Put A Gun In My Mouth And Paint The Walls With My Brains

[indiano7]

Hi,
I'm a 17 years old guy with many problems. I'm very shy and lonely because I have very low self-esteem and I always want to be better than I am. I just can't accept how I am. I always dreamed of being a James Bond type of guy: smart, handsome, charming, fearless. But the truth is that I am not very smart, ignorant, not very handsome, shy and easily frightened. And even if I can write about it, I just cannot accept it. I always put a mask on of the person I would like to be and when I cannot hide myself behind it for a moment I get very embarrassed and my face turns red. The things that I hate the most about myself are my fu**ing lisp, the fact that I blush (my face is allways red because I have very white skin), and that I'm not as smart as I would like to be. Because of my lisp I try to avoid words with an "s" and so I haven't been able to express myself and say what I think for many many years. Today I don't even want to talk to my family anymore. I'm now trying for almost 10 years to fix my lisp but I just can't. And that's probably also one of the reasons for my head to turn red when the teacher asks my something; I don't want my classmates to notice my speech impediment. Another problem is that I always have to confront myself with other people. As soon I realize that somebody is better at something I get very jealous and angry and I get either depressed or it makes my just want to kill him. And all that just because I can't accept myself. I have to control...everything. When I was younger both at the age of 8-10 and 14-16 I had a period of phobia and both of them had something to do with control. My first phobia was that I had to literally control everywhere that there wasn't "an evil man". The second time I had to wash myself all the time and stuff because I had a "mysophobia". Both times I didn't go to school for a long time. I went to a psychologist my whole life and I still do but it doesn't help me because I just can't take of my "mask" (I can't talk about my true problems). My life sucks and I hate going to school, I don't like people and people don't like me. I can't understand how there can be so much injustice in the world: how can there be people who have everything (great life, almost no problems) and others who starve at the age of 11? I don't get it. I don't get life. Sometimes I just put my fake gun in my mouth and pull the trigger and imagine the blood and the brain coming out of the hole in my head. The only thing I really enjoy are Movies (I'm a movie geek) but I noticed that one of the reasons I like them is that I find my heroes in them; guys I would like to be . "Fight Club" is my favorite movie because I would like to be as free as Tyler Durden is (and because it truly expresses my desperation and my anger and the non-sense of life). When I am at school I'm always nervous and my pulse is very high especially when I have a test, and I have many of them. I don't know how long my body is going to resist. I would like to become a film director but I can't even talk to people, and my brain is so fu**ed up… I feel like an alien all the time. My most common feelings are fear, jealousy, anger, hate. I feel like I don’t have anything in common with my dad. I want to have a girlfriend but I'm very shy and the girls that have a crush on me aren't good enough for me. So I masturbate 2-3 times a day. Maybe it's just like my mom says, maybe I'm just an egoist, an as*hole. When I play online I'm very mean and rude to others and I make fun of them. Then I feel bad. But that's just how I feel most of the time. I feel like a disappointment to everyone. There are many other things I haven’t talked about but I think this is about enough.
Let me know if you feel the same way and if you have the same problems.
Thank you for your time.

 

[SophiaGrace]

1) the title of this thread is a bit attention seeking.

2) I want to point out to you that james bond is a fictional character.

3) you are mean to people online because it gives you a sense of power/control.

4) you need to find a way to feel empowered without putting others down

5) *hugs*

 

[Ak5]

You say your lonely, ugly, not smart, etc. Yet you say some girls have a crush on you?

I beg you, give me a speech impediment!

Anyway, you like movies because it feels as an escape from life. I was like that as well, I watched a ton of movies and played a ton of video games. You were jealous of your classmates because you wanted to have what they had. That jealousy lead to hate, because you felt like one of your "fictional characters" and that you were "better than them". You deep inside want to have what they have, but you mask that with hate and anger.

Let go, you have accept yourself for who you are.


You can't be sure unless you try.

 

[edgecrusher]

i kind of know how you feel and i get what you mean about the way people and life is. though i am not mean to others and i could really care less what people think of me. im very non-confrontational. i mostly keep to myself and all i really do is play video games and watch movies/tv shows. they are my escape from this life that i dont feel like i belong in. fight club is one of my favorite movies too. once you accept how and who you are somewhat you will start to feel better. its easier said than done though.

 

[Syber Tiger]

hi,i know how u feel,realy i am a 17 year old guy also
never hade a gf
i mastrubate alot to
movies,games,cars are my life
and the shyness (wary) i am very shy

i will love to be your friend,someone to talk to (same age same honeysuckle etc...)
u can pm me enytime

 

[Equinox]

Why did you feel that the girls who had a crush on you weren't "good enough" for you? That's an odd and rather arrogant thing to say, isn't it?

 

[condemnedsoul666]

hi,i know how u feel,realy i am a 17 year old guy also
never hade a gf
i mastrubate alot to
movies,games,cars are my life
and the shyness (wary) i am very shy

i will love to be your friend,someone to talk to (same age same honeysuckle etc...)
u can pm me enytime

by the ^this guy actually is how he says
oh by the way I'm 16 and here's some advice: Find someone to talk to, ANYONE, ANYWHERE, about ANYTHING, even if it's only via internet
Ab initio

 

[jean-vic]

Rule number one: Never view yourself as above anyone. For example, I am far more intelligent than the people I work with, but I do not consider them inferior to me as they have strengths where I am weak. No girl is beneath you. No lad is beneath you. If you hold such views, your condescension may be evident to people and they may not give you the attention you desire for that reason. Accept yourself and accept others.

