D
daughter of the moon
Guest
I just realize right now how big of a character trait (is that what it is?) my self-hate really is. I never feel like I deserve even the smallest word of kindness anyone gives to me. Not only do I feel like I don't deserve it; often I slump into downright depression when someone's nice to me.
Like right now: I received a belated Christmas gift in the mail from one of my (very) few remaining friends. A purple hat and a card. What he wrote in the card was a number of really nice and appreciative things about our friendship. The last sentence reads "Thank you for being the person that you are.". The moment I read that sentence, I could feel my smile fall from my face. Everything inside me slumped. It brought me down; I'm almost crying right now. I just don't deserve that. God knows I don't.
And yet....I have other people write similar things to me from time to time. Are they so mistaken, or am I? I don't know where all this self-hate originally came from. I just know it's been my constant companion for many years now, and these days it's rearing its ugly head again very strongly. I just want to cry when someone's so nice to me. The only coherent thought that I ever seem to have is "I don't deserve it". And maybe I really don't. Actually I'm pretty sure I don't, I'm just not always sure why. It's not like I've ever done anything really bad in my life. Haven't killed anyone or set a house on fire or anything like that. Maybe it's something I did in a former life that I'm still paying for now. That actually does make sense; at least more than any other possibility.
The reason I'm not making this a diary post is because - on the off-chance that someone will actually give a **** and share their own story/thoughts/whatever - I'd be curious to read about it. Maybe others have similiar issues with self-hate?
Like right now: I received a belated Christmas gift in the mail from one of my (very) few remaining friends. A purple hat and a card. What he wrote in the card was a number of really nice and appreciative things about our friendship. The last sentence reads "Thank you for being the person that you are.". The moment I read that sentence, I could feel my smile fall from my face. Everything inside me slumped. It brought me down; I'm almost crying right now. I just don't deserve that. God knows I don't.
And yet....I have other people write similar things to me from time to time. Are they so mistaken, or am I? I don't know where all this self-hate originally came from. I just know it's been my constant companion for many years now, and these days it's rearing its ugly head again very strongly. I just want to cry when someone's so nice to me. The only coherent thought that I ever seem to have is "I don't deserve it". And maybe I really don't. Actually I'm pretty sure I don't, I'm just not always sure why. It's not like I've ever done anything really bad in my life. Haven't killed anyone or set a house on fire or anything like that. Maybe it's something I did in a former life that I'm still paying for now. That actually does make sense; at least more than any other possibility.
The reason I'm not making this a diary post is because - on the off-chance that someone will actually give a **** and share their own story/thoughts/whatever - I'd be curious to read about it. Maybe others have similiar issues with self-hate?