My love life is made of fail...

[Silvernight]

4) Everything is great, he seems perfect... He's already taken.

I just can't seem to win at this relationship thing. Everyone always says "Don't worry about it, you're young, you've got plenty of time to find someone". But I can't even find a decent (or even sane) guy, let alone "Mr Right". What makes it worse is that some of my friends are already settling down, getting engaged, having kids... I just feel so behind.

It's not just me, right?

This. No guy I like is ever available or even pays the slightest bit of attention to me. It's really not just you. If it's any consolation, I'm 27 but never been in a relationship. It doesn't seem that I stand a chance of ever being good enough for anyone. I'm okay-looking, but not stunningly pretty. I'm also short (a little over 5 feet) and although it never bothered me personally, maybe that is also sort of a turn-off. There's a buttload of pretty girls/women in my country, pretty much every foreigner agrees with that, it's hard to compete. My (probably former) best friend is also married, we rarely ever meet and when she eventually has kids, rarely will become never. Hope never dies I guess, but I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I'm just not attractive to guys. It seems that just being yourself (not that I disagree with this bit of advice) does not always cut it. I try not to get in a serious funk over this stuff, I know it won't get me anywhere, so I just smile, laugh when I'm in public and carry on. But it's still hard, humans are simply not meant to be lonely.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

I have no problem if a guy I'm dating is also dating other people, and I make that clear when we start dating.

Is that a good idea? Personally I'd have thought allowing that kind of latitude would attract the wrong kind of guy. It might also make them think that you're not very serious about the relationship, even if you are.

That's been my experience.

I think that if you're prepared to remain monogamous while dating someone, you have every right to expect the same of the person you're dating. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned in this respect.

I agree with you, but then I am a big fan of monogamy, and not just short-term serial monogamy. Who really wants to go through the dating song and dance over and over?

 

[Mysis]

Maybe telling them that you'd be fine with them dating other people is what stops them from wanting to commit to you.

I mean if I really liked someone, and was considering a relationship with them, and then suddenly they come out and say that they're ok with being in a bigamist relationship, then suddenly it sounds to me like you wouldn't value the relationship like I would, cause I wouldn't be ok with bigamy. So why commit myself to someone who I mean less to than they'd mean to me? And furthermore, why wrap myself up in the mess of a doomed relationship?

Make sense?

Just a thought.

 

[LazzarusB]

I mean if I really liked someone, and was considering a relationship with them, and then suddenly they come out and say that they're ok with being in a bigamist relationship

That's not what I meant at all. It's not like I just come out and say it like that, 'Oh hey, if you want to go date other people go right ahead! Have fun kiddo!' But seriously. Most of the time it doesn't even come up, because they're a one gal kinda guy.

This is what I meant by everyone having different ideas of dating. Dating is not a commitment or a relationship - until you want to get serious with someone. I don't know what dating is like where you're from, but around my way it's socially acceptable to date more than one person.

On a side note, this is one of the reasons I'm here. I'm socially awkward (yeah, even on the internet) and say things that come out wrong or are understood a different way from what I meant.

 

[AndrewM]

LazzarusB,

I don't think you're being awkward or hard to understand at all. It's normal to have to clarify what you meant when talking to complete strangers over the internet!

And I think you've already located the problem. On the one hand, you think that dating someone doesn't involve any kind of commitment. On the other hand, when they end up breaking it off without telling you, it seems like a betrayal of sorts. So really, you feel that there is at least an implicit commitment, even if it is only that the guy keeps you informed of what the situation is.

To me that seems like just plain courtesy. But both men and women can be quite disrespectful towards other people's feelings when it comes to dating. One explanation is that people prefer to avoid potentially uncomfortable situations, and telling someone that you don't want to go out with them anymore can be very uncomfortable.

It may also be that some guys don't feel their interest in you is being reciprocated. I can see how this misunderstanding might arise if you want to take things slow. Again, I think this is about making your expectations clear at the outset.

