My friend is a rape victim (Help?)

[BlackCat]

Title says it all. I haven't known her for long (about 6 months) and this happened about 2 years ago. After it happened she basically couldn't and still cannot think about anything else. She lost all of her self esteem... She thinks she is a bad person. Just overall depressed. She had been talking to a guy for about 4 years over the net from England. They got to liking each other and met up 2 years ago. One night he snuck in and they wanted to fool around. He wasn't supposed to have snuck in to do anything. He wanted to have sex with her and she wasn't ready. So the ******* did it anyway. There was nothing she could have done, her parents are psychopaths I swear... So she couldn't scream or anything. She had to take it.

Afterwards he wouldn't quit trying to talk to her.

But things get more interesting. I got to know her through my best friend, who is trying to initiate a relationship. She "isn't ready" for another relationship, but they both have feelings for each other. I think the only way to resolve this is for them to get in a relationship and for him to prove he won't betray her like the rapist did. It's pretty much all my friend can think about all the time. She won't even kiss when she is around people. Not even around me, and we are all close to each other. She wasn't like this before the crime keep in mind.

I have told her to get rid of anything and everything that reminds her of him. An example is a belt she wears that he gave her. I have NO IDEA why she would still have that. He also gave her an engagement ring (what a *******) the day before the act I'm pretty sure. Once I get my license back we are going to return that ring to get rid of it. For no reason she can't stop thinking about him, even though she hates his guts.

So yeah. Does anyone have anything they can say? It really makes her uncomfortable to think about it, and talking about it isn't much better. She won't talk to other rape victims or get therapy because her parents would freak. Also her dad is weird and looks through the internet history. Plus he has the option to delete history behind a password only he knows. So she is out of luck when it comes to contacting other victims even if she wanted to.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Title says it all. I haven't known her for long (about 6 months) and this happened about 2 years ago. After it happened she basically couldn't and still cannot think about anything else. She lost all of her self esteem... She thinks she is a bad person. Just overall depressed. She had been talking to a guy for about 4 years over the net from England. They got to liking each other and met up 2 years ago. One night he snuck in and they wanted to fool around. He wasn't supposed to have snuck in to do anything. He wanted to have sex with her and she wasn't ready. So the ******* did it anyway. There was nothing she could have done, her parents are psychopaths I swear... So she couldn't scream or anything. She had to take it.

Afterwards he wouldn't quit trying to talk to her.

But things get more interesting. I got to know her through my best friend, who is trying to initiate a relationship. She "isn't ready" for another relationship, but they both have feelings for each other. I think the only way to resolve this is for them to get in a relationship and for him to prove he won't betray her like the rapist did. It's pretty much all my friend can think about all the time. She won't even kiss when she is around people. Not even around me, and we are all close to each other. She wasn't like this before the crime keep in mind.

I have told her to get rid of anything and everything that reminds her of him. An example is a belt she wears that he gave her. I have NO IDEA why she would still have that. He also gave her an engagement ring (what a *******) the day before the act I'm pretty sure. Once I get my license back we are going to return that ring to get rid of it. For no reason she can't stop thinking about him, even though she hates his guts.

So yeah. Does anyone have anything they can say? It really makes her uncomfortable to think about it, and talking about it isn't much better. She won't talk to other rape victims or get therapy because her parents would freak. Also her dad is weird and looks through the internet history. Plus he has the option to delete history behind a password only he knows. So she is out of luck when it comes to contacting other victims even if she wanted to.

