Is there hope for those of us who don't do well with people?

[kamya]

I don't do well with people either. I do have two really good friends but they are from middle/grade school and we've stuck it out since then. At this point I think it might be more to do with history than whether or not we are actually good friends for each other. Other than that I don't make friends offline. I didn't really make any friends in all of high school. I participated in tons of events and after school activities but it didn't really matter. I didn't really have the personality that people like to become friends with I guess. I even think I remember talking to you some in PM but I don't think I was really interesting.

I never get along with anyone I work with or anyone I meet. I've tried dating and everyone just flakes. And honestly, I don't even have the energy lately to even bother trying with that stuff anymore. Work burns all of my energy for dealing with people.

I messed up bad so I've been struggling myself just for the basics for the last three years on my own. Working honeysuckle jobs, no savings, can't afford doctors, no food, electricity cut off all the time. For a while I had to waste all of my free time after my jobs on crappy $4-5/hour online jobs just so that I can buy some basic foods and pay rent on time.

My answer is still to sweep it away. There isn't much you can do to fix the problem right away. You can only hope that you get lucky. I just try to move up very slowly until good things start to happen. That's about. I've been struggling, and I'll keep struggling. It's not going to get any easier for me. Not for a long time and I accept that.

My parents were the same way. Very broke and constantly struggling while working low paying jobs. They struggled for 20+ years with constant worries. They have no degrees or anything just experience. In the end (last 5 years) they each found really high paying jobs. You just have to keep struggling until things swing your way I guess.

So yeah, you can hope that you get lucky.

 

[ardour]

Maybe, but it's a mixed bag. I know the stereotype of a brilliant nerd who can't socialize for beans as well as anyone else, but as STEM and geeky interests become more mainstream it's less and less of a refuge for clever oddballs (and there were always people who didn't fit that mold, anyway).

Many of my classmates and instructors have been reasonably social, if not energetic and amicable, people as well as competent... so I couldn't place myself into some special sect of misunderstood brainiacs if I wanted to. Many "normies" are perfectly intelligent, despite the amount of people who are almost physically attached to their cell phones or the number of anti-intellectuals who consider texting more important than fixing grammar in their scholarship application.

Employers don't necessarily need to choose between intelligence and charisma, and there are plenty of people both more intelligent and more charismatic than I am. I feel I'll be a hard sell if anyone picks up on anything unusual about me when it comes to workplace culture, or because I won't have the same network to search for jobs through as others. I might be intuitive, hardworking, and have an eye for details, but there are many such people in STEM and not all of us are outcasts.

My social failures have also made terrifyingly real the fact that there is such a thing as things that I can't control through self-improvement, planning, effort, study, or time. I struggle every day when I study and write with believing that I won't just hit my limit a few months or years down the road, anyway, and find that it won't be enough with no options for change. I'm learning a lot now, but it is possible that in ten years my ability to soak up knowledge and adapt will simply dry up, and that nothing I do will bring it back. I don't feel like I control my own life or my own brain, and that's terrifying.

You shouldn't equate these apparent social failures outside of work with job prospects or status within an organization. FWIW sometimes it's just down to snobbery, not being cool enough for certain types of people (ie. ********), bad luck rather than any major personality shortcomings. This isn't really relevant in a work situation where you merely have to remain pleasant and get along with colleagues. Managers typically aren't part of workplace cliques either, they can't be and they probably won't even be aware of them.

 

[differentlonelygirl]

As hopeful as you want to be

 

[niceguysfinishlast]

Now, now. There may be no dying cats in your future.

I was being sarcastic. Putting you on ignore and getting back to the thread, anyway.

