My new way of dealing with cold people

[jason2023]

Okay, in the past, especially when I was a young adult, I'd unconsciously seek approval from those who rejected me or were cold to me. In my mind, I guess I thought if I showed them I was nice enough, funny enough, interesting enough they would like me.

Yeah, I used to be like that, and probably still am to a small extent. But it's not the way to go. People who are socially calibrated or are good at receiving sub-communications can smell the neediness or approval seeking, and it's not a nice smell. Even something small like vocal tonation can give it off.

OR, from my spiritual teachings, I'd be really kind to them "killing them with kindness" thinking that if I were open and warm to them they would be to me.

Problem with that it is more conditional giving. You're doing something in return for something, and when you have an expectation of something and it doesn't come, then that leads to bad emotions.

So finally, now in my late 40s, I've decided to simply "mirror" them. I've decided to never give more than I receive and never try to get any more from a person who isn't open to me. If a person isn't open to me or isn't particularly warm or friendly, I am the same way back. No wondering why, no asking myself what I can do better...I just quietly give them the message that I don't give to those who aren't kind to me.

What works for you works for you I guess. Personally I like to come from a place of wholeness. It doesn't cost mean anything to just give out love and help, unconditionally, constantly. If someone smiles because I do an act of kindness for them then great. If someone thinks me complimenting them randomly on a street was weird and gives me a weird look, that's fine as well, there's no point on me feeling bad that they're some ungrateful git. They weren't ready for it, and rather than angry, instead I feel sorry they did not see the true intention of it.

It's really the act of unconditionally giving... There's no downside to it. If you mirror someone, then you've limited yourself already...

J

 

[HappyYogi]

Okay, in the past, especially when I was a young adult, I'd unconsciously seek approval from those who rejected me or were cold to me. In my mind, I guess I thought if I showed them I was nice enough, funny enough, interesting enough they would like me.

Yeah, I used to be like that, and probably still am to a small extent. But it's not the way to go. People who are socially calibrated or are good at receiving sub-communications can smell the neediness or approval seeking, and it's not a nice smell. Even something small like vocal tonation can give it off.

OR, from my spiritual teachings, I'd be really kind to them "killing them with kindness" thinking that if I were open and warm to them they would be to me.

Problem with that it is more conditional giving. You're doing something in return for something, and when you have an expectation of something and it doesn't come, then that leads to bad emotions.

I hear what you are saying. I am not sure I expected much from them except to just be nice and maybe respect me. Is that asking too much? What I found is that if I continued to be nice to be people who were lukewarm with me, they not only would not be nice to me back but would be even colder.

So finally, now in my late 40s, I've decided to simply "mirror" them. I've decided to never give more than I receive and never try to get any more from a person who isn't open to me. If a person isn't open to me or isn't particularly warm or friendly, I am the same way back. No wondering why, no asking myself what I can do better...I just quietly give them the message that I don't give to those who aren't kind to me.

What works for you works for you I guess. Personally I like to come from a place of wholeness. It doesn't cost mean anything to just give out love and help, unconditionally, constantly. If someone smiles because I do an act of kindness for them then great. If someone thinks me complimenting them randomly on a street was weird and gives me a weird look, that's fine as well, there's no point on me feeling bad that they're some ungrateful git. They weren't ready for it, and rather than angry, instead I feel sorry they did not see the true intention of it.

It's really the act of unconditionally giving... There's no downside to it. If you mirror someone, then you've limited yourself already...

J

I sense a lot of judgment in your post Jase...but that's OK. I am used to it especially from spiritual types! LOL

I have tried your way and it only leads to confusion and hurt for me. I guess what I am saying is I am still nice and am polite and decent I just don't go out of the way for them anymore. Whereas prior I would fall all over myself with another chance at friendship with them, now I do not. Now I just am friendly but go on my merry way.

I am sorry...even with all your talk of "wholeness", and being "unconditional" it doesn't work out for me this way in the real world. I live in an urban environment where people are already distrustful. Then mix in intellectual types with a high suspicion factor...you will not be more accepted by being constantly giving more. Or I wasn't.

I actually feel more whole now with more self respect and boundaries. If they want my warmth and affection let them reach out to me for once and make the effort.

Let me give an example. I gave a gf of mine an X Mas gift. She was not expecting and it EXPRESSED this to me. She didn't feel comfortable recieving the gift because she could not or did not give in that way to me. I got the hint. This year I didn't give her anything not even a card (although the card issue was simply because I am not good at sending out cards). I think she actually feels more comfortable with me now because I am not going above her level. She still says "come over let's chat" so we are still friends but I sort of know what kind of friends. And it's OK.