Since it's obvious that she can't get help through traditional means, and the internet is out for her, maybe YOU could find another means to help her. If she is comfortable with talking to you about things, I'm sure that you could find resources online that would give you some insight as to what might help her. I will assume that she is young because of the reference to her living with her parents and the control over her that you mentioned. I've never been in her situation, but it appears that she had deep feelings for this person and he betrayed her in the most callous way imaginable. The scars, especially the emotional ones, will be deep and how far the ripples will go is unknown. Your caring support will go far in helping her as well. She is lucky to have a friend who is willing to do all they can to help her. Be there for her and remember that something was taken from her that she may never get back - her self-esteem.
And as for why she still has the things that he gave her, well, she was apparently in love with him for a very long time. Fierce love can bring (through that kind of betrayal) can bring fierce hatred. There's a fine line that comes between love and hate and in her situation, those lines may be blurring. You may never know why she still clings to those things that he gave her. Try not to judge her for it - she obviously has a reason, even if she doesn't know it herself. Try some of the links below. Maybe there will be some info that is of use in her specific situation. I'm sure that others here on the forum, with more knowlege than me, may have some better links. I pray that your friend is able to overcome this adversity and live well. It will take time, so please continue to be pateint with her and maybe you could counsel your friend not to rush her, etc. Good luck, Blackcat. (hug)

Eve


This first link seemed to be the better of the two, giving specific examples of what you, as a friend, can do to help.
http://www.zachariascenter.org/pubHowCanIHelp.htm
http://www.crisiscenterforwomen.org/ccfw/assault.html

 

[Bluey]

I think she is doing well to confide in you like she is. You are a good friend to her by the sounds of it and are doing everything you can just by being there and lessening to her.

I don't think it would be such a good idea to go back to this guy even just to give him the ring back. But if she feels this well make it easier to move on and prov to her self that she's not frightened of him in some way then why not. She and you would know better. Just make sure you go with her if this is what she wants to do. Make her promise you that she well not go alone. And above all no matter how tempting it is do not get physical with this guy. It well not make her feel any better. All though it might make you feel better but also might give you a criminal record as well. I would say he's not worth that. I would say he's not worth much actually.

Just continue to be the friend you are.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Just make sure you go with her if this is what she wants to do. Make her promise you that she well not go alone. And above all no matter how tempting it is do not get physical with this guy. It well not make her feel any better. All though it might make you feel better but also might give you a criminal record as well. I would say he's not worth that. I would say he's not worth much actually.

Just continue to be the friend you are.

You are right, as always, Bluey, but wouldn't it feel so good to pop that dude right between the eyes!!!!!

 

[Bluey]

Just make sure you go with her if this is what she wants to do. Make her promise you that she well not go alone. And above all no matter how tempting it is do not get physical with this guy. It well not make her feel any better. All though it might make you feel better but also might give you a criminal record as well. I would say he's not worth that. I would say he's not worth much actually.

Just continue to be the friend you are.

You are right, as always, Bluey, but wouldn't it feel so good to pop that dude right between the eyes!!!!!

Ye it would, But I don't think that's the way to go. It well acheve nothing.

Actually I thought your advice was good and gave your post a 5 rating if you look.

 

[Steel]

Ok, I have been in the situation of having a friend who was raped, and while it can be frustrating, there needs to be an awful lot of patience involved. Quite often, it seemed to me that the things she would say weren't particularly logical, and she would run a whole gamut of emotions in a very short time span. But everyone is different, and there are no rules. All I did was listen a lot, even if it wasn't anything to do with it, and occasionally tell her she was being unfair on herself.

I also completely agree with the wise words of Eve and Bluey.

 

[BlackCat]

Wow. Thanks for all of the replies! I forgot that this happened LAST!!!!! summer, not 2 years ago. I didn't have my thoughts gathered I guess, so sorry.

I also forgot to mention that she recently turned 16 in March. So, that makes it a lot more troublesome, because I remember how I dealt with some things when I was 16 (2 years ago) and they weren't exactly productive. Thanks for all the great replies.

 

[Robin]

Really nice work here people! =)

How are You doing otherwise BC? It's nice to see You post again btw!

 

[BlackCat]

@Robin: Not doing much, this summer is just wake up, go to work or get on the computer, sleep. I post a lot on here 0o I guess I just haven't started a thread in a while.

 

[Leef `c]

You didn't mention if she told him she didn't want to do anything. People use the term "rape" too loosely. If I talked to someone over the net for 4 years & put all of my time into talking to her then spent money to go see the person I'd expect a piece of the cake as well.

I mean, he still wanted to talk to her after, so he obviously still cared about her.

