my girlfriend decides this week - any advice?

[lonely_visionary]

background:
I joined this site earlier in the week because I'd met a great girl (after being lonely for far too many years), but the last date didn't feel special so I thought I was losing her. Well good news, I'm not losing her, but she says this week is the crunch decision week. So any advice is appreciated!

the decision:
She has young kids, but the men have never stuck around. She has developed a strong independence - she can raise them well on her own. The biggest issue is that she will not risk her kids getting attached to someone new who might leave, or who she might grow tired of. So she has developed a strong mental barrier to letting another man get close. This week she is deciding whether she can break that barrier for me. Obviously I want her to decide yes!

the issues that must be resolved:
1. mental barriers to commitment:
All her experience is with unreliable men. She knows that I would not leave, but her life has not taught her to value commitment, it never goes well for her. I need her to really love the idea of commitment,.

2. seeing me as to serious:
When we speak online I can be a joker and she likes that. But when we're together my brain goes to mush and I come across as too serious. I need her to know that if this becomes permanent (so the pressure is off) I will be more fun to be around.

3. making the best use of hugging:
She is not tactile - she does not naturally hug. Also, previous daters have tried to be too forward, so if I take control physically it may backfire. However, she does like it when WE hug (and we have only just started kissing), and she says then the barriers feel thinner. Naturally I want to capitalize on this!!!!!!!! But how? The next time we meet will be on a shopping trip with her best friend around, so opportunities will be few. This friend will help her decide if I am The One. How tactile should I be then? Should I talk about physical stuff with her online before then?

Any ideas for what I should do in these three areas?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Just relax and be yourself. It's worked so far. Don't be pushy, with her or her kids. If you prove to her to be the kind of dude that's nice and calm, she may open up to you.

 

[SofiasMami]

Something just strikes me as being a little "off" about this scenario. But I agree with Vanilla, just relax and don't over-think things.

Teresa

 

[A new life]

I agree with the previous two.
Something not quiet right, and just relax.

 

[alonewanderer]

How long have you known this girl and how many times have you seen her?

I don't let anyone get close to my son until after mmmaybe 6 months, I'd never leave him alone with anyone until a year after.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Errr...One Date?

Going through kind of the samething with my GF.

It's not the easiest thing in the world. Ive been in relationships where raised other dudes children.
I still have a close relationship with one of my step duaghters. I love her very much. She's not closed
to her mom..for whatever reasons.
My step son dosnt even talk to me even though I raised him and provide for him.

If she dosnt want you to get involve with her children...don't
But fucken some women change thier minds or play fucken games when the bills has to get paid...

Tread...lightly dude. As you said..it's been a while so don't get too desperate N honeysuckle.

Anyhow...I do remind her. I'm not the other dudes in her life...and thats, that.
I'm not going to pay for the consequence for the rest of the mother ******* that screwed her over.

While I myself had given her reasons to not fully trust. I'm responsible for my
wreackages I've caused in her life. Thats what i'm reponsible for.

At the sametime I do understand..that I myself shouldnt be blaming her for honeysuckle
that other women did to me. I'm not perfect at it and i've also gone through
a couple of relationships to be able to separate.

anywho...my woman say i need to get off the PC or this sight
if I don't wanna be alone or lonely anymore.lol

 

[Kenny]

You are screwed. You are trying to be something you are not for this girl.

No one meets my kids. Not unless I was to get engaged again.

There is just no need for it.

 

[alonewanderer]

I agree with Kenny, I've seen it happen too many times where someone will agree and claim to want something just to have it all unravel a few years later.

Always a painful sight, especially when you're arguing with your best friend trying to hammer the point home years earlier and the kids are the one's who suffer the greatest in the end.

 

[Callie]

This doesn't seem quite right to me either. It's almost like you're trying to get help in duping her. I'm not saying this is exactly what you are doing, but just that it seems that way.

As a person with kids, I can pretty much guarantee you that you will never win out over her kids, her kids will ALWAYS come first. If she does let you in her kids' lives, you will have a very big impact on them and that fact, for a parent, is scary as hell.

Who cares about what kind of opportunity you have. If you like the girl and are genuinely serious about her, you will be yourself and not try to MAKE her see that you are sincere, cuz that will usually backfire. Just be who you are and let the decision up to her and whoever else she trusts.

 

[athwart]

background:
I joined this site earlier in the week because I'd met a great girl (after being lonely for far too many years), but the last date didn't feel special so I thought I was losing her. Well good news, I'm not losing her, but she says this week is the crunch decision week. So any advice is appreciated!

the decision:
She has young kids, but the men have never stuck around. She has developed a strong independence - she can raise them well on her own. The biggest issue is that she will not risk her kids getting attached to someone new who might leave, or who she might grow tired of. So she has developed a strong mental barrier to letting another man get close. This week she is deciding whether she can break that barrier for me. Obviously I want her to decide yes!

the issues that must be resolved:
1. mental barriers to commitment:
All her experience is with unreliable men. She knows that I would not leave, but her life has not taught her to value commitment, it never goes well for her. I need her to really love the idea of commitment,.