Also, if you do like a guy, make sure you let them know. Don't just wait for them to call, or feign disinterest when you're interested. I'm not saying that's what you do. But in any courtship, there is an element of disguising your true feelings, not wanting to be too upfront, seducing the other person, etc. which may lead to misunderstandings. I guess with experience one gets better at knowing when some things can be left unsaid, and when you have to be explicit about what you want.

 

[coricopat]

Every time I meet a guy, one of 4 things happen...

1) Everything is great, he seems really into me, we hang out heaps, and then all of a sudden communication on his end shuts down and I get chucked for some other girl.

2) Everything is great, seems into me... he tries to coerce me into a friends-with-benefits type of relationship.

3) Everything is great, he seems a little too into me... and then he starts texting me all day every day, wants to hang out every day, doesn't like me talking to/hanging out with my male friends and basically turns into a psycho stalker.

4) Everything is great, he seems perfect... He's already taken.

I just can't seem to win at this relationship thing. Everyone always says "Don't worry about it, you're young, you've got plenty of time to find someone". But I can't even find a decent (or even sane) guy, let alone "Mr Right". What makes it worse is that some of my friends are already settling down, getting engaged, having kids... I just feel so behind.

It's not just me, right?

LOL, all four of those is why I've never been keen on dating. I was hoping my 30s experiences would be different than my teen experiences, but sadly no.

 

[Remedy]

I'm sorry that there are so many guys out there that are like that but it isn't all guys. I have 2 friends who are not like that and their significant others are extremely lucky to have them. I know in the past I have made some very depressing, self destructive posts. I just feel like I can include myself because I know I am really loving and caring for a guy as well as my friends.

I know I'm going to give my significant other the love she deserves, its too bad she is far away, but some day soon. Every gender has it's share of jerks but not everyone are jerks. I'm sorry that you guys tend to run into the same guys time and time again. You just have to keep looking and I know it's difficult. Not all guys are like that though, caring guys are out there. I know some and I feel like I'm one too. Just keep looking, I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[AndrewM]

Remedy,

To be honest, I think most guys believe that they are loving and caring. I believe that I am, but at the same time I know my ex's would disagree. Am I deluding myself? Are my ex's mistaken?

You can give someone all the care, love and attention in the world, and the relationship could still end up as a complete disaster. When two people get together, the relationship itself can take on a destructive dynamic which may be outside of anyone's control. If I see this happening in one of my relationships, and the other person is unwilling or unable to help me do something about it, then I get to the point where I don't see how being more loving, more forgiving, etc. can really help the situation. This is a very difficult choice to make, and one doesn't always know whether one is making the right choice. But sometimes one is forced to make it. And I think it's important to be aware of that. It's just not true that "love is all you need" (as the song says).

BTW, I don't think any of this applies to LazzarusB, who is talking about dating and not long term relationships.

 

[Remedy]

Remedy,

To be honest, I think most guys believe that they are loving and caring. I believe that I am, but at the same time I know my ex's would disagree. Am I deluding myself? Are my ex's mistaken?

You can give someone all the care, love and attention in the world, and the relationship could still end up as a complete disaster. When two people get together, the relationship itself can take on a destructive dynamic which may be outside of anyone's control. If I see this happening in one of my relationships, and the other person is unwilling or unable to help me do something about it, then I get to the point where I don't see how being more loving, more forgiving, etc. can really help the situation. This is a very difficult choice to make, and one doesn't always know whether one is making the right choice. But sometimes one is forced to make it. And I think it's important to be aware of that. It's just not true that "love is all you need" (as the song says).

BTW, I don't think any of this applies to LazzarusB, who is talking about dating and not long term relationships.

I have had people in offline tell me just how loving and caring I am. Should I judge how I am off what people on this site think or people I actually interact with out in public? I appreciate your input but why so negative man? Sorry for being blunt man, I just wanted to be truthful. I'm trying to go into things nowadays with optimism because it is always best to do so. Being negative just causes so much heartache and I hope I have learned from it myself.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

At least you get the finding someone part. I don't even get that far when it comes to women.