I think it's also her fault for her letting him in to "fool around" that just encourages the behavior.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Just make sure you go with her if this is what she wants to do. Make her promise you that she well not go alone. And above all no matter how tempting it is do not get physical with this guy. It well not make her feel any better. All though it might make you feel better but also might give you a criminal record as well. I would say he's not worth that. I would say he's not worth much actually.

Just continue to be the friend you are.

You are right, as always, Bluey, but wouldn't it feel so good to pop that dude right between the eyes!!!!!

Ye it would, But I don't think that's the way to go. It well acheve nothing.

Actually I thought your advice was good and gave your post a 5 rating if you look.

lol, Bluey, I have no idea where to find a post rating. Software needs to be developed: Chat forums for Dummies, lol.

 

[EveWasFramed]

You didn't mention if she told him she didn't want to do anything. People use the term "rape" too loosely. If I talked to someone over the net for 4 years & put all of my time into talking to her then spent money to go see the person I'd expect a piece of the cake as well.

I mean, he still wanted to talk to her after, so he obviously still cared about her.

I think it's also her fault for her letting him in to "fool around" that just encourages the behavior.

There is positively never ANY excuse for forcing unwanted "attention" on a woman (or a man, if applicable). What a person may or may not "expect" is irrelevant. And to assign fault to a child ,who was FIFTEEN years old at the time, is not reasonable. The kind of situation she was in is not something any 15 year old should ever have to find themselves in. While I agree that she shouldn't have let him in the door, how many people will say that 15 is old enough to make rational decisions when it comes to love and very strong emotions? And, (this is an assumption) if the guy was 18 or older, it's against the law in most states and considered statutory rape. Spending money to see someone doesn't give them the right to violate that person, physically nor emotionally. And something else...do the math. If she was 15 at the time it happened, that means she was only ELEVEN years old when she started talking to him. Just a child. How sad for her, since she will probably suffer the effects for the rest of her life. She should be given empathy, not blame.

 

[BlackCat]

To clarify, he did the act. It was an actual rape. She wasn't ready to have sex yet, but he did anyway. And there was nothing that she could do to get him to stop either. Thank god she didn't get pregnant, that would have been really bad. She probibally would have gotten an abortion, but that would make things bad at home.

This will stay with her her entire life. I just hope she gets past this soon, she has had a year. Since I've been talking to her and since my friend has been talking to her there has been a noticeable improvement in how she is.

 

[Leef `c]

You didn't mention if she told him she didn't want to do anything. People use the term "rape" too loosely. If I talked to someone over the net for 4 years & put all of my time into talking to her then spent money to go see the person I'd expect a piece of the cake as well.

I mean, he still wanted to talk to her after, so he obviously still cared about her.

I think it's also her fault for her letting him in to "fool around" that just encourages the behavior.

There is positively never ANY excuse for forcing unwanted "attention" on a woman (or a man, if applicable). What a person may or may not "expect" is irrelevant. And to assign fault to a child ,who was FIFTEEN years old at the time, is not reasonable. The kind of situation she was in is not something any 15 year old should ever have to find themselves in. While I agree that she shouldn't have let him in the door, how many people will say that 15 is old enough to make rational decisions when it comes to love and very strong emotions? And, (this is an assumption) if the guy was 18 or older, it's against the law in most states and considered statutory rape. Spending money to see someone doesn't give them the right to violate that person, physically nor emotionally. And something else...do the math. If she was 15 at the time it happened, that means she was only ELEVEN years old when she started talking to him. Just a child. How sad for her, since she will probably suffer the effects for the rest of her life. She should be given empathy, not blame.

I completely and totally agree with Eve here; there is NEVER, EVER any excuse for another human being to take advantage of another, particularly someone who is too young to really be aware of how many predators there are in the world.. This poor girl will be suffering the effects of that traumatic experience her entire life.. And it is she who has all my sympathies...

I just don't get why this would cause her problems for the rest of her life. I mean she should have figured out by now that this was all caused by her own stupidity and that she should smart up & drop it.

Just like a girl to make things overly dramatic.

