It should have been me !

[Triple Bogey]

A woman I know got married yesterday. Around 4 years ago I was hopelessly in love with her. She was single as well but she only wanted me as a friend. My feelings went after time but it was a very miserable time for me. Shocking really how awful I felt !

I see her a few times a year for a coffee. She usually sends a text wanting to meet up. I have zero feelings for her now and our meetings are sometimes a bit difficult and forced. She talks about me to other people and says how wonderful I am but it feels rather hollow. I wonder why she choose the guy she did ? Is he always funny ? Always interesting ? Everything he does and says is perfect ?

I didn't go to her wedding or send anything to her. She has loads of friends and I felt I would be getting in the way. I loved her so much and now when I was looking at her FB wedding photo's, I felt nothing, zero. Strange to go from one extreme to another.

Anybody else been in a similar situation ?

 

[grainofrice24]

The title of your post suggests that you have a little more than zero feelings for her boss

But I know what you mean - it's tough. It's sad when someone something for another, but the feeling is not returned. You end up burying that feeling deeper and deeper until you forget it's there. Unfortunately her wanting to meet up with you ends up prying some of the dirt off those feelings and they ooze to the surface a bit.

Does she want to meet up - or do you? If it's you - I'd suggest putting an end to it - and burying those feelings once and for all. If she's coming to you...my first thought is she wants her cake and to be able to eat it too. I.E. she wants the man she's with but she also likes some of your attributes that her man is lacking.

Sorry to be harsh brother - but it's for your own good - getting between a marriage is always bad-form.

 

[ardour]

Now that she’s married, it’s likely the meet-up requests from her are going to dry up a bit, which is a good thing. It’s possible that you can re-establish the friendship again in a few years. She chose someone else, so don’t think about it, focus your mind elsewhere. There’s nothing else you can do.

I stopped contacting someone I had a crush on a couple of years ago (it was all one-sided anyway), and feel much better for it.

 

[mickey]

There's nothing necessarily pernicious about someone wanting to have a friend who happens to be of the opposite sex. What could be happening is exactly what seems to be happening, which is that she's keeping in contact with someone whom she has known for a long time. If the meetings are not going as well as they used to, it's probably because people change over time and their lives go in different directions. But I agree that your coffee meetings will probably become significantly fewer now that she has a potentially jealous husband to worry about, and will be focusing on her marriage and family instead.

I agree with one other person replying that the title of your post is a bit at odds with the content. If you truly feel nothing, why do you say it should have been you? And more to the point, if you truly feel _nothing_, not even mild satisfaction that your friend has found a mate, how much of a friend is she? Either you're repressing some feelings or you two have basically stopped being friends and have remained in contact only out of habit. In the former case exploring the feelings and getting them out into your consciousness is advisable. In the latter case, it wouldn't be a good idea to drag out something that has essentially died.

 

[Triple Bogey]

The title of your post suggests that you have a little more than zero feelings for her boss

But I know what you mean - it's tough. It's sad when someone something for another, but the feeling is not returned. You end up burying that feeling deeper and deeper until you forget it's there. Unfortunately her wanting to meet up with you ends up prying some of the dirt off those feelings and they ooze to the surface a bit.

Does she want to meet up - or do you? If it's you - I'd suggest putting an end to it - and burying those feelings once and for all. If she's coming to you...my first thought is she wants her cake and to be able to eat it too. I.E. she wants the man she's with but she also likes some of your attributes that her man is lacking.

Sorry to be harsh brother - but it's for your own good - getting between a marriage is always bad-form.

The title of this post is what people at work were saying to me all week. They were poking fun at me saying 'It should have been me'

She is the one who always wants to meet up. If I never saw her again it wouldn't bother me. But she sends me a text and asks to meet up so I feel rotten saying 'no' to her. Mainly because nobody else wants to spend time with me. The women at work said she was using me but I can't see how.

---

Now that she’s married, it’s likely the meet-up requests from her are going to dry up a bit, which is a good thing. It’s possible that you can re-establish the friendship again in a few years. She chose someone else, so don’t think about it, focus your mind elsewhere. There’s nothing else you can do.

I stopped contacting someone I had a crush on a couple of years ago (it was all one-sided anyway), and feel much better for it.

