Intro

[Seeker1980]

I am one hot mess of loneliness. Probably too repugnant for this forum. I don't normally discuss these things, but the anonymity of this forum lends itself to these kinds of confessions. Usually, I would not be so forward in breaking all the boundaries. Here goes:

Today I finished my masters in creative writing for poetry. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Schizoid Affective disorder a long time ago. I am being treated for it by therapy on a weekly basis, both with medication and talk therapy. I am also being treated for sexual issues. I chronically see prostitutes. But I try to form relationships with women, always unavailable ones or, as you can tell, abusive ones. I really liked a friend, showed her a poem dedicated to her, about her, and my desire for her. But she did not reciprocate. Felt really rejected.

While I am happy by and large, just finishing my graduate program, I can be miserable at times. I have always picked unavailable women and I know this about myself. They are either not interested or too far away. The only woman I have truly felt love for I dated for a month, long distance, and that didn't work out. For a number of reasons.

I have seen prostitutes for 10 years or so, and I'm a young guy. I have no diseases, thankfully. And I'm not lying.

I have very loving parents who know about my problems, are trying to help me with my problems. I have loving sisters, a brother, and nephews. Things were really good for a while, but this transition from school has hit me hard. I wrote on Facebook a poem, in response to Hahn's "The Narrow Road to the Interior", expressing just how lonely I really am. No one, out of the hundreds of people on the list, responded. I went to a bar tonight, had 2 ciders, didn't even finish the last one. Was looking up on Wikipedia about loneliness. Got sidetracked by a drunk woman who I made the mistake of confiding in. She had some Freudian reason why I choose unavailable women. Came back to my apartment. Finished reading up on loneliness, which brought me to this website.

I usually am not bitter about things. But as of late, I am growing bitter. This last rejection was the same story as it has almost always been. I do not want to blame the opposite sex, but maybe I'll blame the majority of the opposite sex. I blame myself as well. How I blame myself!

I know loneliness really doesn't know sex, but it's like the example I gave in the poem. A man on the news a while back walked into a women's aerobics class, shot the women, then shot himself. In the story, they described him as a very lonely guy who couldn't understand why he couldn't get a date. He cleaned himself daily. He made a decent living.

I am not this guy, for one thing. I don't clean myself that often :> And I can get a date. It's just been impossible from there on out, to ever hold onto any meaningful relationship. I choose the wrong ones. And if you should happen to reply, I have been to AA, NA, and SAA. I have my reasons for not going to those programs.

Reading Jenna Jameson's bio, they interview a male pornstar and he said, it's a lot of fun, but a death sentence. I am not suicidal nor threatening. I interpret that to mean a life of being lonely and always alone. Till the end. Which is exactly what I don't want to happen. I care about other people. I care about my family and friends. Just this one thing I've always wanted has never been given to me: a loving, reciprocal relationship.

Anyway, it's late. Thanks for reading. I am going to visit my folks tomorrow. Need to get out of town for a bit.

Thanks again.

 

[I'm Fine]

Umm...hi?

 

[Veruca]

I don't actually know what to say....so *hugs*

 

[Social Knight]

Good thing you are seeing therapy. You have a social life ? If you are slightly crazy by normal people's standard it's hard to meet other girls.