stand out though was something that said on her shirt, it said: “Anime is in the streets, Hentai is in the sheets.” For those who don’t know, anime is basically Japanese animation and hentai is erotic Japanese animation. I found her shirt to be a bit hilarious, so I scrolled down to the comments to see what they had to say about it. A reply to a comment that mentions her shirt said: “At least we know which one is the freak in bed of that relationship.” I wondered what it was saying, so I scroll down a bit more, then… boom. My favorite YouTubers’ name is mentioned: “X is a very lucky guy.” What I felt afterwards was… *sigh*
You know, I’ve felt both envy and dislike a lot before, so much that is now an everyday thing to me, I feel it twice as much whenever the cousin I abhor the most comes to visit, but for as much antipathy I have towards him, those sensations didn’t compare to what I felt when I read the comments, it stayed like that for a good amount of hours too. I think it was GENUINE HATE; I was disgusted, in disapproval with their relationship, felt very hostile towards the both of them, my heart was beating so strongly that it felt like it was going to force itself out from my body, I tried to forget about it by distracting myself by doing some work while listening to music. The emotion eventually waned away, I was glad when I stopped feeling that though, because I also was scared, it was a really frightening feeling, but I bet it’s not going to be the last time I’ll experience it. I still watch his content, the only reason I didn’t left this guy, was because he’s the one that provides my favorite content, it’s too bad that I won’t be able to look at him the same way again, it was like watching Jonathan and Mavis in Hotel Transylvania 2 (I didn’t mean this to be funny).
I think the most screwed up thing that my loneliness has done if my general impression towards women. I haven’t talked to befriend a girl in a long time, but I am still very well behaved when I talk to them in person, not in a funny or flirting way (I suck at both), in a calm way, I simply don’t smile and try to keep the conversation as long as I can, while leaving a very bad impression of me (I’m good at that). Something that very rarely happens to me is when a woman approaches me, I still behave the same way when I approach woman, because I know I can’t get a girl, but just the fact that someone approached me makes me feel momentarily special, regardless of age, as long as they’re not too young or too old and I know I’m don’t have Anililagnia nor Hebephilia in any way or form. I do have my “types,” whom I prefer around my age, which is mid-20s, but as someone that is desperate for companionship, I’ll always take my chances in any way that doesn’t break the law. When looking them from afar though… I’m basically a beast, I mean that in a double meaning: As a typical man who first stares at their rear-ends and as someone who looks at them as objects, my contact with women has been so abysmal, that I kind of see them as usual entities, like everything that passes by around me, like birds, cars, trees, etc. It’s a shame that I see women a bit like this a bit, as something that I could have, yet I can’t. Now you women can think whatever you want of me, I still respect you as human beings.
It’s going to be nearly 4 years since I decided to have this isolated lifestyle and at this rate, I’m slowly going to lose my mind, especially when my parents pass away in the inevitable future. All the stuff I could be exploring are unreachable experiences, it’ll be only up to my imagination in figuring out how what I wonder about feels like. I’m fully aware that I won’t be able to meet people this way, but there is one semi-good thing from this: nobody gets the chance of meeting me, after all, I’m an individual that isn’t fun and kills the fun when invited, despite the fact that I want to be part of their lives. I was made to simply… disappoint… I really don’t like my weak, chubby physicality, but I’m sometimes glad of my body, if I were strong, I would cause harm and maybe even be a murderer.
I’m not looking for tips or advices to solve my troublesome feelings; I just wrote how being lonely has affected me, there was no other place to tell this either. I now want to read about you all, how has being lonely affected your outlook about life?
I may be stating the obvious here: I don’t stay inside my room all the time; I do go outside too almost every day, just not as often as other people. Anyway, like my feelings, I’ve also noticed that it’s also becoming more difficult to be around a group, increasing my chances of not belonging anywhere. For example, I was thinking of getting an easy, miniscule job these past months to keep me occupied, then thought twice about it when I saw a bunch of young adults around my age working in an In-N-Out kitchen. What I thought wasn’t about working in a low-salary place, what I thought was about my position around such people. I looked at all of them happy, talkative, full of life and I felt overwhelmed by just looking at them, I imagined that it wouldn’t be possible for me to even work at fast food restaurants, if I feel insecure by simply looking at them, then how will I supposed to work when I’m surrounded? Not to mention, they all looked good in their job uniforms, I cringe at imagining myself wearing such outfit.
