I am a empty shell

[mariawest]

Hi, everyone. I'm not quite sure what I think to gain from this, but for others to hear and maybe help if they've ever expeienced what I'm going through would be much comfort...
I'm Maria, I'm 17, and I have severe self-confidence issues. I guess it all began when I was 13 and was bullied by a boy at school, and ever since then I have become increasingly insecure about what others think about me, and about making friends, and I am almost even more scared of boys still. I recently realised I have developed social phobia (or social anxiety disorder), which is fairly common, but I guess often misunderstood. It means that through high school I have been unable to act normal around other teenagers my age, and constantly thinking that they critisice me and think I'm weird. They're obviously not but I still can't shake that horrible feeling that I'm a useless freak. It means that I don't have any friends at school , when I used to have loads.
Along with these feelings of insecurity, I am also ugly and I feel fat. Well, I'm not fat, just curvy, but because I'm ugly, being curvy doesn't make me feel feminine or beautiful, just stumpy and completly un-statuesqe. I feel disgusting and frumpy. Its probably worsened by how smart, slim and beautiful all the girls at school are. I feel so crappy in comparison I have stopped wearing makeup, as I feel like I'm just trying to kid myself into beleiving I'm actually pretty when I'm not, and wearing hoodies and jeans all the time.
My recent self-blow is my eating disorder. Its not serious, I just have developed this starving-binging diet which has made me put on more weight and feel terrible, but I can't get out of it. I have made myself distant from everyone, even my old close friends, and couldn't possibly feel any worse. The only thing that keeps on going is my wonderful amazing family who mean the world to me, and who give me all the love I could need. Sometimes I feel selfish for crying and sobbing at night for some ethereal force like God, or a guardian angel to help me when I know I couldn't ever deserve their help, for there are so many worse off. I just don't know how I could make anyone love me If I can't love myself. Its recking my life and my future career - the only gift I have, singing. I have spent many years training, and I am fairly good, but my social anxiety disorder has disallowed me to perform infront of anyone due to stage fright and the thought of all those faces criticising me.

I'm sorry it is so long-winded, but the reason I posted this message was to see if anyone else shared the same problem, maybe the same chain of events that leads on from one emotional turmoil to another. If you do, I'm so sorry, and I know how much it hurts to be a shell of the peron you used to be.

 

[Ak5]

Welcome to the Forum Maria.

Ah bullying and body image problems. You seem quite normal lol, a lot of people have been bullied and have body image problems! The important part is how you respond to it, don't let it bring you down. I've seen a lot of weird looking girls (I think they look weird and not very attractive) who have boyfriends.

Truthfully, there are only two ways social anxiety can be removed: You are your own therapist, or a psychiatrist (who can help and give meds). I myself had social anxiety, I worked on it by myself.

Try reconnecting to your old friends and talk to people in school, acquaintances perhaps? All you need is to open up, it's as simple as that.

Also, have you tried getting help for your eating-disorder problems?

 

[LoneKiller]

Welcome to the Forum Maria.

Ah bullying and body image problems. You seem quite normal lol, a lot of people have been bullied and have body image problems! The important part is how you respond to it, don't let it bring you down. I've seen a lot of weird looking girls (I think they look weird and not very attractive) who have boyfriends.

Truthfully, there are only two ways social anxiety can be removed: You are your own therapist, or a psychiatrist (who can help and give meds). I myself had social anxiety, I worked on it by myself.

Try reconnecting to your old friends and talk to people in school, acquaintances perhaps? All you need is to open up, it's as simple as that.

Also, have you tried getting help for your eating-disorder problems?

What he said.

 

[shells]

It's a fantastic gift that you have to be able to sing. But I want to warn you, that purging will destroy your singing voice.

