I'm confused about how I should be(venting)

[Remedy]

I know I shouldn't feel this way but I guess I can't help it. I've noticed that kindness gets you no where and maybe I should just try to be a prick instead. There's hardly anyone out there who likes someone who is kind and it makes no sense to me . It seems like maybe you need to be a cocky,confident, and a prick to get anywhere in life.

I have heard about stories with people who met and the guy was pretty nice so I guess I still have hope but it seems so small. I have a friend where he dumped his girlfriend because he wants to be player, yet this girl still comes to try and be with him. I don't know it's just so confusing and makes me extremely sad.

I just want to be loved and love someone someday, is that too much to ask? I know I'm a nice person but maybe I'm just too much of a shy, quiet, uninteresting, ignorant, loser to attract anyone . Just going on everyday without anyone pains me so much, so I feel like I need a relationship. For anyone who says I don't need one than why are you in one or looking for one? Being on this earth for 22 years and still have been falling asleep by myself just feels so painful. I don't know maybe I should become a prick to attract someone but I know I don't want to be. I don't know how much longer I can take being alone. I'm still trying to change but I've hit a little snag in my life.

 

[packyourbags]

Hey Remedy.
i know that it is a very small comfort, if at all, but nice is kinda a reward in it's own self. and being a prick gets you nowhere in the end.

i think that what you really need to work on is being ok with yourself now, even without a relationship. and what i mean is, get a job, meet people, and just try to take it one day at a time.

(hug)

i understand just how painful being alone feels. don't give up though.
you are an awesome person, and a great friend. i am sure you will find your person in the end

 

[Badjedidude]

There's a difference between arrogance and confidence....and I think the biggest problem that most people have is not knowing the difference between the two.

Women think that pricks are confident, when really they are just arrogant ass-holes. It's the same for guys, too. Guys think that they have to be ass-holes to show confidence...and that's just wrong. The most confident men I have ever seen actually tended to be quietly strong/imposing rather than outwardly loud or active just like a prick/********* tends to be.

I know I'm a nice person but maybe I'm just too much of a shy, quiet, uninteresting, ignorant, loser to attract anyone.

I don't think that's true. I think you're really nice and interesting...but are you giving yourself a chance? I think you should base your decisions not on what you think OTHERS think....but on what you've actually experienced. Go ahead and give it your best! Go out and try the nice-guy thing first, but be confident about it.

In my experience, confidence is honesty. If you're with a girl and you're nervous, tell her, and just try to be calm. If you're excited, tell her. And on and on. I don't think you should give up on being a nice guy, if that's who you are inside...because that's going to be your most important and priceless asset in any future relationship that you have.

Confidence is about being sure of what you're saying to a woman....not about saying something jack-assed to her. It's about treating a woman right, but not sacrificing everything you are to do so. Let a girl know you have boundaries and limits to your patience for bullshit and she'll see confidence and respect it.

One reason that a lot of nice guys fail with women is because they cave in too much. Many nice guys will do ANYTHING a woman asks him to, no matter how much it causes the guy to sacrifice his own goals or interests. Trust me on this: Women don't want a push-over. Women want to be with a guy who will tell her "NO!" every now and then, and mean it. Seriously....it's not being rude or arrogant to tell a woman to "fresia off" sometimes....only when you do it all of the time does it become arrogance.

Finally, I think that if you meet a girl by ACTING arrogant/confident, you're going to have to fake that until one of you leaves the other or dies....and that's a game I don't think you'll want to end up playing.

So just be yourself, and don't give up yet! You're a nice guy! You don't need prick-ness to get women, you need confidence!! And a good part of that comes from getting out into the trenches and braving the field of fire to work on meeting as many women as possible.

----Steve

 

[Remedy]

Sorry for posting another negative thread once again but I was just feeling bad for the last few days. My best friend of whom I've know since I was 13 got me feeling a lot better. He told me without me ever saying anything because I don't tell anyone really anything except besides online friends or these forums. He came out and told me that most girls would kill to have a guy like me but I can't really believe it :/.

It made me feel really good because it came from one of my best friends of whom I've known for like 9 years. He just told me that too many girls go for the jerks or settle for them because they feel there is nothing else. He told me there are too many stupid guys and girls out there who get mixed up in this. Whether it be the guys who are jerks or the girls who settle for them. I know it might not be true but it still made me feel better coming from someone as awesome as my friend who I have known for so long.

I think I'll try to believe it because I know I'm extremely nice and caring but I don't know about the other factors. Such as being interesting and attractive. I know that I'm a guy who would never cheat, be extremely loyal, and wait until a girl is ready to do anything. I at least know I'm a wonderful person when it comes to these aspects of myself. So I'm going to stay nice even if it doesn't seem like many girls fall for guys like me (at least what my friend said).

If my friend said it, hopefully it is true :/. I know many people on here wouldn't believe I am because I come across as extremely negative and idiotic. Offline, I am different because I don't whine or complain at all. The only place i act this way is online, and I'm very sorry about that but I feel I have no where else to. Girls usually never give me a chance but when i finally meet one offline, I'll try to be the best person I can be, and I will never be a jerk.

