I wish I could go to be with them.

[Tiina63]

It is 17 years since my dad died and 14 years since my mum died, and there was another loss 18 years ago which I can't write about as it still hurts too much. In my heart of hearts I wish every day that I could go and join them and sometimes this longing is stronger than at other times. Today it is tearing me apart. Why do I have to be the only one left? It hurts so much. If only I could have even half an hour with them. I believe that we will see each other when I pass as well, and this is the only thing which keeps me going.
I don't think I appreciated them enough when they were here. I was so obsessed with meeting 'the one' that I didn't give enough value to the people I already had. My dad was lovely-he was the kindest, most unselfish person I have ever met. I was so lucky to have the best dad in the world.
I try to build a life for myself, but the emptiness is frequently so overwhelming.

 

[Tealeaf]

Family is... complicated. I don't think, toxic situations aside, that most people truly appreciate family until they're a little older and are finished trying to "strike out on their own" with finding work, living space, and a partner. There's no shame in it, it's just a phase of development that people go through for better or for worse.

My own father has early signs of Alzheimer's and just finished treatment for prostate cancer, and we've only just started spending time together again after being distant since shortly before I entered my teenage years. I've had to spend a lot of time thinking about how much there's time to repair, and what parts of the past should or shouldn't be brought up (what parts might be forcefully brought up if/when his mind goes). Emotions don't just reappear out of nowhere in this family, and I'm always conscience of the distance I wish wasn't there when we're talking.

The conclusion I've come to is simply that our relationship will never be what it was when I was 4, let alone perfect, and that's just life. Life's not perfect because it's comprised of imperfect people, and that's okay. People are difficult, flawed, and inconvenient, and yet we still manage whether we're living in poverty or luxury, whether we're close or distant, and whether we're selfish teenagers or regretful adults.

Sorry you're going through such a rough period.

 

[ladyforsaken]

There's always something in life we regret so very much to the core that we wish we could turn back time. I wished I was by my father's side when he gave his last breath, but **** I was just too stupid or something. Well, I didn't know he was going to die in the ambulance on the road. I regretted it so much, for a while I kinda blamed myself but I got over it because really, it was beyond my control and it is very heartbreaking that he had to go, all alone, like that.

I feel you, Tiina. Maybe not the same way but in similar ways. I hope you continue to have the strength to keep going and build a better life for yourself and to never give up. I'm sure they would want the same of you. *hugs*

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you for your kind replies.
Tealeaf-I agree so much with you that many of us don't appreciate our families till we are much older. I wish now that I could have a good long talk with dad, the way we used to. My family was not ideal by any means-there were many problems with my mum-but I do wish that they were still here.
I was their carer for a number of years and at times the frustration could be overwhelming but at least I did it to the best of my ability.
ladyforsaken-I am so sorry that you couldn't be in the ambulance with your father, but he would have been so ill that he would not even have realised who was or was not there with him. He will have known that you loved him and this is the important thing.
I wasn't with mum when she passed over. The hospital called to say she was going but it was three nights before Christmas and by the time I was able to get through to a taxi company (the lines of several were busy and whenn I did get through to one, it was a twenty minute wait till they could come for me) and get to the hospital, she had gone.

 

[reloadlife23]

It is 17 years since my dad died and 14 years since my mum died, and there was another loss 18 years ago which I can't write about as it still hurts too much. In my heart of hearts I wish every day that I could go and join them and sometimes this longing is stronger than at other times. Today it is tearing me apart. Why do I have to be the only one left? It hurts so much. If only I could have even half an hour with them. I believe that we will see each other when I pass as well, and this is the only thing which keeps me going.
I don't think I appreciated them enough when they were here. I was so obsessed with meeting 'the one' that I didn't give enough value to the people I already had. My dad was lovely-he was the kindest, most unselfish person I have ever met. I was so lucky to have the best dad in the world.
I try to build a life for myself, but the emptiness is frequently so overwhelming.

I know what it is to be alone, but I use that aloneness to draw me closer to God. I go through the emptiness and pain of the past mistakes I have made. God for gives, and has forgiven us, but, the entity won't let us forgive ourselves. I am a lot older than you,
And I don't waste a moment wanting to be with the dead. God for bid.
Put your life to use, there are plenty of lost souls on earth to help.
the past is dead we have to let them rest in peace without drawing essence from the dead.
Bear the pain and come closer to God.
I meditate with one that keeps me alert to such thoughts .
I just keep self understanding, Sometimes the pain draws me in too, but, I put it to good use.
Wake up and smell the roses, get involved in self understanding, we have a lot to learn before God takes us.
Want to try the meditation? go to FHU.COM iT'S A CALL IN PROGRAM IN CASE YOU HAVE A QUESTION. MON-fRI 9-11

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

I am so sorry for your losses

((((((hugs)))))))