Now, if she was walking down the street and some guy came up and hit her over the head with a bat then raped her, I would feel bad for her.

 

[Leef `c]

Also again. This happened in her own house I'm taking. She knows she was in the wrong that's why she didn't yell when the guy was performing this act.

If it was really bothering her wouldn't she yell for her parents? Even if they would've beat her ass afterward? Seems to me this girl is just an attention whore.

 

[Bluey]

I just don't get why this would cause her problems for the rest of her life. I mean she should have figured out by now that this was all caused by her own stupidity and that she should smart up & drop it.

Just like a girl to make things overly dramatic.

Now, if she was walking down the street and some guy came up and hit her over the head with a bat then raped her, I would feel bad for her.

She was forced to have sex against her well and I am assuming that she was a virgin be for this and well never be able to choose her first love because it has been taken away from her and you wonder why this well affect her for the rest of her life. What the fresia have you been smoking man?

Also again. This happened in her own house I'm taking. She knows she was in the wrong that's why she didn't yell when the guy was performing this act.

If it was really bothering her wouldn't she yell for her parents? Even if they would've beat her ass afterward? Seems to me this girl is just an attention whore.

I don't care if she was in the same room laying there with a vibrator up her naked. She said no

And how dose it make her an attention whore? She to what I can make out was only doing what most young ladies do. She should have been allowed to go at her own past. Now she well probably have trust issues for the rest of her life.

Sixtyten man, Think be for you post. Cos this mate is not a good way to think. Of course your entitled to your opinion but this for me is way of what you should be thinking.

Also, (this bit not for you Sixtyten) But we don't know how old the guy was. He might have been her age. Not that it makes it any better.

 

[Leef `c]

I just don't get why this would cause her problems for the rest of her life. I mean she should have figured out by now that this was all caused by her own stupidity and that she should smart up & drop it.

Just like a girl to make things overly dramatic.

Now, if she was walking down the street and some guy came up and hit her over the head with a bat then raped her, I would feel bad for her.

She was forced to have sex against her well and I am assuming that she was a virgin be for this and well never be able to choose her first love because it has been taken away from her and you wonder why this well affect her for the rest of her life. What the fresia have you been smoking man?

Also again. This happened in her own house I'm taking. She knows she was in the wrong that's why she didn't yell when the guy was performing this act.

If it was really bothering her wouldn't she yell for her parents? Even if they would've beat her ass afterward? Seems to me this girl is just an attention whore.

I don't care if she was in the same room laying there with a vibrator up her naked. She said no

And how dose it make her an attention whore? She to what I can make out was only doing what most young ladies do. She should have been allowed to go at her own past. Now she well probably have trust issues for the rest of her life.

Sixtyten man, Think be for you post. Cos this mate is not a good way to think. Of course your entitled to your opinion but this for me is way of what you should be thinking.

Also, (this bit not for you Sixtyten) But we don't know how old the guy was. He might have been her age. Not that it makes it any better.

So, it's perfectly normal for 11 year old girls to go on the internet and get in a relationship with a guy from England?

I'm a nice guy. I would never think that rape is right, but there's so much she could have done to avoid it. She should have know when she let the guy in what she was getting into.

Blackcat said himself that she wanted to "fool around", if she wasn't ready then she shouldn't have showed signs in wanting sex or letting him in the first place.

So, I'm sticking by my post that she's an immature cock tease attention whore.

 

[Bluey]

I just don't get why this would cause her problems for the rest of her life. I mean she should have figured out by now that this was all caused by her own stupidity and that she should smart up & drop it.

Just like a girl to make things overly dramatic.

Now, if she was walking down the street and some guy came up and hit her over the head with a bat then raped her, I would feel bad for her.

She was forced to have sex against her well and I am assuming that she was a virgin be for this and well never be able to choose her first love because it has been taken away from her and you wonder why this well affect her for the rest of her life. What the fresia have you been smoking man?

Also again. This happened in her own house I'm taking. She knows she was in the wrong that's why she didn't yell when the guy was performing this act.

