I either need better friends, or a better personality

[Dear-_-Tragedy]

So here's the thing. I moved back home from university because I will be commuting for the final year for various reasons. One of those reasons being I could see my old friends again. But they don't seem to like spending time with me. I'm usually always the one who organises events with them and if I don't then I get left out of events because I rarely invited to events (i'm talking about even casual social events; going to the pub, clubs, whatever). I found out that they are going on holiday without me. They claim they didn't want to tell me about it because they knew I wouldn't be able to afford it. On top of that this one guy organised it who I don't really know as well (let's call him bob).

Bob is a bit of a dick to put it nicely. So full of himself and everyone says this. For example, just last weekend I got talking to about 4 attractive girls while waiting for the train to go out. We were talking for ages and I really got on with them. They told me they will be going to a pub (that I know). I told my friends about it and I met them again. This time bob came over with me (I previously asked him to be my wingman) well some wingman he was. He just bigged himself up and didn't even mention me when we were talking to them. He ended up getting a contact and none of them asked me, the worst part about it is he already has a girlfriend!

Maybe I'm being pissed off with him because of my inability to get a girl more interested in me by doing it myself. I bet they originally talked to me as a stepping stone because they knew I may have better male friends to get with. Also today I saw a fb photo of them all together having fun in some unknown (to me) garden. It's like they have their own thing and then when they feel like it they think 'let's invite that guy (me) with no life' just to clear their conscience like i'm some kind of loser who they feel sorry for. Like I need help or something. I honestly feel like the Alan of the group (from the hangover) because I have always been the joker. I have had mental health problems and feel socially awkward most the time. But on top of that they hate me being included in social events (like trips etc.) I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I only ever seem to get friends with humour (usually where they laugh at me and not with me).

That said I do have some great friends too. Well four, they are real friends. But two of those four are too spineless and the 'nice guys' the 'yes men' of the group and they don't stand up for me or ask to invite me. I suppose this article I read is true, "The world only cares about what it can get from you". All I have to offer is being a laughing stock, the Alan of the group. No one cares about my creativity. I post things on fb now and then showing my art, music etc. but no one gives a honeysuckle most of the time.

Here is the link to that article by the way:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

I think it speaks the truth, sadly.
Do I need new friends or a new personality?

 

[Runciter]

I vote you need better friends. I can't see anything in there to indicate you need to change your personality, you're trying to do things with your friends, you seem to be getting on with the ladies, I do not see a problem here. The list however, I see a problem with:

6. The world only cares what it can get from you.
fresia the world, all its getting from me is my middle finger. I have nothing to prove to anyone and if society doesn't want me that I've got news for you society: I don't want you!

5. The hippies were wrong.
You're right. Peace and love sound like terrible things. Lets get back to raping and pillaging third world countries for profit.

4. What You Produce Does Not Have to Make Money, But It Does Have to Benefit People.
Bullshit. Most of the worlds greatest artists did what they did because they loved it. It just so happens that we all loved it too, they wasn't targeting us like some kind of marketing campaign. Frankly I doubt most of the greats really gave a fresia what people thought.

3. You hate yourself because you don't do anything.
There are times in my life where I enjoy nothing more than having a few days off to do bugger all. Hating yourself has nothing to do with what you do, but what you think.

2. What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do
The person who wrote this has some serious issues I think. "Who you are inside is meaningless aside from what it produces for other people." I create art and guess what dickface, I don't share my art with people because I don't need other people to validate my existence.

1. Everything Inside You Will Fight Improvement
I like that he includes: "Focusing on the Messenger to Avoid Hearing the Message," way to cover your back, perhaps this was only included because you knew your list was a worthless piece of honeysuckle and at least when people point it out to you you can say "Oh, I told you so, look I wrote it right there," again, I would like to offer you my middle finger. Though this time it would be nice if you could climb up there, impale yourself onto and and swivel. Thanks for the laughs though.

