H
HoodedMonk
Guest
Ever since I stopped graduate school my loneliness levels have been slowly getting worse. These days they are pretty bad. I find myself wishing that I didn't have a need or desire for other human beings. A wish that I could somehow get along fine without others, depend on myself and only myself instead of feeling so **** fragile, and just not feel this wretched social need that's been ingrained into us through evolution.
I wish I was a tiger. Tigers don't need people. They're solitary, have their own territory, and are just happy as can be.
But, I"m not a tiger, I'm a human being and even more than this, one that seems to always feel empty.
Not only do I feel lonely I feel ignored by the people I am around physically in my daily life. Too busy doing their own thing to notice and care about how I feel and when I do interact with them, tell me to either go away, or they're simply not around. So I am trying not to expect anything of them anymore.
Life is further made difficult by just feeling as if I am going no where and don't have options to improve things in my life.
I wish there were some switch in my head to flip to fix my mental issues. Those of lonelines, depression and just general hopelessness for my future. I wish the switch could be turned off and I would not give a fresia about it anymore. It's constant pain.
My contact with my friends has gone down. Over half the people I text on my phone never respond and those that do respond, I don't want to talk to just because I am lonely, you know? I want to want to talk to them because I like them. There is at least one or two people who I talk to because I like them and I appreciate them dearly, but, I know it is unreasonable to expect them to be there whenever I want or need them to be there. So again there's this stuck feeling because I know I can't ask that of them. And even if a person were to say to me that they would be there for me anytime, I would never take advantage of it because I know that everyone has their limits, and it's not fair to ask that of them.
I've even lost the feeling of belonging here on ALL. I don't have that anymore. And if I were to describe the feeling of loneliness it would be one of constant almost physical pain, that I couldn't alleviate.
It just hurts and it's probably nothing that anyone else can fill or fix. I'm just defective.
I wish I was a tiger. Tigers don't need people. They're solitary, have their own territory, and are just happy as can be.
But, I"m not a tiger, I'm a human being and even more than this, one that seems to always feel empty.
Not only do I feel lonely I feel ignored by the people I am around physically in my daily life. Too busy doing their own thing to notice and care about how I feel and when I do interact with them, tell me to either go away, or they're simply not around. So I am trying not to expect anything of them anymore.
Life is further made difficult by just feeling as if I am going no where and don't have options to improve things in my life.
I wish there were some switch in my head to flip to fix my mental issues. Those of lonelines, depression and just general hopelessness for my future. I wish the switch could be turned off and I would not give a fresia about it anymore. It's constant pain.
My contact with my friends has gone down. Over half the people I text on my phone never respond and those that do respond, I don't want to talk to just because I am lonely, you know? I want to want to talk to them because I like them. There is at least one or two people who I talk to because I like them and I appreciate them dearly, but, I know it is unreasonable to expect them to be there whenever I want or need them to be there. So again there's this stuck feeling because I know I can't ask that of them. And even if a person were to say to me that they would be there for me anytime, I would never take advantage of it because I know that everyone has their limits, and it's not fair to ask that of them.
I've even lost the feeling of belonging here on ALL. I don't have that anymore. And if I were to describe the feeling of loneliness it would be one of constant almost physical pain, that I couldn't alleviate.
It just hurts and it's probably nothing that anyone else can fill or fix. I'm just defective.