Mom/Parents Holding Me Back/Not Sure What to Do

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warrior452

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This might not be the right board for this topic, but I wasn't sure where to post it.

I don't know what to do...I'm a 23 year old man. I made a lot of poor academic choices during my first two years of college. My third year of school started off rough, but I started to slowly overcome the obstacles I made for myself. I was promoted at work. I passed classes I had failed or that had been hard for me. I was starting to make things work. Due to past consequences, I was bumped from a bachelors to associates degree, but I was doing well, and I was set to graduate with no hitches. My plan was just to be done, and then save and go back for a second degree.

My mom has always been obsessive about stuff all through high school. Getting in arguments with me over how I sat, or if I made a certain face, or what direction I combed my hair. If I dressed a certain way. Any huge mistake was treated as World War 3. At the end of year 3, she told me she'd had enough, and even though I wanted to stay and finish, I dropped out of college, rather than deal with arguing with her. Her and my father hadn't paid for any of my college bill since my freshman year, with the exception of about $200.

It's been a hard year. I decided not to return, and then last minute the university got a hold of me and was going to rush me through stuff in August, just so I could go back. She shut me down hard. I only have a semester of work left.

She made me get the first job home I could get ahold of, which happened to be fast food and a convenience store. Leaving school completely threw my whole life plan. I honestly have no idea what I want to do, and there are only so many choices that my parents will support. So, as a coping mechanism, I paid the minimums on my bills and nickel-and-dimed the rest away on shopping. I never missed a bill.

Now, this pissed my parents off. Before I explain, some background...

Three years ago, I asked to move out for the summer with a guy friend from school. We found a cheap apartment, and I had the money. It would've been tough, but we could've made it work. I was 20. I was told that I was irresponsible and unable to take care of myself. Two summers ago, I was looking into staying with two other friends. Was told the same thing - I needed to come home, because that wasn't a good thing for me.

If I were to move out, I would be able to support myself. I wouldn't have anything left over. But I could handle rent, my loans, and bills. My parents treat me like I would be out on the streets. They told me that they were helping me out to help me save and start over. They refuse to let me pay them rent or help with groceries, but in turn, I have to do what work they ask for around the house, abide by their rules (many of which I was under as a teenager).

So, all of this came to a boiling point yesterday. I was told that I should be thankful that my parents allowed me to come back home (when in reality I was given the option of come home, or risk our anger/ruining our relationship) and that if it weren't for them caring for them, I would be out on the streets living off of food stamps, living in government housing. I regularly pay for grocery stuff for them. I have offered to pay them rent.
 I work 45-60 hours a week. I'm far from lazy. I just have very little savings. 

She continued to say that I'm a fool. I was told that I'm functionally unable to take care of myself, and that I don't deserve to be treated like an adult, and that they're going to stage an intervention until I "fix myself." "Fixing myself" includes losing 75 pounds, listening to this weight-loss podcast and this conservative money management show daily, journaling daily, doing a certain amount of housework daily to earn my place, paying off $25,000 in student loans before I move out, etc.

Not to mention the fact that there are still arguments on what I wear, where I go, who I'm with, what music I listen to, etc.

I have pursued 4 different girls just within the last few years, and have either been told "Your gross," "I just don't see myself with you," or "I'm just not interested." I got told yesterday by my mom that I never pursue girls, and then I complain that "Oh, woe is me. I don't have a girlfriend."


It's depressing. And I'm told that I'm angry, spiteful, and vindictive. I want to stand up for myself, but I'm not sure what I deserve to demand, and what I need to give them. I want to be fair, but their behavior is controling my life, and it's depressing. I don't know what to do.
 
If you want to move out and are capable of doing it, even if it's just barely making it, do it. Just because someone - anyone, even your parents - tells you that you're unable to do it, you don't have to listen. You chose to listen to their words. You don't have to. If they make you feel like you must listen to them, there's a deeper issue.
 
