DrunkenMonkey
Well-known member
Ok so i am here on this site cause my heart was broken... again.
When i was 24 my heart was broken but funny thing was i was the one to do the breaking up. She was 20 when we met and i was 22. We had so much fun together, we fell in love and enjoyed spending all our time together. After a 2 year relationship things changed a bit. She started going out with her friends more, which i encouraged as we were both still young and her friends meant alot to her. Well i started to notice after a while that she seemed to feel she was missing something. That something was experience. Now i wasnt much older but already had a daughter and i had to grow up fast so naturally i was a bit farther along than her in the "experience" category.
Regardless, i always agreed with the old adage, "If you love someone, set them free. If they return, then its meant to be."
So i ended it explaining to her she needed to see more of whats out there before settling down with me. It was one the hardest things i ever did, and yes it sucked. It broke my heart and she was hurt as well. But she did not return to me as i'd hoped. We still consider each other friends, but from a distance after all these years. There is more to this story but i need to move on.
Over time, my heart healed and i continued my life. I dated more than a few ladies but i never truly opened my heart to any of them. I had moved on but i was not willing to allow myself to the possibilities.
When i was 28-29 i met a woman and she was awesome! I did open myself to her and we got along great. Things progressed and i fell in love again. I thought, finally someone to be with and be happy with forever. She was a funny, smart, and a beautiful woman... but alas things fell apart. Again more to this story but this post is getting lengthy already.
After her and i broke up, i cursed the world. I cursed all that lived in the world, i cursed the power of Love. I cursed the skies and earth. I cursed God and all the powers that be. Now im not religious but at this point in my life, i wanted to curse everything. Worst of all, I cursed myself. I vowed to grow old alone and become a bitter old man. I wanted nothing to do with love ever again. I actually called for evil to enter my heart, turn it black so that i would never be privy to the feelings of love again. Only thing that mattered to me was my daughter. The rest of the world could go fresia itself for all i cared.
I became very introverted but i continued living. Again time progressed and as i felt better, i started dating again. But again i refused to let myself truly care enough about someone for any relationship to last more than a couple months. I think my best friends wife said it best just recently. She has known me 7 years and not until last year did i have a real girlfriend. But it did happen.
I met Wendy when i wasnt even looking. She came upon me like a hurricane and actually swept ME off my feet. She is an amazing woman whom i miss dearly. But she broke down my walls when we met. And i got through her walls she had built as well. She hadnt dated anyone in over 4 years before we met so she was just as guarded, if not more than i was. Our relationship started off like a whirlwind of emotions and after a time, i allowed myself to love again.
Oh man i miss her so very much.
I have never met anyone that felt exactly the way i do about the world. About our views on religion, politics, family, and the world in general. It seemed we were made for each other. We spent all our extra time together even though she is a single mom of 2 boys and works for a global corporation. I have my own life of course and my daughter being my top priority. But we made time for each other and things seemed to be blissful.
Then the "curse" hit again. This is my fault i know, cause i asked for it.
She started becoming more distant and even seemed irritated when we talked. Me being me, and i hate playing games, i prefer the direct approach... i mentioned to her that i felt she was losing interest in us. This happened to be the truth of the matter unfortunately.
I should have known something would go wrong when on our first date she mentioned Murphy's Law.
I asked her what she meant, and she replied, "Your not supposed to like the first person you date after so long. But I really like you and could see this working between us."
This blew me away at the time because we did talk at length on the phone numerous nights before our first date and i knew she was absolutely amazing. I think this is why i let my guard down with her right from the start. And vice versa.
Anyway, Wendy explained that she didnt feel we were meant for each other and that it would be best to end it now rather than later and hurt me even more. Im not sure that would be possible, but what could i say? I told her i think she is wrong but she was adament in her view. So we are no longer together. Again i cursed the world and life and all it consists of. Im truly cursed to live alone and grow up bitter right?