@OP
Don't judge yourself by other peoples standards. Do what makes you happy and be whoever you want to be. Don't listen to this guys shitty list unless you want to become another mindless ******* sheep following the rest of the mindless drones in society.

Edit:
Runciters Six tips that will make you a better person
1. Don't give a honeysuckle about what people think
2. Do what makes you happy
3. Spend time with people you actually like
4. Learn to accept yourself for who you are
5. Make up your own mind about things
6. Don't read any list on the internet that claims it can improve your live. That includes this one.

 

[Dear-_-Tragedy]

*poll created*

That was like one of the best replies I've ever seen I know all of this is true what you have said but i think the article has some merit even if I didn't agree with it entirely, did you actually read the tips fully? I like your tips too, I already do a lot of those things but it isn't working and that is the problem.

 

[Runciter]

*poll created*

That was like one of the best replies I've ever seen I know all of this is true what you have said but i think the article has some merit even if I didn't agree with it entirely, did you actually read the tips fully? I like your tips too, I already do a lot of those things but it isn't working and that is the problem.

To be honest I mostly skimmed it but I saw enough there to know that it is bullshit. Take the part on hippies, he wrote:
"Nice guy? I don't give a honeysuckle. Good father? fresia you! Go home and play with your kids. If you want to work here, close."
It's brutal, rude and borderline sociopathic, and also it is an honest and accurate expression of what the world is going to expect from you. The difference is that, in the real world, people consider it so wrong to talk to you that way that they've decided it's better to simply let you keep failing.
Sure, people like that might make more money but they certainly aren't going to be happier. So what, we should all stop fighting for peace and love and instead we should all become mentally deranged, power hungry cretins who make peoples lives miserable all in the name of a solid profit? fresia him. I think there is a good chance that this guy wrote this list purely to validate his own miserable existence. I wish people could just think for themselves and not pay attention to honeysuckle like this, the fact that it might effect someone like you pisses me off. If you're going to take anyones advice, try this:

I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.

 

[Dear-_-Tragedy]

At the end of the day you don't get love or peace without someone/people giving you something or offering you something to make you feel loved/peaceful. That being said I have basic human decency/beliefs/morals and I don't agree with "raping and pillaging third world countries for profit" either! Also, don't think for a second that I admire/look up to people like the character in that movie scene. For that matter the author of the article; I agree he is probably justifying his existence. However, that quote is just an exaggeration of reality in that if we want to survive this life, we have to offer something in return.

For example, you could be the nicest guy in the world and love everyone around you but if you have no skills to survive (i.e. you are good at cooking so you become a chef thus giving food to people and earning your keep) then you're going to have a hard time enjoying your life. It doesn't have to be a negative reality so long as you enjoy how you live your life, but how can you enjoy your life if no one likes you because you're so dependent on people around you?

You know, people use various skills to get them by: creativity, their looks, their intelligence etc. all of these traits imply they are used to offer things to people. For example, creativity is used to make art for people to enjoy. Finally to say "the fact it might effect someone like you pisses me off" is quite ironic and contradicting to your belief that people should think for themselves. I have read the article and I have formed my own opinion of it therefore I have thought for myself, some of it I agree we and some of it I don't, just like I do when exposed to/'effected' by countless other multimedia on a daily basis.

Sorry if I'm being a bit aggressive but I don't like it when people assume I am somebody ("someone like you") that I'm not and that I am easily effected by something I read which is funny considering I was clearly effected by what I read from you Runciter on a side note a totally agree with Jimmi Hendrix's advice, thanks for sharing it.

 

[Runciter]

At the end of the day you don't get love or peace without someone/people giving you something or offering you something to make you feel loved/peaceful. That being said I have basic human decency/beliefs/morals and I don't agree with "raping and pillaging third world countries for profit" either! Also, don't think for a second that I admire/look up to people like the character in that movie scene. For that matter the author of the article; I agree he is probably justifying his existence. However, that quote is just an exaggeration of reality in that if we want to survive this life, we have to offer something in return.

