somber_radiance said:
After a lot of introspection and meditation, I recently came to the realization that a big part of my feelings of loneliness/emptiness stem from a deep, deep hatred of myself.
All this hatred has been built up from years of disappointments (like constantly falling short of my expectations and personal goals) and that evil inner dialogue (that constantly cycles "I'm not good enough"). So over time, I have grown to hate silence or spending time alone, because it forces me to face the one person I hate the most in the world. Of course it doesn't help that I withdraw socially when I go through bad times, so I end up spending a lot of alone time festering in hate and depression, which only exacerbates things.
How do you forgive yourself/like yourself again? How do you find enjoyment in solitude again?
I am not sure if you have found the cause of your loneliness/emptiness so much as a symptom of the cause. That sounded somewhat vague and a little weird so let me try and clarify with a couple of questions. By the way, I got my Psych degree from a Cracker Jack box, so the following is strictly a result of my own introspection and not from any formal education.
Where did this self hatred come from? From falling short of your own performances and expectations? Lots of people don't realize their goals and yet do not end up with such feelings (at least not for any prolonged period of time). They keep trying the same thing or they try something else.
I spent a lot of time feeling as you do now, but much soul searching revealed to me the cause as being years of systematic programming from an abusive stepmother and neglectful father. She constantly throughout my childhood beat into me the belief that I am worthless and unwanted. I ended up spending the majority of my adulthood believing those very things, and so I hated myself and I hated life in general. The feelings were the symptom, not the cause. The failure at meeting any self expectations was the result.
I am at the point now where Zett wrote,
You are always capable of being good enough you just haven't learned how, be resourceful and use the full extent of your world to your advantage (ie. internet research, books, mentors etc).
I am just plain too ignorant on how to live a "normal" life (but then, is there really such a thing?
).
Two other questions. First, are your expectations reasonable? It is possible for a person to set too high a goal for himself, taking into consideration where he presently is in life (knowledge, skills, tools, location, etc.) and so end up not succeeding. Set goals that are within reach. No matter how small they are, you will find success and move on to the next. Eventually, you can grow those expectations.
Second, seeking self forgiveness implies wrongdoing. I completely understand that a person can feel guilty after an acute or chronic trauma that resulted in himself or somebody else being harmed. A person who has done no wrong that caused such a trauma can still feel the need for forgiveness because he feels responsible for the pain. If the actual cause of your pain is not your fault, then you need no forgiveness. I wonder if it is somebody else who needs your forgiveness. I have not forgiven my parents; I probably never will, I don't know. She is now dead and I am visiting and helping him since he is growing aged and it is still the right thing to do. The resentment sits on my back as does the world on Atlas' back. Maybe my ministering to my father can help me let this go.
There is a lot of good advice on this thread. I am going to come back here and reread the posts made by the others so that I can retain some positive thoughts for each day. I wish the best for you and please keep us up to date on how things are progressing.