2. seeing me as to serious:
When we speak online I can be a joker and she likes that. But when we're together my brain goes to mush and I come across as too serious. I need her to know that if this becomes permanent (so the pressure is off) I will be more fun to be around.

3. making the best use of hugging:
She is not tactile - she does not naturally hug. Also, previous daters have tried to be too forward, so if I take control physically it may backfire. However, she does like it when WE hug (and we have only just started kissing), and she says then the barriers feel thinner. Naturally I want to capitalize on this!!!!!!!! But how? The next time we meet will be on a shopping trip with her best friend around, so opportunities will be few. This friend will help her decide if I am The One. How tactile should I be then? Should I talk about physical stuff with her online before then?

Any ideas for what I should do in these three areas?

Be patient, don't overthink this, don't smother. Let her lead the way.

---

One more thing. The fact that she *IS* giving you the time of day *NOW* speaks volumes to her interest in you. Be her friend and take any expectations of the future off the table. Live in the moment, enjoy yourself.

 

[lonely_visionary]

Thanks for all the advice and suggestions. Things have calmed down a little - last week she was very angry with her ex, so started thinking about serious choices. I did not want to risk losing her, hence this thread. This week we're back on a slower and healthier trajectory.

How long have I known her? It feels like my whole life

Regarding being myself - being myself has given me 30 years of loneliness. I am more than ready for a change. One of these things that really attracts me to her is her lifestyle is one I could so easily adopt, and enjoy.

Regarding overthinking - as a general principle I don't think overthinking is logically possible. Thinking is a way of extracting truth, and we can never have too much truth. However, it is common to underthink some area - e.g. focus on some detail while missing the big picture. I try to avoid that by getting others' opinions, e.g. this thread.

Thanks again for the replies.

 

[athwart]

WAY off the subject... are you a geolibertarian?

 

[lonely_visionary]

WAY off the subject... are you a geolibertarian?

Pretty much. I disagree on some fundamentals (specifically on the nature of property), but I'm probably closer to geolibertarianism than any other established view.

 

[Kenny]

I did not want to risk losing her,

You've mentioned this at least twice now.

Stop worrying about losing her,

Start worrying about losing yourself OR being wrong for her.

Worrying about losing her is your own insecurity and neediness.

Worry about losing yourself or being wrong for her is an emotionally mature and healthy outlook.

We don't change ourselves to HOLD ONTO people. We BE ourselves and HOPE to hold onto people.

 

[alonewanderer]

Regarding being myself - being myself has given me 30 years of loneliness. I am more than ready for a change. One of these things that really attracts me to her is her lifestyle is one I could so easily adopt, and enjoy.

That is a particularly worrisome comment, once you learn to not want, then everything falls in place. Take for example what if you met her before she ever had children and treated you the exact same....just a notion to ponder. Just like the cliche term, plenty of fish in the sea. No matter how unique you feel as though you are there are at the very least 6 others exactly like you ....in India.

 

[lonely_visionary]

We don't change ourselves to HOLD ONTO people. We BE ourselves and HOPE to hold onto people.

Hope schmope. Hope doesn't keep you warm at night. When you love someone you adapt to them, and they adapt to you. Love without compromise is not love, it's narcissism.

plenty of fish in the sea. No matter how unique you feel as though you are there are at the very least 6 others exactly like you ....in India.

I could disprove that very easily, but I have no interest in arguing.

 

[Kenny]

We don't change ourselves to HOLD ONTO people. We BE ourselves and HOPE to hold onto people.

Hope schmope. Hope doesn't keep you warm at night. When you love someone you adapt to them, and they adapt to you. Love without compromise is not love, it's narcissism.

You are wrong. When you adapt to a woman she will stop respecting you, then she will stop seeing you as a sexual being, then she will friendzone you.

As the man in the relationship you are charged with the responsibility to be a man. To be a determined creature of beliefs, boundaries, limits and strengths. If you seek to conform yourself around her whims, it is destined to failure. You aren't the first to attempt what you are suggesting. Also, being unapologetically yourself is not narcissism, it is strength (masculinity).

 

[SophiaGrace]

. No matter how unique you feel as though you are there are at the very least 6 others exactly like you ....in India.

I loled.

It's TRUE!

 

[jales]

I like the way you think visionary

and both you and Kenny have great points. I just wanted to say that you are right in my opinion, relationships are about compromise. I don't feel like I am fake or acting or anything, but I would change myself for someone that I loved and I expect the same from them.

It's okay to be a bit nervous, I dont have any advice about how to act though. I have never been a parent in that situation, but you are sincere so like everyone else said, just be yourself and be honest.