Another example. There was this woman who I asked out to my social events frequently. She said no several times and I stopped. When I saw her and she was friendly with me again I'd try AGAIN. Of course she'd say "no" as well. Well I saw her the other day, was friendly with her, but didn't do my regular behavior. I think she was shocked I didn't keep trying with her! Sad to say but I honestly think this makes me more attractive in her eyes, more worthy. Sort of like dating...sometimes if you fall all over yourself to please another it just doesn't add to the attraction. Be a little distant, at least in the beginning, they are all over you.

I wish the world wasn't this way but it is. And now that I've recognized it I feel better.

 

[jason2023]

I sense a lot of judgment in your post Jase...but that's OK. I am used to it especially from spiritual types! LOL

I have tried your way and it only leads to confusion and hurt for me. I guess what I am saying is I am still nice and am polite and decent I just don't go out of the way for them anymore. Whereas prior I would fall all over myself with another chance at friendship with them, now I do not. Now I just am friendly but go on my merry way.

I am sorry...even with all your talk of "wholeness", and being "unconditional" it doesn't work out for me this way in the real world. I live in an urban environment where people are already distrustful. Then mix in intellectual types with a high suspicion factor...you will not be more accepted by being constantly giving more. Or I wasn't.

I actually feel more whole now with more self respect and boundaries. If they want my warmth and affection let them reach out to me for once and make the effort.

Let me give an example. I gave a gf of mine an X Mas gift. She was not expecting and it EXPRESSED this to me. She didn't feel comfortable recieving the gift because she could not or did not give in that way to me. I got the hint. This year I didn't give her anything not even a card (although the card issue was simply because I am not good at sending out cards). I think she actually feels more comfortable with me now because I am not going above her level. She still says "come over let's chat" so we are still friends but I sort of know what kind of friends. And it's OK.

Another example. There was this woman who I asked out to my social events frequently. She said no several times and I stopped. When I saw her and she was friendly with me again I'd try AGAIN. Of course she'd say "no" as well. Well I saw her the other day, was friendly with her, but didn't do my regular behavior. I think she was shocked I didn't keep trying with her! Sad to say but I honestly think this makes me more attractive in her eyes, more worthy. Sort of like dating...sometimes if you fall all over yourself to please another it just doesn't add to the attraction. Be a little distant, at least in the beginning, they are all over you.

I wish the world wasn't this way but it is. And now that I've recognized it I feel better.

Sorry if that's what you sensed - I didn't intend to come off judgmental - my use of "you" was meant for a more general sense

I understand what you're saying, totally.

In your examples it's with "warm relations", and I agree with what you're saying there. You don't want to overly give otherwise the other person feels like they owe you, or it's too much, or you're trying to buy their approval, and as such a balance needs to be established in order for it to work.

I guess where I'm coming from is more where the relation is new and brief. I understand the urban life and more importantly social conditioning. Striking up a random conversation person on the streets of London / waiting outside a shop is an odd thing to do. People have their guard up and they're suspicious - "what does he want", "what is he trying to sell me", "what is he promoting"? They seem cold, but at the end when they realise you're just giving unconditionally you can just make someone's day that easily. Or think how people are in tubes, stone-faced, silent getting along with their lifes. It's a bit sad in a way. There is no harm taking your own initiative (if that is what you feel), rather than mirroring, to establish potentially something beautiful. We just need to be congruent and true in doing it. That was all I was trying to get at.

With dating, we need to be socially calibrated. Since it's starting to be a warm relation, we have to be conscious that we're not supplicating or trying too hard in their eyes because a date does have an intended outcome (rather than unconditional giving and just being nice to people as it doesn't cost anything). You go on a date for potentially a relationship... But this is different because you're the male and in courtship leadership from the male is attractive trait, and in fact you want the girl to mirror you as that's a potential sign of comfort/rapport. This goes in to being whole as well... If you feel complete and not dependent on someone to fill part of you, then it shows as if you're on a rollercoaster - you love and enjoy your life as it is, having her as a passenger would just be a bonus. If she declines the invite, that's OKAY.

Sorry if this comes off a bit woo woo. I know things are harder in practise than in words/logic. Feel free to oppose though, I'm always keen being open-minded

 

[HappyYogi]

It's not "woo woo" Jaise. I have a background in yogic philosophy and Science of Mind and other spiritual teachings.

I totally believe in being a loving person to all, radiating love, and I am emotionally generous with others. That is, if I have a chance to be supportive and kind, I will do it just for the joy in it. It feels good.