The acid-erosion from your stomach will eventually eat away at your vocal cords... And if you continue the cycle, it may lead to more serious things: Such as esophageal cancer, losing teeth, losing hair, acid reflux, the list goes on and on. I'm pretty sure you are already aware of some of the complications, so I won't harp on you... It'd just be a very sad thing to lose the one thing that you seem to cherish very much. Social anxiety and eating disorders can be worked at with therapy and medication (if necessary) -- things like losing your gift of singing may be permanently destroyed.

A lot of this is also coming from my own experience... If you ever feel like you want to talk to someone that might have an idea of what you are going through, or just to talk, feel free to PM me anytime.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Bullying, the bane of most of our existence. I was bullied in school too but for different reasons. I was short, skinny (which sucks when you are a guy, all my female friends envied me, I hated it), and I have terrible hand-eye coordination so I SUCK at sports. Never throw anything at me, 90% of the time I won't catch it. This resorted in a lot of bullying and people calling me anorexic even though I could eat them under the table. So a bit of the opposite of your problem but similar in a way. First and foremost, please stop the binging, like Shells said, that is not good for you for multiple reasons.

There is nothing wrong with being curvy and the feeling of being ugly is your own self projection of yourself. Not everyone is going to be a knock out, and have you seen some of them without makeup? Quite a difference, and most women will tell you, it's a lot of work. Most don't wake up looking like movie stars. It's a fact that we are our own worse critics and our outlook on ourselves greatly affects what we see in the mirror. You need to change your way of thinking, from negative to positive. That isn't easy to do, but once you master it you will see yourself in a whole new light.

Just please stop your eating habits though. Go see someone who can help put you on the right kind of diet for you. There are a ton of those health food store popping up all over. There is one that is extremely popular around here, can't remember what it's called at the moment, having a brain fart.

 

[Marnnson]

I'm a guy, and get this! I can relate to most of what you said, apart for the eating disorder. Throughout primary and secondary school I was severely bullied by my class-mates (for a grand total of 5-6 years), which has led me to being completely unable to relate and talk to anybody in both high school and university. I somehow managed to luck out and have some people start conversation with me and we ended up being 'friends' for the duration of our studies; everything felt great then, but there was this weird feeling growing up. I used to be quiet while around them, still joining in laughter and jokes and some activities, but I never felt right even around my so called friends.

The friendships ended quick once we graduated. Now though I only really speak to two people, and even then I still feel empty inside. I can't seem to really connect to anybody; I always feel down on myself, shy, and introverted. Feeling weird and like everybody is judging you? Yup. Constantly. Which is why I keep to myself most of the time.

I could say two things: first, just like everybody else here, STOP. your. eating. disorder. It's critical for your health. I have closely known somebody with such an eating disorder... it's not a good idea, period. You'll do yourself a lot more harm on the long run.

Second, keep singing. Sing every day. Sing everywhere; put your heart and soul into it. I can't say what will happen, but something WILL happen that will help you immensely.

If you would like to talk, drop me a line / PM. I'm a guy, true, but the Internet makes it so that people can talk to each other even despite their own fears

 

[zaney]

Hey Maria.
Don't take this the wrong way but I would strongly suggest you try eating a healthy diet and exercising for a few months. It's amazing how much more confident and better you will feel about yourself. Not because you will be losing weight, but because daily aerobic exercise releases serotonin. A lot of Doctors will agree that the best remedy for Anxiety/Depression is daily exercise. As for the bullying I've witnessed firsthand kids being severely bullied in highschool. Most of the time the ones doing the bullying have their own insecurities, so to feel better about themselves they project it on others. I'm at uni now and so far I haven't seen anyone being bullied (Although Backchat still occurs).
Just keep your chin up through highschool and try out the healthy eating / exercise routine for one month then see how you feel.

 

[Winterlong]

fresia it.
doesn't matters if you look like adriana lima or not. there's audience for everything. even if you have a hunchback you'll be a sex symbol for many.
I have or had the same problem. but I've already accepted it. EVEN when I had any girl I wanted and so many others were literally chasing me. A lot of them said to me that I'm handsome, but I always though that they just have a crappy taste. so... dont worry about that. it's something at personal level and that's all.