Need help deciding if I should see a doctor...

[thecosmos]

Recently, I have been feeling extremely depressed, it seems to be getting worse and worse as the days go on. I've struggled with these feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, absolutely despise my life and who I am etc etc for majority of my life. It doesn't make sense, I've always had a great family there for me, and great friends.

I was picked on pretty much all throughout school, so my whole life basically. I've also been ignored by girls, which I believe is the main cause of all of this bullshit. It's so ******* frustrating, I don't know if it's because I'm ugly (even though I don't really consider myself to be THAT ugly) or if it's my personality (even though I can have lots of fun with people) or what, but it's so degrading.

I'm 24, I have a shitty job and I live at home. I feel like an enormous failure. A few months ago my first serious relationship EVER ended. It was mutual at the time, but now I would kill to have that back because I feel unbearably meaningless.

So to the point, before this gets too long. I would never commit suicide even though I would love to, I have too many people in my life who care for me (though I don't understand why) but I couldn't do that to them. But quite frequently (pretty much every day), I tell myself that I hope I get into a car accident on the way to work, or a truck hits me in the parking lot, or I randomly have a heart attack... death seems like such a release but I could never do it to myself, so I hope and pray that it happens externally. When I think about this, I'm absolutely horrified... a living being should never feel like this, it contradicts the fundamental strive for survival... so this brings me to my question...

Should I go see a doctor? I feel like I really need to, but would anti depressants even help? or would the side effects make everything worse? or would the dependency on them be bad for me? Any input would be much appreciated. I'm really worried that these thoughts of death will manifest into actual fantasies of suicide, which will manifest into attempts and I don't want that to happen...

 

[blackwave]

Well, anti-depressants help some people. They didn't make me any less depressed, but I still take them because they stop one of the physical side-effects of my depression (stomach upsets). The doctor might also be able to refer you to other places, where you can get therapy, or something like that. You've nothing to lose by trying.
By the way, I know exactly how you feel. Your story mirrors mine in very many ways, and I'm struggling through hell right now. I was picked on quite a bit at school (easy target, I didn't fight back), and girls have never shown interest in me. I've been unemployed for about 6 years because of my depression. My first serious relatonship ended a few months ago, but it wasn't mutual, she really did a number over on me, and I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I am regularly on the verge of suicide, though I am trying to improve my life, even though I often feel futile.

 

[thecosmos]

Well, anti-depressants help some people. They didn't make me any less depressed, but I still take them because they stop one of the physical side-effects of my depression (stomach upsets). The doctor might also be able to refer you to other places, where you can get therapy, or something like that. You've nothing to lose by trying.
By the way, I know exactly how you feel. Your story mirrors mine in very many ways, and I'm struggling through hell right now. I was picked on quite a bit at school (easy target, I didn't fight back), and girls have never shown interest in me. I've been unemployed for about 6 years because of my depression. My first serious relatonship ended a few months ago, but it wasn't mutual, she really did a number over on me, and I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I am regularly on the verge of suicide, though I am trying to improve my life, even though I often feel futile.

Thanks for the input man.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, it's such a shitty feeling getting out of that first relationship. Most people, when they get out of a relationship, yeah they're bummed but they can just move on to someone else and they get over it. That ain't the case for people like us and it's bullshit. I have a feeling I'm going to be stuck with these memories of that ***** for years if I don't die first, and the more I think about it all the worse I feel. I try to distract myself but when I'm bored at work for 10 hours a day I can't really do honeysuckle about it. It would be great if I could just find another girl, but I'd have better odds discovering intelligent life on another planet through a cheap telescope.

But anyways man... I can understand the feelings are overwhelming but whatever you do don't kill yourself... even though life is full of pain, it's probably better than being dead. I guess I should really tell myself this stuff, but I have trouble convincing myself of anything positive.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I'd have better odds discovering intelligent life on another planet through a cheap telescope.

Do you think people that get girlfriends tell themselves this?

 

[funkymonkey]

I went through a similar thing as you recently & tbh the Dr's was a waste of time.

They offered me antidepressants but after reading the side effects and the etc of them, I decided not to take them & to try and develop myself and improve/grow instead.
My friends who use antidepressants say all it does for them is to make them feel more 'numb' about things and events in their lives, which is fine if that is what you seek.
But for me its not what I want, we are meant to FEEL things as humans, not to numb ourselves down to 'fit in' with societies perceptions and conditions.
You have been through a lot, you have suffered much, why would you not react with sadness? it is only natural to do so neh?

I think suicide is on your mind because you currently feel so empty?!

You'd like a new woman? so tell me what type of woman do you want to meet?
Do you like party girls? go to a nightclub
Do you like shy bookish girls? join a library
ETC ETC ETC
Identifying what type of girl you'd like to meet, is a good first step on your way out of your mindset.

Writing these things is actually quite cathartic for me, I hope it helps you

 

[thecosmos]

I'd have better odds discovering intelligent life on another planet through a cheap telescope.

Do you think people that get girlfriends tell themselves this?

No, because they naturally get girlfriends haha.

I understand the mentality behind it all, but I can't go around faking something I'm not, it's too hard I don't have that kind of willpower.

 

[A new life]

Speaking from personal experience,
Your depression could be chemical.

In December I was SEVERELY depressed
only to learn that when I quit drinking
the depression went away about 10 days later
and has not returned.

In all other ways my situation has not changed.
I just don't feel panicked and hopeless any more.

Other things besides booze can cause your brain chemistry
to be all screwed up. You might try cleaning up your diet
and cutting out all the things you use to "comfort" yourself.

Expect that for a week or two you'll feel worse.
But it's worth it.

Good luck.

 

[thecosmos]

Speaking from personal experience,
Your depression could be chemical.

In December I was SEVERELY depressed
only to learn that when I quit drinking
the depression went away about 10 days later
and has not returned.

In all other ways my situation has not changed.
I just don't feel panicked and hopeless any more.

Other things besides booze can cause your brain chemistry
to be all screwed up. You might try cleaning up your diet
and cutting out all the things you use to "comfort" yourself.

Expect that for a week or two you'll feel worse.
But it's worth it.

Good luck.

I'll have to try that... because I drink pretty **** often...

thanks for the suggestion man!

 

[Stepchild]

I second the cutting back the drinking part. Myself, I don't really drink much at all anymore, because all it did was emphasize any negative feelings I might have had at the time of the drinking, and I almost always ended up feeling absolutely terrible.

I sort of feel the same way you do. I don't want to kill myself, because I find existence too **** precious to throw away. But at the same time I kind of wish I could get away from all of this, from my life. I know what it is like to be non-depressed, even if my life is on the surface exactly the same way it is now. That's why I decided to go see a doctor and ask to get some medication. I don't know, maybe it's not a good idea, maybe the cure is worse than the disease - but I can't know before I try, and it's the only thing I can think of right now that I have control over to possibly make myself feel better.

 

[Sci-Fi]

If you think you should go see a doctor, and go on a forum to ask a bunch of strangers if you should go see a doctor, I think the answer is pretty obvious.