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fadingaway22

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Hello, everybody. I just wanted to post my reflection upon a topic and receive some feedback as well. If this is too long or has been addressed elsewhere, I apologize. I'm still new to this and I am just getting my feet wet. I'm a little shy with sharing some things, partly due to my guarded nature. However, I appreciate everyone's support here.

I have always been intrigued by the game of love. I like to refer to love as a game because I always feel that men and women are constantly competing with eachother in this quest of hearts. Us guys are always trying to learn pickup artistry techniques where women are constantly trying to permeate through these tactics in order to select that partner that satisfies their biological needs. Regardless of this idea, this game of hearts is important. Human beings are social creatures, and aren't meant to be alone. I have pursued many relationships in my past. When I was younger, I had very little problems attracting and engaging in mutual romantic interactions.

I had met someone, someone I considered my first true love. After all of the relationships I had been through in the past, they didn't matter anymore. I felt truly alive with this person. She was everything I wanted in a mate. She was enchanting and mysterious- my mystique Pisces. Things went well the first two years. She has bi-polar disorder, a truly crippling condition when not properly medicated. That person that I had fallen in love with changed like a flick of a light switch. I realize part of it was due to her bi-polar disorder, but there were other factors that were causing this behavior. All those wonderful characteristics that I loved vanished into thin air. A demon then emerged, and I was thrusted into an emotional hell that I pray to God none of you will ever experience. The last two years of the relationship were one of the most painful years of my life. I never heard I love you anymore. Instead, I heard all of the things I wasn't. I heard about how useless I was and how I was never good for anything. These in the simplest of paraphrasing is very G-rated. I won't go into the true explicatives. Then, she didn't want to be seen with me in public. My birthday rolled around, and not even a Happy Birthday. I could see the hatred for me in her eyes. Then, the cheating began. What was even worse then the cheating was the internet dialogue exchanged between her and her paramour that I had intercepted. Basically, she outright said she hated me and wanted me to die in the worst way possible. She wanted to kill me ! That crushed me, and still crushes me to this day. It left me as a broken shell of a man. I eventually broke off the relationship even though it was broken off long ago. The whole experience crushed me on the inside. I don't feel confident anymore. I feel ugly and that I am not deserving of love. I cared for her so much and still do . Why do I torture myself like this ? Why have I abandoned all logic ? I am an intelligent person with an IQ of 130. I graduated with a 4.0 from my community college, and am well along the path to maintaining that. Yet, like a fool, I wallow in self pity over a person who is not deserving of my time. Why ?

Two years have passed since then. I have dated other women in the past and was even engaged to marry last year. Yet, that mystique Pisces always seems to enter into the picture. I am currently single now, and I am lonely as hell. I realize the only way to meet wonderful women is just to approach and engage in a stimulating conversation. I need to transform into the social butterfly that I used to be. The problem is my self image. I try to overcome my flaws and my feelings of ugliness and inadequacy. However, everytime I look into the eyes of my desired women, I see Pisces' eyes staring coldly back at me. I feel the hatred and the degredation. What can I do to overcome this?I'm sure there are others in this forum that are going through the same feelings of inner purgatory that I am. If anyone is coping with the same things I am, how are you doing it ? How do you guys find the strength to progress ? How can I reprogram my way of thinking ? How do I become that alpha male I once was ? I know what I need to do, but how do I overcome the roadblocks of negative thinking ? I'm tired of all the meaningless romantic exchanges. I want to be happy too !

I'm sorry for this long post. I am embarrased to admit what a weak person I have allowed myself to become. Men and women, please offer some insight into my dilemma. Please share your similar stories and situations as well. If you have overcome your dilemma, please divulge. Let's sift through the fog together !
 
Keep your bad memory.It is going to be hard but you need to overcome it.When my friend asked me F&N questions,the teacher told him like this,"Of all the person you want to ask,why do you ask him?"Not only that,I was get pinpointed when going for any practicals.I literally lost all confidence till now.

I realise when you refused to put behind your bad memory completely,you find it hard to do it well at all.
 
Looks like she took your self esteem away and you are in no way responsible for her actions. Sounds like to me there is hurt stored away somewhere that you need to cry about, cleanse and clear. Try keeping a diary of your feelings about that relationship that you can reflect upon and you might see patterns of thoughts emerging that can help you pin point exactly what is wrong. I myself found forums for building up my self confidence and low self esteem and hey presto they worked, I just had to get out what was going on and see what others had to say which you are doing now, it helps though if you can see if there are other people who have been in your situation.

Your not a weak person, just a guy that was kicked too many times and didn't recover, as for feeling ugly that can do with blaming yourself too many times of what went wrong, what didn't happen, somethings eating you up inside the key is finding what that weed is and tackling it. There's self help books out there but the trouble is finding the right one who you like to get started. All I can say is Google Google Google. As to getting back to that guy you used to be, start doing those things you used to do before you changed, stuff that makes you happy and lifts your mood. Find other sites that reflect the guy you used to be.
 

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