 

[blackhole]

my sister was a military police officer in the united states army.

while on duty in germany, she had to help clean brain and skull chunks off the boiler room ceiling.

don't kill yourself.

but if you must, have some decency and do it outside.

 

[Vinan]

Do that which you love to do and you can never go wrong just don't harm anyone or yourself. Let go of all things negative for simply that will drag you down and make you feel emotions that are counter active. Fill yourself with all things postive and all things wonderful. The world seems difficult and not everything is perfect yes its true theres alot of unjustice. But you don't need to worry about the world. You don't need to worry about anything.

Ignore people who are mean and have tendencys for evil. By ignoring them you will remove any affect they have on any part of your life. The past doesn't matter what matters is the present what you change both about yourself and the things around you. Its easy to make many friends not everyone is kind but there is many good people every part of the world has good people. Just find them and surround yourself with them all it takes is a try and don't give up.

 

[LoneKiller]

If you plan the course of action that you used as your thread title, all I can say from experience is, you better hope you die in the process. There is not one day that goes by that I don't feel the mental repercussions of my actions.

I still cry sometimes over what I put my friends and the ones that I hold dearest to my heart through. Believe me, it might be a different experience for you than mine was, but you don't want anything to do with it. Trust me.


God Bless.
LK

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Why did you feel that the girls who had a crush on you weren't "good enough" for you? That's an odd and rather arrogant thing to say, isn't it?

It's not an arrogant thing to say....If you keep up with
the life is fucken ubfair concept?

Life is totally unfair to those hedious looking chicks...that a hedious dude wont even consider banging.LOL

My skin aint exactly white...fresia that honeysuckle
I hold the crown to life is fucken unfair honeysuckle.

It like this.....ya whiny little *****.

I was broned in the third world contry. We were so fucken poor. My mama had me at the house out in the fucken boon dogs.
My parent got a divorced. Plus my father used to beat the living honeysuckle out of me.
So I got sent off to boarding school or relatives to relatives.
I ended living in the god **** slums in a city...where fucken rats where the size of cats. Talk about floatsum and jetsum.
A rat invested sewer of a hell hole.
And that was before I even turn 6 years old.

Yeah..I was one of those straving kids with the sad face with no fucken hope or a future
you see on fucken TV that their parents left them for fucken dead...


Then I move to the states...for a better life or future..
Kee PEEE YA matha fucken Ahhh,
My step father turned out to be another crazy son of a ***** that beat the living honeysuckle out me too.
Too top it off i had fucken pasty face white kids bullied me, picked on me just becuase they can be fucken mean...
cuase they dont wanna fresia hedious chicks...so they gatta take that honeysuckle out me to make themselves feel better.

Hate me some more cuase i dont give a fresia....All Ive messed are hot drop dead goregious white chicks.
To top that off...most of them ask me out...Even to this fucken day.
Life has a way of balancing itself out.
Poeple cant even figure out what in the hell beautiful women see in me or even want to be with me.
Becuase Im a freak of nature....the exeptions to the rules. A mistake that cant be explain away.

Even my family...Renae and my daughter...especailly our daughter.
She stands out like no other. Whatever the fresia people are going to say about her.
My blood runs in vains....
About life being unfair????
She has her own story to tell....
The tears, the pains she carried all her life before she was even borned.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

You shouldn't be so hard your self

If you have a lisp, I think that's awesome! It makes you unique. It also can help weed out superficial people, because people who can't look past it won't hear what your saying in the first place.

So once you can accept your limitations, then you will be free to express yourself. When you are free to express yourself because you can accept who you are, you won't be beating yourself up all the time.

Once you stop taking beatings from yourself, you will feel better about who you are. Then you can start enjoying life!

I know it's very easy to say these things and very difficult to do them. I'm still learning myself!

There are tons of people in this world who are willing to be cruel to you for no good reason, don't include yourself with them!!!

Practice every morning when you wake up, say to yourself "hello me! Let's see what today brings us!" or something like that. Be your own best friend not your own worst enemy.

Some people studder, some people are blind, some people can't talk, some people can't hear, some people can't walk... this list goes on... as I'm sure you know.

It's really hard for me, I'm just learning. Sometimes I come home after a long day and just start BEATING THE honeysuckle OUT OF MYSELF... I'm learning to STOP... though... and I get a pen and some paper... and just start writing down positives for the day. "I woke up today" "Today was a new day" "The water in the shower felt good" "It was nice to get out of the house"... simple things...

or i write things I'm grateful for "I'm grateful to have a house to live in." "I'm grateful for the food I ate today" "I'm grateful for the internet" "I'm grateful for being able to go to school"

At first you might be lazy... or not in the mood... but if you actually TRY it... it really does work... And it's proven fact that practice makes perfect... so if I do it enough, I might get to a point where I can just let those negative thoughts roll right off me...

You only get one life. It may not be the one you want to have, but it's yours... You can hate it into the ground... or learn to love and accept it and share your feelings of love with others and celebrate the successes of others because your happy with who you are and people don't threaten you with their successes anymore.

Good luck to you.

 

[lonelyfairy]

I would like to do the same thing for myself. T__T

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

I would like to do the same thing for myself. T__T

Yup, I know. But posting about it will just make people worried about you. And it won't change anything for the better.

 

[lonelyfairy]

I would like to do the same thing for myself. T__T

Yup, I know. But posting about it will just make people worried about you. And it won't change anything for the better.

What ''people''?