For example, you could be the nicest guy in the world and love everyone around you but if you have no skills to survive (i.e. you are good at cooking so you become a chef thus giving food to people and earning your keep) then you're going to have a hard time enjoying your life. It doesn't have to be a negative reality so long as you enjoy how you live your life, but how can you enjoy your life if no one likes you because you're so dependent on people around you?

It seems as though you're saying that you can't enjoy your life if no one likes you and no one will like you unless you have something to offer. If this is the case then you really need new friends. Friends should be people who accept you for who you are, not appreciate you're amazing skill as a chef. I really don't think we have to offer something to the world/people to be able to be happy in life.

You know, people use various skills to get them by: creativity, their looks, their intelligence etc. all of these traits imply they are used to offer things to people. For example, creativity is used to make art for people to enjoy. Finally to say "the fact it might effect someone like you pisses me off" is quite ironic and contradicting to your belief that people should think for themselves. I have read the article and I have formed my own opinion of it therefore I have thought for myself, some of it I agree we and some of it I don't, just like I do when exposed to/'effected' by countless other multimedia on a daily basis.

I had no way to know that you had made any kind of decision based on the article and my use of the word might should make it clear that my statement was hypothetical. It pisses me off because people might take this guys word for the truth instead of thinking for themselves, it would piss me off just as much if you completely agreed with everything I said without question. So I don't see any contradiction or irony there, but perhaps I could have been more clear on the matter.

Sorry if I'm being a bit aggressive but I don't like it when people assume I am somebody ("someone like you") that I'm not and that I am easily effected by something I read which is funny considering I was clearly effected by what I read from you Runciter on a side note a totally agree with Jimmi Hendrix's advice, thanks for sharing it.

Don't worry about it, when I said "someone like you," I didn't mean to generalize you in anyway, I just meant the kind of person who could be influenced by such an article. I only came to the conclusion that you were one of these people because of the topic you posted and the question you asked. It just gets on my tits to think that people might be influenced by one persons opinions when those opinions are what I what consider to be mostly immoral.

Of course there is irony to the fact that I say this in a post in which I am giving advice to someone. After all, you might think of my opinions as immoral. But I didn't say "Focusing on the Messenger to Avoid Hearing the Message," because not only do I not give a honeysuckle what people think about my views but I wholeheartedly encourage people to ignore everything I say if they instead would rather make up their own minds and form their own opinions on the subject.

 

[I'm Not a Doctor]

Well, I voted for both and I'm the only vote for personality so now I feel bad..

I think you should get new friends, although I don't think you should cut your ties with your current friends either. I also voted for personality not because I think your personality is bad but because I think you can still correct your bad relationship with Bob. Since you said you guys don't know each other well, that might be why he is reluctant to invite you to his events. Also people tend to dislike people that dislike them (confusing sentence). I think if you had the chance to really talk to Bob I think you guys can still get along with each other. Try asking one of your closer friends in the group and Bob together for lunch or something?

 

[hye345]

I vote you need better friends. I can't see anything in there to indicate you need to change your personality, you're trying to do things with your friends, you seem to be getting on with the ladies, I do not see a problem here. The list however, I see a problem with:

6. The world only cares what it can get from you.
fresia the world, all its getting from me is my middle finger. I have nothing to prove to anyone and if society doesn't want me that I've got news for you society: I don't want you!

5. The hippies were wrong.
You're right. Peace and love sound like terrible things. Lets get back to raping and pillaging third world countries for profit.

4. What You Produce Does Not Have to Make Money, But It Does Have to Benefit People.
Bullshit. Most of the worlds greatest artists did what they did because they loved it. It just so happens that we all loved it too, they wasn't targeting us like some kind of marketing campaign. Frankly I doubt most of the greats really gave a fresia what people thought.

3. You hate yourself because you don't do anything.
There are times in my life where I enjoy nothing more than having a few days off to do bugger all. Hating yourself has nothing to do with what you do, but what you think.