If it was really bothering her wouldn't she yell for her parents? Even if they would've beat her ass afterward? Seems to me this girl is just an attention whore.

I don't care if she was in the same room laying there with a vibrator up her naked. She said no

And how dose it make her an attention whore? She to what I can make out was only doing what most young ladies do. She should have been allowed to go at her own past. Now she well probably have trust issues for the rest of her life.

Sixtyten man, Think be for you post. Cos this mate is not a good way to think. Of course your entitled to your opinion but this for me is way of what you should be thinking.

Also, (this bit not for you Sixtyten) But we don't know how old the guy was. He might have been her age. Not that it makes it any better.

So, it's perfectly normal for 11 year old girls to go on the internet and get in a relationship with a guy from England?

I'm a nice guy. I would never think that rape is right, but there's so much she could have done to avoid it. She should have know when she let the guy in what she was getting into.

Blackcat said himself that she wanted to "fool around", if she wasn't ready then she shouldn't have showed signs in wanting sex or letting him in the first place.

So, I'm sticking by my post that she's an immature cock tease attention whore.

It is normal if the other guy is her age which he might be. Its also normal that young ppl well wont to fool around but not go all the way. Boys generally well always go all the way if they are allowed. When I was a young boy and was fooling around I did what most young boys did and pushed my luck and went as for as I was allowed but always stopped when told to. I would always respect the girls wishers. This girl may have fooled around and even flaunted. Its what you do when your getting romantically involved in any relationship. It still dose not justify rape. You never heard of first bass, second bass and all that. she was happy where she was at and should not had been made to go all the way. It is as simple as that. If a girl says no you stop even if you think she dose not mean it, No means NO, Simple. If you think the girl is teasing you unfairly you leave, This is also simple. If you do not and rape her cos you think she deserve it then you risk jail time. Again its that simple.

 

[BlackCat]

He is her age. I'm pretty sure they were friends in some online game... They didn't go on some dating or relationship site to meet. You would just have to understand the situation fully. She isn't an attention whore or stupid. I am not friends with ignorant or shallow people.

I think this will haunt her for the rest of her life because of the betrayal. Honestly. They had been talking for a LONG time! They loved each other. Then THAT happens. That is enough to convince someone that they cannot love again, and that is what happened. At least now she acknowledges that she can, but she isn't ready yet.

People do overseas relationships. They are just tough. I know people that have gotten married to someone they met online, and it was a big deal because they had to move. Just saying, it can happen.

She wasn't expecting that to happen, she trusted him and told him she didn't want to have sex. She made him PROMISE to not try to do it. Keep in mind they had NEVER done anything person to person in that way or form, I would have gotten a little intimate if that was the last chance I would have to see someone I loved for a while.

@SixtyTen: Don't just say things like that about people you don't know. I am trying to get some support here because this is overall a stressful situation for everyone. Remember, Assume = Ass u me. Ass of you and me.

 

[Leef `c]

He is her age. I'm pretty sure they were friends in some online game... They didn't go on some dating or relationship site to meet. You would just have to understand the situation fully. She isn't an attention whore or stupid. I am not friends with ignorant or shallow people.

I think this will haunt her for the rest of her life because of the betrayal. Honestly. They had been talking for a LONG time! They loved each other. Then THAT happens. That is enough to convince someone that they cannot love again, and that is what happened. At least now she acknowledges that she can, but she isn't ready yet.

People do overseas relationships. They are just tough. I know people that have gotten married to someone they met online, and it was a big deal because they had to move. Just saying, it can happen.

She wasn't expecting that to happen, she trusted him and told him she didn't want to have sex. She made him PROMISE to not try to do it. Keep in mind they had NEVER done anything person to person in that way or form, I would have gotten a little intimate if that was the last chance I would have to see someone I loved for a while.

@SixtyTen: Don't just say things like that about people you don't know. I am trying to get some support here because this is overall a stressful situation for everyone. Remember, Assume = Ass u me. Ass of you and me.

I'm sorry for my assumptions. You just didn't make her out to be the most innocent person in your first post about this. I do apologize.