I'm not sure where I'm about to go with this all right now. This all might be able to fit on the relationships forum, but posting here feels more right. I suppose just like my life I'm just going to wing it without any sort of forethought and see where it takes me.
Right now I am having a crisis, or more like, a quiet nervous breakdown. I cannot really make sense of anything, especially my thoughts, feelings and my intentions. I'm really hoping this is in some way therapeutic.
As I mentioned to who is now my ex fiancée (though not necessarily my ex in general, yet at least), I am a man of zero passions. Nothing really excites me or leaves me feeling truly satisfied. Everything just moves from one thing to the next.
As a bit of an aside, I tend to exercise a lot. That's a passion you might say, but it's not really anymore. Just a little habit that leaves me feeling like crap if I don't do it. My efforts are always halfhearted anyway. On most lifts I never do the complete range of motion and during runs I'll maybe take a break or two that I don't count against my time. Of course I never pay any attention to nutrition and I'll just eat whatever fast food I please. I'm seldom satisfied after a good workout now and more "well that's done, on to the next meaningless daily task." This is all I suppose a solitary escape for me where I don't have to consider anyone else, much less be honest with myself.
On the matter regarding my present situation, my lack of passion apparently extends to the love I have always wanted.
We were suppose to get married this coming April and I just didn't care. This is strange because I do want to marry her. I just don't care about anything in regards to making the wedding actually happen. I do not care about what our colors are or what and how we'll have food served. I did not care about the venue or who exactly would be there. As she even pointed out, due to my introversion (or being anti social or whatever) she did not expect there to be anyone to stand on my side for the ceremony. I am sure she was disappointed by this and not sure what she would tell people. She's mostly right, though I think I can get an old college friend that I don't talk to much to be my best man. I never keep up with my old friends because it is a hassle and I'm lazy, even though I'm always pleased whenever I do manage to motivate myself to contact one of them.
Anyway, whatever choices she would make in regards to the wedding I would be happy with, though she would understandably get frustrated that I provided little feedback. The part that would make her the most upset, and justifiably so, was how she would have to get onto me to do certain tasks in regards to the wedding prep. This has lead to my present situation and made me truly think about this problem of mine: why don't I care?
She's a wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful. She is more than I deserve and in so far as I apparently can I do in fact love her. She's been in my heart since I was twelve, though my heart apparently counts for nothing.
When I proposed to her I had plans to take her somewhere romantic, but when those fell through I proposed anyway at our apartment because I couldn't wait, depriving her of a nice story to tell people. She said yes, but later told me how very disappointed she was with it all. Now because of my actions or lack thereof, she has told me "she loves me but does not want to marry me." She says that if I really want to get married I am going to have to do everything that is left in regards to the wedding on my own. The thing is, I'm not sure if I care.
The question I have is, why don't I care? I think I want to see a psychiatrist. I need enthusiasm. Perhaps there is a pill that will make me give a fresia about something.
I'm not making any plans, but I actually thought to myself earlier that I might as well kill myself. I'm sure all my problems may be fixable, but is it even worth it.
Right now I am having a crisis, or more like, a quiet nervous breakdown. I cannot really make sense of anything, especially my thoughts, feelings and my intentions. I'm really hoping this is in some way therapeutic.
As I mentioned to who is now my ex fiancée (though not necessarily my ex in general, yet at least), I am a man of zero passions. Nothing really excites me or leaves me feeling truly satisfied. Everything just moves from one thing to the next.
As a bit of an aside, I tend to exercise a lot. That's a passion you might say, but it's not really anymore. Just a little habit that leaves me feeling like crap if I don't do it. My efforts are always halfhearted anyway. On most lifts I never do the complete range of motion and during runs I'll maybe take a break or two that I don't count against my time. Of course I never pay any attention to nutrition and I'll just eat whatever fast food I please. I'm seldom satisfied after a good workout now and more "well that's done, on to the next meaningless daily task." This is all I suppose a solitary escape for me where I don't have to consider anyone else, much less be honest with myself.
On the matter regarding my present situation, my lack of passion apparently extends to the love I have always wanted.
We were suppose to get married this coming April and I just didn't care. This is strange because I do want to marry her. I just don't care about anything in regards to making the wedding actually happen. I do not care about what our colors are or what and how we'll have food served. I did not care about the venue or who exactly would be there. As she even pointed out, due to my introversion (or being anti social or whatever) she did not expect there to be anyone to stand on my side for the ceremony. I am sure she was disappointed by this and not sure what she would tell people. She's mostly right, though I think I can get an old college friend that I don't talk to much to be my best man. I never keep up with my old friends because it is a hassle and I'm lazy, even though I'm always pleased whenever I do manage to motivate myself to contact one of them.
Anyway, whatever choices she would make in regards to the wedding I would be happy with, though she would understandably get frustrated that I provided little feedback. The part that would make her the most upset, and justifiably so, was how she would have to get onto me to do certain tasks in regards to the wedding prep. This has lead to my present situation and made me truly think about this problem of mine: why don't I care?
She's a wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful. She is more than I deserve and in so far as I apparently can I do in fact love her. She's been in my heart since I was twelve, though my heart apparently counts for nothing.
When I proposed to her I had plans to take her somewhere romantic, but when those fell through I proposed anyway at our apartment because I couldn't wait, depriving her of a nice story to tell people. She said yes, but later told me how very disappointed she was with it all. Now because of my actions or lack thereof, she has told me "she loves me but does not want to marry me." She says that if I really want to get married I am going to have to do everything that is left in regards to the wedding on my own. The thing is, I'm not sure if I care.
The question I have is, why don't I care? I think I want to see a psychiatrist. I need enthusiasm. Perhaps there is a pill that will make me give a fresia about something.
I'm not making any plans, but I actually thought to myself earlier that I might as well kill myself. I'm sure all my problems may be fixable, but is it even worth it.