2. What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do
The person who wrote this has some serious issues I think. "Who you are inside is meaningless aside from what it produces for other people." I create art and guess what dickface, I don't share my art with people because I don't need other people to validate my existence.

1. Everything Inside You Will Fight Improvement
I like that he includes: "Focusing on the Messenger to Avoid Hearing the Message," way to cover your back, perhaps this was only included because you knew your list was a worthless piece of honeysuckle and at least when people point it out to you you can say "Oh, I told you so, look I wrote it right there," again, I would like to offer you my middle finger. Though this time it would be nice if you could climb up there, impale yourself onto and and swivel. Thanks for the laughs though.

@OP
Don't judge yourself by other peoples standards. Do what makes you happy and be whoever you want to be. Don't listen to this guys shitty list unless you want to become another mindless ******* sheep following the rest of the mindless drones in society.

Edit:
Runciters Six tips that will make you a better person
1. Don't give a honeysuckle about what people think
2. Do what makes you happy
3. Spend time with people you actually like
4. Learn to accept yourself for who you are
5. Make up your own mind about things
6. Don't read any list on the internet that claims it can improve your live. That includes this one.

Runciter, I think you took this list (which isn't perfect, but it has many valid areas), and turned it into a massive hyperbole.

The world only cares what it can get from you.
This probably isn't the case with one's close friends, or asking individual strangers for small favors; I'd even say that most people wouldn't think of themselves this way. As such, it should be taken with a grain of salt. However, there are some people who think this way, and often these people are in the position of being able to offer you major assistance (a job, a loan, etc...). Completely ignoring this is foolish.

The hippies were wrong.
I'd say this is pretty accurate actually (again, outside of one's circle of friends). No, this doesn't mean that we have to revert all the way to the Dark ages and rape until we drop, and I don't agree with Baldwin's character in that video. There is a place for compassion. However, you shouldn't automatically count on it to save you. Everyone should fit somewhere into the fabric of society in order to keep it going.

What You Produce Does Not Have to Make Money, But It Does Have to Benefit People.
This is a continuation of the previous point. I actually think that your artist example was in line with what the article said: it doesn't have to make money, but it does have to benefit people. In this case, even if the artists were paupers, their art still benefited the world, and as a result the artists gained respect. But that's why we've heard of them, and that's why they are considered great artists: it's BECAUSE people and society liked their creations. The ones who weren't good enough artists to do it as a career (yes, I realize "good" art is subjective) had to find other means to sustain themselves, and their art became a hobby.

You hate yourself because you don't do anything.
If you are a very busy person, then obviously this advice doesn't stick (at least not directly). However, the article was directed towards those who are stuck in a rut. Having been in that situation, I agree with the author: Yes, a few hours of spare time is good to clear one's head. However, have too much spare time, and negative thoughts multiply and your mind goes in the dumper. Yes, self esteem is about feeling good, but you can only fool your brain so much with positive affirmations alone; by actually doing something (good), you now have an actual reason to feel better about yourself.

What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do
I'd say this is true, as far as the outside world is concerned. That is, if you only want to convince yourself that you are funny/compassionate/smart, then ok. But people can't read your brain, they can only see your actions.

Everything Inside You Will Fight Improvement
Sadly this is mostly true. Motivation seems to come in spurts. I actually read somewhere that willpower is a finite mental resource

 

[Runciter]

Runciter, I think you took this list (which isn't perfect, but it has many valid areas), and turned it into a massive hyperbole.

Yeah, there was some slight exaggeration on my part.

Still, the whole list seems to give me the impression that the author cares far too much about what society thinks about him than what he thinks about himself. I can see the reasoning behind some of his comments but I agree with very few of them. I can't be bothered to go into details because it's about time I made myself some breakfast and this thread has already become a little Runciter-heavy. If you want to talk about it more you're more than welcome to PM me, but I will say that I am glad at least that you're coming to your own conclusions.