I hope you are right. I sometimes wish she didn't have my mobile number.

---

There's nothing necessarily pernicious about someone wanting to have a friend who happens to be of the opposite sex. What could be happening is exactly what seems to be happening, which is that she's keeping in contact with someone whom she has known for a long time. If the meetings are not going as well as they used to, it's probably because people change over time and their lives go in different directions. But I agree that your coffee meetings will probably become significantly fewer now that she has a potentially jealous husband to worry about, and will be focusing on her marriage and family instead.

I agree with one other person replying that the title of your post is a bit at odds with the content. If you truly feel nothing, why do you say it should have been you? And more to the point, if you truly feel _nothing_, not even mild satisfaction that your friend has found a mate, how much of a friend is she? Either you're repressing some feelings or you two have basically stopped being friends and have remained in contact only out of habit. In the former case exploring the feelings and getting them out into your consciousness is advisable. In the latter case, it wouldn't be a good idea to drag out something that has essentially died.

The title was an in joke - some of the women at work were saying that to me last week.

I agree our friendship (if it ever existed) died when we stopped working together. Funny thing is when I was in love with her, I would send texts and FB messages and want to meet up and she would hardly reply and of course I would get hurt. And then my feelings dwindled and I didn't want to see her again and that was when she started initiating contact and some of the time I would find excuses not to see her. She knew how I felt as well because I basically told her. But I can't believe she still thinks I feel that way !

 

[Tiina63]

I have been in a similar situation, completely in love with someone who didn't return these feelings. Then when I bumped into her (I am bisexual) a while later by chance when I no longer loved her, it felt weird to stand there talking to her and feeling nothing towards her at all when a few months earlier I would have been desperate to say the 'right thing,' heart beating fast, etc.
Hopefully this lady will stop wanting to meet you now that she is married. If not, could you get a new mobile number and unfriend her on Facebook so that she can't contact you there?
I know what you mean about it seeming hollow when she tells others how wonderful you are, because if she thinks you are wonderful, why didn't she want to be with you when you were in love with her. I have had men say this to me, that I am a lovely person etc, but it has come across as hollow for the same reason.

 

[h3donist]

Contrary to belief marriage can be the loneliest place in the world. Regardless of how much you love your partner, sometimes you need to contact the people you knew outside of the marriage - not necessarily for a specific reason, you just do. I don't think she's using you in a malicious way, she just is yearning for her past life and you are the connection to that.

That said if you no longer have a connection with this person and you suspect she feels the same then it might be time to start politely declining her requests.

 

[Rainbows]

Guys, seriously? Get a new phone number, defriend her on facebook? If you're not going to be her friend anymore, tell her why. You wouldn't want to be treated that way by someone you consider your friend, so don't do it to them.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think you need to decide if you want her in your life or not. If you don't, stop going to the meetups. I don't think you should change your number, just tell her you can't go or that you don't want to go.
As for her husband, it's not about always being funny or being perfect (no one is). Relationships are filled with ups and down. They likely just clicked. No rhyme or reason to it really, it just happens.
Well, that is if they married each other for love, of course. There are other reasons people get married.

But I agree that your coffee meetings will probably become significantly fewer now that she has a potentially jealous husband to worry about, and will be focusing on her marriage and family instead.

It's funny how people assume marriage will change the dynamic of a relationship. Chances are, if it happened before, it'll happen after and if it didn't happen before, it won't happen after.
Standing in front of a minister/justice of the peace/whatever your religion has doesn't do something magical to the relationship. Family and all that happens just as much outside of marriage as it does in a marriage and if the hubby wasn't jealous before, he likely won't be after.

 

[Tiina63]

Guys, seriously? Get a new phone number, defriend her on facebook? If you're not going to be her friend anymore, tell her why. You wouldn't want to be treated that way by someone you consider your friend, so don't do it to them.

I'm not saying don't tell her, but if she persists after this, then change your number and unfriend her. Besides it wasn't just a friendship as TB had strong feelings for her. If I got married and then started texting and contacting another man who had had feelings for me in the past and he wasn't interested and cut off contact, I wouldn't blame him in the least.