You need to move out. My parents were too controlling but not abusive as yours sound. I spent two years trying to get away from them and finally found a way out by doing something they would be happy with (go to graduate school). But, I was absolutely able to handle anything that was thrown at me. But the parents never really thought I would be. It wasn't MY fault they had no idea who I was. I find that family sometimes make up stories about who you are and can't see who you really are. Your parents could also be afraid that you will move out and are trying to resist that by tearing you down.

You are absolutely capable of anything you put your mind to. As are most people.
 
Your parents are ********.

They will destroy you.

How do I know?

Because my parents were ********, and they almost destroyed me.


The advice to lose weight, to learn to budget and journal spendings, to prioritize paying off loans, etc, is GOOD advice.

However, they WAY they are saying these things is BAD.

They sound emotionally abusive.

Sometimes, it's not what you say, but how you say it, that matters to people.


EmilyFoxSeaton said:
You need to move out. My parents were too controlling but not abusive as yours sound. I spent two years trying to get away from them and finally found a way out by doing something they would be happy with (go to graduate school). But, I was absolutely able to handle anything that was thrown at me. But the parents never really thought I would be. It wasn't MY fault they had no idea who I was. I find that family sometimes make up stories about who you are and can't see who you really are.   Your parents could also be afraid that you will move out and are trying to resist that by tearing you down.

You are absolutely capable of anything you put your mind to. As are most people.

Agreed.

This part: "Family sometimes make up stories about who you are..."

^ Oh yes

Family are often deeply invested in defining you, putting you into a box, and keeping you there for their OWN needs.
 
To call someone's parents to be ******** is a bit extreme and rude. They didn't do anything to the rest of us. And we're only hearing his side. We have no idea the other side of the situation.
 
Regardless of your reasons, you CHOSE to go back to your parents house. You knew what it would be like, so that's entirely on you. If you want to move out, do it. If you want to go back to college, do it. It's your life, you are an adult.

I don't mean any offense, but it kind of sounds like you are using them as an excuse not to do what you want. I could be wrong, but that's the impression I get from what you wrote.

You are living under their roof, and regardless of whether you pay rent or not, it's THEIR house, which means it's THEIR rules. Doesn't matter if those rules are ridiculous or not. If you choose to continue to live there, you're just going to have to deal with it.
 
It's very hard to reply to this fairly because your post entirely features your PoV of your parents and what they get you to do/say to you. You don't really talk about yourself much in the context of the relationship here at all - only your parent's perception of you. This makes it tough to judge how accurate your parent's perception of you is, and how accurate your opinion of their conduct is.

I'm no psychoanalyst but the way the post was presented suggests to me that there's a very combative relationship there and you see them as "wrong", even in a sort of subtle sense. Maybe they are, of course - I'm not saying that they are right, or I side with them.

However, if you find girls find you unattractive and your parents are suggesting you lose weight, that sounds like a pretty reasonable thing for them to say and a sensible thing for you to work on.

Personally I would sit down and have a good look at yourself and where your life is going from as much of an objective, neutral viewpoint as you can. Stop thinking about your feelings in this matter and just think about the facts. Do you need to lose weight? Are you angry all the time? Is there a job you wished you had?

Similarly, how would your parents feel if you moved out? They must love you a lot to be happy with your living with them - it sounds like their stifling behaviour is misguided concern.

For the record I'm a little older and I live at home at the moment too, so I know how it can be frustrating. But it's all about compromise and being fair both to them and yourself.
 
I understand that it's not as simple as some people would make out to be and emotional manipulation can drive you to the furthest, darkest corners in your mind. To be honest, I wouldn't be too optimistic that something will change if you decide to talk it out with them - but you could try, maybe we'll be surprised.
I know that moving out now while making so little plus paying the student loans and having no savings wouldn't be ideal, but if you want some peace and to feel free emotionally you'll probably have to go through some of those struggles that you know would be awaiting.

