It Pains Me So

[SophiaGrace]

I'm just speaking my thoughts aloud in a very emotionally honest way. I felt the need to talk about what's been going on with me. Please don't do the whole "tough love" thing on me. Seriously. Just pass this thread on if you're going to "tell me things I don't want to hear". I tear myself down enough as it is.

I've been having a hard time lately. I mean, i guess I feel like I always have a hard time. But it's been a struggle not to tear myself to bits these last few months, a struggle not to conceptualize myself as being worthless. A struggle to try and bolster my sense of self-efficacy. That I can do things, that I am worthwhile as a person to talk to and be friends with. That I am worthwhile period, instead of worthless. Trying to change my self concept of myself...

Trying not to cry here. Not succeeding. Crying for the 3rd or 4th time since i've gotten back to college.

I can, I can...but I need other people to believe in me. Don't give me that look of doubt, don't turn me away as not worthwhile to work with. If you do this i will only fulfill your own expectations of me as being not capable. Can't you see that? Why don't you understand that? Why? Why....?

I'm trying not to let it hurt me so much. Does everyone walk around every day feeling like they are worthless when they don't measure up to their own expectations?

This is what I am fighting.

Why do I do this to myself? Why does my brain conceptualize the world like this? Is it youth? The price of dreams? Why can't I let go of my expectations of myself? Why must i have these dreams that I must fulfill? I am so black and white. One or the other. Awesome, or nothing. I must. I must. I must fulfill my dreams. There is no other way.

ok I'm going to try to do homework now...

 

[whispers]

Sophia xx, having dreams keeps us alive and moving. When we loose dreams and hope, we are lost....for a little while. But beeing rigid in the acheavement of our goals is very hard on us. Flexibility makes things easyer. So the goal has been reached in a diffrent way than expected, the goal itself has changed. Life will give you apporunities and challenges, you are the only one who can find a way to deal with this in a way that will keep you happy and at peace. Change your perceptions Sophia, i think you are seeing the black side of things. It doesnt mean the black side isnt there, it is always there, but there is a white side and focusing on this one will make life brighter.

Hugs **

 

[tom_lonely]

I have to admit, I am not sure what you are asking.

You say you don't want "tough love" kinds of responses ... does that mean that you don't want advice?

Maybe this is more you just "venting" rather than wanting some sort of solution?

May I ask what you are studying in college?

 

[Sci-Fi]

I believe in you Sophia, you can do it.

(((HUG)))

 

[SophiaGrace]

I"m not sure, tom, if you are implying that I wish to stay in this state and not help myself by requesting no "Tough Love". That I am in reality just content with my misery.

I admit in a way I don't want to move past this state of being, because, I fear if I do, that I will also let go of my dreams.

I'd rather hurt and hold onto my dreams, than fix myself, be content most of the time and be dreamless.

If there was a way to be happier and still hold onto my dreams, I would accept that.

Writing this out is letting me move past this upsetting emotional state i was in.

---

I believe in you Sophia, you can do it.

(((HUG)))

It's gonna hurt but yeah, not taking no for an answer.

 

[wolf359]

I'm trying not to let it hurt me so much. Does everyone walk around every day feeling like they are worthless when they don't measure up to their own expectations?

This is what I am fighting.

Not everyone, but probably a good majority (me included). But you are what you are, don't beat yourself up about it. Take a deep breath and take your time.
And no matter what you think or feel, you ARE worthwhile.
We talked a while back, pm me anytime.

 

[tom_lonely]

...
...

Writing this out is letting me move past this upsetting emotional state i was in.

Good!


Sometime I just go out to the garage, sit in my car, and scream. Afterwards I feel better.

 

[SophiaGrace]

...
...

Writing this out is letting me move past this upsetting emotional state i was in.

Good!

*smiles at the fact that you want me to feel better*

---

...

Wolf this is off topic, but did I tell you to read Anne Frank? Because, I love Anne Frank.

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

I understand what it is like to be hard on yourself. I found in college that nothing I did was ever good enough. People would praise me for accomplishments, and I'd doubt the fact that I accomplished anything. For example, sewing projects, people would praise my garment's workmanship, and the hard time I put into making the garment, but it was never good enough. In my eyes, it was terrible, filled with flaws, and it took me forever to make it. People started telling me that I am a perfectionist... I had never had anyone say that to be before. I realize now, that I do hold my expectations higher than I can reach, at least anytime soon. You just have to find a way to use this desire for greatness to fuel you toward your goal that you should EVENTUALLY reach if you keep pushing yourself. Don't let your inability to reach your own expectations put you in a slump where you do nothing at all. And just know that you will get there, eventually. Don't expect greatness to come quickly, be patient, and keep trying. That's all I can tell myself right now, I hope it helps you. (hugs)

 

[wolf359]

...
...

Writing this out is letting me move past this upsetting emotional state i was in.

Good!

*smiles at the fact that you want me to feel better*

---

...

Wolf this is off topic, but did I tell you to read Anne Frank? Because, I love Anne Frank.

---

You didn't, but I love her too. Just ordered the revised complete diary direct from her orginization at the actual house where she stayed. It includes passages originally omitted by Otto Frank.
Reading and thinking of her have gotten me through some tough times. Puts my troubles in perspective sometimes.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Why do I do this to myself? Why does my brain conceptualize the world like this? Is it youth? The price of dreams? Why can't I let go of my expectations of myself? Why must i have these dreams that I must fulfill? I am so black and white. One or the other. Awesome, or nothing. I must. I must. I must fulfill my dreams. There is no other way.

I feel like this all the time. Some days I feel like everything in my life is controlled, going to plan, exactly as I want it.

But it only takes the slightest set back, error or problem to make me feel useless. I then feel that I'm letting myself down, I've screwed everything up and I'm just rubbish at everything.

I guess it's a self-esteem issue at core, but I wish I had more control over it. I read a lot of what I feel in what you wrote there

 

[LoneKiller]

I'll find strength in pain


Sophia. You are an intelligent and kind woman who has so much compassion and understanding for other people who are suffering. You even go out of your way to help others on a suicidal forum. You might not remember it. But since I first joined here you have helped me a lot with various real problems on here and irl. You have instilled much hope in me. You and many others have.

I don't feel worthless when I don't live up to my own expectations. It just drives me to work even harder. Try being as respectful, kind, understanding, and compassionate with yourself as you are with others. All the good you do and have done is a testament to just how good of a person you really are.

What expectations of yourself are any more important than those?[/color]

 

[Gutted]

Being a young person in the world today is incredibly hard. Expectations are always rising whilst for many, the standard of living does not rise. You just have to pull through though. Know that if you can get past your troubles now, you will be a stronger person on the other side.

Edit: Check out the Evil Post Count..

 

[BrokenInside]

Sophia I have been an achiever since my childhood, people wanted to be like me but then i faced the failure.I saw people changing.I lost my faith in God, i lost my confidence, i started hating myself but then again i got hope out of a blue I have started fighting back.The strength lies within you Sophia! Only you can change your destiny. These negative attitudes always drag you back but you have to resist em anyway. Show this unkind world who you really are and trust me its not impossible. I love you and i have faith in you