Liking/Loving someone you shouldn't

[Chris516]

Do you ever find yourself pining over someone you know you can't be with?

Not like a girl dating a guy her parents' despise. Who has a mohawk, nose ring, tongue stud, earrings, and tattoos.

I mean more like, they are in a relationship with someone else. Also, That being with them would actually be a bad idea technically.

I have known one such woman online since 2003.

Except, When she wasn't in a 'relationship'(she got married in 2006, separated in 2009, and is in the process of a divorce at present), I was.

Me: 2002-2007, 2007-Present

Her: 2003-2004(fiance killed in Iraq), 2005, 2006-2013(divorce pending), 2010-Present.

But that is not the technical part. The technical part is, she is Canadian, and I am American. Also that, I looked up Canadian citizenship since my (ex)fiance who is American, married a Canadian citizen in 2010. But out of curiosity, I looked up Canadian citizenship Post-911 and not only is it tough on people who want to emigrate there, healthcare in Canada is no better, than in the U.S., even though it is a national healthcare system. I have been on private insurance all my life due to three pre-existing health problems(two of them congenital). So, Her suggestion of dropping my health insurance for a move to Canada, had I wanted to move there following the death of her fiance, would have been suicidal at best.

In 2012, she nearly died from a toxic pregnancy and was ultimately diagnosed. When her boyfriend was keeping an eye on her in the hospital, he was not handling the situation well(he has a pre-teen son that has to stay in a rest home due to severe disabilities). I even made international calls to the hospital Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. To see how she was doing.

I had an emotional breakdown at a medical conference outside of Washington, D.C., thinking she might die. Because we have stayed in communication(not daily) for the last ten years and I was only beginning to realize my feelings for her.

So, Now that I am finishing my 'book', how has anyone been able to get a person out of their head, in the 'romantic' context? They remain friends' with them, but forget having a romantic relationship with them.

 

[Tiina63]

Yes, I have been pining over someone, a married woman, for almost three years now. (I am bisexual). I avoid her completely and am reaching the point where I can imagine being with someone else now. However, I know that I won't be able to see this woman without going back to the state of utter lovesickness I was in for nearly two years, so I have to continue to stay away from her till I have fallen in love with someone else and feel nothing for her.

 

[Chris516]

Yes, I have been pining over someone, a married woman, for almost three years now. (I am bisexual). I avoid her completely and am reaching the point where I can imagine being with someone else now. However, I know that I won't be able to see this woman without going back to the state of utter lovesickness I was in for nearly two years, so I have to continue to stay away from her till I have fallen in love with someone else and feel nothing for her.

In a sense, I stayed away from her for nine months(July'11-Apr.'12) when I stopped using Yahoo Messenger altogether. Because I was getting inundated with IM messages from numerous people. To the point that I just needed to un-install Yahoo Messenger. When I re-installed it in April 2012, she was already dating her boyfriend for two years by that time. But, When she saw me back online, she raised a fit wondering where I had been for so long.

Between April 1st and June 29th of 2012, we were on Yahoo Messenger daily. Even to the point that we were using Yahoo Voice calling each other in the morning, as she was getting her 5yr.old(in 2012) daughter ready for school. June 29th 2012, was when her boyfriend told me via her Yahoo Messenger account, that she collapsed at work and fallen into a coma.

Another thing on the non-technical side prior to her nearly dying, was that she was always critical of me. But I put up with it, being her sounding board. Because I wanted her to spew it in my direction, instead of someone she could really hurt.

 

[OnlyMe]

Unfortunately has happened to me on way more than one occasion.

I truly believe that you don't choose who you are attracted to.
However, whether or not you choose to act on those feelings is a different story.

My problem is that I have usually let my heart rule my head and this has never had a happy ending.

 

[jaguarundi]

Yes I found someone (after 1 failed marriage and another failed long term live-in relationship) who I loved very much, but was married. The pain of it was ultimately too great, and I realised the ultimate truth about being the 'other woman' - which is, he wasn't going to leave his wife to be with me. I tried just being friends, but I longed for him physically as well as emotionally in a way which made me ill. In the end I changed my job (we worked in the same office) and stopped all communication with him, out of self-preservation. This was many years ago, sadly I never found anyone else, but there are worse things than being alone, and being in a hopeless situation is one of them.

I also had to ask myself if being with someone I couldn't have was a way of avoiding real commitment to someone else...... just a thought for others out there with this problem.

 

[Triple Bogey]

there are a few married women I like at the moment. I don't love any of them, I keep things under control.

 

[Case]

I've pined away for a female or two in my life and the only solution I have found to rid myself of those overwhelming feelings of unrequited love is time and space. Not calling her, not texting her, not emailing her, not being with her, and erasing her from your life for a while, if not permanently. This has always worked for me.