If people don't think its true because they think I'm ugly, i just won't listen to them because love is deeper than that. I just hope people like that run into bad relationships and jerks, is that cruel of me because im just bitter. I know I'm a special person in my own way and the right person would be lucky to have me, hopefully :/. It's just about finding a girl who likes nice guys and isn't shallow I guess. I think very deeply about certain things and can be very loving if allowed to be. I know I'm much different than any typical guy and I just hope someone can see that in me. Sorry for venting again but at least this post was partially postive I guess.

 

[Bells]

You sound a lot like me. I too, have a fairly low self esteem and very rarely open myself up to people in person. Online, however, or with one or two friends I trust, I allow myself to ***** a little. Bitching a little is good. To me, it can be one of the most honest and true-to-yourself things you can do. If it helps you feel better, I say do it. A friend of mine a while back committed suicide. No one saw it coming. I can only wonder if perhaps all he needed was someone to listen to him and accept that he didn't have a halo on 24/7. So be a little negative sometimes. It's really okay .

I agree with your friend! You sound like an absolute sweetheart and I wish I could make copies of you and hand you out to all my single friends in need of a good guy!

Now that I think of it, I bet there are quite a few nice guys like you out there. But I'll never know it, because most of them will never even give me the opportunity to find that out. I'm a person with needs and concerns, too. I can't just invest myself into trying to figure out every potentially nice boy I see. Get yourself out on the market .

Most girls--scratch that--girls that are worth your time will hardly care at all about your looks. (The only thing they do tend to care about is hygiene, mind. ) I've dated three guys, and the best looking one was the one I value the least in hindsight. The most physically unattractive was my first love, and the one I am still trying to get over is average looking. Was I initially attracted to them physically? No. I had to get to know them, I'll admit. But once I did, it didn't matter one bit. Emotional and sexual intensity follow, trust me. Looks are just a plus.

Edited to say that I just read a couple more posts (probably should have done that in the first place hehe), and there were some really good points mentioned. I've always wondered, too, why the bitchy, very dominant, and almost cold-hearted girls were the ones in happy, long-term relationships, but quieter girls like me are single. Ultimately, it comes down to what you want...do you want to make YOU happy or be a pawn to make someone ELSE happy, and therefore create this weird artificial, dysfunctional happiness amongst you two?

And BJD (?) is absolutely right about putting your foot down every now and then. I'd say that most of us girls WANT a guy to grab us by the shoulders, look us in the eye, and tell us to breathe every now and then. I think subconsciously, it takes a big weight off our shoulders.

 

[shells]

It's OK to vent and be negative once in awhile. You can't wear a happy mask all of the time - it will eat away at you. I know it can be frustrating when things don't seem to be fair. Just keep trying, I know you got it in you.


A lot of people already offered some great advice, including your friend. If you ever need to talk or vent, feel free to send me a PM anytime.

 

[Nitramici]

You shouldn't blame everything on you being a nice guy, that's a reallyyy bad way of looking at it (and you seem to overuse this). Your social skills are probably just lacking, while those so-called jerks have a easier time approaching people and being fun to be with immediately (wether ir not this lasts later on). I'm pretty sure you know that if you started being a prick tomorrow, you'd probably just fall flat on your face lol. Don't try it!

Confidence also seems to be something essential in most cases, which you can only gain if you start feeling better about yourself. Really, maybe you should try joining many groups? I'm gonna take a guess here and say you probably don't share a lot in common with the outgoing people, so it's hard to relate and converse with them, while the more timid girls probably will seem hard to approach too, for completely different reasons. Your best bet would be doing something where you can meet people who share something with you. it'll also make you feel much better about yourself.

I'm just saying, actively looking for girls won't get you anywhere, unless you're lucky, I think (not that I'm in any way an expert ). Doing activities and stuff would work much better. As an example, I'm definitely not the popular type, but the few times that a girl was interested in me came from people I knew in groups I was taking part of. (a badminton team and an improvisation group, probably not your kind of stuff? But I'm sure you have stuff you'd like to do).

I mean, if you don't have any activities you like, don't like partying, don't have many friends, etc...it's gonna be hard to interest someone. People want their relationship to be fun!

And seriously, you wouldn't care as much about girls if you had more stuff to do (that you enjoy!). it's not a prerequisite to happiness, unless you convince yourself it is. The media (and society) can be really pushy about it, but don't be influenced.

On a final note, jerks, players, etc, aren't necessarily any happier than others, you know. I've known people seemingly happier than 90% of the population (yay random percentage figures!) who didn't have any bf/gf. Just because someone is in a relationship doesn,t me you should envy him. I know full well I wouldn't match with most girls, so if I see someone with a girl I wouldn't even feel comfortable with, I don't care.

 

[Badjedidude]

And BJD (?)

Haha that seems to be the most accepted shortening of my name around here...lol so that's fine.

From reading the posts in here, I can say that everyone seems to be fairly spot-on with their views and advice. Honestly, I was expecting someone to come along and spout some generalizations or something, but from what I see everyone has the right attitude and is giving excellent advice..

...so good job, everyone!

And REMEDY: I think you should listen to your friend. 9 years is long enough for him to really know you and your situation, much better than any of us here are able to....and if he says you're a catch, then chances are, you're a catch. Hold your head up with pride and know it for truth, man....that's the beginnings of your confidence.

----Steve