Remember to act like the independent adult that you are, don't let your parents be involved in too much and don't look for their take on certain things. Some of this advice really is good and I'll agree with TheSolitaryMan when it comes to that: If they weren't concerned, they wouldn't care if you're overwheight or spending all your money on frivolous things and not organizing... But they still should show you some support and that'd build up the confidence you need to not be so hesitant in taking life into your own hands. It's much easier to listen when someone puts you down instead of when they lift you up, but try to ignore that from your parents - make a note in your mind to disregard it. I know it's complicated when you feel the need to have a relationship with them but you need to remember that family is the people that care for you, support you, push you forward in life and if your biological one doesn't treat you like a valuable part of the family, choose your own.
 
VanillaCreme said:
To call someone's parents to be ******** is a bit extreme and rude. They didn't do anything to the rest of us. And we're only hearing his side. We have no idea the other side of the situation.

OK :)

I should have said...

"Based on how you've described your parents, they sound like they might be ********."
 
OP here - to back up a little bit, probably shouldn't have posted when I did. I was angry, having come off of an argument with my parents.

I will admit to childish behavior and stupid mistakes in the past. So I see and appreciate the money management advice and the life advice. I know they're concerned parents.

My issue comes when they tell their 23 year old adult son that he will not be considered an adult until they feel like he's "arrived", that he can't move out of their house until they feel he's ready, that he MUST allow them input into his finances. Censoring social media, and telling me I'm uninformed, and that I'm not allowed to share opinions, as an adult, that conflict with theirs. The emotional guilt-tripping. That's the issue I have. It's effected every area of my life.

I know it can be said that I am forcing this on myself by moving back and then staying, but it's hard. My whole life, the message has been "do what we say without objection, or else it will cause damage to our relationship and it will be completely and only your fault." Yesterday my dad compared our family to my moms blended family (who all hate each other), and said we're heading for something like that, and it will be due to my "bad choices."
 
warrior452 said:
My issue comes when they tell their 23 year old adult son that he will not be considered an adult until they feel like he's "arrived", that he can't move out of their house until they feel he's ready, that he MUST allow them input into his finances. 

Have you considered that they will feel you have arrived when you stand up and tell them your going to live your own life and even if there feelings are hurt temporarily they will learn to support you. 

Kind of sounds to me like maybe they are so pushy because they are afraid you will on their couch for the rest of their lives.
 
Move out. Definitely.
But bear this in mind: Don't leave with hate. Leave for freedom. Freedom matters the most.

Don't suffocate yourself due to these women. Offcourse they will call you uselsess, or gross, for them, it is not a profitable business to be with you. What do you have to offer to them, at the moment?

Remember: If you continue to stay with your mother, she will make you feminine. Instead of fulfilling your goals and changing the world like a real man, you will be crying over stuff like, "Oh that girl is not interested in me." ..... oh wait, you already are. I have been there, and seen it.


Don't be afraid. You are a man. Stand up on your own feet, become independent, do what you want to do. Of parents and of women. that doesn't mean hate them, just don't depend on them for your happiness. A girl who is not interested in you, doesn't deserve you. Think like that. When you have enough worth, girls will suddenly be interested in you. Don't worry. Then you can choose the one you want to be with and reject the rest.

But for now, go your own way. Create something for the world. Or whatever you love to do.

Good luck
 
Warrior452, 

I’m sorry to hear about the situation you’re in. It is very confusing and that long lasting situation can cause great frustration as it seems like unending and there seems to be a hard time of communication between both parties. I can imagine how that can cause you to have the feelings you’re feeling right now. 

Have you thought about the option of perhaps reaching out to relatives or family members who may know you and your family well? I’m not sure where you live is relatively close to family but that may be one option. Family often stick together and often when I counsel clients (couples) who usually the offended party in grave danger of physical violence, we recommend often for legal separation for awhile (This is not divorce) and refer them to family members. 

I know it is a sticky, confusing, frustrating topic you’re speaking of and I hope this was helpful. However, I want you to know there’s always hope and people are willing to listen to you here and help you in the midst of it. 

Praying for you. 
 

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