I think some people need to experience life outside their cute little bubble before they start speaking to me about what I should and shouldn't care about. You can tell me not to worry about providing for myself or being able to find steady work when you've:
* Legitimately feared for when your next meal would be
* Eaten cooking ingredients because your mother hasn't been home for awhile and the food is running out
* Had a distant relative deep in debt who no one can afford to give much to who was losing their home and all local support
* Watched a parent work backbreaking hours and become a nervous wreck simply to bring home groceries for the children
* Watched your 16-year-old brother get a part-time job to try to help feed the kids
* Watched a parent struggle with the financial aspect of a spouse with cancer
* Watched a parent take a job with a boss who screams at them to support that spouse with cancer

I'm so sorry all of this happened to you and your family.

 

[Despicable Me]

I know this topic is many months old, but seeing that there's really been no good answer for you I feel a need to reply.
Obviously I don't think there are many people who are going through what you are here, and I'm no exception. I've had plenty of 'tough luck', though. So maybe my post will be relevant enough.

First off, what is the field you've chosen? To be perfectly honest there is more 'hope' out there for some fields than others. And what is it about you that you think turns people away? Why do you state you're "eccentric"? If you can answer these things I possibly could come up with more detailed advice on what I think might help.

Second, I think you're focusing too much on... let's say, 'conventional' ideas. Things like needing 'intelligence' or to be an 'above average' worker. To be completely clear, I mean these things get you absolutely nothing in real life. They are meaningless concepts that aren't related to how things actually work at all.
Dedication and Creativity are what create 'success'. But I don't think you're even looking for success right now, you just want something stable, because you're experiencing a lot of instability. In which case, you don't need any of that stuff at all, all you need to do is show some amount of 'commitment'. Not even a lot. Just 'get the job done' and mostly on-time and you're good to go for the most part. Actually getting a job takes a few social skills that are easy enough to fake for the moment (just Google 'how to get a job' or 'interviewing' or whatever) and a lot of luck. Mostly just keep trying, even if you think you've run out of places to interview, just keep looking and start expanding your search to other areas.
However, once you've got a 'stable' job, the problem is not keeping it but, truthfully, it's just not getting tired and sick of it. That's when you need to show some creativity. But the problem is that those 'stable jobs' pretty much never go anywhere for anyone. They're 'stable' for a reason, and especially once you've been there a while. The management will fit you into a certain category of people who should never go anywhere, and once that's done it's done. They pretty much don't give you a moment of thought ever again. Stable is stable, it doesn't provide a whole lot of opportunity. And so that brings me to...

Three, I think you're overlooking a lot of what you do have going for you. I'm not sure what you see in the mirror, but I think your posts around here are often quite insightful and interesting. There is far more than just one type of "intelligence". You also have much real-life experience, having seen things very few have ever seen. That is a knowledge you will carry with you for the rest of your life that few people will ever have, and that changes you. Changes you in a way that others cannot be changed. Use these things to your advantage, at all times. You are unique, remember that and you will do well.
And in other areas, you seem to believe you're unique but in fact it's the opposite. Things like references not returning emails? That's quite common, actually. If you're talking potential employers they often get "too busy" and either "forget" or never read your email at all (most of the time it's just laziness, I think), email is often the form of communication where it's easiest to do this. In these cases the best thing to do is either try to make an impression by doing something 'different' (get creative), like sending them a typed letter on colored (maybe even scented) paper asking them to consider you for a job and reasons why they should, or something else completely. Anything that helps you 'stand out' and not get 'forgotten'... Or else just forget about them. If they don't have time for you then maybe that's reason you shouldn't give them any time yourself.

Does socializing and even being good at it improve your chances at fitting in and doing well in society? Yes, absolutely. I'm not going to lie about that. The better you learn to improve these skills of yours, and you will improve, the more job opportunities you might get. People often 'move up' in society due to their connections and contacts, rather than through any amount of hard work or intelligence.
But do you 'need' or 'require' any real socializing skills to just get a stable job? Not at all.

There's plenty of hope out there for you, Tealeaf. But, again, honestly I must tell you one thing: It's going to be a lot of hard work and you can't ever give up, no matter how stressed or tired you get. That's the key to survival in this type of society.