I'm feeling at a...loose end today. And it isn't anything to do with the day (I'm not even phased by the fact it is valentines day, to me it is just another day.)
My apparent friends aren't really my friends. I have known this for a long time, but I guess I just chose to ignore it. I have been trying to stop drinking for years now. I have abused the term "Just one more" and "I'm never drinking again!" over the past few years. It is only recently that it is starting to sink in that I need to stop, for myself. And I am doing better - I have certainly cut down. BUT it is hard to completely stop, if I did then my 'friends' wouldn't be around anymore. Or should I say I wouldn't be around them anymore. I think it is easier to try and think the latter, that way it is me making the choice rather than them.
Firstly the friends I hang around with are big drinkers, I mainly hang around with a group of guys who drink and take drugs (not heroin or crack or anything that bad) and I fit in when I participate too. I have been hanging around with these people for about 4 years and as much as I know that the only thing that ties me to them is drinking and Mat (who I'll explain about in a minute) it still hurts that I know that it wasn't/isn't really real. Or was it?
I don't attend the parties were everyone will stay up for days getting messy anymore (not unless it is a really special occasion and I feel bad for not attending)
I spend my time alone, seeing my flat mate only occasionally when he gets in from uni. Or at work (which I do love my work, I really do. It is the only time I ever feel truly happy)
I don't have family; my parents are alcoholics, my father a rapist. I left home at 15 and have been so strong over the years. I moved to a city when I was 17 on my own, with only Mat there for support. He was my first boyfriend, and though we are not together anymore, we still see one another - he hangs around with the group of friends also.
I do speak to my brother and grandparents every so often via phone, but it feels they only make me feel worse. They constantly try to convince me that my father is innocent, how if I don't get married soon I am going to end up completely alone and give me updates on how ******* happy my parents are now.
I have tried medication, which proved pointless. I've seen a number of counsellors and mental health nurses which never really helped either.
Apparently I might have developed cyclothymia - but I think that is just what the doctors are clinging onto, it is easier to say that than to tell someone that they are just broken and alone.
I'm seeing a psychologist on wednesday, for the first time, because apparently the reason I feel the way I do and why I act the way I do is something to do with my childhood (which I can only remember fragments of.) If I see one more doctor that looks at me with pity because they obviously assume I've been interfered with as a child then I swear I will just jump off a bridge.
I'm fed up of portraying a happy-go-lucky girl. At work I am fine - I even got told I am 'too enthusiastic'!!! I work in a community drug service helping socially excluded adults get into volunteering so that they can rebuild their lives and finally gain employment in the health & social care sector. I love what I do and it is the only time when I am at ease, because it isn't anything to do with me. I thrive on others. But when the working day ends...so do I.
Now I am usually the person responding to threads such as this saying "get hobbies blah blah blah keep busy, be good to yourself" and all of that other crap. I do have hobbies, I read, I write, I swim (everyday), I eat well (most of the time), I've stopped self-harming, I've stopped drinking so much, I stopped smoking, I support myself financially and I am proud of myself for still being here. But at the end of the day I still can't let go or move on with my life and it is crippling me. I feel pain, hurt, loss, anger, frustration, confusion and messed up most of the time. My 'hobbies' are only a distraction.
So what I want to know is, am I really alone? Do other people feel like this, honestly? And how on earth do I stop being like this?
I'm sorry for ranting. I had no where else to go.
My apparent friends aren't really my friends. I have known this for a long time, but I guess I just chose to ignore it. I have been trying to stop drinking for years now. I have abused the term "Just one more" and "I'm never drinking again!" over the past few years. It is only recently that it is starting to sink in that I need to stop, for myself. And I am doing better - I have certainly cut down. BUT it is hard to completely stop, if I did then my 'friends' wouldn't be around anymore. Or should I say I wouldn't be around them anymore. I think it is easier to try and think the latter, that way it is me making the choice rather than them.
Firstly the friends I hang around with are big drinkers, I mainly hang around with a group of guys who drink and take drugs (not heroin or crack or anything that bad) and I fit in when I participate too. I have been hanging around with these people for about 4 years and as much as I know that the only thing that ties me to them is drinking and Mat (who I'll explain about in a minute) it still hurts that I know that it wasn't/isn't really real. Or was it?
I don't attend the parties were everyone will stay up for days getting messy anymore (not unless it is a really special occasion and I feel bad for not attending)
I spend my time alone, seeing my flat mate only occasionally when he gets in from uni. Or at work (which I do love my work, I really do. It is the only time I ever feel truly happy)
I don't have family; my parents are alcoholics, my father a rapist. I left home at 15 and have been so strong over the years. I moved to a city when I was 17 on my own, with only Mat there for support. He was my first boyfriend, and though we are not together anymore, we still see one another - he hangs around with the group of friends also.
I do speak to my brother and grandparents every so often via phone, but it feels they only make me feel worse. They constantly try to convince me that my father is innocent, how if I don't get married soon I am going to end up completely alone and give me updates on how ******* happy my parents are now.
I have tried medication, which proved pointless. I've seen a number of counsellors and mental health nurses which never really helped either.
Apparently I might have developed cyclothymia - but I think that is just what the doctors are clinging onto, it is easier to say that than to tell someone that they are just broken and alone.
I'm seeing a psychologist on wednesday, for the first time, because apparently the reason I feel the way I do and why I act the way I do is something to do with my childhood (which I can only remember fragments of.) If I see one more doctor that looks at me with pity because they obviously assume I've been interfered with as a child then I swear I will just jump off a bridge.
I'm fed up of portraying a happy-go-lucky girl. At work I am fine - I even got told I am 'too enthusiastic'!!! I work in a community drug service helping socially excluded adults get into volunteering so that they can rebuild their lives and finally gain employment in the health & social care sector. I love what I do and it is the only time when I am at ease, because it isn't anything to do with me. I thrive on others. But when the working day ends...so do I.
Now I am usually the person responding to threads such as this saying "get hobbies blah blah blah keep busy, be good to yourself" and all of that other crap. I do have hobbies, I read, I write, I swim (everyday), I eat well (most of the time), I've stopped self-harming, I've stopped drinking so much, I stopped smoking, I support myself financially and I am proud of myself for still being here. But at the end of the day I still can't let go or move on with my life and it is crippling me. I feel pain, hurt, loss, anger, frustration, confusion and messed up most of the time. My 'hobbies' are only a distraction.
So what I want to know is, am I really alone? Do other people feel like this, honestly? And how on earth do I stop being like this?
I'm sorry for ranting. I had no where else to go.
