My revelation

[redbeard 44]

Recently someone posted a picture from my third grade class for our 25th high school reunion and when I saw it, many things became clear to me. In it, I was smack dab in the middle of the whole class, middle row, middle child. But in it, I'm surrounded by all these people and my body posture spoke volumes to me. I was huddled, with my shoulders in and elbows reaching for each other as if I was avoiding being touched. The whole class was looking up and to the left, my head was tilted down with my eyes looking upwards. It was weird, but it made me realize I may have been like this my whole life. I remember not answering the phone when I knew it was some friends and even pretending I wasn't home when they came knocking on my door. I lost many childhood friends that way. Then there was the service. I did my stint, had some friends by proximity really, but when I got out, I never stayed in touch or built on those relationships. Then there was college, same thing, I was the outsider, non-traditional student hanging with teenagers, I never felt in there and lost those tenuous friends too. I did manage to get married, but most our friends were her friends... I was actually worried about inviting too few people for my side of the wedding. But our marriage last for 8 years until my midlife crisis and I lost those few 'couple' friends we had too. The few friends I have maintained are all married with kids now and living their lives, I don't wish to intrude. So here I sit now, divorced with no kids, no friends, no social life, no confidence, no nothing... and wondering how much longer?

But back to the main point. Now that I look back, it appears I was always this way and perhaps destined for a solitary existence on the fringes watching 'normal' people live their lives and grow old together. I never really envisioned myself as one of 'them'.

 

[howtobealone]

It's never too late to make meaningful connections with other people. I have also looked at pictures of myself and considered myself to be an obvious outsider. But you have to try to embrace your difference. And try to be as open with people as you can, even if it's painful. There's no such thing as being destined for a solitary existence.

 

[constant stranger]

We have a lot in common redbeard. Here's an idea: if we're in for a solitary instead of a "normal" life, maybe the way to go is live a meaningful solitary life. I wonder if the skills, caring and enthusiasms we're not investing into families and friends could instead be channeled toward the benefit of the community we live in?

If we're not to be remembered fondly by the children and grandchildren we'll never have, perhaps we'll be remembered as the generous benefactors who gave so much time and talent to the town.

It's just a thought.......

 

[Despicable Me]

But back to the main point. Now that I look back, it appears I was always this way and perhaps destined for a solitary existence on the fringes watching 'normal' people live their lives and grow old together. I never really envisioned myself as one of 'them'.

Maybe it's 'destiny to be alone' to the point you make this realization, but after that point it's entirely up to you, isn't it? You have the knowledge to consciously effect that aspect of your life, to alter your behavior, and to change
Though, honestly, I'd disagree with any concept of 'destiny' or 'fate'. It's always a conscious decision, sometimes we just put it at the back of our minds and refuse to acknowledge the problem. Like alcoholics, for example. They know they drink excessively, but getting them to admit they are addicted is quite the challenge.

To be honest, some of the things you said sound familiar to who I used to be. Even, in a way, to who I am now. But I'm much more conscious about the decisions I make and I'm well aware of them and what I choose to do, doing my best to 'change my fate', if you will. I refuse to let 'destiny' play any part in my life - if I had done that, I really don't think I would be alive right now.
And I will say that things can be changed. I've seen proof. Screw destiny, I've created my own path.

 

[Sometimes]

Hey redbeard. The revelation that you had from seeing your school photo is really interesting to me.

A long time ago I read a book called "The Personality Surgeon". It was fiction, and perhaps arrogant, but it made me think. The guy's premise was that by changing the body language that people exhibited, their whole world would begin to change. He would videotape interviews with people, watch the videos, analyze them, then view and discuss them with his clients, suggesting small changes to their body language, but customized to their own situations and personalities. It was not "business people" focussed, just socially focussed. I found myself wishing I could find someone like that who would show me how to have a better chance socially. Never did find this is the real world, though.