However, there was also an underlying insecurity within me that wanted more approval more love and I also didn't give MYSELF approval beforehand. So my habit was to keep trying, to be more this and that so they'd like me.

Of course it never worked because I didn't approve of myself FIRST.

I have to balance the two energies. I love being the prior (which I learned from all the wonderful spiritual people at church and various spiritual places) but most of my friends do NOT get this. They do not "get" the simple giving and being emotionally generous. They withhold and when they see someone who is giving, they don't get it. It's like "why would she do that"? They are suspicious.

There are a lot of layers to this...I am touching upon a lot. For now, though, I am giving myself respect by not giving more than I give to certain people who have not been loving to me. And it feels better.

But to that random stranger on the street....I'll give. It's fun. It's like traveling...you never know the conversation you'll have or what will come of it. I love doing that. I am just not perfectly whole to not be sensitive towards those who have demonstrated they don't value me.

 

[lei]

Niceness gets you nowhere. It is an invitation to being stomped all over.

None of my peers at school respect me or think highly of me. It's hard for me to not be "nice" or kind. I will be sweet and understanding in public but when I get home I'm venting and angry about how they treated me during the day.

My instructor said she noticed I'm very "motherly" and take care of others, think of others. I don't want to be the nice one anymore.

 

[JHK]

Niceness gets you nowhere. It is an invitation to being stomped all over.

None of my peers at school respect me or think highly of me. It's hard for me to not be "nice" or kind. I will be sweet and understanding in public but when I get home I'm venting and angry about how they treated me during the day.

My instructor said she noticed I'm very "motherly" and take care of others, think of others. I don't want to be the nice one anymore.

I usually end up the same way. I say I'm going to be like Happy-Yogi and fresia the world, but I never do. Maybe I've been trained too long to be snap to attention and do what's asked and never question it. Maybe I'm just too much of a chicken. It's too easy for me to bow down and do what I'm told or just take honeysuckle.

Unless I get into alcohol, which has been become a habit of coping. Then I go looking for fights. But it's never with someone that has treated me like honeysuckle, it's with strangers. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose but I still am not sure what it is I get out of it.
I grew up in a pretty mean environment, so while I don't want to be the one that gets messed over all the time, I don't really want to be the mean one either because I'm scared I'm turning into my father.
It would be nice if people weren't so exploitative.

 

[TheLonelyNomad]

Very good posting.

If you read my most-recent post about my former friend, I was really dumb to keep our relationship, when the truth is, he was looking down on me.

At work, I work at a hospital with a lot of nurses, physicians, therapists and aides/techs, some (small handful, majority of others are nice) of which have very sh-tty attitude, towards me. Those who are mean and cold towards me don't even get a smile or nod from me.

Then there is a tech who works on one of the floor at my facility who used to be decent friends with me (no, it's not the bryce guy I've mentioned in another thread). His name is charles. gay, filipino guy.

We used to be on good terms with each other, actually good friends when we worked as assistant care technicians are an assisted living facility last year.

However, after he started working at the same hospital with me, he started to distance himself from me.

When I sent him text messages to seek contact info about another co-worker at the old LTF we both used to work at, he never even bothered to send me a single text message response. I also left him voicemail on his cell phone. Same crap. No phone calls back from him.
During the Christmas season, we both work different shifts, and of course, different departments. When I sent him a text message wishing him a merry Christmas, and asking him if charles wanted to meet up for lunch. Wump wump. No response AT ALL from this guy!

I realized that hey, if he doesn't want to help me, then the hell with him.

It sucks that I have to see him some times when I float to his department.

I no longer smile at him, and he too, no longer says hi to me. I realized that charles is one hell of a cocky guy. Heck, because I became cold to him, he decided to talk stink behind my back to other aides, nurses, and even the department manager, because as of yesterday, I was completely ostracized in the lunch break room. The department manager used to be very nice to me, greet me good morning, etc. Now, she just looks down at the ground when she see's me working on the floor. They, those who were present at the pot-luck, all took sweet a$$ photos of themselves as groups in front of me, rubbing it in my face, while letting me hang loose and eat food by myself. When they were done with their photos, one by one, they started to scamper out of the break room, trying their best not to eat lunch with me.

 

[BeyondShy]

Niceness gets you nowhere. It is an invitation to being stomped all over.

**** right.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Niceness gets you nowhere. It is an invitation to being stomped all over.

**** right.

I disagree. Being nice doesn't get you stomped on, unless you let that happen.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Niceness gets you nowhere. It is an invitation to being stomped all over.

**** right.

I disagree. Being nice doesn't get you stomped on, unless you let that happen.

Well I disagree with your disagreement.