 

[mickey]

Guys, seriously? Get a new phone number, defriend her on facebook? If you're not going to be her friend anymore, tell her why. You wouldn't want to be treated that way by someone you consider your friend, so don't do it to them.

Totally this. ^ I'm not too thrilled by what passes for ethics in the 21st century.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I have been in a similar situation, completely in love with someone who didn't return these feelings. Then when I bumped into her (I am bisexual) a while later by chance when I no longer loved her, it felt weird to stand there talking to her and feeling nothing towards her at all when a few months earlier I would have been desperate to say the 'right thing,' heart beating fast, etc.
Hopefully this lady will stop wanting to meet you now that she is married. If not, could you get a new mobile number and unfriend her on Facebook so that she can't contact you there?
I know what you mean about it seeming hollow when she tells others how wonderful you are, because if she thinks you are wonderful, why didn't she want to be with you when you were in love with her. I have had men say this to me, that I am a lovely person etc, but it has come across as hollow for the same reason.

I agree. It is strange seeing her now and talking to her when 4 years ago I was so hopelessly in love with her it was frightening. I wonder to myself now why. She is a nice person but we have little in common. I used to think she was very beautiful but now I don't find her attractive at all.

I did unfriend her on facebook once but she rang me up and wanted to know why I had done it. People tend to notice when they get unfriended. I do hope things just slide and she 'forgets' about me. She sometimes goes 3 or 4 months without getting in touch and I think I am rid of her and then I get a text wanting to meet up.

I probably come across as a little harsh but when I worked with her, they were loads of rumours she was having an affair with the boss who was married. I hated him as well. I thought he was a miserable, bullying pig and I couldn't believe she would be interested in him. Although she always denied it, she had to leave our shops in the end because the managers wife complained about her. After that I really wanted to never talk to her again. She chose him over me. That c***. It makes me sick really and like Tiina says, getting told I am wonderful and nice, funny or whatever means nothing when other men achieve so much more than me.

---

I think you need to decide if you want her in your life or not. If you don't, stop going to the meetups. I don't think you should change your number, just tell her you can't go or that you don't want to go.
As for her husband, it's not about always being funny or being perfect (no one is). Relationships are filled with ups and down. They likely just clicked. No rhyme or reason to it really, it just happens.
Well, that is if they married each other for love, of course. There are other reasons people get married.

But I agree that your coffee meetings will probably become significantly fewer now that she has a potentially jealous husband to worry about, and will be focusing on her marriage and family instead.

It's funny how people assume marriage will change the dynamic of a relationship. Chances are, if it happened before, it'll happen after and if it didn't happen before, it won't happen after.
Standing in front of a minister/justice of the peace/whatever your religion has doesn't do something magical to the relationship. Family and all that happens just as much outside of marriage as it does in a marriage and if the hubby wasn't jealous before, he likely won't be after.

No, I don't want her in my life. That was a really miserable time of my life, maybe the worst. People at work keep bringing it up and I am sick to death of talking about her.

I have said 'no' to her offers quite a few times. If I have something else on, I won't put myself out.

It's hard when someone is persistent though, sending texts wanting to meet up. She has several male friends, I don't think her husband is much bothered or he is too scared to say anything.

---

Guys, seriously? Get a new phone number, defriend her on facebook? If you're not going to be her friend anymore, tell her why. You wouldn't want to be treated that way by someone you consider your friend, so don't do it to them.

I'm not saying don't tell her, but if she persists after this, then change your number and unfriend her. Besides it wasn't just a friendship as TB had strong feelings for her. If I got married and then started texting and contacting another man who had had feelings for me in the past and he wasn't interested and cut off contact, I wouldn't blame him in the least.

I did ask her out once, she said 'no' she had met somebody else. A few weeks after that she left the shop. ( A scandal involving the manager who was married) and a week after that she said she wanted to me my golf caddy, wanted to walk around the course with me. It was nuts, I was so confused. The women at work said she used me to deflect the attention away from the manager who she was shagging. All this makes me feel great of course. I bloody hated it.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I know what you mean about it seeming hollow when she tells others how wonderful you are, because if she thinks you are wonderful, why didn't she want to be with you when you were in love with her. I have had men say this to me, that I am a lovely person etc, but it has come across as hollow for the same reason.