I also stop myself from going down that mental road again. I reserve that road for someone who wants to be romantically involved with me. Otherwise, that road is off-limits.

 

[in_betweener]

This^^
I've been that road and there's nothing except pain. Lately I've been friends with a woman... Used to go watch a movie with her and then this guy appeared (friend of hers) and we were 3 watching movies. I couldn't see it but after a while she just kept talking with me about the guy and started to say things like 'I would never date that guy', honeysuckle like that, but I was totally blind. On August he invited us to spend a week at his place, and on the last day before our holidays the woman and the guy fought over something completely absurd, I called them trying to make things better for them and I pressured them to a get together and they eventually worked things out. I kind of made their relationship possible and I still feel like a fool. None of them had the guts to tell me they were dating, I just found out on my own in facebook. I had to distance myself from them... They keep inviting me to stuff and I keep declining.

 

[The Underdog]

Being ahead of my years, I never pined for anyone. That honeysuckle is ridiculous. I'm grown. I don't have time to chase someone that wants nothing to do with me. That's masochism bordering on sycophancy.

I did have a connection-like thing with someone I met online. I thought she was another kid who thought her honeysuckle didn't stink, but when we spoke on Skype I learnt she was just ignorant (part of that fault lies with her parents for sheltering her). Interesting bit is that while she was ignorant, she was very sharp for a girl her age. Didn't give a **** about what she looked like; her personality and wit are what made her legit in my eyes.

We grew pretty close, then we parted ways when a misunderstanding escalated into a big scene. I contacted her sometime later, and she wasn't replying to me. I inquired, and she said it was her boyfriend's rule about her talking to other males or male-types. I sent her this long closure message on Facebook and she had nothing to say in response because her and her fellah are getting serious.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I shrugged and moved on. I'll admit that I can respect her obedience to her boyfriend since I do think women should take their partner's wishes into account, but at the same time, if she had given a ****, she would have done something before they got serious. I asked myself what I'd do if she even attempted to pop back into my life. The answer? Tell her to get lost. If she reached out to me, it's because she's just bored, or that I'd be her rebound; her support beam. She is a sensitive girl, so a break-up would mean pain, pain she'd want to soothe. Kids these days run on emotion. I run on logic. I have self-respect and won't allow myself to be a safety.

I even do this on chat sites. If I'm talking to someone and they get caught up in another conversation, I don't remind them that I still exist, I don't neg or flag them for attention. I just shrug and find someone else to talk to. Same logic. Usually I'm talking to a user who takes troll-bait. If they'd rather bicker about some petty non-issue than have an actual conversation with someone, they aren't worth my time.

Y'all must understand that you don't want someone who doesn't want to be with you. I'm tired of seeing shows with characters on some, "I can change". Or even worse: Dudes who be fighting each other over women. Now, if a dude be trippin' and he's grabbin' up on your girl, knock his ass out; that's harassment. But if he's trying to mack and your girl is feeling him, let her go. I will never fight someone over a girl. That's insipid. I'm going to fight a guy because my girlfriend wants to boink him? Nope. She can do whatever she wants. I'd rather her let me know she's feeling someone else and dump me, than to cheat and have me kissing her up and honeysuckle unaware of the fact that other dudes have been all up in her kool-aid.

I'm off-topic. Have I ever liked/"loved" anyone I shouldn't? Hell no.

 

[Grackle]

I always fall for the married ones. Must be something subconsciously or everyone is married. Can't and won't get involved with anyone married or otherwise 'taken' so I remain alone. Single.

 

[FPL2014]

I know for a fact that this can be VERY bad.

If you don't have personal contact with the person, however, you can really forget him/her if you find someone else who attracts you for similar reasons.

but i know, i know, "easier said than done".

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

I have sort of "got in the middle" between to a relationship at the minute. A very attractive girl in my opinion who has a very poor choice in partner. I know I shouldn't act on it as I would hate someone to do the same on me, so I haven't although her partner thinks we're up to go no good anyway. Unfortunately this is of no fault on my own but caused by some of the decisions she makes that tend to involve me. It can only end badly for her though as I am not the person she needs nor one that will ever love her as I am still not over a previous long term relationship and it breaks my heart when I see her confusion because as much as I like her, I haven't acted on it. I think I'm the knight in shining armour that never was for her.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Everyone I like is taken right now. I hope one day they'll be single again and I can get to know them. But I guess it's best not for me to live in the future. I can't be with the ones I want right now and don't want to be with the ones I don't want so I guess doing nothing is all I can do for the time being. I have to put the idea of a relationship on the back-burner until they are single and I've pulled myself together.