Have you made any decisions as to what to do about your friends/personality?

 

[hye345]

Runciter, I think you took this list (which isn't perfect, but it has many valid areas), and turned it into a massive hyperbole.

Yeah, there was some slight exaggeration on my part.

Still, the whole list seems to give me the impression that the author cares far too much about what society thinks about him than what he thinks about himself. I can see the reasoning behind some of his comments but I agree with very few of them. I can't be bothered to go into details because it's about time I made myself some breakfast and this thread has already become a little Runciter-heavy. If you want to talk about it more you're more than welcome to PM me, but I will say that I am glad at least that you're coming to your own conclusions.

Have you made any decisions as to what to do about your friends/personality?

I'd like to take the pragmatic middle road in issues like this. I won't revamp my whole personality (at least not on purpose), but I will try to tweak certain traits, maybe give new interests a try.

 

[Dear-_-Tragedy]

@hye345
/\ This. I have recently got a new job, got into writing a book, my music is gaining some interest, been playing badminton now and then and I have got back into contact with an old friend again. Basically now I am more busy with hobbies and helping people in my job I feel happier and have more self respect. I didn't change my personality, not consciously. I think if anything my change in behavior and activity has made me more pleasant and now my friends are the ones changing the way they interact with me/treat me. It's all good

And your interpretation of the article was pretty much what I was struggling to explain. However I think it runs a bit deeper than that. I believe people do only need us for their own gain; they need us for what we can offer whether close to us or not. Think about it. Even bringing humour, entertainment, friendship, trust, love, support etc. to your closest ones are all things that you give them whether you do it consciously or not; things that they need. I am happy to offer what I can because I feel better about myself through offering these traits. That's why in a group of friends there's always that 'joker' guy who makes people laugh, or the 'nerd/clever' guy who knows all the important stuff. It's an invisible transaction of needs that keep us all happy. We all have our role (which may change if we feel like it) in the machine of society.

 

[hye345]

@hye345
/\ This. I have recently got a new job, got into writing a book, my music is gaining some interest, been playing badminton now and then and I have got back into contact with an old friend again. Basically now I am more busy with hobbies and helping people in my job I feel happier and have more self respect. I didn't change my personality, not consciously. I think if anything my change in behavior and activity has made me more pleasant and now my friends are the ones changing the way they interact with me/treat me. It's all good

Exactly. Everyone seems to think that changing their personality in any way is "selling out". I think this is a childish way to look at it; it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Often, its the little things that make all the difference, like getting into new hobbies/interests. Of course, there is no rule for having to do this at all, but anyone who chooses to remain completely oblivious should accept what that entails, instead of reducing the whole outside world to "sheeple" because they don't walk your path.

And your interpretation of the article was pretty much what I was struggling to explain. However I think it runs a bit deeper than that. I believe people do only need us for their own gain; they need us for what we can offer whether close to us or not. Think about it. Even bringing humour, entertainment, friendship, trust, love, support etc. to your closest ones are all things that you give them whether you do it consciously or not; things that they need. I am happy to offer what I can because I feel better about myself through offering these traits. That's why in a group of friends there's always that 'joker' guy who makes people laugh, or the 'nerd/clever' guy who knows all the important stuff. It's an invisible transaction of needs that keep us all happy. We all have our role (which may change if we feel like it) in the machine of society.

I agree with this 100%. Runciter, you mentioned earlier that you only skimmed the article. I'd suggest you go back and give it an honest, open-minded read.

 

[Runciter]

I agree with this 100%. Runciter, you mentioned earlier that you only skimmed the article. I'd suggest you go back and give it an honest, open-minded read.

I reread the article more thoroughly afterwards but didn't bother adding to my original post because I still largely don't agree with a lot of it. I don't much fancy going through and critiquing the whole thing again so I'll just point out some things from my perspective.

Exactly. Everyone seems to think that changing their personality in any way is "selling out". I think this is a childish way to look at it; it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Often, its the little things that make all the difference, like getting into new hobbies/interests.