Thinking that someone is wonderful doesn't mean that you necessarily want to lay down with them every night. I've known, and still know, guys that are awesome, but the thought of making them my man never crossed my mind. Just because he liked her doesn't mean she had to reciprocate those feelings. If she didn't feel the same, then it was probably best she didn't try to pretend otherwise. In my opinion, one of the only things worse than someone faking feelings, is probably someone who wants a romantic connection with absolutely everyone they know - which I do know someone like that. It's rather annoying when you realize they start to catch feelings for every other person they talk to.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I know what you mean about it seeming hollow when she tells others how wonderful you are, because if she thinks you are wonderful, why didn't she want to be with you when you were in love with her. I have had men say this to me, that I am a lovely person etc, but it has come across as hollow for the same reason.

Thinking that someone is wonderful doesn't mean that you necessarily want to lay down with them every night. I've known, and still know, guys that are awesome, but the thought of making them my man never crossed my mind. Just because he liked her doesn't mean she had to reciprocate those feelings. If she didn't feel the same, then it was probably best she didn't try to pretend otherwise. In my opinion, one of the only things worse than someone faking feelings, is probably someone who wants a romantic connection with absolutely everyone they know - which I do know someone like that. It's rather annoying when you realize they start to catch feelings for every other person they talk to.

As a matter of interest she met her husband on a facebook dating site. She told me she liked his photo, liked the way he looked. So I suppose it does work for some people.

 

[SofiasMami]

A wise person I know said last week "stop shoulding on yourself", meaning stop saying I should do this, I should have done that. Next time the topic comes up at work, say "stop shoulding on me".
Facebook can be bad sometimes - it can be too easy to maintain a thread of a connection with someone better left in the past. I can think of a few people I've known in years past that remain with me on Facebook and that I should probably un-friend but I just can't do it for some reason.

-Teresa

 

[TheWalkingDead]

I do feel your pain. But in different ways. I have a friend who is married and she has told me she married her husband for the money and security, status. Yes she has said that outloud. I happen to offer her something more emotional, as a friend. I value that, but recently when I needed some support, she vanished. Such is life. People do things for all kinds of reasons and they are not all down to you. I am so sorry that you loved someone and watched this happen. It hurts.

I once went to a wedding of a woman I loved or had a crush on, or whatever - and because I loved her, I was happy she got married to someone she loved but it did hurt having to do a reading at the ceremony as her very good friend! Our relationships are unfortunately complicated and messy

 

[pancakes_online]

To be honest, she sounds like a bit of a floozy (lul).

If you don't want to talk to her anymore, maybe you shouldn't. She snubbed you for many years, something which shouldn't be ignored.

 

[Triple Bogey]

To be honest, she sounds like a bit of a floozy (lul).

If you don't want to talk to her anymore, maybe you shouldn't. She snubbed you for many years, something which shouldn't be ignored.

Well I haven't heard from her since May so maybe she will let things slide.

---

I do feel your pain. But in different ways. I have a friend who is married and she has told me she married her husband for the money and security, status. Yes she has said that outloud. I happen to offer her something more emotional, as a friend. I value that, but recently when I needed some support, she vanished. Such is life. People do things for all kinds of reasons and they are not all down to you. I am so sorry that you loved someone and watched this happen. It hurts.

I once went to a wedding of a woman I loved or had a crush on, or whatever - and because I loved her, I was happy she got married to someone she loved but it did hurt having to do a reading at the ceremony as her very good friend! Our relationships are unfortunately complicated and messy

Me and you must be different. I couldn't be the 'friend' of any woman. All the so called female friends I have had - it either never lasts or they disappear for weeks on end.

 

[VanillaCreme]

To be honest, she sounds like a bit of a floozy (lul).

If you don't want to talk to her anymore, maybe you shouldn't. She snubbed you for many years, something which shouldn't be ignored.

I don't think she's a floozy. And I wouldn't really consider it "snubbing" anyone. She didn't have to return the feelings, regardless of anything.

 

[ardour]

^^true, she can't control who she's interested in romantically any more than you can.

Aside from whether you want to see her again, you'd should take her continued interest in the friendship as a compliment.