This happened 2 weeks ago and i have been going through some serious mood swings. Im not very good company and all i want to do is crawl into a bottle. I have been living on a liquid diet since that day and i know its not healthy, so i been working out even more to counteract this. Besides it gives me something to do and release some of my pent up rage i feel.
Well the last couple of days i have sat and read many posts by you all. I have thought things over and over. The thought process has come full circle.
Im 36 yrs. old now and alone again. But i have loved more profoundly than most, 3 seperate times in my life. The last being the most in my opinion.
Aside from that, this is life. It has its ups and downs. If life was easy and all full of joy, then no one would be evil. No one would feel sorrow, no one would kill others or themselves. Earth would be Eden incarnate. But this isnt the case.
With that said, i look at our own lives as a little ant hill. The ant hill doesnt mean much in the big scheme of things, but it is OUR ANT HILL. It builds up to what WE want it to be. When life is going well, we build it up high and revel in its complexity. When life is going bad, we break it down grain by grain. We want to break it down to nothingness cause we dont care what happens. This, i think is universal.
Just keep in mind your ant hill is yours and yours alone. No one else can build it up or break it down but you. Only you can get you where you want to be in this crazy world.
Im getting older and have seen some craziness in this life so far, but learning and growing never ends. Love and loss are a part of this. It does happen more than not. Just dont curse yourself like i did so long ago and shut yourself out of the possibilities.
Those of you so young and searching so hard for love, think about this. Maybe you are looking too hard. Enjoy your life, do the things you enjoy doing. Live life to its fullest and learn to love yourself. When you learn to love yourself, you will find it easier to love someone else and be able to give that person all of you.
DONT be bitter, it only breeds negativity, and no one really wants to be around that do they? Find yourself, and someone will find you.
No matter what age, dont give up hope. but dont rely on it either. Make your way in the world and become happy with you, that will be the turning point.
You are all beautiful in your own way. You just have to find that out for yourself.
Morale of the story: Sometimes you need to cry, so you can smile again. All we can do is keep on keepin on... make it so!
Tim
When i was 24 my heart was broken but funny thing was i was the one to do the breaking up. She was 20 when we met and i was 22. We had so much fun together, we fell in love and enjoyed spending all our time together. After a 2 year relationship things changed a bit. She started going out with her friends more, which i encouraged as we were both still young and her friends meant alot to her. Well i started to notice after a while that she seemed to feel she was missing something. That something was experience. Now i wasnt much older but already had a daughter and i had to grow up fast so naturally i was a bit farther along than her in the "experience" category.
Regardless, i always agreed with the old adage, "If you love someone, set them free. If they return, then its meant to be."
So i ended it explaining to her she needed to see more of whats out there before settling down with me. It was one the hardest things i ever did, and yes it sucked. It broke my heart and she was hurt as well. But she did not return to me as i'd hoped. We still consider each other friends, but from a distance after all these years. There is more to this story but i need to move on.
Over time, my heart healed and i continued my life. I dated more than a few ladies but i never truly opened my heart to any of them. I had moved on but i was not willing to allow myself to the possibilities.
When i was 28-29 i met a woman and she was awesome! I did open myself to her and we got along great. Things progressed and i fell in love again. I thought, finally someone to be with and be happy with forever. She was a funny, smart, and a beautiful woman... but alas things fell apart. Again more to this story but this post is getting lengthy already.
After her and i broke up, i cursed the world. I cursed all that lived in the world, i cursed the power of Love. I cursed the skies and earth. I cursed God and all the powers that be. Now im not religious but at this point in my life, i wanted to curse everything. Worst of all, I cursed myself. I vowed to grow old alone and become a bitter old man. I wanted nothing to do with love ever again. I actually called for evil to enter my heart, turn it black so that i would never be privy to the feelings of love again. Only thing that mattered to me was my daughter. The rest of the world could go fresia itself for all i cared.