I agree with this entirely, but new hobbies and interests don't offer anything to society, which the article seems to indicate makes them pointless. This is one of my major issues with it, the author seems to equate happiness with what one can offer society whereas a lot of my happiness comes from when I'm detached from society.

I used to do a lot of downhill mountain biking. All on my own, just me and my music. What does that offer? So why did it make me feel so happy? Nowadays I spend a few days camping wild in the national parks. Again, cut off from society, just me and my backpack, and it fills me with a massive sense of peace, tranquillity and happiness and yet it offers society nothing.

Of course, there is no rule for having to do this at all, but anyone who chooses to remain completely oblivious should accept what that entails, instead of reducing the whole outside world to "sheeple" because they don't walk your path.

My idea of a sheep isn't someone that doesn't follow my path, it is someone who doesn't follow their own path. Anyone who follows me, this article or anything else someone tells them is a sheep. I prefer the idea of a world full of individuals with the capability to set their own values and beliefs about life, not a world where everyone is trying their hardest to conform to what society deems appropriate.

I have recently got a new job, got into writing a book, my music is gaining some interest, been playing badminton now and then and I have got back into contact with an old friend again. Basically now I am more busy with hobbies and helping people in my job I feel happier and have more self respect. I didn't change my personality, not consciously. I think if anything my change in behavior and activity has made me more pleasant and now my friends are the ones changing the way they interact with me/treat me. It's all good

This is good to hear, I'm glad you're improving your happiness. Let me give you my perspective though. I recently had my hours cut giving me more free time, I've been writing a lot of music and poetry with no intention of ever sharing it with anyone and I've just ended the most important relationship I've ever built in my life. I too am going through a change in behavior, and I too have been doing things to give me more self respect and confidence but I'm actually offering less to society. According to the article, I should be pretty miserable right now but I actually feel in control of my own life for the first time in years.

I am happy to offer what I can because I feel better about myself through offering these traits. That's why in a group of friends there's always that 'joker' guy who makes people laugh, or the 'nerd/clever' guy who knows all the important stuff. It's an invisible transaction of needs that keep us all happy. We all have our role (which may change if we feel like it) in the machine of society.

I'm similar in a sense, in a large group of friends I am generally the center of attention, a confident extrovert. But this is just on the surface. This is some kind of defense mechanism that I have developed over the years. I dislike who I can become around groups of people, especially ones I'm not familiar with. My persona becomes something acceptable to society, which is why people are often drawn to me. But it isn't me and it pains me to be that person. There are very few people I've known in life who I've let in to see the real me, unmasked. I've been rejected in some cases because of this, because I'm not conforming to a societal stereotype. But at the same time those people who accepted me for who I really went on to develop meaningful relationships with me because they share a similarity, they too are hiding in plain sight.

So do I follow the list, choose to become something that feels wrong to me and loose my happiness for the sake of fitting in and being able to offer something to society at large? Or do I keep my own core values and beliefs, maintain my own identity, self respect and happiness at the risk of being shunned as an outsider? Sure I might make more friends if I choose to fit in but those friends would mean very little to me. Yet if I stick to my guns the relationships that I build will be much deeper but also much fewer and less frequent.

Hopefully this will clear up why I feel the way I do about the matter. I'm not really trying to influence your decisions with this post, just clearing up my views.

 

[Dear-_-Tragedy]

What is the best way to find new friends? My friends are being pricks again, ignoring my calls, texts, messages, saying we'd meet up then not falling through. I don't get it. I just don't get it. Ignorance. That's what it is, everyone is/was ignorant towards me. My family, my girlfriends, my friends. The worst part is they never give me an excuse. And if they do it is weak as fresia like they want me to know they made it up. I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I'm starved for attention and just desperate so I repel people. But I know I have been the life of the party in the past and I know I could make knew friends but how can I be the life of a party i'm not invited to?