lonelyboy291 said:
Now uni is starting again, im again making the change from spending my holidays completly isolated to living around others. And it hurts to see everything I dont have, like love, people kissing. Its not the kind of feeling that just makes me wishing I had that too; it really hurts to see it and it brings me face to face with my loneliness. i could be having a reasonably happy day, perhaps spending the day reading a book or going to the gym. but as soon as I see 2 lovers together lying on the grass in the sun it just will just shatter whatever happiness i was feeling. And so the day will end with me crying inside, because i just dont know how to go on when everything around me hurts me. does anyone else feel so jealous of others it hurts
Exactly the same here mate.
I'll be back at Uni next week. If I'm really lucky I will have miraculously grown the confidence needed to ask the girl I really like out.
More than likely, that won't happen and I'll be in exactly the same boat, just watching people kissing, hugging, talking from a distance for the whole academic year. It's like a knife in the heart sometimes. Maybe this year I'll even get to watch her go out with someone else?
I think the weird thing is, once you've had a relationship you don't really understand the situation in the same way.
Because, like you, I never have it's exactly how you said - like I'm observing a totally different universe, where I have no place. It's not "just" a relationship I'm witnessing, it's something I've never had and seemingly will never have. A door open for others and not for me.
It's not conventional jealousy like "I wish I could buy the car that guy has", it's more like "I wish it was actually possible for me to partake in that on any level", which I think is less like "envy" and more like the feeling you get when everyone leaves you out for a group activity.
I'd actually be
happy to experience everything from a relationship, including the arguments, break ups, bitterness...because that would all hurt less than what I feel now, which is just an empty, isolated void of emotion at times.
I will also admit that I'm borderline tearful about this stuff sometimes. I'll have a particularly bad evening for whatever reason (perhaps I just saw a super romantic movie, or I spent literally half my day watching couples snogging) and I will just sit silently for a while and feel like absolute honeysuckle.
When you have someone that's special for you in that way, I think that distance fades and you begin to subscribe to "dating" and the like. It becomes just a healthy part of life whether single or not.
Before that, though, there is this seemingly insurmountable barrier to break through for some people, regardless of their attractiveness or anything like that. Perhaps it's to do with confidence? I don't know.