I became very introverted but i continued living. Again time progressed and as i felt better, i started dating again. But again i refused to let myself truly care enough about someone for any relationship to last more than a couple months. I think my best friends wife said it best just recently. She has known me 7 years and not until last year did i have a real girlfriend. But it did happen.
I met Wendy when i wasnt even looking. She came upon me like a hurricane and actually swept ME off my feet. She is an amazing woman whom i miss dearly. But she broke down my walls when we met. And i got through her walls she had built as well. She hadnt dated anyone in over 4 years before we met so she was just as guarded, if not more than i was. Our relationship started off like a whirlwind of emotions and after a time, i allowed myself to love again.
Oh man i miss her so very much.
I have never met anyone that felt exactly the way i do about the world. About our views on religion, politics, family, and the world in general. It seemed we were made for each other. We spent all our extra time together even though she is a single mom of 2 boys and works for a global corporation. I have my own life of course and my daughter being my top priority. But we made time for each other and things seemed to be blissful.
Then the "curse" hit again. This is my fault i know, cause i asked for it.
She started becoming more distant and even seemed irritated when we talked. Me being me, and i hate playing games, i prefer the direct approach... i mentioned to her that i felt she was losing interest in us. This happened to be the truth of the matter unfortunately.
I should have known something would go wrong when on our first date she mentioned Murphy's Law.
I asked her what she meant, and she replied, "Your not supposed to like the first person you date after so long. But I really like you and could see this working between us."
This blew me away at the time because we did talk at length on the phone numerous nights before our first date and i knew she was absolutely amazing. I think this is why i let my guard down with her right from the start. And vice versa.
Anyway, Wendy explained that she didnt feel we were meant for each other and that it would be best to end it now rather than later and hurt me even more. Im not sure that would be possible, but what could i say? I told her i think she is wrong but she was adament in her view. So we are no longer together. Again i cursed the world and life and all it consists of. Im truly cursed to live alone and grow up bitter right?
This happened 2 weeks ago and i have been going through some serious mood swings. Im not very good company and all i want to do is crawl into a bottle. I have been living on a liquid diet since that day and i know its not healthy, so i been working out even more to counteract this. Besides it gives me something to do and release some of my pent up rage i feel.
Well the last couple of days i have sat and read many posts by you all. I have thought things over and over. The thought process has come full circle.
Im 36 yrs. old now and alone again. But i have loved more profoundly than most, 3 seperate times in my life. The last being the most in my opinion.
Aside from that, this is life. It has its ups and downs. If life was easy and all full of joy, then no one would be evil. No one would feel sorrow, no one would kill others or themselves. Earth would be Eden incarnate. But this isnt the case.
With that said, i look at our own lives as a little ant hill. The ant hill doesnt mean much in the big scheme of things, but it is OUR ANT HILL. It builds up to what WE want it to be. When life is going well, we build it up high and revel in its complexity. When life is going bad, we break it down grain by grain. We want to break it down to nothingness cause we dont care what happens. This, i think is universal.
Just keep in mind your ant hill is yours and yours alone. No one else can build it up or break it down but you. Only you can get you where you want to be in this crazy world.
Im getting older and have seen some craziness in this life so far, but learning and growing never ends. Love and loss are a part of this. It does happen more than not. Just dont curse yourself like i did so long ago and shut yourself out of the possibilities.
Those of you so young and searching so hard for love, think about this. Maybe you are looking too hard. Enjoy your life, do the things you enjoy doing. Live life to its fullest and learn to love yourself. When you learn to love yourself, you will find it easier to love someone else and be able to give that person all of you.
DONT be bitter, it only breeds negativity, and no one really wants to be around that do they? Find yourself, and someone will find you.
No matter what age, dont give up hope. but dont rely on it either. Make your way in the world and become happy with you, that will be the turning point.
You are all beautiful in your own way. You just have to find that out for yourself.
Morale of the story: Sometimes you need to cry, so you can smile again. All we can do is keep on keepin on... make it so!
Tim