It may not be to any of you, but I actually consider the following situation worse than the previous paragraph. Like many on this board, I too still haven’t experienced romantic relationships, I normally envy guys that I see with a mate, doesn’t matter if they’re holding hands, hugging, kissing, rubbing noses, cuddling or even walking, I try to not look, despite the damage already being done, especially when their girl is one of “my types.” I can’t even stand looking at fictional characters that have their special someone. It’s always been like this, but it’s also affecting my entertainment. How exactly?
Well, I’m abandoning YouTubers that have stated that they’re in a relationship. “Oh, that’s my wife in the back”; “I’m being accompanied by my lovely girlfriend”; “I have a son”; “I have a fiancé”; “I married!” The slightest indications make me stop watching their content. The worst happened today with my favorite YouTuber. I click a video that interests me and immediately see a purple-haired girl, with glasses, that likes video games (3 of my types combined), but what made her stand out though was something that said on her shirt, it said: “Anime is in the streets, Hentai is in the sheets.” For those who don’t know, anime is basically Japanese animation and hentai is erotic Japanese animation. I found her shirt to be a bit hilarious, so I scrolled down to the comments to see what they had to say about it. A reply to a comment that mentions her shirt said: “At least we know which one is the freak in bed of that relationship.” I wondered what it was saying, so I scroll down a bit more, then… boom. My favorite YouTubers’ name is mentioned: “X is a very lucky guy.” What I felt afterwards was… *sigh*
You know, I’ve felt both envy and dislike a lot before, so much that is now an everyday thing to me, I feel it twice as much whenever the cousin I abhor the most comes to visit, but for as much antipathy I have towards him, those sensations didn’t compare to what I felt when I read the comments, it stayed like that for a good amount of hours too. I think it was GENUINE HATE; I was disgusted, in disapproval with their relationship, felt very hostile towards the both of them, my heart was beating so strongly that it felt like it was going to force itself out from my body, I tried to forget about it by distracting myself by doing some work while listening to music. The emotion eventually waned away, I was glad when I stopped feeling that though, because I also was scared, it was a really frightening feeling, but I bet it’s not going to be the last time I’ll experience it. I still watch his content, the only reason I didn’t left this guy, was because he’s the one that provides my favorite content, it’s too bad that I won’t be able to look at him the same way again, it was like watching Jonathan and Mavis in Hotel Transylvania 2 (I didn’t mean this to be funny).
I think the most screwed up thing that my loneliness has done if my general impression towards women. I haven’t talked to befriend a girl in a long time, but I am still very well behaved when I talk to them in person, not in a funny or flirting way (I suck at both), in a calm way, I simply don’t smile and try to keep the conversation as long as I can, while leaving a very bad impression of me (I’m good at that). Something that very rarely happens to me is when a woman approaches me, I still behave the same way when I approach woman, because I know I can’t get a girl, but just the fact that someone approached me makes me feel momentarily special, regardless of age, as long as they’re not too young or too old and I know I’m don’t have Anililagnia nor Hebephilia in any way or form. I do have my “types,” whom I prefer around my age, which is mid-20s, but as someone that is desperate for companionship, I’ll always take my chances in any way that doesn’t break the law. When looking them from afar though… I’m basically a beast, I mean that in a double meaning: As a typical man who first stares at their rear-ends and as someone who looks at them as objects, my contact with women has been so abysmal, that I kind of see them as usual entities, like everything that passes by around me, like birds, cars, trees, etc. It’s a shame that I see women a bit like this a bit, as something that I could have, yet I can’t. Now you women can think whatever you want of me, I still respect you as human beings.
It’s going to be nearly 4 years since I decided to have this isolated lifestyle and at this rate, I’m slowly going to lose my mind, especially when my parents pass away in the inevitable future. All the stuff I could be exploring are unreachable experiences, it’ll be only up to my imagination in figuring out how what I wonder about feels like. I’m fully aware that I won’t be able to meet people this way, but there is one semi-good thing from this: nobody gets the chance of meeting me, after all, I’m an individual that isn’t fun and kills the fun when invited, despite the fact that I want to be part of their lives. I was made to simply… disappoint… I really don’t like my weak, chubby physicality, but I’m sometimes glad of my body, if I were strong, I would cause harm and maybe even be a murderer.
I’m not looking for tips or advices to solve my troublesome feelings; I just wrote how being lonely has affected me, there was no other place to tell this either. I now want to read about you all, how has being lonely affected your outlook about life?